Entry TWO-HUNDRED-TWENTY

UNI RESIDENTS I tried to socialize with Toby and Alex, but either they were in bad moods or just wouldn't have it. I failed, but at least I tried, and it's not like it's going to deter me anyway. But when May came in, she was always bubbly and I love talking to her because she makes me laugh and smile. We would give each other looks during class and it was just FUN.

DEEP SADNESS Then this happened, which scared me since I have an STD (trich) and may become infertile because of it (as written to Gaz):

I'm in the uni centre, the main building on campus, eating my lunch and there's this loud girl here (let's just say I'm on the fourth floor, she's on the third, and I can hear her perfectly). And she's on skye with her mom saying she thinks she has AIDs because she went to Bryon Bay and some guy bled all over her. She's whining that she wants tickets home so she can go to the her doctor because she thinks she's dying now. Her mom keeps yelling really loudly back: "YOU DON'T GET AIDS LIKE THAT. Did he bleed on a CUT? Did you share NEEDLES? Have you had UNPROTECTED sex?" "I don't do drugs! But I did have unprotected sex with Joel. Just Joel, I swear. Just him, really."

I wonder why is she announcing it to the the entire fourth floor? She keeps going back and forth. One moment she wants to leave, and the next she wants to stay since she'll never be in Australia again. Stay, go, stay, go.

Ooooh, drama.


LIFE HERE This is what it's like to live in the Gold Coast: I did my laundry and I have sand all over my "clean" clothes because the person before me went to the beach. I laughed, actually. I found it amusing for some reason.

TEXT Ines sent me a text about our group meeting with "xoxo" at the end. Hmm, girl friend love? But are we really that close of friends?


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Entry TWO-HUNDRED-NINE

WEEKLY RESOLUTIONS Over at doc-u-menting Mae Jane has noticed the idea of a fellow blogger to create easier, more obtainable goals by looking at them in a weekly sense. Just like with listography, it should make it more easier and a lot more fun for me to do this. But what will be my resolution this week? I think this week I will take a short walk every day just to force myself outside of my room. And this is why:

LITTLE PLEASURES I was tired of being stuck inside, with no sunlight or fresh air, so today I went for a twenty minute walk around campus while listening to Lupe Fiasco. Not only did it feel refreshing to get out, exercise, and be renewed, but I also find that listening to music while driving or walking is the best entertainment.


Watching Lars and the Real Girl is making me laugh.

Seeing a smirk on Mike's face made me smile.

Knowing the Bra well enough has made me content.

DEEP SADNESS but it also makes me sad to know that I won't meet anyone. No one to wake up to. No more sex. Nothing romantic. I guess Gaz is a substitute for some of that? But I guess if things get too lonely and travelling runs out, I can always have a baby via artificial fertilization.


I want my photos to look like these.
I want to be able to take photos like these.
I LOVE the show Skins and wish my life could be just as fun.

Entry HUNDRED-NINETY-THREE

First class the South African turned New Zealander turned Aussie came the same I did. So for a good ten minutes our conversation just flowed until Toby, May, and the German arrived at the same time to interrupt. But see how easy it is with some people? Finally Ash arrived and sat behind us, to which I turned and smiled because I didn't see her come in. It's just too enjoyable; I love it.

At the end I had to wait 15 minutes before the Brasserie opened and May was there standing by me asking what I was up to. Seeing as she had to wait half an hour, she told me to sit in the classroom with her. We ended up not studying but talking about Ying's mood changes. I told her how she just said "oh" after I announced winning an award. How it's difficult not to piss her off, and May agrees. So is it me? May? Both? Everyone causing it? What did she tell May? Either way, May wants to help too, so maybe I'm not causing Ying's bitchiness. And May's bringing me her stats project, instead of Ying, so that made me pretty happy actually.

See how people will help? It pays to befriend.

DEEP SADNESS Gaz doesn't care enough about me to write more than once a week now. He must be too "busy" to write not that he has classes a total of three whopping times a week. Oh, and I fucked my parents out of $2,000 while not even being able to come home on top of it. Yeah, life's good. I've been crying non-stop.

Then mom called again after she was supposed to go to bed. Apparently she talked to the same Jodie person and told her that I'm so upset that I don't want to come back to this uni (so true) and Jodie gave us one more try with a different person. Will it be accepted? Don't know. Kind of mean to give hope, really.

Entry HUNDRED-EIGHTY-SIX

Carrier: United States Postal Service
Tracking #: EE963354565US
Status: We attempted to deliver your item in AUSTRALIA at 12:14 pm on February 12, 2008.
Details: At Foreign Delivery Unit, February 12, 2008, 6:47 am, AUSTRALIA
Out of Foreign Customs, February 11, 2008, 11:38 pm, AUSTRALIA
Into Foreign Customs, February 10, 2008, 12:33 pm, AUSTRALIA
Arrived Abroad, February 10, 2008, 12:32 pm, AUSTRALIA
International Dispatch, February 07, 2008, 8:28 pm, O'HARE APT/CHICAGO
Processed, February 07, 2008, 8:27 pm, CHICAGO, IL 60666
Processed, February 06, 2008, 3:38 pm, KANSAS CITY, MO 64121
Electronic Shipping Info Received, February 06, 2008

{I bothered with this to show what great lengths a package gores through and why it takes so long for stuff to get here}




DREAMS I dreamt that I was taking a bus home, and had asked the driver what bus to take, but got on his bus even though it was wrong. And I was too scared to get off so I was stuck on there, but somehow I ended up near Jeremy. Remember Eric Arko from junior high? We were at his house when I realized I could just walk home. So I did.

Ah, but it's Valentine's Day.

Waiting for class Toby came by and said, "What a great picture" and I had to smile because his happy attitude is always warming. Yes, when Ying's not around I don't mind him. And he joined me to talk in which was really easy to do for some reason. Then the two South Americans came, and Johanna came to talk, but only about class, and that was that. Even though Toby was talking to them he tried a couple of times to include me. I thought that was sweet when most people won't do that.

The Ying came and we figured out that we both have class at the same time and next door to each other, but luckily Ash came to save the day since I don't like being stuck with Ying any more. And when we walked into the room she told me to sit in the back with her, which I did. It was funny because usually Toby, May, and I sit in the back and when those two came in they sat with me, realizing each would be alone. And so it looked like we were joining forces against him, the professor who can't teach. But it wasn't meant that way.

He let us out half an hour early and I stood there while Ash and May came out. We were chatting and doing girly things just laughing, but they talked too much for me. I couldn't get much in and felt left out even though they joined me and didn't mean to do so. May's just that fake that she has to be the center of attention. And she's socially strong. And I could tell that they were sneaking stares at my upperlip and of course I did the bashful looking down habit I've developed in response last year.

Ash wished us a happy valentine's day and I took a chance I asked Toby, "Can I watch since I have an hour to kill?" once I realized they were in the room still. And so May had to join. And in doing so she had to ask about Ying with concern, but agrees that she's bitchy and we have to stay away with her at times. So it's not just me.

After Toby finished and was going to leave, the fun started. He made a comment about being gay and May asked, "Are you gay?" Well, to me as a western, it was obvious. But then she was asking rude questions: what makes you gay? how'd you know you were gay? are you shunned back home? I backed him up, feeling awkward for him, but he did well considering he barely knows us. "No wonder you act like that!" May actually told him! Ugh.

Group meeting was next at 12pm. Ying was already there and I walked up with May, someone she fought with, but they played fake and nice and hugging despite Ying going off on May's boyfriend for no reason. And the three of us stood there talking until Ines, from our CA group came, and surprisingly it was easy to talk to her as well. Since I am terrible at socializing. But the fun part was seeing Joey for the first time since last semester and him waving with that huge grin he always gives me.

The meeting went faster than I thought and easier since ideas do come best in groups and so we were out of there quickly. When I went for lunch the dirty blond was nice and remembered me, which of course made me happy.

Maybe I'm easily pleased.

Maybe I'm that socially deprived.

DEEP SADNESS well, he's officially an asshole. I was thinking, hmm, it's been four days, so he'll email on valentine's day! But nope, none. So, he can go fuck himself. First over four days since an email and now he doesn't even extend the friendship on v-day like last year. Maybe he's talking to Sam. Maybe he met a girl. Maybe he realized he's gay. Or maybe he was offended by my inoffensive email. Yes it's sad and I started BARELY crying once it reached the passing point, but I'm so used to him disappointing me that I'm not that sad. I don't cry really. I don't stop eating and not sleep. I'm fine basically. That's how much out of love I am with him. That's how badly he hurts me. And it makes me think, do I really want to stay here for an asshole? Nope.

Entry HUNDRED-SEVENTY-FIVE

AMERICAN HOME & DEEP SADNESS  Mom called and she won't let me come home to see Tiger before she dies during April.  So to my surprise I cried so much.  I cried, stopped, and then cried even more. But then she called back that night and she said I misunderstood her (as always, that I always do that and that's why I have problems with Gareth as well- according to her). She said I could come home if I want.

Mom said the same thing happened last time and this is just repeating. Where he wants to see me, but we're playing communication games. Except I can't remember. I seem to remember me calling him crying about wanting to leave for good, that if I go home I won't come back, and then him offering Newcastle after that. But this time I remember saying how I'll stop by to see him on the way to Sydney and NZ and he asked if I'd just fly from Brisbane, like was snubbing me. The communication error was staying at his place versus a YHA and I booked the YHA in spite to learn he always assumed I'd be staying with him. This time I don't think he even wants me to come in the first place.

Bottom line. Do I ask him? Or assume we won't go to Thailand because he won't have the money and just blow off seeing him for probably the last time and just go home?

And what about when I leave for good? This will never stop unfortunately. And the funny thing is that I knew this was coming since we "talked" about this in January. Either he blew me off, I hurt him, or he thought I didn't want to see him. Who knows.

UNI CLASSWORK  We met together as a group and we were all on time, except Ying who was ten minutes late. Typical. No one really started, no one led, so I went ahead and got us started to my surprise. I don't like taking over or being a leader, but we had to do something. But Shivang was the one who had the good ideas and the content, so we were a good team while the other two added from time to time. Overall though I don't think we will have any problems with people not showing up and people fucking us over...this being the third charm.

UNI RESIDENTS & YING  I was hoping to escape afterwards and instead of getting away with not having dinner with her, she asked as I was caught talking to the Islander girl. She literally asked while we were mid-sentence with each other. That's how controlling Ying is. And it was just as I thought. Her being a pain in the ass, and not being happy, while I was trying. But instead of really trying this time I gave up and told her basically how it is. I told her that yes I'm going to New Zealand, but that's because I can't trust any of my friends. That they say they will go but don't follow through. Did she get I was talking about her? Probably not. But I'm tired of sugar coating it.

Just as if he were sent to save us from getting to far (and me going off and off in a tangent), cue Toby. He asked if were going to Post-grad dinner and then went off about our International Trade professor, making us laugh, but then left without saying anything. He doesn't want to be close friends with us, so why try?

Mike was the best. I took a chance and asked how he was and he then asked how I was. For him to be friendly now, in the Brasserie, you have to talk first. Before it was the other way around. Maybe he did like me before?

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-ONE

DEEP SADNESS Tiger may be passing away, and I cried over the phone, but softly. I can't be with her and I feel incredibly guilty. I feel horrible, my baby of over twenty years.

DISCOVERED Not that this is grown-up per se, but I went to talk to the front desk to ask about the reserve and discovered that it's not so bad asking for help. Don't be afraid to just ask.

Also discovered that Gaz must want what is best for me, and that's why he sacrifices his feelings so I do what I want. That must be a true friend.

UNI RESIDENTS Second time in a row I've seen Jillian and once again she's really talkative. We ran into each other and she asked how my classes are going and then told me how she's working harder this semester. Talk, talk, talk, no lag in conversation. It was actually enjoyable besides being really surprising.

YING I met for dinner with Ying who wasn't very nice or talkative or smiley. And she wasn't because, I guess, something was bothering her. So if she's like that then something's wrong?

Entry NINETY-SIX

DEEP SADNESS My stomach's so upset that I feel like I'm going to puke...constantly. In line I heard a song sing "It's not over" over and over again and it made me feel better. I just don't get it. I hope the delay is the fact he's moving this weekend. If not, I guess I'll call Monday and ask, "So, what do you want to do?"

BEST FRIEND I laughed so hard that I snorted. Why, I'm not sure, considering it wasn't meant to be funny. Just that he had to re-iterate it again. Even after he said that thing about abruptly ending and then still going on.

Before I forget though, I went to sleep thinking it was past and he wouldn't email, but I woke up at 4pm (ten minutes after he sent it) to a surprise.

"Hey, if I though it would be opposing on my mother I wouldn't have suggested it (same goes for the idea of you coming down...um, haven't we sledge-hammered all of this into each other's skulls already?).

Eh, it's okay, when each email's only a few lines long, it can't really get annoying (plus when I can finally get some sort of access to the internet for any length of time, it's like and exciting little present when I find them seeing as your the only friend I appear to have right now, well the only one I've spoken to/emailed in a long while anyway). But then I guess I can understand, I get the feeling I'm annoying someone when I email two days in a row.

Oh, and buy the way- reason I didn't respond to the call- I got to the phone on it's last ring like always, and we yet again have no land line at the house...at least not until I leave anyway.

Basic- I want you to come to Newcastle at least for a little bit if you think you can manage it (or else I wouldn't have offered), the reason for not contacting you was because I could (whether you choose to believe it or not is up to you). I think your called a friend right?

And now I have to go, I could only get half an hour because everything else is booked out.

Bye Bye.

I know it's an abrupt ending, but I'm over my time limit

Gareth,

PS I do want you to come, and it wouldn't be putting my mum out."

UNI RESIDENTS Andrew says hi to me despite me not (first time I've seen him since last semester: "Hi, Jen" with a big smile) and yet bitch Gillian doesn't bother to say hi to me even though I smiled and said, "Hey" first.


ADVICE: Oprah- "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

Entry NINETY-FOUR

i'm too sad right now to give this justice, but i got the blond grumpy girl to laugh when i told her about our height and we were dancing on our tip-toes to see each other over the high counter. she asked what my height was and we were laughing so hard about it down the line that i didn't care about the people around me.

i just wanted to fucking see gareth. why is he being so cold? am i no longer important? i keep crying and crying, much to my dismay, going back and forth. there's so much right now. my first 30 minute presentation. failing marketing (not for sure, but I know it). gareth being unloving now about me staying over. then to top it off i sent him two emails (one as a sorry for the first), tried calling which didn't work, so i sent a text. why if he hurts me do i comeback? and the only reason i'm crying is because i'm afraid he won't answer me, hence the text in the first place.

when i first read his email i laughed and cried at the same time for the first time in my life, that i can at least remember. i just couldn't stop laughing and the tears were pouring without much effort. it just hurts because i always assumed that it would be like last year where he asks me to stay over and we were good enough friends where it was no problem.

i think i just fucked up my best friendship ever over something stupid.



He never responded to my call/text, so I sent a third email apologizing about the other times with more of an explanation.

What may be working for me:
-he doesn't have many friends
-he loves me
-we've done this before, although not like this
-my $1,000

I've never cried so hard. Slept four, five hours. I don't know what to do. I can't live with or without him. And now I'm stuck here for four weeks, doing nothing.