-mom woke me up

-got up and got text from arthur-- by himself. wanted to leave, but read gaz.

-gaz! laugh soooooooooooo hard. he's being more loveydovey for some reason. answered some qs, too. non-stop laugh and he emailed twice for no reason. soooo cute.

-lunch. dead! mike maybe "aw?" asked about studying and paper. then he weird look since i laughed about him joing me and art and my laugh...? but he was still nice. meh. don;t think too much of him anymore since x2.

-stephen in. told worried about how uptight i was. guam girl!

-stephen in. told worried about how uptight i was. guam girl! got a picture of our picture

-then amy-- aw! she talk of writing and we so nice. then chat afterwards about newie.

2:36am

Hello Hello,

If wine tours are fun then YES- but you're spot on (not that it’s hard to work out, I’ll always be a beer person- although I seem to be developing quite an impressive wine cellar now and it looks like I'll have to steal my dad'sd other bottles of whatever if the she devil's anything to go by!). Seems to be a lot of philosophical life’s conversations going on at the moment to (seems if I’ve got the chance to’ escape’ anytime soon I should jump at it- oh, and by the way, if anything I write seems hard to de-cipher I’ve decided to try the drinking approach to sleeping tonight because I haven’t had much success lately, and I’m a little desperate- I’m trying to zone out watching either the Olympics/Miller’s crossing (which I’ve been trying to find for a while, but only just have- Oh, and PS, if there’s any way I can get to America somehow you know I’ll honestly take it!- along with anywhere else…even if that pisses you off!!!).

Actually that’s pretty easy, can’t really go wrong with El, that way I can stuff up with Ellie or Ella (it’s becoming a bit more frequent- I don’t think anyone notices, but I do it so much lately). Easier than trying to think up something for each. I think I’m getting better with kids actually, almost enough to want my own…ALMOST.

They (the two grown ups) seem desperate to drag you along here when you turn up in Newcastle, but I think a dinner or lunch is well and truly enough. They can be just a little bit over whelming, and soppy to the point of nausea. So I’ve suggested a quick vineyard lunch (note suggestion, which leaves a nice easy escape clause, and means it’s simple enough to avoid it all together! Just the way I’ve planned it.

I so hope I can get to that Tokyo Aquarium in the end (or beginning), I’ve been exited about that ever since I heard about it (I’m currently a good bunch of drinks through, so I’m impressed this email’s making any sense at all! (if it is of course).

Grandma has to go through the same annoying routine every night. Can you imagine me kissing anyone asleep? Well, that’s pretty much the routine. It’d be cute in a way, but it just becomes a pain in the arse in the end.

I keep looking at the travel section of the newspaper- I’ve been naughty and spent about a hundred bucks on beer and wine today, so I’ve got about two and a half grand tucked away right now (with as decent cellar on the way- a good pile of wine- if only I felt anything like I do about it eight years ago than I do now, uni then might have been useful…but it’ll end up being embibed anyway- honestly with all of the typing errors, it’s taken at least an hour extra to write this damn thing).

What else? Hmm, ummmmmm, well, just ticking off each day as it comes, and that’s as exciting as it gets…can’t wait till you land and the fun can start again (and that means you definitely have to do what you want to…because I don’t care where whatever money I even have goes, because it’ll just go somewhere useless if I don’t use it anyway!!!! PLEASE DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! Believe me, that makes me happy (even if it goes the same way for you);

I’m proud of myself, since the last time you saw me my hair has still been allowed to be free- no hair cuts. I’m almost convinced I can go two years without a cut (it’s nice and black still too- I might have a boiling hot shower before bed…sleeeeeeeeep!!!!

Damn, you’re right, I seriously cannot remember reading the kids book in the library (I must have been in a funny mood- honestly, I can’t actually pinpoint anything much from uni, sadly…just pointless random stuff like always.

If you want to go back to Bathurst again, we’ll go, I’m happy to. In a strange way, It’d be fun and I’d be happy to…after all, you did spend a good six months there, it’d be fun to see what it’s like I think (honestly, there’s an urge to go back to Bathurst that I want to satisfy too…even if I’m scared to bump into someone I might know, so it’s not crazy really).

But anyway…If I’m lucky the trick’ll work- I’ll sleep (one more drink!). I keep getting up at six for some reason ( I need to change time zones!!!).

Popcorn and movies are a given! But at least one you have to choose what you want, and I’ll try not to criticize! I’m slowly becoming a bit more easy going that way…I think.

I guess we’ve got no travel plans, but it’s king of a dream of mine just to turn up where ever we might end up going and never have to go back.

It’s stupid, I haven’t been this light for literally ten years (I’m a miget, even if a can’t see it) but I still feel large???( I’m fine though, no worries…don’t role your eyes!). Funilly though, whenever I weigh a kilo heavier, I feel bad/guilty for some reason. Honestly, we probably weigh the same. The kids are fascinated by the door knocking noises I can make on my chest/hip/shoulder….

I agree, I’m good at planning, but only really short term. I’m good at just saying ‘okay, tomorrow/next week this is what where doing, but planning ahead, actually being properly organized? No hope…it takes too much responsibility, I’m so happy to leave that to you!

And just as an aside, the two here (dad and lady) seem kind of desperate to have some kind of get together. So far I’ve only gone as far as to say it is a tiny possibility that we could go out to lunch/dinner some time in the next few weeks. But it leaves the easy option of avoiding it all together (which I’ve done purposely, so we don’t need to worry about it). They’re, or can be, a bit full on, even if they are kind of loving (kind of Liz like I guess). But then you’d probably like them a bit more than mum, even if they might be a bit annoying. I like mum more, even though she’s a bit emotionally retarded!

Personally, I think if it was somehow (unrealistically) possible, I’d be satisfied with continuous adventure from the seventeenth onwards…never ending. (I’m going to attempt to sleep all day through tomorrow (which has become today)…I don’t like my chances, but it’s possible.

By the time you get down I’ll have pretty much three grand sitting my account, which I have no problem spending! What can we do with it?

I’ve noticed the occasional day when I just get pissed off at the kids. Their dad put so much effort into dinner tonight, and was self critical about the results (he kept on going on about how much he stuffed up. But it was great). But the kids wouldn’t touch it. I cool down after a while though. I like the fact I’m the last they say goodnight to (almost).

My dad is snoring like a grizzly bear…how the hell anyone put up with it (mind yo I can hear Grandma doing the same from my room!

I think your mum’ll get over the excitement of having you back after a little bit. After all, my mum still gets kind of happy when I pop in. And then gets over it pretty quickly. But after all, you’ve been on the side of the planet so she’s bound to miss you a bit, and I’d miss my mum too (for about a week, and then get sick of her…by the way, I ask how much it costs to get over there because I think it’d be fun, but I don’t know how I’d keep it going…families something, but now days that’s all I’ve got here, otherwise that’s it!).

You’ve always seemed to be able to get away from family clinginess in the end anyway, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. When it gets to the boring/annoying point, I doubt you’ll have any problem moving on. Buy the way, whenever I say I just want to disappear/disconnect from my life and go somewhere totally different, it doesn’t mean I want to do it by my self!

I realized today how scared I’d still be talking to your mum even over the phone (like she'll be dissapointed in me or something), meaning don’t worry, you definitely don’t need to meet my dad and partner anytime if you don't really feel like it...I don't care.

(it’d probably be a pain in the derriere anyway [it’d be so much easier just mucking around in Greta like always- unless you’ve got some crazy idea to meet the other side of the family!- the kids are leaving the day you come!]).

Ew, Chicago! Sounds good!

This is the first half of the email- the second half comes tomorrow (I’ll tell you how sleeping goes tonight (honestly, my dad is snoring like a chainsaw in the next room, and I’ll be just the same in twenty years!!! God I can’t wait! Addmitedly he drinks like...a fish! Even though he's nice, and geeky).

Wow, six/seven more days and we’ll be mucking around…I’ll finish this off tomorrow, when I’m a little less sleepy (it is 2:30 after all!) See you (so so soon, I'm actually nervious),

Gareth.

10:33am

Email part two (as promised)-

Drink all that, and I’m still up at seven in the morning! Huff. But at least it leaves plenty of time for scone and pancake making.

Oh well, if it wasn’t a long sleep, it was definitely a deep one. I think that makes up the difference. So because I haven’t done it at all so far, I feel like spending the day glued to the Olympics…or if not then, finally getting around to watching those videos I’ve borrowed. I haven’t really gotten around to them, just because they’re just a bit too MA/R rated to watch around little kids.

Invisibility cloak close to reality!?! I want one of those.

What else am I doing? Hmm, um, I’ve got some sort of appointment to go to on Tuesday for centrelink (well technically not for centrelink, but it was organized through them). Apparently it’s supposed to help with job hunting and all of that (I’ve got my doubts, but we’ll wait and see). And that’s pretty much it, my day is kind of set out.

My hair seems to be providing a world of fun. I never thought it could be so interesting, but it’s being pulled this way and that on a daily basis. I’ve hit the breaking point that always comes about now- to cut it or leave it still (usually I give in and get it scissored, but I think I’ll stay strong this time around!).

The brussel sprouts seem to be recovering though- hmm, talking about soup and brussel sprouts, that sounds kind of good for lunch today. Definitely home made soup! (steak and kidney soup, hmmmm).

That also means American Samoa would count to…oh and every single US embassy anywhere in the world! Technically that’s still the US, just think of that. Italy, Fiji…Iceland.

I’ve hit a button somewhere and all of the writing has decided it wants to be italic!?

There we go, all fixed.

If only we could all live completely guilt free like she does…it must be so relaxing and stress free not caring. I really hope he works out his marking ob a basis of individual marks rather than group marks. Jeez, he sounds like a total pain in the arse, but I think I wouldn’t have had the guts to confront him over giving me a bad mark either. I’ve never really been able to do that.

Hooray, it’s going to be a quiet day. The kids are all going to the swimming pool, so I can flop about without having to answer endless what and why questions! It’s sunny, I might do some washing.

The ads always go on about how amasing tinned soup is now days, I think a couple of those’d do! Just throw in a bucket of MSG and they’ll shovel it down (that seems to be the way, so much MSG!). Or you could experiment with cakes and microwaves (that is if you’ve even got a microwave!).

I’ll try to, but I’m glad to say I’ll need the break from kids when they head off on Sunday! Kid saturation….

Time for the Olympics! Hmm, what to put in the soup?....

See you in a few more days…and hope you have a good idea what to spend all this money I seem to have built up on.

Ta-dah,

Gareth.

Beer tours sound good, but wine tour...hmm, not as enticing for some reason (not that I wouldn't, but I know which I'd choose first).

So much energy! Different from this morning. "You didn't pay your activity fees." Just smiles.

Betty, May, Gaz x2, Jess.

Rest in gmail.

+found it first, but giggle through in with art. art said he told all about then, well yeah. art jealous how long the emails were. then youtube, check if email, but GAZ again :)! acting like BF...

Entry ?

LIFE HERE, GROWN UP, CHANGE, BEST FRIEND

Friends (AUS)

• Gareth!
  
• Ash...
  
• Mike...
  
• Stephen...
  
• Arthur...
  
• May...
  

Friends (US)

• Kristen
  
• Betty...
  
• Christina...
  
• Jess...
  

AUS lifestyle:

• No car
  
• Expensive food and clothing
  
• I can't even go shopping alone
  
• I would have to live with someone else
  
• People are nice and yet obnoxious
  
• No family
• But I have Gareth
  
• Good reputation
• Clean air, but HOT air
• So isolated and boring...did everything just about
• Has plenty of jobs
• Good pay, but expensive living
• Not so powerful, but no killings (supposedly)

US lifestyle:

• I have a car
  
• Food is so cheap, as well as clothing (which is styles I like)
  
• I can go shopping alone
  
• I don't have to live with someone
  
• People are nice, obnoxious, but just like me
  
• I have my family
  
• But I have Betty (ugh) and Kristen 
  
• Bad reputation, and yet they fucking love us
• Cleanish air, but I don't even notice + colder weather (nice)
• Soooo much to do
• Still has good jobs
• Not as good pay, but fucking cheap living
• We're powerful -> Our power may be dying, but then others die too

Overall, I'm going to be happier in the US.  The only thing that will bother me is knowing that undeserving people will live in Australia (because I WANT TO LIVE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY) and that most importantly...Gareth.  But, we have such a strong friendship that I can withstand only emails and seeing him every year.  We're so strong that he'll forever be my friend and we'll see each other for sure.

I've lost Betty and Jess, but really does it matter much?  If I have Kristen down the street, I'll be okay.  And with a job I can make new friends.  And if it doesn't work out, there's Gareth to go running to or another city.

UNI CLASSWORK  it was my last presentation ever.  Ever, ever, ever.  I was there early, followed by a few people I don't really talk to, then Nash who was a struggle (he just stares anymore and doesn't bother.  An asshole or has he always been this way?).  Finally, Ash came to the rescue and then Mike.  He was nicely dressed up and came straight to me.  "You're dressed up!"  "And he has shoes!" Ash added.  But then Mike left and I was left with my group and sort of Ash.

"Before class he came up to me and said he didn't mean to do that as far as giving me a 6.5 for "not putting in as much effort as the others" and that he's "really busy and must've mistake my true mark amongst all his papers."  I think he could tell on my face that I was thinking, "oh, bullshit, don't pull that" because he nudged me and said, "Don't take it personal."  Hmm."

Finally the presentation came and we were the last ones to go.  I wanted to be first, but it was okay.  Once I got up there it felt natural, but I felt so disconnected from everyone.  I need to get to the point where I can actually talk to them and know exactly what I'm saying word for word at the same time.  Also, passion.  I need to be more passionate without being annoying.

During the rest of the presentation Stephen walked past twice and May and I were laughing and waving.  Seeing Stephen actually made me feel better.

Afterwards he asked me a few questions, but they were so easy that I didn't mind at all.  Just clarifying.   May asked him, "Do you have any comments for our group?"  "I think the professor was really impressed because he said, "Great idea-- are you going to go through with it?"  (We all said no).  "Are you thinking of selling the business plan then?"  (We laughed- but I think he's serious)."

After the presentation I realized that I don't want to see most of these people ever again, and then ones I do want to see, I probably never will.  When I left I didn't say goodbye to Nash this time, because I'm tired of his pissy happy attitude.  He obviously doesn't care about me.

INVITES  "And then I talked to May and she invited me out to dinner with the rest of our group members since I'm going back home and ZeFeng's going back to China, but I sure don't want to go.  I have to go, but I surely don't want to.  Especially if Nash'll be there, since he's got this thing against me for some reason.  (Unless it's just his Indian-British background of just staring and not saying anything?)."

LITTLE PLEASURES  But I caught Mike on the way out, luckily because I thought he was long gone.  Maybe he was waiting up for someone or me, I don't know.  I asked him if he was going to the tute, and he said no (figures).  Then Armell walked past, the French chick, and she was oddly nice to me.  Mike hugged her goodbye and I was jealous, but also surprised at how touchy he is with people he doesn't even really know.

After Armell left, he was talking about how I could help him out and I told him, "What do I get?" HE HUGGED ME!  It felt so great.  How often do boys I like hug me?  Not often. What, just Geovanny, Gareth, and now Mike?  That's it.  And after he hugged me he said he'd give me something extra special.  He's such a lovable player.  And as he was leaving I called out, "See you in the brasserie!"  "I'll give you extra dessert!"  he called back.

UNI CLASSWORK  Beforehand I was with the boys chatting and trying to do some work.  And my last tutorial ever was fine- I brought my laptop and that was that.  I've never done it before, but it felt damn good just pissing around on the internet like every one else does.  Afterwards, our prof wanted a class photo.  Amei, Ying's friend, sat next to me and held me-- close!  And afterwards she got right in my face, just the way she is,to talk. Wow- talk about cultural differences.

LITTLE PLEASURES  That night at dinner Mike scanned my card and asked me about class.  Then he acted as if he was waiting so he could serve me, but then he had to serve the guy in front of me.  Dessert?  He ran over even though a woman already started serving me since no one was coming.  "Would you like anything else?" he said in a sneaky way, inferring to earlier in the day.  "Next time when there's chocolate I laughed."  I felt cool.

Entry ?

BEST FRIEND  & EMAIL  First of all, my best friend, Gazzy.  So I was in the Multilearning Centre with Ashnita when he emailed me, so I was pretty surprised to turn on my iTouch and find his name pop up after randomly checking shortly after.  

• "Made octopus last night, a tagine. You might have actually liked it" includes me in his life
  
• The fact that he doesn't go, "Lucy, my dad's partner's daughter" makes me feel special, like I should know
  
• "So there should be a pile of ideas that’ll fly through your head" about his $3,000.  So he wants me to plan what we can do now that he has that money?
  
•  "Damn, I was keeping my fingers cross for PR- I’ve never been good at cheating the system either (just look at centrelink), it always seems so easy for everyone else though- I don’t know why. But at least your mum’ll be thrilled (‘horay!’). Exactly, I think I might gradually be getting the hang of saving up (at least temporarily), so America’s only a few steps away."  So that's his response?  I guess it's okay.
• "I reckon we should give French silk pie a go ourselves" to my response of telling him of how to make one after he mentioned what he incorrectly thinks one is
• "Or we could take the celebration to new levels and buy some pre-packed sandwiches from the supermarket, and make it a truly memorable experience! Please not McD’s! No!"  He is SO FUNNY when he wants to be.
• "A pact- Tokyo Aquarium before we die" Um, so we'll be traveling together for years to come?  Awesome, especially since I used to say this and now he is.
  
• "It’d be fun to see how you’d react to it all (they’d probably love you, but all of them together can be a little draining)."  They'd love me?  What am I, a girlfriend now?  Aw regardless!  
• Huh, like I’d pass the opportunity to have my own special chauffeur (and as if you could resist all those roundabouts, you know they’re so much fun!)."  Again, funny when he wants to be.
  
• "Hope you come up with some fun plans in the next couple of weeks, and I’ll see you then."  Again, with the planning, aw.
• "Oh and I did my first real marshmallow roasting last night with a real fire, not cheating."  He's sooo Americanized it's not even funny.  
  

UNI CLASSWORK  I had four meetings in one day, which is two more than normal for me.  I was tired, but yet if felt like I had something to do in life.

The first meeting was more casual- it was with Arthur and Stephen for our IFM assignment.  I met them in the library, and before Stephen came, it was just me and Arthur sitting like two old people watching others walk past while talking.  And how walks past?  Elaine.  We were laughing at how she was walking like as if she had a stick up her ass.

The second meeting was with Ashnita, which ran into my meeting with Arthur and Stephen.  With her it was quick, easy, and painless as she quickly showed me what she wrote for our paper, and I was surprised she did so much work (like four pages, but for her that's a lot).  We talked about how I really should go to Fiji since I can visit her, and then we talked about how Gaz and I should just get together already.  She's convinced we are in denial, but I know better to fall for him again like that. 

I went back to the library and found the boys in a group study room.  Stephen's such a knowitall that I call out nowadays.  I used to not, but now why shouldn't I?  He thinks he knows Cleveland and was arguing with me about my own fucking city, but when I called him out when a very detailed "no, you're wrong" answer, I just laughed at his face.

Break was lunch in which I went over to get a chocolate cake from Megan, who smiled knowing what I was going to ask for.  Then back over to the library before walking back over to my bungie with the boys to drop off their bags in my room.

JOB  Which lead to my third meeting.  It was with Kirsty, who is not as likeable as Amy, but very nice.  She just pauses long and I question if I'm supposed to speak or not.  My problem is the filler kind of talking, so I can't stand that.  I was proud how I wasn't nervous and we laughed and chatted, because I needed to work on that.  But I also need to work on getting to the point and not deviating as well.  She told me, just like Nash and Stephen, that "It's not what you can do, but what you want to do." So again I feel better.  I also like how professional she was: standing when I came in, standing when I went to leave, making it more informal, and knowing what she was doing over all.

And finally, my last meeting.  On the way to meeting May and company, I saw the boys in a room two doors down.  I was talking with them when Dino and May came in and I left jealously.  I found Nash alone and he's so weird nowadays.  I have to forcibly talk to him and I won't bother anymore.  Thankfully Dino and May soon followed-- she got her job!  But I must remember to, well, remember what's going on in their lives so I can ask later on.

Basically what do I remember about this meeting?  I didn't get credit for my work yet again. And David Robinson?:  "Not to complain in this email about someone you don't know, but...so it's no secret to anyone that I loathe my entrepreneurship professor, David.  I mean really, how can someone like him get $100,000+ per year to teach nothing to us at all?  And on top of that, not remember our names or give us our correct marks?  It only takes a girl to flirt with him for him to give her top marks, right?  So the other day he posted our grades on ilearn and after hearing that Nash in my group got a 7.5 for doing nothing, I was pissed at my 6.5/10 for doing every single thing for my group.  Normally I wouldn't care, but knowing that my professor gives high marks to only the people he likes since he's biased, I was pretty peeved off.  I emailed him with, "I was the first one who spoke, and I was the one who gave the longest critique with the most information.  I was chosen as the representative for my group.  I just spoke to the rest of my team members today during our meeting, and they all agreed that it seems subjective and doesn't add up when I was the one who spoke for the entire group."  The entire time I was going, "that damn wanker" over and over again while typing that.

Now I'll get to see if he acknowldeges the fact that either, a) he doesn't know my name and gave me a generic mark, or b) didn't give me a high mark since he forgets I exist since I don't flirt with him, or c), he doesn't pay attention to what happens in class and just gives us some random number when putting down marks.

I'll let you know what he gives me and what he says.  Normally I don't care, but there's just something about this womanizer that I can't stand, you know?  At least give me what I deserve even if I don't go "ooooh, Daaaviddd, you're sooooo smart!" like the other girls."

Lastly, dinner.  I saw Ying yet again.  I was glad I was smiling in a good mood and I instinctively went around without seeing her at first so that I wouldn't be too close to her.   Unlike her I was smiling from the good mood and I felt good as if a "fuck you."

Entry ?

DREAM First day back at work in Target and Dale is there, but he for some reason doesn't recognize me. I go to call dad who says that he'll go to lunch with me, but even though I know that's him on the phone he denies it. I get angry and smart talk back to him. I can't figure out why he doesn't recognize me or is doing that on purpose.

UNI CLASSWORK Stephen needs power and control. That's why he's so nosy, I get it now. I told Arthur, just him, that he had to watch out for the professional degree since you needed a job for PR as well. Stephen was such an asshole butting in. And now he's taking the information as if he found it out, and he's on a power trip telling others. According to him, an internship=a job. Yeah... So what did the asshole say? "Give up," but I stood my ground and told him, yeah, because why do I care about PR for tax evasion? Aussie Kirsty was staring and I stared right back at her. Can anyone mind their own business in this fucking country?

Just to back peddle a little so I don't get confused in the future, but basically Stephen has been fucking us over the entire semester with his astrological view of finance. Mike went off on his own and got us started to finish our own project without the astrology part, but I ended up doing it all on my own anyway. I not used to that much responsibility. Ever.

So when Stephen went to present, he pushed Arthur out of it (who would be telling the class how the three of us went off on our own and used non-astrology) and spun it so that my money was only made because "I'm good at trading in gold according to my chart." Fucking retard, sorry the immaturity. And what happened? Zala attacked with, "So full of crap." But then it started to sound more like she was attacking our group as a whole, which was bullshit. But I didn't get hurt too much. Toby turned around and said, "I love you" while drawing a heart, like a fun and nice smartass.

When Toby went up there I was laughing so hard that I was crying. How often does that happen to me? "Did you know we could trade gold?....We didn't" in such a deadpan, serious voice. "We saw it, but we thought it was an asian currency." "We traded...10 units at a time. I traded 5,000 units at one point, but Kirsty wanted to kill me. We lost $500."

In HRM Toby was talking to our professor about where he was when major world events occurred, and I was just thinking how Toby is so natural at thinking of what to say and taking the initiative to talk to others. Of course Ashnita wasn't there and Ying was being a baby by hiding in the back away from me, and I was a little lonely without Ash. During the break I shared a lift with a girl who was making happy small talk about how cold it was, and then I ran into a guy who ran into me and we went back and forth with "sorry!" in a joking way.

After HRM I had to meet up with Arthur and Stephen to work on our finance assignment, but instead they were at an MBA seminar to which I met them at for the free pizza. Stephen being a no-it-all said, "You should do it." "Why? Tell me, Stephen, why?" And he spun his bullshit. "Yeah? But why do I care? In the US MBAs are a dime a dozen and you're better with a specialzation." What beautiful words did I hear from him? "You're right." OF COURSE, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I KNOW SOME SHIT, TOO. Alex and company ignored me as they went around me to get their coats, so I purposely didn't move out of their way. But then Selva came up to apologize on the behalf of Zala that morning-- such integrity! And it made me feel so much better. I thanked him and we were just smiling.

Finally we got out of there and I was sitting with Stephen at a picnic bench while we waited for Arthur. Stephen bothers the fuck out of me, such a loudmouth who cheats the system, but he's helped me in the past and he can help me in the near future. He told me hat he wants what's best for me-- that having an Aussie passport will distill less hatred on me overseas (ughh...what about my accent though?) and will allow for cheaper taxes. I call bullshit. But while he's annoying, a know-it-all, and only instills bullshit in my head, he still acts like a protective father. He's like Mary Rose- you hate her, but love her.

Stephen told me over tea, after Art came, that he'll employ me in Malta and I'll get cheaper taxes one day. But what's really relevant about this is that while I was comfortable, he seemed lost without Arthur with us. Like he didn't know how to talk to me for some reason?

All three of us, plus Nokita (his son) went up to work on our assignment, and I'm already acting like Stephen's assistant with me doing all the organizing and fixing, and him thanking me.

After a long day of frustration...

EMAIL & BEST FRIEND it was perfect timing. As I literally walked into the door I saw my blue envelope (from May) and then I saw an email from Gaz being alerted to me. And this is after a semi-shitty day and hiccuping at 5:30, so it made my day. But what makes this special is the fact that he had already emailed me and I hadn't answered yet. So is he bored? Does he miss me? What? And he basically covered some of what he didn't in the last email:

• He's telling me more about his family
• He's reminding me even more of my dad ("finally found one of those old fashioned metal desk fans I’ve always wanted- even if the electrics need fixing. It weighs an absolute tone- it’s brilliant")
• "We’ll have to check the place out, I bet there’ll be an old compass hidden away in there somewhere…" Did he want that, or did I? I think I did. WOW, he remembers more than I do!
  
• "like a French silk pie"...again, him remembering the littlest of things
• "They made a pumpkin pie as well (grammar they call it), but I’m still not too fond of them (it always seems to be connected to sickness…urgh)." Poor Bear, all because I made him one in Bathurst.
• "I can pick up my next money envelope on Friday. I’m being good, I’ve only spent fifteen dollars so far (If I save up enough I might even be able to run away- How much does it cost to get to America at the moment? Just out of curiosity)."
  
• "Excited about coming down! Such a bad liar." Huh, about me saying I was excited to come down?
• It seems like he wrote this over a long time period.
• "And that was my exciting day." Does he want emails more frequently now?
• "I'll see you in a bit" again.
  

IM aw, May! My face was actually red and hot because she said some really kind things. And, what, I never IMed Liz this much? And here I am doing it, so far, twice a week? Three times a week? She's so talkative and loveable, like Liz, that it's easy and it makes up for the loss of Liz.

CALL Then to finish the day Ashnita called to invite me out for coffee at 10pm, but I think it's only because she had no one else to go with. I told her I was too busy (honest) and that was that. Regardless, it was a nice way to top things off.

Entry ?

DREAMS I had a dream about Mike and Ash in class. He was was standing or walking some some books to his side, and he smiled. Ash sat next to him. I was wondering how they knew my name? Then I walked down a hall and saw Meatball on the ground with Jess. I was lying with them, remarking how light brown and incredibly fuzzy he was.

(Why am I dreaming about Mike and Ash??).

UNI CLASSWORK Toby, Arthur, and I were studying so to speak. But Toby kept asking questions, and I can't study in groups as is, so I used my dying laptop as an excuse to get out of there. For a little bit at least. I'm just too exhausted to study. He's so easy with talking, but I can't even remember what seemingly random questions he asked. It was about my past at least.

CULTURE It was just fun watching him flirt with another gay. That's the first time I've seen that in person.

On the way way past my dorm a little bit later Toby was pretending to hide when we were passing each other in front of the Bra. "You're supposed to be studying," I joked. "I need energy, Jen!" I'm so much more outgoing this semester!

BEST FRIEND After leaving them I hooked my laptop back up and...found an email from Gaz. Perfect timing! I'm not sure how that works sometimes...

Nothing really much to mention this time. I think we've exhausted the excitement of me coming down to see him now. But there were a few things that stuck out at me. Like, how he mentions the food again and reconfirms it and confirms again that we will be going to his beer place. Or his reaction to me watching a movie I remembered he hated, and I had dragged him to: "You re-watched Elizabethtown! Ouch." (he's using italics!). Kind of reminds me of how little I really did know him then, when he couldn't even tell me straight out that he didn't like the movie afterwards. Not that I hold it against him! And then this:

"Oow, that sounds really good. Where's the hotel in NSW? It would be perfect if that worked out [...]." (I told him I was looking in both Queensland and NSW, but he specifically asked about NSW! He obviously wants me to stay. Now if it's for myself, him, or both of us I don't know.

He finished with his/our usual affirmations. Telling me that he'll let me know how something specific in his life is going, and wishing me luck/etc when it comes to my life. This time it was aimed at a job and PR for me, aw.

UNI RESIDENTS Dinner that night, Mike was there as always. I just said hi and went on with my order, but he asked about finance and if we had anything to do for it. I told him about the quiz and the look on his face was worried. Now I know he's using me, but don't we all use each other time and again? Anyway, he was stalling serving the guy behind me to talk and I said, "take care of this guy first and then I'll tell you," as the guy was smiling at me as Mike and I talked. Whoa, assertive much, Jen? It was all in good fun. Either Mike was stalling as usual for me and being a good friend, or he was worried for himself. I'll never know. Either way, he joked at the end, "Do you think I have time?" "Do you want me to help or not?" and he shrugged a "not me" kind of shrug with a smirk.

Entry ?

I'm debating what I should do. I have so much to write about because I was gone basically the whole day. Where do I start? Write everything or just the bits that really stand out? We'll see.

Well, it all started out with a nightmare of sorts.

DREAMS I'm in a long and wide hall that reminds me of Lake Catholic High School. I apparently have killed a girl and I look down at the floor and notice a pool of dried blood they have not cleaned, wondering why not. I go to the water fountain and through an open door I see Suzie and Katie (elementary days) crying. Then I wonder, why am I STILL having weird dreams involving Katie considering I haven't seen her since junior high? But there's something to do with Jess, my sister. I guess I blamed her for the killing. Meanwhile I'm in my basement with Tiger and Sparkie (huh? I dream about our old cat?) with plane tickets to Zambia. I'm hiding from mom and when I go to feed my cats, I find the tickets.

Cut to the second part of the dream. I'm in Zambia. And I'm wondering in my dream why I've chosen such a random place. But all around me are black people dancing, all surrounding me, in their native dress. They're dancing up and down, and when I look up, I see a semi-circle of them clapping and banging drums.

Then I woke up.


CULTURE Cut to waking up at 6am and then again at 7am. I got ready to go meet Arthur, and I miscalculated and got to the library before it opened at 10am. So I was sitting there with three giggling muslim girls and one guy. There are always multiple girls and one guy, and he's always got that alpha male thing going on. I caught him looking at me, and then he went to the vending machine to get a snack while singing something that sounded like a terrorist song or prayer. Not that I'm mocking it, but it made a sick feeling in my stomach. I can't help it.

LITTLE PLEASURES Selva, Arthur's friend past by, and thoughtfully came over to chat to me. After which, Vishen came and sat with me to have a chat before the library opened. It's always pleasant to have random conversations with people I know and yet barely know.

CULTURE Once in the library, up to the top floor, I chose the computer in the corner. I was the only one, and the next person to come was a Westernised Asian who sat right next to me....with the entire room empty as is. Then Ying's friend, a girl I don't really know, came over and waved in my face (cute Asians) and then was talking to me on and off while we sat there (she too sat next to me, even though every thing else was empty). When I went to leave she was really nice and waving and giggly. Wow, but pretty cool.

IM But not to forget during the above...May IMed me again through G-Chat! I saw a "may says" pop up and I got excited. I looked around to see if anyone saw me chatting. I felt so cool (see chat log in gmail account!). She's becoming my Liz. Now to do that with others as well. She started it, so I can do that with others, too.

I went over to the group study room to meet Arthur, as he's clingy and always wants to study and yet we never study because it's just a reason for him to socialise. Once there Toby and Vishen, who were in the room over, kept going by and joking with us through the window in our group study room. Toby kept dropping in to talk and do the "going up the stairs" and "going down the stairs" manoeuvres. Then Vishen walked past and stuck his tongue out with his hands against the glass. When Art and I left, I waved like a queen with them mimicking me.

BEST FRIEND Art and I went to the IGA to get some groceries and he's acting too much like Gaz. Yet with Gaz did this stuff, I was smitten because Gaz is attractive. Art is hideous (sorry!). Anyway, Art was reminding me of Gaz with how he got a basket for me and held it. And then he took forever shopping.

AMERICAN HOME I called mom back since I missed her call and apparently she's checking the economy for me; I don't think she wants me to do the professional degree. I guess we're technically not in a recession yet, and she's talked to several people who are hiring master's degrees and that she had a 24 year old patient who is doing what I want to do in *Cleveland* (work for an international company with an IB degree, and she only has a bachelor's). We agreed: even if the US goes, so will Australia with it. Not to forget, the cost of living here is fucking ridiculous. Even if US food goes up, Australia is still more than that.

UNI RESIDENTS We also ran into Ann, the one Asian girl who knows my name but barely talks to me. She's cool, but we never clicked really.

But it didn't stop there. Nope, Selva was back and with Zala this time. She actually complimented me, but that was about the extent of her attention to me. She's so fake. She can't even pretend to care I exist, just as I don't with her either.

And that about finished our day about. Once again Art was being a pain in the ass not really studying, and so I left early.

Entry ?

QUOTES

"In Canberra I’m stuck in a bit of a rut. My friends are comfortable with their boyfriends and office jobs, and I was always worried no one wanted to do things like travel with me. Al made me realise I should do it myself."

That's from, embarrassingly, Bridgette from Big Brother 08, but it holds true to me. Especially since of late. I'm stuck in a rut at the moment, my friends are branching off, and I feel alone. I need to start living myself. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing it yet. That's my goal then. (And at least others feel the same).

QUOTE & CULTURE
And a funny quote...

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon." --Comedian Chris Rock

Anyway, I am in a rut of sorts. I want to do something crazy, adventurous. I want to move to South Africa or New Zealand. I want to stay here, but where would I stay? Where would I get a car? What about friends through? Gareth's my only one here really! Ugh, it's so frustrating. Then I got to thinking. What about moving to an US territory? And if not that...what about an adventurous part of the US?

I spent all day thinking about how I can make more friends and get closer to the ones I have. I need to learn to invite people out, send emails, and ask how they are with real interest. I need to make more of an effort, and not just for Gaz. I messaged Jess through facebook, but she hasn't replied yet. Hmm. But I'm not worried.

Before dinner I forced myself to go to the couch area of the uni centre building so I could study some more. Previously, surprisingly, I actually dedicated a lot of time to studying and figuring out IFM. But also isolating myself forced me to focus even more.

BEST FRIEND Before heading into the Bra I noticed that Gaz emailed me while on my iTouch and my head tilted to the side with a smirk on my face and an uplifting feeling inside. There I was on the balcony above, by the Bra, with my iTouch in my hand and a big smile on my face.

LIFE HERE After venturing inside the Bra, not caring who would be working or who was around (trying to avoid Ying, and Daryl, the asshole manager), I was happy enough to make small talk with Angela (the bubbly redhead). And when I got back to eat my take-away dinner (as always) and watch Big Brother, my nose was scrunched up in utter disgust with wide eyes and lowered eyebrows when a commercial for Macca's came on. "McAmerican bagel with spicy ketchup and bacon." Oh, lovely. So American, too...

But can I live here? I talked with mom about the recession in the US and she told me she'll take care of me if it ever does get bad, but that it won't. And really, can I live here alone? No car? No house? High prices for everything? Yes, I won't have Gaz, but I can always apply for citizenship later or see him every two years, right? Because if I live here, how often would I see him? I don't know really. But so I remember: I'm going to apply for jobs here regardless and see what happens.

EMAIL So back to Gareth. I finally got to read his email all the way through now that I had dinner.

"So today was dad’s birthday lunch (don’t know why, but I volunteered to do the cooking, and if I thought you were a fussy eater…wow, I hadn’t seen anything yet. But then at least I got to eat all the anchovies!)." (He he he. Sort of like saying, "I know you and I'm acknowledging it, too).

"Have to go to Sydney and find that bloody beer place, I’ve just asked for directions from someone who lives there (I’ve got no better idea where it is though but…). Apparently they have a Belgian beer place at the rocks which serves the best oysters and mussels (more your thing maybe) that come with about fifteen different choice of sauces…I’m salivating. Oh, and I’m determined to get a bowl of the hot pot stuff that we had in Canberra (instead of a massive octopus) this time around (I think it’s called stone bowl and not hot pot…that’s where we made the cock-up). Oh, and yum cha…that’s a winner, you can’t go wrong with that because there’s something for everyone. That’s including the eats maitland place too. Hmm, fun, fun."

"You stay as long as you want to and that’s an order (so that’s about up until I start making you bonkers (or the boredom) or the other way around…which should be a decent amount of time. Either that or my mum will get sick of us both (she won’t…unless I really work at it), and kick the two of us out (which’d be fun really, if I don’t touch my centrelink money I could even live like that for two or so days!)." (AW! For real though? In December you were sick of me though. But in August you didn't want me to leave, hmm. I just love the way he puts things- so great. Loveable in a Gaz kind of way).

"Remember the pie place in Newcastle? Well it’s probably not the same as you know at home, but the hotdog I ate was pretty good…and I here there’s an even better one in Sydney (but that would mean spending too much time in Sydney (which makes each of us pain in the arses, so I think mussels and stone bowls and yum cha sound like enough at least for beginners). All we’d have to do otherwise is go to the shops and we’d find sausages (or a butcher…either or)." (So he's definitely planning lots of stuff for us to do in Newie and Sydney, aw, but also trying to figure out solutions for my cravings.).

"There are a couple of Australian films out right now, so you might be able to finally get the ‘never seen an Australian movie in Australia’ monkey of your back." (I haven't said anything since his birthday...)

"Star watching sounds like a good plan. I used to love reading my dad’s books growing up."

"You are silly, I’ve seen the trailer for wall-E…I don’t know how at any point that film could make you cry (although I understand The Land Before Time, I think that made my eyes water a little bit too)." (Pet-ish name!)

"The chocolate remains safe…phew (I had a little shock earlier when dad went in and came out chewing something…but I think he was just eating nuts or something)." (He wants me to know still that they're okay, AW).

"You have a good new week to (it’s almost holiday time), I’ll see you ‘round." (For my benefit, or his?).

He's being personable again. He's also still on about what we will do when we see each other. And for the first time in a long time, he's called me a semi-pet name. I'm loving it all so much.

CALL Arthur called me and we talked for 40 minutes since he takes so long to say such a simple thing. Regardless it was nice from the monotony. That's for sure. It's so easy for him to get close to people, where I would second guess that.