Entry TWO-HUNDRED-TWENTY-FOUR

"The place where the fantasy seems to be dwindling is with the people; we have more tourists than travelers running around the world. I run all over the country and all over the world, and still find spots that just take my breath away. As long as you're in motion, life is an experience and it's meant to be lived. Fortunately, I come from a family of gypsies and sailors. When I was 5 years old I was already thinking about getting out of Mobile."

--Jimmy Buffett


CULTURE I think Ying's lost face when she did literally nothing and I wrote 1/3 of our paper for us. Now she's emailing me pointless links as if it makes up for it. Huh. She critized us for not starting the paper, before I told anyone, as if she couldn't do it herself. So when I told her, her face was shocked. I laughed. Shivang placed his hands as if in prayer and moved them up and down to thank me. I brushed it off, but inside it felt great.

After the horrible group meeting, since none of them did what I told them they had to do prior to us meeting, I went back to the library with Arthur and Stephen to laugh. I was bored so I pulled out some med books, was disgusted by the photos, and went back to sleeping why they studied finance.

GESTURES Apparently Stephen's asking a lawyer about immigration for me and Arthur, without me knowing it. It made me feel great.

Slept 15 hours straight. Not depressed, so is it because I'm stressed?

Entry TWO-HUNDRED-NINETEEN

UNI RESIDENTS I felt left out as I was listening to my iTouch on the way to find Arthur and Stephen helping a girl find a calculator from the U.S. But I felt left out because I went to talk to Arthur who was busy listening instead of talking to me. Brushed it off as Ying looked in spurts from seven feet over by the class door. I'm not going to be fake with her.

GREAT PLEASURES Once inside Stephen made up for it by saying, "Jenny, my Jenny" to me which caused me to giggle.

GESTURES I was talking to Arthur while I was getting to leave and he was whinging about not having a stapler, so I ran to the library and did it for him. It felt good. And on the way, who did I see? But my favorite Canadian I was just thinking about a few weeks ago- Gillian. The one who saved my ass so many times in classes when I didn't now the American answer. Turns out she's here still, taking a job at Bond.

YING I was tired of waiting for Ying so I went to leave. "JENNN???" a whine came with that annoying Chinese accent. I told her I was leaving, that I wasn't waiting any longer, and she said she'd meet me. Here she was taking her time, but the moment I left, she got her behind moving within minutes to meet me at the brasserie.

I told her that I was going to my dorm to eat, she knew that. I'm tired of doing whatever she wants. Time for me to do what I want. I want to take like she always takes. So she followed, because she's Chinese and can't argue directly, while I can. But dinner wasn't so bad. And again I have to give it to her- she but up with a moody me (because I had to eat with her). Thankfully she asked a lot of questions, considering we haven't spoken for a month, but no I don't see myself ever being friends with her again.

She hurt me too much on Valentine's Day.

Entry TWO-HUNDRED-EIGHTEEN

I sped-walked to international trade thinking I was late only to walk in and see half the class there and half still missing. Listening to my ipod I was sort of shut out of the world, but it brought me back to see all the faces smiling and friendly at me.

Class was awkward because the professor got in trouble with the dean, about his teaching quality, (although he's smart, he's too smart for us) and he wasn't his bubbly self. I was actually scared and guilty for him. I didn't know most of the answers, but I did know one and he smiled at me.

CULTURE Toby and I smiled when he nicely mocked the U.S. again and it's just this bonding we Americans do. And it's nice to be talked about again in economics, since the U.S. is always used and not Britain. It's nationalistic pride in a way.

I walked out with May and we talked on the way down with Toby behind us. He walked with us, disinterested, and more interested in saying hi to people as he passed. He's a user. He doesn't really care about people unless it's when e wants to.

LITTLE PLEASURES My group meeting-- again, Shivang has surprised me and it was entertaining to listen to him. In fact he said that I shouldn't be saying sorry, even though I know that, and I told him I'm getting better. But see how obvious oneself is to others, even ones that barely know them? And he listened during my presentaton the previous day since he quoted directly with numbers! It feels good to know someone listens. We joked about how fun the multi-cultured uni can be and yet how annoying it is as well.

And that's when I realized that I don't take culture seriously anymore. I'm not learning from the individuals anymore, like I used to with the Aussies. I hear them and see them, but take it for granted because I'm surrounded by every culture under the sun.

GESTURES Now I know why people help. I'm much more patient and helpful with Arthur and it makes me feel so good.

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-SEVEN

GESTURES the girl in front of me was carrying a lot and when her water bottle slipped I surprisingly said, "Got it?" to which she smiled big and thanked me for helping.

YING texted me and I knew it was her the moment I heard the ding, knowing she must want company now that she's off campus. I would've replied by my credit ran out, so I fretted about it instead.

UNI RESIDENTS I saw Victoria on the phone and would've said hi, if she hadn't been busy. Again, showing how little outgoing I'm becomming. Instead of staying put and allowing them to do the work, I'm trying to do some of it for them.

Entry HUNDRED-TWENTY

Puking up baby octopus with small tentacles and separate large suckers. I was excite to get fish only to find the surprise all over it. First this and now Gareth not emailing me yesterday. Whatever, I don't care anymore. Christmas will be so depressing this year. No fun, no family, nothing to look forward to.

"Are you doing anything for the holidays?" The blond caught me off guard and I was going on and on while smiling and she looked interested. And I hope she took it as me being interested as well; since I like talking to her. She's now the nicest brasserie worker. Next time I see her I'll ask her if she's going to Sydney for New Year's Eve.

"Anything good at the Bra?"
Jillian's friend was nice and I was glad since they usually aren't. Made me feel great as well.

So with those two and Gareth emailing me, today didn't turn out bad after all.

Entry HUNDRED-THREE

The day I realized that I'm both bored and unloved by Gaz. He seems to rush though my emails with his responses. So my response? I won't bother much anymore. And I'll wait til tomorrow to respond.

But then I emailed him hours later and he emailed back an hour later, with more depth. See? I can't hold a grudge against him and my view is not always true.

This was too cute not to post, but it was stolen from someone's LJ: "if you're ever in a jam,
i'll be your peanut butter ♥"

I've been trying to do this everyday, and today I hit my first 1,000 grains of free rice for those starving.

Entry EIGHTY-SEVEN

Last night I was doing my laundry and saw a frog come out of nowhere, reminding me how beautiful nature is when no one is around.

UNI CLASSWORK I slept in but somehow woke up thirty minutes before my tute, which was much more pleasurable this week. Why? He eased the pain with allowing us to borrow past papers for our workshop and then I actually had enough personal experience to talk about the reading today. It was friendly and I left smiling.

GESTURES I was going to let the lift shut but I heard the running heels and stopped it in time. She thanked me and was a very kind aussie, so it made me feel really good.

UNI RESIDENTS Ivette was in front of me in line for lunch and was nicer than she has been lately, said how it's week 9, and asked if I'm leaving over break. I enjoy run-ins with dormies now, unlike last semester.

Entry FIFTY-EIGHT

Hehehe, Bear emailed me and I know I kind of expect it every other day, but it still makes my day, even if some of them are shorter than usual. I checked it real quick, not even caring if it was so short, and then ran to get lunch since the Chinese girl blew me off and ran into James who put me into an even better mood. That James mood made me slightly more giddy than Bear, but because it was in my presence and I saw it, such a visual girl I am, but then it allowed me to appreciate Bear more.

LITTLE PLEASURES James stood back like he wasn't sure how to act around me, as of lately I wasn't too flirty since he hasn't seemed to be as happy (always frowning, not his usual smiling). Then this massive smile burst on his face and I blurted, "You're smiling!" since he didn't all of last week. We talked; I asked him how his classes are going and as usual he was open and real with me. Telling me how he's failing and giving me a happy, "see ya!"

GESTURES On the way back to eat and read Gaz, a guy with wildly dyed hair, although he would've looked hot with only blond, said hello to me. He must be new, because I tried that last semester and no one wanted to say hello. But it made my day and makes the Bungies seem more of a "home".

I re-read Gaz and I loved how upbeat it seemed.
"AARRGGHH!"
"it's not fair!"
'If anyone asks why you don't go to things I always think it's easy enough just to say "I just didn't really want to".'
"I have to run! I'll write more a bit later. Bye!"
"Love the pictures by the way."

BEST FRIEND Then I found out why he had such a short message: he took twenty minutes doing facebook and maybe with something else, but at least he emailed me (and hopefully no one else). Jealous much? A bit. But I knew something was up before I read it and my heart just burst open when I saw: "interested in women, men." I knew it; bisexual? I felt warm inside and proud for some reason and I don't know why. Then it hit me- why announce to facebook first and not me?

Looking at it though scares me for him, hoping his friends won't take it the wrong way. It's so tough to look at, pretty much a shock even though all along I knew something was up.

And what made him change his mind about suddenly being horny??

Entry FIFTY-SIX

Woke up at 11:12, which means I should get my wish still; how am I doing this? I love that. It was so hot and sticky that I stayed in bed when my first alarm went off (8am) and while I was in that state managed to put the heat on by accident, only making it worse. Sticky, spread out. That afternoon Miss Bikini sat at the picnic bench with the big Aussie, making me jealous that she has so many guy friends right from the start and boobs as well.


BEST FRIEND He emailed me this afternoon and I was happy (not excited, just pleased) until I read it and it was nothing special. Or in other words, he didn't mention the Gold Coast. Should be happy that he took time on a Saturday again to email me, right? Right. I just miss flirty Gareth. In fact, he doesn't make me happy much any more. I don't think I love him any more. I don't get excited when he emails, I don't get excited to email him, and he rarely says something to make me smile. I know I probably don't for him either though. I try at least.

Does he even appreciate me? I think that's why I don't "love him anymore" and he doesn't "excite" me anymore.

I replied to him and during it I cried a lot; not audible but in a satisfying way. Then I remembered that he doesn't want me to go either, but he's not worrying about it now since it's a year away and it's painful. TRAVEL And he, on his own, said he wanted to come up here when I asked him to Tasmania. I have to let him do this. Meanwhile I plan a trip in December and if he doesn't come up by then, I go to see him on my way to or from the trip.

GESTURES Why wasn't the South African not smiling for the second week in a row? Next Saturday I will make it a point to ask him how his semester is going. I just didn't this week because I thought maybe he wasn't smiling because he didn't want to "flirt"? I want to do for him what he's done for me!

LIFE HERE she wants us to be more open and more "homely"...so I tried sitting in the common room. It lasted an hour since I was so hot and tired of waiting for her to walk in. Instead I was in my room with my door open, figuring she had to go by sometime. Okay, to be more clear, I overheard her whispering a reply to some guy who said over and over, "This does not look like a common room." I don't know if she was talking about me, but I know she doesn't talk about the Malaysians, and I do try to talk to her. I must make more of an effort since she's been so much nicer.

It didn't work, but I will keep trying.

The good of it is I overcame to shortcomings: how I don't sit in the common room and how I always close my door. I forced myself in the common room where I then was able to get some work done...there was no internet to distract me.

IM/Text/Email/Post First of all, Jess and Pearly has disappointed me. I thought Pearly and I would make a comeback, full of us visiting each other, but it doesn't look like it. And Jess? She seemed sort of standoff-ish in her facebook message. But what can I do? I'll keep up with Jess through facebook and hope for the best.

Now Bear's latest email.

"I think the general gyst of the messages was," in response of me asking what I had missed.

"You can see it when it's done properly." He wants to show me, aw. I hadn't asked this time

"What else...Um," half way through he's trying to come up with more stuff. Aw.

"I think I also complained about how sick I've been too, but then I'm always doing that...I think there's only one thing that'll stop that, and I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, so sorry." HUH? About how in the last two weeks I've talked about it? "So sorry"??

"I always promise I'll go to the doctor but I always feel so drained and disconnected all the way through, and by the time i get better again (I'm feeling pretty good today by the way)" in response to asking if he had found a doctor, to show I care about him.

(He doesn't talk about the photo I sent; that made me feel weird. I thought it was cute).

"Anyway, that should be a bunch of interesting tales, there's nothing more just now...sadly.
Bye bye,
I'll try to enjoy my smooth shaven face and stuff.
Gareth"
Usually he tells me there's more to come or how he's talk to me soon; this time it's about him. However, the first line does sort of make up for it. Like he wants to write more, but can't.

Entry FORTY-EIGHT

This is the beauty you get to see when you're up at 6am.

GESTURES Judith asked me how I was, asked if I went to palvalor, and then when it was my turn to get my meal (she asked while a handicapped girl tried to get her student card), she again said she hopes I feel better. It was a nice, pleasurable conversation that was easy, and it was a very nice gesture of her.

UNI RESIDENTS Elaine and I are much better. She tried to help with my sickness, so I bought her an Asian pear as thanks. I think she threw it out, not caring, but she didn't mean it on purpose. I don't think she understood what I meant. Regardless, dinner was pleasant and talking was easy, but I find myself talking about silly things with her.

The best part was on the way to meet her for dinner. Jillian and I smiled with pleasantries while she was with a few friends in the common room, and the two guys outside said hello. We shook hands, they said they've seen me around, and we exchanged our names. It was just nice to get to know people.

11am and I knew it had to be coming. Although it wasn't long, my favorite parts are as highlighted. Little surprises. Actually thanking me for my attempts at cheering him up. Saying he got the postcard, and showing his love for the turtle. And saying when he'll write again, although I think that's because I mentioned I'll let him know what happens (ed) on Tuesday?

Entry TWENTY-SIX

Woke up at 10pm to a hiccup and then I giggled. I hope it was him ;)

"And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here.

See you,

Gaz."

It made me giggle today thinking of it. The whole, "I'll tell you how my day went when you get here" deal. Just think that a few months ago we were still emailing each other once, twice a week and now it's everyday. That's why I think he said that, because then I won't hear about his Monday!

LIFE HERE That IGA was a little rough again, so I have to remember to smile and never look away as if bored. It's always the same girls, so there's no point in getting on their bad side because because I'm nervous about my accent. (ADVICE say "hi, how are you?" first).

Things change when all the popular regulars are around and you know you won't be scrutinized. I was blasting music. I opened my room door, not afraid someone would walk by and even if they did, so what? I placed food in the fridge. I felt like this was my bungalow as well, for once. I walked around campus, even though it was open day, looking straight ahead as, "I already go here. I am not a freshmen." I blast my ipod and laughed at their "international food" tent, full of Mexican and Chinese and stereotypical food to please the tiny groups. If they have to go all out, then they are compensating for something or begging for you to come be a Bondie.

I began to get nervous about Canberra and started knitting to calm my nerves. (KNITTING) 30 inches in one day! Just look at that brown next to the blue, how beautiful. It gets exciting to see my work coming together.


KNITTING is distracting me from Canberra. It's my new thing to calm me down, calm my nerves, and distract me from life as I subconsciously move that yarn. Just look how the two colors look together! I can't wait to see what this thing will turn out to be like.

LITTLE PLEASURES no class. being able to knit. knowing that everything always works on. learning that no one is more important than you. having a good dinner with everything you like. being able to walk around campus freely. good music. good roomies. seeing hot guys across the street. knowing that gaz loves me. knowing that I get emails from home, more than last time. an empty laundry room. calling greyhound and getting a cheerful, nice woman. realizing that making phone calls are easy and fast. ice cream after a month. feeling at ease in the Gold Coast. being told by an Aussie that he understands and that I'm adventurous. chocolate mint cookies after weeks of none. a warm room. tea that is not too hot. seeing older pictures of Tiger. laughing so hard. getting a stranger to smile. a good conversation with no pauses. seeing your best friend after three months. going to bed when I'm completely exhausted. a real hug. slipping into bed with a best friend. realizing there are no classes and no responsibilities for a bit.

GROWN UP if there's no Aussie visa for me, I want to try Italy, where I hear the boys woo girls. Meanwhile though, Jess and I both coincidentally want to try Florida and she's got an apartment she wants me to move in with her. I like having a plan. I want Gareth in it, but I won't think anymore about that just yet.


Tried to donate, but I will be outbid while I am gone.

SMALL GESTURES I am on an artsy, helping kick. I'm gathering ideas how to rejuvenate my room, make it more inspiring. I want to help out as much as I can. I started this blog to remember the feelings and deep insides, instead of the boring surface. I have two flickr accounts. I will start a moleskine again in Canberra.

Entry SIXTEEN

IM/Text/Email As I was trying to fall asleep last night I realized that I only receive SMSs from boys for once. First Hugh, then Gaz, Joey, Andrew, Steve.... That makes me feel good since I've always been more attracted to male friendships, but found it difficult to get past the awkward "we're just friends" barrier.

UNI RESIDENTS Just as I figured, Paco fucked me over, but I only stayed nine minutes, so I really don't care. In fact, I'm glad he won't get my notes and my time wasn't wasted. But Steve, the Chinese guy? He doesn't even know my real name, he's using me for my notes because he never went to class, and now I'm kind of upset at myself for giving him my course book. Then Shravang, who used to be nice and talkative, is doing it again because...yep, my notes. Boys are using me for my note skills. I'm not desperate enough for friends to be like, "Yes, take them!" because I'm being used and I see it. However, at least Shravang was decent enough to be nice about it and we've talked throughout the semester.

IM/Text/Email I was just not expecting it and it was the best surprise after a frustrating meeting with three iffy guys to sit down in an empty classroom and see his name pop up at me!

• "How do I remember these things? I think I might have said at one stage that I always remember the pointless stuff, but never the actual important stuff."
• "Funny, I'm glad and sad that I'm finally away from uni when you tell me how things are going there...?"
• "Today’s list- return video (try to find the one the guy’s borrowed), Gym, Red Cross thing (on my own now…let’s see what a crazy mess I can cause)
• "See you in a few days"

GESTURES Anger, anger, anger. I can't believe I was used today and I thought Paco using me was bad, but then it turned to this Steve guy, and now Shravang. These boys better acknowledge me from now on, or I'll be pretty upset. I'll purposely ignore them and so forth, because what can you really do? Not much. Just hope good karma comes back to me.

UNI CLASSWORK Joey arrived early and I was sitting in the back with my laptop, feeling all cool for the first time by finally being brave enough to have it out. We talked until class started, Paco didn't show like I figured, and thankfully Steve did so I could have my coursebook back. All I wanted was my coursebook back, to thank Shravan, and to get maybe a few questions answered. Shravan asked, "Question, Jen?" and that made me smile since he wanted to help. Managed to avoid Shravang by leaving a bit early, something I haven't done here yet, so that also made me feel good, less stressed.

CULTURE It was so funny that I had to stop myself. We were talking about how the blinds stick (the one that closes the blinds) broke and I wanted to say, "Cheap made in China shit," by had to stop since Joey's Chinese. He he he.

GESTURES Dinner. Big flirt. Big, big flirt. James gave me that cheeky, flirty smile of his till I smiled and then said, "There's that smile!" Makes me feel good; I love male attention.

3 Hours and 30 minutes of work
30 cm; 11.8 in

Entry ELEVEN

Just couldn't get myself out of bed, but somehow I woke up around 11:11, which I somehow always do if I sleep in. I tried, I tried to push myself out, but each time I would drift back to dream. I think it was the dreams.

I'm doing better talking to people, but I still do the nervous giggle thing that must make them think I'm somewhat of an airhead.

It's so strange. Just today I was thinking how weird it would be if Christina emailed me and our common room couch was returned...only to have both happen. How in the world?

LIFE HERE "WOW, that was goooooddd...." I sighed as I finished my first taste of ice cream in over three months. THREE MONTHS. Did the girl at the IGA recognize me? I think so!

Reading others' journals about feeling out of place and wanting home in comforting in two different ways. One, I'm not the only one that feels that way. Two, I seem to be of a rare kind that thrives on the differences.

Living here has disadvantages. No Marc's or equivalent to get quality stuff for cheaper. No Giant Eagle for twenty-four hour grocery needs. No Best Buy with extended warranties for electronics. No car means not being able to drive to the local store whenever, which means I can't do crafty things when I have the urge or inspiration.

Find myself randomly finding excuses and urges to go to the library and get food just so I can be social. I'm losing my skills, my mind, my sanity, my health. I wish Gaz were here like in Bathurst so I had someone to talk to every day and all day. Need to find a suitable substitute, a room buddy of sorts. Problem is, I'm not living in a huge dorm and people aren't like that here. It was just Gareth, who lived in my room, they didn't even do that in Hargraves.

BEST FRIEND I've been negative again and I think it's because it's been (a whole) three days since I've heard from Gaz. I keep daydreaming about me telling him, trying to guilt him, how I'll move to Florida and hopefully find new friends and a boy to love me. I write way too much about it, but then again, if I had any other close friends I would be doing the same about them as well. And yes, there's the feeling issue for him. I still would be his if he asked me, not that I THINK that he would. That's the difference this time.

Gareth and you are okay, so shut up.
Gareth will email probably on Monday, so shut up.

Fourteen days and then you have three weeks of living with Gaz, sleeping in his bed again (!), going out for dinner or breakfast or lunch, touring the city, and visiting museums. Maybe picnics and the sort. It's the little things and you will have three weeks of it.

Then that will give you the strength to continue on for another semester before you get to see him again. Another semester that will bring new people, which may mean new friends. Just join a club, please.

Meeting him has been the best thing to happen, and we both remember how it happened. I love how he still remembers and when he retells the story of how he made the move. It feels like a "how we met" story between to lovers, that's how special it is.

" I have found my best friend who I recently discovered was my other half.
I missed her so much and am beyond happy now that we've found each other again.
She is my unlikely other half. We live across the country from each other and have been friends for four years until we lost contact and found it again recently.

We both felt extreme depression during the time we lost contact. I know mine was because of how lonely I felt, even with the love of my boy. I was lacking the friendship I had once had with her. It took a lot of searching to find an address to send a letter to and once I did, it was returned open with stamps I mailed her stolen. I mailed it to one of the other three addresses I had and she was found. Now all I want to do is talk to her. I'm writing letters like crazy using up stamps mailing them all. I just have missed her so much and want to be back in her life and have her back in mine.

You, or maybe just me, would have thought my boy would be my other half. I love him to death and never want to be without him but I am pretty sure the saddness I felt from losing him might be cured in time. The saddness I felt from losing her dragged and never left completely. I already lost one best friend. I can't lose this one. I will work my hardest to keep us from becoming lost to each other again."

Mom and I realized how lucky I am to have met Gareth and how rare it is to meet someone you click with and stay with!


READING: Bush Oranges
DAYS TILL CANBERRA: Fourteen

Entry TEN

LIFE HERE Checked my mail for The Deathly Hallows and ran into that woman again, the one that thought I am an Australian. I don't know her name or even where she comes from, but we act like we know each other and just talk. This time was about Economics and if we did the sample exam yet.

GESTURES This has inspired me to send a postcard from Australia, considering they are Ohioans. I think that's a beautiful idea of her's and would love to help out since mom had cancer. Well, even regardless. This is not for selfish reasons and I'm proud of myself.

BEST FRIEND hasn't emailed me this morning despite all the good signs, but I shrugged it off knowing that it will always be okay. I'm not worried yet again. I emailed him the latest list of songs I got him, all proud that I managed to download 115 songs in a mere two days.

I was in the bathroom reading Franny and Zooey when I realized that he's the only friend that knows basically all of my weaknesses. He's the only friend who truly knows me, even what I don't tell him. I feel so exposed, but happy as well.

ADVICE listen to mom more often. I was walking home from the Lakeside Grille realizing how socially hurtful it would be if I hadn't met whatshisname...um...um...Hugh who convinced me that you can get takeaway. If only I listened to mom earlier when she said that I could just leave with my food to my room. I guess, lesson learned, on top of that is that we can make our own rules. Just do it. Do what Stephen does, that annoying guy in class, and just push and get your way regardless.

READING just finished Franny and Zooey, which was basically a waste of time. I loved Franny's part because I could relate to it (fights with Gareth), but Zooey's part was way too long and all about Jesus.

DAYS TILL CANBERRA: fifteen days
READING: Bush Oranges

Entry SEVEN

Very emotional for some reason, wanting to cry, and showing Stephen I am human by saying I don't want to be here with a cracked voice, how I don't like Bond. It's stretching it, because it's really not that bad here, I'm just not having fun. I get closer and closer to people, but I miss Gaz even more and then it hits me how people have boyfriends and go out and dance.

Ah, that's why. Suddenly that "icky", crampy, bloaty feeling hit and I knew I got my period, which may be a reason for my sudden emotions.

WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED: Group work here is different. Everyone has laptops, which means they are messing around on facebook and flirting on MSN than actually doing the work. Be more confident in your work. It seems like a lot of people bullshit sometimes. Start early since people will not live up to their part.

SMALL GESTURES: I smiled at a girl walking on the bridge, a pretty Asian, and she smiled back, which made me feel so good. People here are usually too rude to return a little smile.

UNI RESIDENTS and CLASSWORK: Ashnita sat by me in the tute and did small talk until I left with her saying, "rest up." I hope the sick feeling I had made me look sick and not upset with her. I told her I was sick, so that's called paranoia. Paranoia with someone I only make small talk with- why do I do that to myself?

For some reason I was sad, and it wasn't Gaz since he's been good, but maybe the fact that I want a guy here to love me. As I was leaving the tute early I ran into Andrew, but I didn't look up and acted like I was lost in my thoughts with my pencil to my mouth like a little girl.

"Jen? Jen??" Andrew asked twice since I was passed him and lost in thought. "Aren't you going to economics?" he asked me. I told him I was sick. "I hope you feel better" he said with a wave as I thanked him and left.

So does he view me as a friend?