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CHANGE Today was such a learning experience. I ended up being in another world, figuratively speaking of course, and the Canadian's friend ended up calling me a bitch for not realizing she was talking to me. Hmm, people are so nice here. But the reason I bring this up is because it actually didn't bother me like it would've in the past. I barely even noticed-- I think my newly acquired "don't care too much about what others think" way of thinking is paying off.

LIFE HERE But I'll move on to Arthur for just a tiny bit, because he's still hasn't changed much. But wait! He's finally realizing that yes, Aussies are just as bad as Americans as far as acting like assholes and bitches. I mean come on, it took him a year and a half to realize that?? And how did he not know that Aussies don't pronounce the "-er" in words, but with an, "-a" sound instead? How is a guy this stupid to the culture going to stay here, but I may not?! But most of all: he blames every fucking thing on Americans. I tell him all the time, how can you hate your own people? That means you're an asshole if you're calling all Americans assholes. He just laughed, dumbass. But then if Aussies do something differently than Americans, then he calls them stupid!

LITTLE PLEASURES I ran into Mike twice, and he sought me out two other times. I read my professor's philosophical novel last night, which just happened to talk about the universe giving us what we need (even though I don't fully believe in that...only somewhat) and here it was happening for me. Serendipity I suppose.

But I'll go back a little bit to the beginning. I was in the library waiting for Arthur, because he can't be alone and he made up some lame excuse for me to be there. Fine. While looking for him I ran into Mike and we said hi as he went to his meeting with Ash and company. Meanwhile I found Arthur and we went into a group room to "study" (I was, he wasn't). Mike happened to walk past and popped in to talk, but mainly to me. It was just stuff about International Finance, etc, but it was fun because Mike always has us laughing.

There's this thing about Mike...he just does it and is confident about it, but in a loveable way. So we went back to "studying" when he popped in again and stole my financials from my group to show his. Meanwhile Ashnita hears I'm there and comes over to say hi. To we're all laughing and talking as usual, but it's stuff like this that makes my uni experience fun.

And when they go to leave, Mike cuts through my room and he stays a few extra seconds to chat and say goodbye. Ash waves and they're all off. Or so I think. I then leave Art for a little bit (I get fed up with how slow he is) and run into Mike out by the Brasserie back room/Bungies. We're talk, he lights a cigarette, and I'm not sure if he wants a long chat or not, but neither of us are really pushing the other to leave.

I just love stuff like that.

A little bit later me and Arthur saw them writing, "A <3 J" in the sky via a skywriting plane. It's always so much fun to watch that. It's the second time I've seen it on campus, and like fourth I've seen in Sydney (the first two were in Sydney with Gaz three years ago when the swans won).

CULTURE I asked mom, "how'd you go?" without even thinking about my Aussie English, ha.

To back track a little bit, I found gaz's email, bright and early (10 min after woke up)!

Mum had fun in Italy [...]. Does he talk about his mom since I know here and I'm like family in some ways? Or because he has nothing else to say?

Yep, only three weeks till the next big adventure (oysters, kidneys, livers…and hotdogs). He makes me laugh-- all disgusting things. But really, so he thinks of this trip as an adventure?! Maybe I'm so over him that I never thought of it that way. [...]. Take things step by step, get excited about finishing and not having to worry about uni, then you can start panicking about planes and stuff. What's this in reference to? Leaving Bond? Because where does the plane thing come in then? Or is it about our trip and waiting to plan it until I'm done with Bond? What matters though is that he cares enough to offer advice.

So far with centrelink I’ve been able to save up two 2 ½ grand. WHAT?! I THOUGHT YOU HAD NONE! SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN SAVING WITHOUT TELLING ME? [...]. I think my chest was 87 centre metres, and I weigh about as much as a sumo wrestler at the moment (53kg- haven’t been that light since about year 8!)- the solution, I’ve checked out what women’s clothes are uni sex and I’ll see how that goes. [...]. There's his weight thing again, always mentioning his weight and scaring me when he does it. And is he gay or not? If I’m a good boy I should be able to save up maybe around three thousand before I pick you up in Newcastle/Sydney (it’s Newcastle right? 17^th?), which means we’ll actually be able to have some fun every now and then…hmm, Hobart…Perth…Fiji…McDonald’s! This is the best part. He's saving his money so we can do something together, irregardless if it's just for his sake or not. And he actually wants to do some real traveling! I just wonder why he hasn't mentioned this earlier, when I first told him I'm coming? Is that why he wanted me to stay longer than a week?

CULTURE I told him that I don't mind people bashing my country really (only when it's Americans who think it's cool to bash now that they think Australia's completely godsent or something), but that it does bother me that Aussies are so one-sided about it. It's never what's also bad about their country, but rather it's always about mine. Nothing's wrong with good-old Australia...but every thing is wrong in the US according to so many of them. But being a true neutral thinking guy, fair all the way, he said this about my talk to my Fijian friend (Ashnita): Hmm, it wouldn’t be too hard arguing what’s wrong with Fiji either really, all of those coups and stuff all the time. I think the hard thing on you is that Fiji’s never in the news, where as every man and his dog get saturated with American news (hell, England’s barely ever in the news and it’s supposed to be a super-power, and I can’t remember actually EVER hearing about Canada in the news…your right, nothing happens there). I bet everyone’s an expert on China with all the news they’re getting now days. Yep, he remembers what I say about Canada.

[...] I think the trick could be just to leave with as many fond memories as possible, and not miss it to much. This is about me leaving Bond, my friends, and all the cultural fun. Again, it's him giving advice.

[...]

[...]

Hey, driver’s license, that’s long term thinking (if I get it now, you’ll still be driving anyway, so there). Ha, how did he know what I was getting at?? [...].

[...]

[...] I’ll let you know how it goes here. We always do that now, but it still means a lot.

See you in a little bit. And this as well, but at least this time he's talking about in a little bit.

Gareth.

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UNI RESIDENTS Art visited me again, even though I don't like it, and this time I was much nicer. When he started last semester I was lonely and so I craved it, but then he started getting creepy. He started staring at things in my room and staring at me in a 32 year old virgin way. (This is why Mormons should not exist).

TRAVEL It was a nice distraction though, because he came to invite me with him and Stephen to the cafe, where we sat and talked for a little bit. After talking to Art I realized how silly I've been and if I had networked stronger, than I could've been five years down the road and visiting friends in each country of the world. And yes I know someone from almost every continent, but I'm still not good enough friends to call them up and visit. It actually made me sad and want to redo the last four semesters.

I find that I don't care if people see me with them anymore. Yes, they're odd looking and older, but meh. And best part was, when I got back to my room, Gaz had emailed me. So naturally I was excited.

Then Arthur asked if I wanted to stay and study with him, which I'm still believing is his way of just being around a girl. And I still said yes, and it upset me that once again he just used it as an excuse to talk and stare at me and other girls. Yes, he can't focus and has a learning disability, but really? He's not mentally retarded. Come on! This is why I'm happy I'm not a virgin, or else I'd be like him-- staring at the opposite sex and making disgusting remarks.

In fact, I got so upset that I told him straight out, "I'm going back to the bungies to watch Big Brother." I think he got the hint.

I need to stand up for myself more. Say it like it is.

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GREAT PLEASURES Wednesdays are usually slow or boring and today the Brasserie was slow as well. When I walked in there, absolutely no students were around, and of course I got nervous thinking I wasn't supposed to be in there. Like it was a fluke that the doors were open. And so naturally, as always, I started laughing and I asked, "Where is everyone?" to which Megan hugged and danced with me. She said something about keeping me company. I was laughing to hard to hear or remember. What makes this memorable is that Megan barely knows me really, and yet she's one of those people I envy who don't think twice and can make people feel loved somehow.

I went to get my dessert and of course Mike is there, just because he seems to always be in a place where I can talk to him. And so we were there for ten minutes talking, just stuff about class and how his manager "hates him" (why does he always tell me stuff from his life? A friend does that, I guess but I always saw as him only as someone to flirt with). He did something to fake peeve me, and so I joked that I hated him, and he said, "You love me!" again like he did in class yesterday as he went to serve a student. I wish I had more friends like him, or that I could know him beyond this place, but unfortunately in two months that will end.

UNI CLASSWORK my first meeting was with Ash and Ying, which was unpleasant in theory, but not so bad in practice. Ash was nice as always, seeing as she's a good aquaintance who gets just close enough, but never enough for me to dislike her. I can never stay friends with females for very long or else I start wanting to choke them because of their constant bullshit and difficulties. They always end up using me or getting too close and sufforcating me. With this in mind, Ash surprised me in a way. Like Mike and most like him, she just says and does what she pleases and people just go "okay" about it without arguging. So when she said, "I'm going to the U.S. and I'll visit you," it too me off guard since we're not that close. And if I were her, I would've danced around the issue or just asked instead of telling.

My second meeting was good in a bad way. This time I did all my work before hand so they don't think I'm doing nothing since I freeze up around them. That's fine and May liked it. However, that also meant they mooched off me and May still gave me the biggest part to do as "homework" for the next meeting. Naturally I was pissed off. Not at her since it's impossible to be mad at her, but that I had to do it after typing four pages of a four page requirement already by myself.


Mike's email for our IFM group made me laugh:

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TRAVEL  We woke up and we had to leave early because of my cold.  Fair enough.  And even though she promised me she'd ask about greyhound at the YHA, she did her sneaky Chinese thing (CULTURE) and without disagreeing with me directly, went behind my back to do what she wanted.  And so there we were taking the local buses to only God Knows Where.  We luckily and unluckily ended up in Emundi, which had that gorgeous "real" Aussie look with the bogan houses and small streets without that artificial look.  The small town look I love.  

It was unlucky because Ying got us lost because she didn't want to take the Greyhound.  To be fair, not booking ahead like I wanted was good because I got sick and wanted to go early (although we could've easily called to reschedule), but I was frustrated.  I should've booked on my own, and I told her that after she asked what I was thinking.  We were nearly lost.  To be fair, she does think more clearly headed at times and so she thought of waiting for the next bus to the station at Nambour.  I don't even remember what I was thinking, but I was surely mad enough at her not to think straight to be honest.  And she asked the bus driver "for Brisbane" so we got to pay the train ticket while on the bus too, which was awesome.  So it's good things and bad things with her really.  

It doesn't matter.  It's just that I have to go with my gut of planning so that I don't get stuck lost in a city, which I hate.  May work for some, but doesn't for me.  Yes it's an adventure and sometimes cheaper, but that's your problem if you get lost and not mine.

Once we got back to Bond, I was so excited that I instantly felt better.  Bond's my home.  Which is sad since I'll be leaving it shortly.

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TRAVEL & YING  It was a bit awkward being in the car with Nash and his wife while trying to make conversation, but Ying did a fair bit and Nash was so good himself.  All questions about the pending trip, the events back home, what our parents do, and about their business.  I wish I knew how to make small talk and what to ask without sounding stupid.  I need to learn by listening to others though.  And luckily I had Ying who loves talking to older men there with me (Nash is in his 40s).

Luckily the three hour drive was almost non-stop conversation and soon we were in Noosa on Hastings street.  Something inside of me just knew where to go because Nash pointed the direction, but Ying didn't trust me and had to ask a bunch of strangers.  So when I found out I was right, of course I was personally elated.  And at the same time I knew I wouldn't get along with traveling with her.  Gaz and I know our way well enough- we don't have to stick out as tourists by asking people directions.  It just bothered me.

Noosa was gorgeous and full of rich, old folks.  It's called Heaven's Waiting Room and the name is quite correct.  Although it reminds me so much of Naples, which makes me not only dislike it but also like it.  Yes, it's full of rich shops and rich old people, but the sun is bright and the sand is white and there's brightly colored modern houses.  You know, bright burnt orange and yellows and blues.  I love tropical housing colors.  

(CULTURE)  The Chinese are impatient.  They call out and ask questions when the person is attending to another because they must have to fight for attention amongst the billions of them.  So I finally had to ell her, "This is Australia.  They take their time" even though I wanted to say, "Slow the fuck down.  She'll get to you. Yes, they're a little bit easy going, but not that easy going."  

We sat on the beach...studying...for a bit.  We go all this way and she just wants to sit?  I didn't complain since I just meditated as I stared off in the distance.  With Gaz I get to do things at least.  We move and see places.  With her, it was sitting.

I was proud that I wasn't a pain in the ass and was pretty easy going trying to please her, like Gaz would do for me. 

Once I got to the hostel I instantly missed traveling with Gaz.  It does make a difference when you're traveling with someone you truly care about and want to be with.  With Ying, the hostel felt threatening in a way.  I felt like I was sitting there with a bunch of strangers and with no one to cling onto.

And so she dragged me to get some wine and we sat in the almost empty living room to drink it (this is the first time I've successfully drank a glass since my 21st birthday when I threw it all up!).  Yes, I couldn't back her up in trying to get some because I was scared.  And also I felt inferior with people socializing with others and not feeling shy.  Why can I never do that?  Why could I partially do that in Hargraves, but not any time thereafter?  

That night, we had an adventure because she lacks so much commonsense.  We went to the National Park and I told her we couldn't be there in the dark.  Yet, she ignored it thinking I was just being my anal self.  It was fun enough going through the first time until it started getting dark and she insisted on going to the beach route (seeing as there were several trails).  Once we got there it was deserted and I read the map to see how we could get home.  "We'll just follow the beach" she tells me even though I pointed out that the beach was different from the main one we were on earlier.  She couldn't grasp that concept.  

And so once again I was right and for once she actually apologized to me.  We had to run with our two mobiles lighting the way.  "I thought the moon would come through!"  Really?  The moon will shine through the dense leaves?  Have you ever been in the woods before?  Ugh!  

Although it was so much fun running through the woods in the dark thinking I would die.  No really, I knew it would be okay and for once I wasn't stressing out at all.  I could've fallen down the hills or down the side of the small bridges.  It was such an adventure and I'm glad it did happen though, because when I think of Noosa, I will think of that.

After those shenanigans we sat down and ate a donut for dinner while watching people walk by in clubbing dress, ready to pick up.  She wanted me to go out with her but I told her no.  Basically I'm not her puppet for fun.  Find someone else to do those things with you, because that's not me.  Really though, it would be fine if I wanted to do those things and it was because I was using her.  Is that how Gaz felt?  As if I was using him to go out for fun when I thought he was then like that?

I was dead sick that night and mom called to see if I was okay.  Instantly I felt loved and okay in that big scary YHA with strangers who made me feel inferior.

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LITTLE PLEASURES I always have feared the phone, so much that at times I just won't do something but at other times it's okay. I'm fine if something is straight forward, but I'm not if I don't know what to do. And as usual Ying was listening to me and was acting like I was just being a pain in the ass when really I was scared and I told her that. Sigh. But I actually called and it was so easy once I did it! Why do I get so afraid? I miss Liz and Franzi pushing me in a nice way and encouraging me. They were real friends. Double sigh.

UNI RESIDENTS I went to get a salad at the Lakeside Grill for the first time in at least an entire semester when I ran into Artika, one of Ying's friends whom I know by association. How she knows my name, I'm not sure, and why she called me over I'm only vaguely certain (to make it appear like she knows more people on campus). Regardless though, it made me feel like I had more friends anyway.

So the day before at my meeting, Nash heard me mention my trip to Byron Bay and offered to drive me and Elaine/Ying. Very kind and that is why networking in Australia is awesome! It was easier for me in Bathurst, but it's not so bad here in Robina either. And so that was set, and I just had to call Ying to tell her that my YHA was booked. When I did, I even offered (surprisingly) to eat a salad with her before her tutorial.

Tutorial? Yep, she invited me to see this American guy that's supposedly the best of the best and I was thinking there was no way in hell. She's known for sleeping with older men and thinking they're just "brilliant" and so I had to see if this was just her odd ways or not.

(AMERICAN HOME) "I went to this lecture to check out this professor who is supposedly the "best professor ever" to some people and I was extremely curious to see how that could even be. Apparently he teaches at a top American MBA uni and is here for 7 weeks out of the 14 since he's that busy. When I went I had to admit that he actually made the 4 hour lecture incredibly interesting, so much that I didn't even realize I was there for 4 hours (plus, I wasn't that interested in the subject of Branding but he made it that much fun). He kept telling me, "You're accent sounds strangely familiar!" and "My friend here would know what I'm talking about" when he mentioned American companies. After class he went up to me and asked which state I'm from, which led to him making me feel at home because he actually knew all my sports teams and the "mistake on the lake" history of Cleveland."

LITTLE PLEASURES dinner that night, Jesse was lovely again. I was half asleep and asked for a paddle pop forgetting to say "chocolate" as well. So he smirked (the first rare part) and said, "there are actually 4" (the second rare part- joking). Once again I just felt elated.

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TRAVEL & YING  I did feel really bad afterwards because I tend to let me emotions and frustration out without really meaning too.  It's just that she makes me want to gouge my eyes out and I can't explain why.  She doesn't listen to me and I'm constantly repeating myself.  I told her that I can't charge her room to my credit card and yet she insists on doing it.  But when I talked to my mom and she overheard, then she finally changes.  Well, listen to me in the first place.  I don't say things just for the fun of it.

CULTURE  The best part was having her sit in my room because I know she hates my room.  I know she thinks it's inferior to her room just because it's older, although I've had her room and it feels like you're living in a hotel.  I've told her the week before that she never comes to my room and it upsets me, after I told her to come to mine and she gave me a blank look with no response.  I won't deal with her Chinese culture any more.  That's sad for me to say, but I'm fed up with it.

The nice thing was going into the Brasserie after having to deal with Ying and having Jesse be nice and ready with my take-away.  He's rarely nice to me and so it's always a pleasure when he is.

GREAT PLEASURES  I was waiting for my group at the wrong time of 2pm, unknowingly, but there was this kind Aussie blond in the hall with me.  She sat and I took her lead, only making a comment on it, which lead to a decent introduction conversation.  It is fun making chit chat with strangers.  But the real great pleasure came with Ash and Mike.  They asked what I was up to and Mike was so willing to help me, and just wouldn't stop until he really had to go.  That surprised me since he's always given me attention, but never this much attention.  And then he also said, "You're higher in my books now" when Ash asked if I was going to see Sex & The City and I told her that I've never seen an episode.  Does he like me?  I wish, but I don't think so.  Although while he stood extremely close to me as he was determined to get ahold of May for me by using his mobile gave me that electricity feeling.

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YING & DISCOVERED I had brekky with Ying and I must say, that I have to learn how to hide my displeasure somehow. I told her three times that they used to do this brekky deal back in 072 and she didn't listen until the third time, making me think her "uh-huhs" are when she doesn't understand what I said in English. Fair enough. It has to be tough. But I have to learn to hide how disappointed I was that I paid $13 for brekky when said said "it's good" and I found out it was the same old deal they used to offer at Lakeside Grille.

TRAVEL & CULTURE "I'm expecting us to travel," she told me a little too firm. Usually I'm the only being snotty about making sure me and a friend travels, and her she was doing it back to me and I laughed inside. All along she led me to believe she wanted to go to a big city, and turns out her displeasure, blank stares, and silence meant she disagreed. I knew that she was unhappy, but how am I to guess why? I wish I could say how she did it, but I can't explain it in words. She just has a way of being forceful without being forceful. She told me she wants to see the real Australian, but then she doesn't want to spend money, and finally she wants to see nature related things.

So I came up with Noosa and she finally agreed. We're going next week, which is thrilling, and also our first over night experience travelling. Let's see how this goes, because usually I'm not too well behaved. I love new things, but I freak if I don't know what to do and start getting angry-stressed about it.

A step for our friendship maybe?

LITTLE PLEASURES the accommodation lady who somehow knows me smiled and asked how I was and asked if I was graduating when I went to turn in my room form. I felt great knowing that someone who only sees me a few times a semester remembers my name and situation.

And then there was Mike. Neither of us were smiling at first, but then I joked how all chocolate cakes are the same, which started a "nuh-uh" back and forth game. He just smiled the flirty smile and said, "See ya!" loudly when I left.

But the best pleasure today was Ying, surprisingly. We talked on the phone about Noosa when we did the back and forth "bye, bye, bye" with such giggling that neither of us could stop. It was our own, "no, you hang up!" kind of game.

Entry TWO-HUNDRED-TWENTY-FOUR

"The place where the fantasy seems to be dwindling is with the people; we have more tourists than travelers running around the world. I run all over the country and all over the world, and still find spots that just take my breath away. As long as you're in motion, life is an experience and it's meant to be lived. Fortunately, I come from a family of gypsies and sailors. When I was 5 years old I was already thinking about getting out of Mobile."

--Jimmy Buffett


CULTURE I think Ying's lost face when she did literally nothing and I wrote 1/3 of our paper for us. Now she's emailing me pointless links as if it makes up for it. Huh. She critized us for not starting the paper, before I told anyone, as if she couldn't do it herself. So when I told her, her face was shocked. I laughed. Shivang placed his hands as if in prayer and moved them up and down to thank me. I brushed it off, but inside it felt great.

After the horrible group meeting, since none of them did what I told them they had to do prior to us meeting, I went back to the library with Arthur and Stephen to laugh. I was bored so I pulled out some med books, was disgusted by the photos, and went back to sleeping why they studied finance.

GESTURES Apparently Stephen's asking a lawyer about immigration for me and Arthur, without me knowing it. It made me feel great.

Slept 15 hours straight. Not depressed, so is it because I'm stressed?

Entry TWO-HUNDRED-THIRTEEN

RESOLUTIONS; My weekly resolution almost stands. Except for one day, I've gone on at least a decent walk around campus to get out and today was an unplanned one with Arthur and Stephen. I ran into them and before I knew it I was tagging along around Lake Orr, soaking in the sun.

EMAIL & TRAVEL; Hmm, looky there-- jobs in Brissy, Gaz? Haven't I been telling you to come here for a year now?

• And this really hurt me at first, considering he makes a lot of mistakes himself: "Couldn't care less, couldn't care less...("could care less" means you actually 'could' care less...and I'm being a pain in the arse)."
• But the truly best part? I quickly read over it and it didn't really hit me at first since he's hurt me a lot these past few months. It's like he's using me for travel and that's it. And so I just went, "Sure, yeah, as if you'd want to" about it. But then I thought that he had the guts to say it, so here it is: "The real Australia...I'll see it one day too. Maybe if you write down a list of all the possibilities you could explore and look at it every now and then, a plan'll develop? (and maybe, just maybe I'll have my shit together...or a little bit of it anyway)."
• And then I noticed he was back to his joking and caring ways, which he hasn't been like for a bit now. Is it because he cares more about me? Or because he's happier? Or because Sam's gone again? "10%!...phew, nothing to worry about" made me feel much better. Then more loveliness: "Yay, your life monotonous too! We can whinge together (it's so much more fun when there's someone else)."
• Then he finished it with the salutation I hate, but with a redeemer at the end: "Bye-bye for today, Gareth."

UNI RESIDENTS Arthur is nice and gives me a lot by helping with stats, but then he expects me to do it all and figure it out while he watches people walk past. I don't get it.  I understand he has a learning disability, but I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe he can't stay focused?  I am somewhat understanding, but I wish I could be more.  

Regardless I went back to see him that afternoon to work on stats only to run into Stephen and him walking towards me.  Talk about timing.  After our walk from above I went to the career fair with them and left because I can't network and I'm just timid.  That's when I ran into Ashnita who sat with me and I learned something.  We will never get far as friends.  We are, but we aren't.  I was telling her semi-personal information about how I don't know what to do with my degree and her reply was to go to the library.  

I'm still learning with social situations.  I thought she wanted help with stats and I was waiting for her to say something, but thankfully arthur arrived and saved the tension and uncertainty.  He's outgoing like that.

I texted Ashnita for the first time and emailed May for the first time.  It was a day of newness.  I got Ash's number when she asked to meet us for stats and I got May's email when she asked for an old assignment of mine.

At lunch Megan, the cool and sometimes snarky Aussie but otherwise nice one, was finally joking after a long time of not with me.  She told me how everyone is ignoring me and she came to save me.  But then after that...the cute Aussie blond?  He started talking out of nowhere to me, which is unusual for the two of us.  It was just that nice.  I was smiling all the way to my bungie.  When I make more Aussie "friends" it makes me feel better.

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-SEVEN

UNI RESIDENTS  Arthur met me at 8am to do the homework...only he already did it all with Stephen without calling me to let me know.  I kept my cool even though I was frustrated with how he just wanted to socialize and not even try to help me.  I kept my cool when he didn't even put forth any effort.  I really do think he has a learning and social disorder.  His mind works so slow.  So I understand, even though I was upset.

YING & TRAVEL  Ying was actually a few minutes early, since she must finally realize that I take people being late very difficult.  After telling her how I'm always on time and I don't like when people are late, she finally got it.  I wasn't overly friendly since the last time I saw her she wasn't either, but I was nice enough.  Just a bit cold.  She's only nice when she wants to be, so why should I always be nice and friendly?  And instead of asking me directly if I could bring my camera, she asked around the bush.  Instead of just brushing it off as I always do, I told her that I don't get it because westerners are blunt.  Yes, I'm tired of her always doing her way and not adjusting.

But eventually things cooled down as we got to Surfers and it was her "first" time even though she's been there with me before.  She keeps forgetting that, yes, Melbas was in Surfers.  And I was even overly nice, compromising, and taking the initiative in what we should do.  I didn't want a donut, but I took the clue and asked her if she wanted lunch.

CULTURE  Again, the happiness soon died.  Her friends called and instead of staying with me, she wanted us to go with them.  I said yes even though I didn't want to, knowing she wanted to.  I was afraid at first they were "traditional" but in fact they were pretty western from living here so long and that made me at ease.  He even had a sense of humor, just like Chinese-Nick from Bathurst. Always knowing what to say and making it all a joke.  They were so nice in the car, but then Ying and the other Chinese girl started talking Cantonese in front of me, even though I was standing with Ying first, and I sulked off.  Ying didn't get it.

But eventually I talked more with the guy and Ying came around and paid more attention to me, so it was okay.

After they dropped me off (how high school it felt, being in a car with more than one person and laughing and driving), Ying emailed.  She wanted to meet for a walk.  And during that walk I told her how left out I felt.  She didn't get it ("She wanted to talk Cantonese because she's always speaking English"), but she did apologize.  I'm usually not so forward, but I'm tired of it. And at the end of the walk, she invited me to dinner for tomorrow.    

ADVICE  (Stephen Colbert, Commencement address):  "This seems like a very nice place. They have a lovely Web site. Besides, have you seen the world outside lately? They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks. My God, I couldn't wait to get here today just so I could take a breather from the real world. I don't know if they told you what's happened while you've matriculated here for the past four years. The world is waiting for you people with a club. Unprecedented changes happening in the last four years. Like globalization. We now live in a hyperconnected, global economic, outsourced society. Now there are positives and minuses here. And a positive is that globalization helps us understand and learn from otherwise foreign cultures. For example, I now know how to ask for a Happy Meal in five different languages. In Paris, I'd like a "Repas Heureux" In Madrid a "Comida Feliz" In Calcutta, a "Kushkana, hold the beef." In Tokyo, a "Happi- Shokuji " And in Berlin, I can order what is perhaps the least happy-sounding Happy Meal, a "Glückselig Mahlzeit."

Also globalization, e-mail, cell phones interconnect our nations like never before. It is possible for even the most insulated American to have friends from all over the world. For instance, I recently received an e-mail asking me to help a deposed Nigerian prince who is looking for a business partner to recuperate his fortune. Thanks to the flexibility of global banking, a Swiss bank account is ready and waiting for my share of his money. I know, because I just e-mailed him my Social Security number.

Unfortunately for you job seekers, corporations searching for a better bottom line have moved many of their operations overseas, whether it's a customer service operator, a power factory foreman, or an American flag manufacturer. They're just as likely to be found in Shanghai as Omaha. In fact, outsourcing is so easy that I had this speech today written by a young man named Panjeeb from Bangalore.

If you don't like the jokes, I assure you they were much funnier in Urdu...

And when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-porous borders. Now I know you're all going to say, "Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America." Yes, but here's the thing—it's built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it's a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spanish, the next thing you know, they'll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.

So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That's the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we'll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we're at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we'll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It's time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls. Yes, yes, I agree with me."

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-NINE

YING & BEST FRIEND Ying emailed me back last night, made me thinking of Liz and how close I used to be to a female and now how much it scares me and I don't want it, and yet I do. She asked to let her know when I'd like to come see her place and go for a walk. And I can't help to think how I want to be social and yet at the same time how it's too much work for me. How I'd rather be alone and watching Weeds...unless it's with Gaz. How basically I'd do anything with him since he's just a natural part of me now. I don't want to lose the "unconditional/mutual love and trust, and being able to call someone at any time for any reason, and being able to hang out and do anything together without any awkwardness or boredom."

LIFE HERE The redhead girl? All it took was, "How are you?" added on and she perked up even more and asked about going to the pub run.

TRAVEL I decided today that I'm going to Byron Bay on Friday, with or without Ying. I can do this. When I do, it will be my first outing alone for more than two years.

Entry NINETY-EIGHT

I found this through stumble and I want to do this in Newcastle.

more: written down on newie and in mobile.

Entry SEVENTY-SEVEN

BUDDHISM is luck apart of Buddhism? I saw two lady bugs, and one landed one me. Scores of butterflies flew around me. It was beautiful. I was smiling looking around and I probably looked really strange doing so, but it was too pretty not to do so.

BEST FRIEND Trying to study I just couldn't. I started crying thinking about how Gareth doesn't support me. He hasn't visited me yet or at least said he couldn't, only that initial and after remark. But when I asked last week if he meant the Gold Coast? No response. So whatever, I need to ween myself off of him. If his (possible) email on Monday is not to my liking, that's it. I'll send his beanie, but that's it. No more depending on him to only have him rip my heart out by never visiting me before I leave. That just shows he won't come to America. So fuck it. That's why the push for New Zealand. To make myself do something without depending on him.

LIFE HERE is pretty now with butterflies swirling around me and a bee coming right to my fast like in the movies and just drifting and buzzing in mid-air as if looking at me before buzzing away. It's so enchanting.

WELLBEING Right now I think I shouldn't be in your life with all the feelings of sadness I just can't get rid of. It's been almost a year since I came here and went through that hell, and I still just can't get over all the hurt I've experienced over the last two years. So I wanted you to know now. I guess I always felt like nothing to you, despite you claiming otherwise, and I see no point in going through all this several times a year with us arguing over this. And I don't think you intend on visiting me while I'm here, which means I won't be seeing you once I'm at home, so it's probably best anyway just to do it now so I don't go through the whole Bathurst episode again.
Thanks for all the happy times,
Jen


I don't know how we got on the subject considering I didn't want to talk about it, but we were talking about how it feels like Gaz uses me. But does he really anymore? He's finally giving me more attention. It's just meeting Sam...but she came to him, and the fact that he hasn't said recently how he's coming up here. So solution? I'm giving him until the time I leave to come see me. If not, fuck him.

TRAVEL Elaine's going to try to come to New Zealand with me! She loves the idea of how it's a powerful trip, my first without him.

Entry FIFTY-SIX

Woke up at 11:12, which means I should get my wish still; how am I doing this? I love that. It was so hot and sticky that I stayed in bed when my first alarm went off (8am) and while I was in that state managed to put the heat on by accident, only making it worse. Sticky, spread out. That afternoon Miss Bikini sat at the picnic bench with the big Aussie, making me jealous that she has so many guy friends right from the start and boobs as well.


BEST FRIEND He emailed me this afternoon and I was happy (not excited, just pleased) until I read it and it was nothing special. Or in other words, he didn't mention the Gold Coast. Should be happy that he took time on a Saturday again to email me, right? Right. I just miss flirty Gareth. In fact, he doesn't make me happy much any more. I don't think I love him any more. I don't get excited when he emails, I don't get excited to email him, and he rarely says something to make me smile. I know I probably don't for him either though. I try at least.

Does he even appreciate me? I think that's why I don't "love him anymore" and he doesn't "excite" me anymore.

I replied to him and during it I cried a lot; not audible but in a satisfying way. Then I remembered that he doesn't want me to go either, but he's not worrying about it now since it's a year away and it's painful. TRAVEL And he, on his own, said he wanted to come up here when I asked him to Tasmania. I have to let him do this. Meanwhile I plan a trip in December and if he doesn't come up by then, I go to see him on my way to or from the trip.

GESTURES Why wasn't the South African not smiling for the second week in a row? Next Saturday I will make it a point to ask him how his semester is going. I just didn't this week because I thought maybe he wasn't smiling because he didn't want to "flirt"? I want to do for him what he's done for me!

LIFE HERE she wants us to be more open and more "homely"...so I tried sitting in the common room. It lasted an hour since I was so hot and tired of waiting for her to walk in. Instead I was in my room with my door open, figuring she had to go by sometime. Okay, to be more clear, I overheard her whispering a reply to some guy who said over and over, "This does not look like a common room." I don't know if she was talking about me, but I know she doesn't talk about the Malaysians, and I do try to talk to her. I must make more of an effort since she's been so much nicer.

It didn't work, but I will keep trying.

The good of it is I overcame to shortcomings: how I don't sit in the common room and how I always close my door. I forced myself in the common room where I then was able to get some work done...there was no internet to distract me.

IM/Text/Email/Post First of all, Jess and Pearly has disappointed me. I thought Pearly and I would make a comeback, full of us visiting each other, but it doesn't look like it. And Jess? She seemed sort of standoff-ish in her facebook message. But what can I do? I'll keep up with Jess through facebook and hope for the best.

Now Bear's latest email.

"I think the general gyst of the messages was," in response of me asking what I had missed.

"You can see it when it's done properly." He wants to show me, aw. I hadn't asked this time

"What else...Um," half way through he's trying to come up with more stuff. Aw.

"I think I also complained about how sick I've been too, but then I'm always doing that...I think there's only one thing that'll stop that, and I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, so sorry." HUH? About how in the last two weeks I've talked about it? "So sorry"??

"I always promise I'll go to the doctor but I always feel so drained and disconnected all the way through, and by the time i get better again (I'm feeling pretty good today by the way)" in response to asking if he had found a doctor, to show I care about him.

(He doesn't talk about the photo I sent; that made me feel weird. I thought it was cute).

"Anyway, that should be a bunch of interesting tales, there's nothing more just now...sadly.
Bye bye,
I'll try to enjoy my smooth shaven face and stuff.
Gareth"
Usually he tells me there's more to come or how he's talk to me soon; this time it's about him. However, the first line does sort of make up for it. Like he wants to write more, but can't.

Entry THIRTEEN

Lucky thirteen I hope.

Woke up around 8:22, the famous one, kind of wanting to touch myself after a sexy daydream and when I tried to orgasm, my insides were raw, so I had to leave it be. What a shame.

Strange thing is, she was not on when I signed on, and a few short moments later I check back and she is. I'm ignoring of course, as if I care enough to do anything about. My only concern is why?

Lately I've taken a liking to drawing my arm to my chest in thoughtful thinking or resting just so I can push against my breast. I don't know why, I guess because I was never the kid to really look at her body and to touch.

UNI RESIDENTS Lunch at 10:45 was awkward, so I don't think I'll be staying to wait for my food again. Standing alone, but alone while others were standing alone as if we were trying to find comfort in each others' company while we waited and waited for the pasta to be cooked. I made the mistake, or maybe not, of putting my chocolate mousse on an empty table to look up as a guy was sitting down at the table, to which I had to politely turn around and find an excuse to move away. I was unsure of it I made a mistake, if he had already taken it, or if he was flirting. Either way, it was akward; I never know how to take advances.

Then the girl. I was standing by another table, which was sandwiched between me and a couch, while also held my mousse and water. The girl decided to sit at the couch and it was uncomfortable with me already facing the couch, waiting, and her sitting there. I was there first, so I stood my ground knowing she couldn't have been trying to be rude, but just joining in. Just used to the rude foreigners around here unfortunately; all these cultures mean people have different understandings and meanings of rudeness.

KNITTING Walking back I had a great idea, because I've realized that ideas come when I'm walking outside and not really thinking about anything in particular. Why not use the blue in a long strip, like a really thick scarf, and then when I run out of it, start on brown? That way I have long strips to "knit/sew" together to form a large blanket! So proud of my either creativity or knitting stupidity, but ran into the Norwegian while I was proud of myself with the usual smile and hello exchange we do.

IM/Text/Email Couldn't believe it. Walked in just at 11:11 and found a blue envelope with a "1" staring back at me, hoping it was him, and kind of knowing it was. I was right and this relief just ran over me and I smiled and ran to the library to print it out. It was a lucky thirteen!

My email to him was good, but I didn't put much heart into it after reading his blah one; I much prefer when he writes from his sister's house when he has time. Or maybe he's losing interest, don't know, and I doubt that.

"Hmm, I'll have to think of stuff to have fun with in Canberra- I guess Questacon's a must- have to think of food to (of course), there's a little korean place I've decided to make my occasional lunch place, so cheap and good at the same time (they've got a salmon dish too, but I guess the aim is to get grilled salmon, european style...I might go for a wander to find some, shouldn't be too hard).

He's bringing up Canberra on his own, without me saying anything remotely about it, and it came after "Okay, my jaw just hit the floor. I can't really ask for more (dead prez maybe- that's kind of out of left field isn't it)." I love how he keeps surprising me, considering Dead Prez is rap and he's not one to like anything remote to rap.

UNI CLASSWORK Half an hour early thinking I would have the theater to myself, but instead I was greeted by a mumble from the German. He asked me a pointless question he knew the answer to ten minutes later, why I don't know, and then asked me to watch his notebook (as in "laptop") ten minutes after that. One thing I've learned is how trusting people are with mere students in their subjects to watch their important belongings. Everyone does it. There's the mutual trust.

Joey and I were doing our usual questions back and forth until a Chinese girl walked in and I knew somehow that they knew each other. I find it awkward to talk a few rows in front of me when my voice carries and others can hear anyway. May walked in with her usual serious face and then smile after she said hello, followed by Adriana (that's the other woman who thought I was an Aussie, I found out), and then a loud chatter of just Chinese as the Aussies and Europeans were mostly gone. How do they survive here? Their culture is nothing like the Aussie one and they can't understand half of what happens...

It hurts to think I may never live here again, but only because of Gareth. I'll miss him like nothing else, my only true friend, although he'll still have Sam and that will only piss me off.

IM/Text/Email Joey sent me some texts, which is great considering Gareth supposedly doesn't have money to buy credit. Meh. I hope he's not lying to me, but then why would he- he's the one who texted first.

CULTURE How cute, Australia's getting it's first smartboards. I had those early high school days. God, it's like I'm in a baby country that is so behind and I'm the experienced, smart one who is frustrated with how ignorant they are.




Around 40 minutes of knitting


Around two hours total of knitting


I can't put it down, it lets me think, and I get lost in it.

Entry ONE

Livejournal is down due to a power outage in San Fran, so I've been inspired to start a proper blog. This is where I should keep track of more of my feelings, rather than a simple "this is what I did today" kind of every-day-type of entry. This is also where I will try to develop my skills of photography.

Wellbeing
My body ached all over when I woke up this morning- that must mean that 30min-60min walks I started a few days ago are really getting my body into shape. I don't think I'm overweight...well, slightly. My jeans aren't falling of me as much, and my belly bulges with gas, and so I'm more conscience of how I look. The fact I live in "the sunshine state" doesn't help much either, since I'm surrounded by skinny girls who wear tight clothes.

Boys
I'm a bit worried about Gaz, but not really. It's been two days and I'm only "worried" since I crave so much attention from him. He makes me so happy and he makes living here that much more enjoyable. He's there to talk to when I have a problem and he knows me better than myself at times.

I love you as a friend still makes me happy, but it has yet to give me a giggling, warm, stomach-turning, kind of feeling. I think it's the way I read it. He was being pissy in reaction to the mean stuff I had said, so I wasn't in the right mood when I read it. BUT HE FINALLY SAID IT and I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT FIRST.

Life Here
My nails have grown long. As much as the food can be repetitive and sometimes not to my liking, I love the variety I've never seen since my mom only knows how to cook five dishes. This is food heaven here. This room feels more like MY room, as if I never want to leave it. The bed is so big and sturdy so my back does not hurt. I was supplied with a pale green blanket that makes me smile when I see the beautiful color. Sometimes I love to detach my laptop from my desk and just lie on my bed to start typing or surfing. And my desk. I have a big desk unlike at home!

No rain means no rainbows, and I love the rainbows so. This state is true to its motto. Regardless, I feel safe here now. I feel much better now that the semester is coming to a close. Classes are not a chore and they are actually enjoyable, since that's when I get to be sociable. I do miss boys flirting with me and even chasing me, but I guess you can't have everything. Gareth and I are much closer, I feel comfortable here, and I have class friends, so all is pretty well so far. Maybe, just maybe, things will improve next semester. Maybe boys will start chasing after me!

My semester binder is almost full and it makes me feel accomplished to open it and see all that I have learned. It is also intimidating considering finals are approaching...fast. My new moleskine planner is also starting to bulge now that I've taken to printing out Gaz's emails and pasting them on the blank pages of each week. This way I can re-read his words when I get lonely, be it in class or waiting for class.

Advice
"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention.
Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day."
-Invisible Monsters

Travel
To be honest, just like with "I love you", traveling to Europe in January hasn't hit me yet. Maybe because I didn't plan on it and I was never one to get excited over Europe. I'm an Asia girl, by far. But regardless, I'm happy I get to check FIVE countries off my "Countries I've visited list" and those at LEC who had "Europe!" albums and statuses can be jealous that I've gone as well, on top of currently living in Australia. I can't hide that I've always been one to brag and one-up people I don't care much for.


Reading: The Old Man and the Sea
Days til Canberra: 24