Entry HUNDRED-SEVENTY-TWO

May and I are over as well.  Maybe she realizes I've caught on to her fakeness or Ying's telling her stories or she realizes I'm "not as friendly" (aka, realizing she's fake and not even trying).  Either way, she still is nice but not fake-over-happy-nice anymore.  Less touching.  Fewer questions.  Again I don't care, and find it entertaining not caring anymore.  We're still friendly, but that's pretty much it. 

I sat eating my lunch at the picnic bench being braved and not caring who saw while the cleaners finished.  Although, it made me feel out of place as I saw bleached blonds walk by laughing and caring for each other.

Arthur knocked on my door and gave me his notes for International, thus reminding me that he had an awards ceremony tonight. I can't believe I forgot even though I wrote it down. And so thankfully he stopped by because it ended up being really fun. In fact, I got to knock down Ying again. She arrived with May and May's boyfriend and I was surprised to be honest. One, May didn't say anything about it, and two, neither did Ying. But May's really that close to Ying? And so I waved and that was that, while I went back loudly talking to Arthur and Stephen. While May ignored Ying (yep, she's not that great), she turned to ask me some silly question. I kept a cold face and said, "How should I know?" (Seriously, how should I?). And when we left I led the way without looking at Ying who turned to either see us or go our direction, and kept going. On the way out I congratulated Arthur and said goodbye.  

Thing is, she won't be in my international finance class and she won't be in HRM (as far as I know), but she will be in Entreneurship.  That is where I will hurt because May will be in it as well.  And so I will have to find a group other than that, hoping Ashnita is taking it.  Note to self: ask Ash if she's taken it yet. 

I will go to great lengths to get someone "back"...so to speak. After I left I went to the Brasserie for dinner and who was in front of me? My two Malaysian roomies who ignored me. Usually they don't, so I was surprised, but not upset at all. In fact, after they got back I "went out" and walked to and back from the South Tower just so I could ignore them twice.

GREAT PLEASURES Talking and laughing so hard with two people who get you is just wonderful. Beyong explainable. You feel like you belong, like nothing can go wrong, and like the happiness will never die.

Entry HUNDRED-SEVENTY-ONE

Run around this morning with only nice people at least and it felt good to get some things done, but at the same time I was stressing about the lawyer's call.  How do I access his call without any credit?  And when the fuck will I get my International Trade book?  According to the site, I have two more weeks and after that, I'm just photographing the entire library reserve book and not buying any next semester to make up for it.  

EMAIL  Bear emailed me.  I was a little surprised since I wasn't expecting it tomorrow. And when I opened it up I just became sad again, which I do once in a while when I expect a playful reply, and I received what I thought was not that kind.  When in reality, it was just what I would do (loving, but not overly loving).  No matter what I won't push him away, so whatever happens I'll just take it since he's my only real friend.  Oh, and he's worth it of course.

YING  To be honest, I don't care anymore when it comes to her.  I won't even try.  She ignores me, I ignore her and it's as simple as that.  Truth be told, I don't need her next semester so I'm not concerned at all.  In fact it kind of entertains me to ignore her like with Liz and Franzi and it gives me this high.  What bothers me is how this started?  She used to stalk me and then I grew away from her, so maybe that's how?  And now she's latched to May and tryng with others, so she doesn't bother?  Well she came and didn't say hi to me, so I didn't either, even though she eventually walked over to stand by me.  This was before class started.

UNI RESIDENTS  Class started and I went to the back with Ashnita sitting next to me and Stephen next to her, with James/Mike later joining next to him.  Just like last time.  And we had some fun again, but this time we were actually paying more attention.  Regardless, Ashnita asked, "You going to the post-grad dinner?"  She's constantly asking me that kind of stuff and I should just do it to be more socialable.  

At the end of class I pointedly ignored Ying and went over to collect my assingment and then talk to Arthur when Ash joined.  "Where do you live?"  "The bungies.  Bungie 3!"  "We should drop by."  She's so lovely, but it's still hard to get close to her.  Afterwards I went outside to compare my homework with Stephen and then Ash joined again. However, Ying came as well and she tried to earn my attention while I ignored her and talked to Stephen and Ash to set-up a meeting time for Monday to go over our homework.  It made me feel good to be apart of it all.

On the way to the brasserie, the really nice younger woman I haven't seen all semester was there and said a nice hello to me with Ying mistaking it for her.  

Entry HUNDRED-SEVENTY

UNI CLASSWORK  International Trade was as expected.  In fact, we did even more "looking around the room" and giving each other a "what the fuck?" look everytime he laughed and didn't make sense.  Point being, we unite in someone else's silliness.  While May and I weren't doing well (Ying and her may be great friends, but we aren't.  And unlike Ying, I know fakeness), I had fun talking to the German.  I made a move to chat with him and May, and he returned it.  I love being social.  

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-NINE

UNI CLASSWORK & RESIDENTS  At the last moment I decided I would go to the library to print some slides, which just happened to be perfect timing.  I looked up and saw Arthur and Stephen looking at me, so I waved and they came to ask what was going on.  But this is the thing- they asked me if they could see my work since they were stuck on problem 3.  While I was stuck on problem 2, Stephen acted like a true dad and helped me first.  Then he went over problem 3, completely patient the entire time.  He's almost my parent figure here.

Down to lunch James/Mike walked in front of me and some guy and then walked back right behind me in line.  I joked that he cut and he joked back, while I then asked what he was having. May seem brave of me, but not really considering two semesters ago I was constantly flirting, saying hello, and smiling.  

On the way back I ran into Jillian, something I've done almost every day this semester, and she said a cheerful, "Hey!" first.  

While I was eating Arthur and Stephen came by and asked if they could drop of their stuff in my room, and it was when they came back after eating lunch that we all went down to the uni centre where I asked Stephen if it is easy to get a job here (yes).  His confidence makes me feel better.  And when we went to class it felt very sociable with me, Stephen, Arthur, and Rosa talking while a few others join.  I led the way by walking into the emptying classroom, happy to get away from the Norwegian who has been hitting on me.

Once inside, Arthur and Stephen each sat on one side of me and then Mike/James came in and sat directly behind me.  Then Ashnita followed by sitting next to him.  How can people be so nice and funny?  We know each other, but we're not all that close (sans Mike/James and Ash).  Mike paid attention to me, we all laughed, and I made an effort to talk in the ongoing conversation.  And when someone's cell phone did an odd "dinging" noise you here on planes, James said, "You are now ready to board" to which we all couldn't stop laughing.

At the end Ying waited for me while I was brave and went to see the professor and she smiled.  But when I came over she didn't acknowledge me since she was too busy talking to Rosa and Gabrielle (the South American from Marketing), trying to get closer to them, so I told her I was off.  She said she was coming but she lagged too long not making a move, so I went off on my own.  I knew we'd be okay and we were.  I'm just tired of her social games.  We do it all the time to each other now.

Next was our customer analysis where I was brave and answered a question incorrectly, but still I went for it first when no one else would.  And after I answered that, I answered another one.  And I'm beginning to like talking in class as long as it's still small enough.  

But that's not all.  I was talking to Shivang and laughing and acting Western while Eastern Ying didn't get it, but looked down and didn't crack a smile.  And while we were talking Ying exerted her opinion, again, without any backing.  And so all three of us (two of them backing me), told her that she was wrong.  In fact it felt good because I'm always doing it to Ying but no one is around to support me.

At the end of my five hours of class time, Ying and I went to have dinner where we sat where we usually go to the picnic bench.  And it was nice but not a great conversation.  It flowed but it wasn't fun.  What made my night was watching May, Nash, and Victoria come out.  All three excited and Nash and Victoria excitedly talking to me and big smiles everywhere.  It was a nice long goodbye and it was sad to see them go, but I hope to run into them all again.  At least next Monday around 7:45.

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-EIGHT

DISCOVERED Today I discovered that the IT and library Labs do indeed burn CDs.  And so I used this function to finally burn gaz photos of Canberra, Newcastle, and even Byron Bay. I also discovered that I am the new featured user on listography.com.

YING she loved my hair down and from there we were laughing and having fun.  We talked for over an hour and a half during which I finally urged us to get going.  Not because I didn't enjoy it, but I don't like sitting too long and talking with her...just because.  And on the way back to my bungie we ran into Jillian who said hi first and then "Ivette" who smiled big at me.  So I pretty much felt like I belonged.  

BEST FRIEND & EMAIL  Three hours after I emailed him, his response came back. And it was a pretty good one, too.  

"(like you said, each time you see me it feels like I've changed a bit. I don't think it's that I've changed, I'm still the same person like always, it's just a few more bricks have been knocked out)."

 
"You know It's the first black beetle I've ever seen, miniture or full sized, that's new! Oooh, it's wind-up!"
 
"Ooh, books and stuff."

"How long has the couse work taken so far?"
 
"Anyway, see ya, hope you do get some calls"

ADVICE “Life is too short to not take a moment and try fun things like this. We’re doing it."

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-SEVEN

UNI RESIDENTS  Arthur met me at 8am to do the homework...only he already did it all with Stephen without calling me to let me know.  I kept my cool even though I was frustrated with how he just wanted to socialize and not even try to help me.  I kept my cool when he didn't even put forth any effort.  I really do think he has a learning and social disorder.  His mind works so slow.  So I understand, even though I was upset.

YING & TRAVEL  Ying was actually a few minutes early, since she must finally realize that I take people being late very difficult.  After telling her how I'm always on time and I don't like when people are late, she finally got it.  I wasn't overly friendly since the last time I saw her she wasn't either, but I was nice enough.  Just a bit cold.  She's only nice when she wants to be, so why should I always be nice and friendly?  And instead of asking me directly if I could bring my camera, she asked around the bush.  Instead of just brushing it off as I always do, I told her that I don't get it because westerners are blunt.  Yes, I'm tired of her always doing her way and not adjusting.

But eventually things cooled down as we got to Surfers and it was her "first" time even though she's been there with me before.  She keeps forgetting that, yes, Melbas was in Surfers.  And I was even overly nice, compromising, and taking the initiative in what we should do.  I didn't want a donut, but I took the clue and asked her if she wanted lunch.

CULTURE  Again, the happiness soon died.  Her friends called and instead of staying with me, she wanted us to go with them.  I said yes even though I didn't want to, knowing she wanted to.  I was afraid at first they were "traditional" but in fact they were pretty western from living here so long and that made me at ease.  He even had a sense of humor, just like Chinese-Nick from Bathurst. Always knowing what to say and making it all a joke.  They were so nice in the car, but then Ying and the other Chinese girl started talking Cantonese in front of me, even though I was standing with Ying first, and I sulked off.  Ying didn't get it.

But eventually I talked more with the guy and Ying came around and paid more attention to me, so it was okay.

After they dropped me off (how high school it felt, being in a car with more than one person and laughing and driving), Ying emailed.  She wanted to meet for a walk.  And during that walk I told her how left out I felt.  She didn't get it ("She wanted to talk Cantonese because she's always speaking English"), but she did apologize.  I'm usually not so forward, but I'm tired of it. And at the end of the walk, she invited me to dinner for tomorrow.    

ADVICE  (Stephen Colbert, Commencement address):  "This seems like a very nice place. They have a lovely Web site. Besides, have you seen the world outside lately? They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks. My God, I couldn't wait to get here today just so I could take a breather from the real world. I don't know if they told you what's happened while you've matriculated here for the past four years. The world is waiting for you people with a club. Unprecedented changes happening in the last four years. Like globalization. We now live in a hyperconnected, global economic, outsourced society. Now there are positives and minuses here. And a positive is that globalization helps us understand and learn from otherwise foreign cultures. For example, I now know how to ask for a Happy Meal in five different languages. In Paris, I'd like a "Repas Heureux" In Madrid a "Comida Feliz" In Calcutta, a "Kushkana, hold the beef." In Tokyo, a "Happi- Shokuji " And in Berlin, I can order what is perhaps the least happy-sounding Happy Meal, a "Glückselig Mahlzeit."

Also globalization, e-mail, cell phones interconnect our nations like never before. It is possible for even the most insulated American to have friends from all over the world. For instance, I recently received an e-mail asking me to help a deposed Nigerian prince who is looking for a business partner to recuperate his fortune. Thanks to the flexibility of global banking, a Swiss bank account is ready and waiting for my share of his money. I know, because I just e-mailed him my Social Security number.

Unfortunately for you job seekers, corporations searching for a better bottom line have moved many of their operations overseas, whether it's a customer service operator, a power factory foreman, or an American flag manufacturer. They're just as likely to be found in Shanghai as Omaha. In fact, outsourcing is so easy that I had this speech today written by a young man named Panjeeb from Bangalore.

If you don't like the jokes, I assure you they were much funnier in Urdu...

And when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-porous borders. Now I know you're all going to say, "Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America." Yes, but here's the thing—it's built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it's a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spanish, the next thing you know, they'll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.

So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That's the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we'll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we're at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we'll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It's time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls. Yes, yes, I agree with me."

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-SIX

Even though I planned this all out, I still managed to miss my stop at Cavill Avenue, but later on I would find out that this was a small blessing in disguise in a way.  Walking to the bus station made my stomach sick, but I wasn't nervous, just lonely.  And as I approached the pre-planned route I found an empty bus station and it was quite nice, but it gave me the false hope that I would be one of the very few on the bus.   I was wrong, forgetting that it was a "Sydney" bus that went not only to Byron Bay, but all the way to Sydney as well.  I'm naive a lot of the time, thinking things will be better than they really are going to be.  And also vice versa.  

Waiting for the bus I was the only westerner until just a handful of Aussies and Europeans showed up.  And when the bus came, everyone jumped up, even though who arrived late, leaving me (the second person) to squeeze in somewhere in the top-middle.  

"Whoa, you're burnt!"

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-FIVE

LIFE HERE I caught Megan from the Brasserie looking back at me as she went to serve someone at the dessert counter, and sure enough she came over to ask what I wanted even though I was at the food station. Goes to show how they remember our habits so well.


I went to the immigration expo after two semesters of putting it off. I even dressed up per Stephen's suggestion regarding career appointments, and sat down on the lounge outside the princeton room. The girl kept looking back at me and finally asked, "are you here for the seminar?" To be honest I kept putting it off since I was early, still unsure, and not seeing anyone else going in. I kind of stalled, should I lie? But I ultimately didn't and she kindly instructed me to have a seat while giving me a number.

My number was called (number 2) and I approached the table with a smile to the older gentlemen of white hair an a young, blond Aussie. I don't remember if they smiled, but I said hello and introduced myself, unsure where I should sit. Was he taking care of me or her? He took over, thankfully, and I stumbled. My hands shook and my voice altered, and surprisingly the girl who sat down next to me for the blond was completely calm. Basically, he sort of calmed me. I can get a visa, but probably not right away. A few years time probably. But when it comes down to it, could I live here right away? As long as I can eventually, I guess that's okay. Gaz won't rush to get married...I don't think. And I need time back in America to sort things out. I think I need to get a job in the industry and then apply for a skilled visa. The job will give me the sufficient points.


UNI RESIDENTS After that I saw Arthur and went to say hello, which turned out wonderful. Things happen for a reason and when I went over to talk to him, it turns out he had turned in his homework on Wednesday. So we went to my bungie to work on it so I could email it to the professor. It was fun talking to him that I was giddily asking questions and talking and talking and talking. And he's American, so he completely understands. He's still a little weird, wanting to see my room, but it was fine.


Towards the end Jillian came and I looked up to her smiling. "Usually it's me sitting here!" We joked and I invited her to join in the stats fun and she declined laughing. She's much kinder to me this semester, but I don't know what changed it. In fact, she talks so much to me and smiles so much. Maybe it's the fact we're both americans?


Then there was the Malaysians who passed by and only Audrey was semi-happy to see me with "Ivette" acting her usual cold self. I now have this attitude towards them that's switched from Jillian to them, not caring if I say hi or not. Strange how life works like that. People you think are nice really aren't and people you think aren't nice really are.


Ying emailed me.

First she pushed me to email him without really saying it, without just doing it herself. Is that a Chinese thing? I know she feels like she's "bothering" professors by going during their office hours...

Then two hours she emailed this in broken English (her boyfriend must proof-read her assignments):
"want to check what's the answer for homework two, Question 2, Variance of portfolio 1?"
Me: ""Arthur and I are working on HW 2 Saturday morning at 8am, so if you like, you can look at our work when you come at 10:10am."
Ying: "that one is demonstrated yesterday at lab. either way it's ok then."
Me (pissed): "yeah, i know, but he didn't give us the answer for that one. i wrote down everything he said/did and he didn't give us that."
Ying: "confirmed. thank you. i have pb with excel.. r u very good at excel?"(She should run to her good, old buddy, May)



GROWN UP Why did I have no problem calling (again) to reconfirm my book for greyhound? Is it because I had to? Is it because it was a small thing? I don't understand why I can be socially awkward at some instances and not at others.

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-FOUR

NEW I almost backed out, but everything went surprisingly smoothly. In fact, it went too smoothly, but of course I was grateful because I was incredibly nervous. It was the kind of nervousness where I couldn't sit, my stomach felt like it was pulled out, and I started having the worst thoughts. But the bus came and I got on the right one. Then I watched the scenery, trying to remember where Hugh had taken me nine months before. It was half memory, half intuition. In fact, I only got off because the most people did at that point, and it looked like a "downtown" area after all. And I got off at the point where I had to. It all worked out.

I went straight to the beach which was already littered with surfers and tourists taking photos. In fact I was surprised even though I shouldn't have been. Mostly it was Japanese tourists and older people walking/jogging by. The sand was a beautiful off-white color and the water was pretty rough. But otherwise, nothing special.

Then I went off to find the bus station since I wanted to head straight to it on Friday morning. This is the planner in me. But on the way I looked to my left and there in a semi-alley and towards the main street was a younger guy wanking. He had to see me looking and I just had to smile. First time I've seen a guy in person wanking and it was quite the experience and story. In fact, I was amazed how thick he was and not the fact he was wanking off in plain view.

Using a map and the name of "beach road" which I found online, I found the bus station within minutes. However, I started getting scared since I didn't use map map while walking around and I should've to calm my nerves. I just happened upon it by going the opposite direction and there it was, in all its glory. It was empty, small, and I even found where the buses will be parked.

Twenty minutes later and I walked back to the bus station, guessing that it was opposite where he dropped me off (I was right). And that's when I saw an older, obvious foreign born, man come to me. I wanted to pretend not to notice, but he kept coming and asked when the bus would arrive. He was very kind and I find strangers constantly asking me directions. (At Bond- a woman for a seminar, a man for the admin, a woman for the post office, a group of NZers for princeton, five different groups for room 27, and a woman for princeton. And the woman at Newcastle airport about the bus time, and this man about the bus time for Surfers). This is a new thing I've been noticing.

The bus came and he remembered me since he had looped around according to his route. He must've thought it was funny, but I explained it was because I was just checking the place out and he took it.

On the way back, before conking/crashing, I checked my email and just happened to check the news. Heath Ledger died! I didn't believe it. I thought it was fake. Then sadness hit like when Aaliyah died and I realized how young you. No matter how young, lives are taken instantly. (In fact, I didn't even feel this way when Steve Irwin died).

BEST FRIEND I eventually crashed and woke up to see Gaz's email, which was especially giddy worthy. He was joking for the first time in a long time, so I joked back in my reply.

UNI CLASSWORK I was nervous and dreading class (yes, after three hours of sleeping), but it turned out better than I could've imagined. I arrived, found Stephen, and he talked my ear off while Ying entered the scene sulking even though I waved to her. Apparently she craves constant attention and sulked when she realized that, yes, I do have friends other than her. Even though she does it to me all the time.

Ashnita came, we said hi (minus Ying), and there we all entered into the back. Me, Ashnita, an empty seat, Stephen, an empty seat, and then Ying. 

Ying didn't sit by me, but rather Ashnita did and I was glad she did.  Soon after Mike/James (which is real?) came to sit between Ashnita and Stephen, thus starting the fun.  We were joking around, Mike girlified his graphs by coloring them on excel, and we helped each other with the problems.  Cracking jokes, laughing, fun.  And when I was stuck, without asking, James came over to help, getting close to me.  So kind.  And yes, I still have the girly crush on him. And then he asked if I did my homework and both turned to me when I said yes, because I couldn't sleep.  I told them (ash and mike/james) that I went to Surfers because I couldn't sleep while they couldn't believe it.  It was just fun.  I felt like I belonged.  Like in high school when you realize that, yes, you do have friends and they are fun ones.

YING  On the way out I stopped by Ying and she cornered for me dinner.  On the way she was upset that I had gone to Surfers, even though I had told her about it and even invited her. Why get pissed when you had the chance?

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-THREE

YING at the beginning of International Trade I found out that May had given Ying all of her old Analysis work, and Ying didn't offer it to me. May told me to just ask Ying (since it's May's materials) and that made me feel giddy, but at the same time it upset me that I'm trying to help Ying out and she didn't tell me at all.

As far as I'm concerned she's obsessed with May and is throwing me aside, but at least I don't care much. In fact, I don't want to celebrate Australia Day with her. In fact, I will go to Byron Bay and Australia Day, and send her the photos like a "this is what you missed."

UNI CLASSWORK & RESIDENTS placing that aside, International Trade was only a bit better, but that's because we're all bonding on the fact that he can't teach. I left with Ashnita who was talking to me as May caught up, and then we all got in the lift as the boys came in. So me, Ashnita, May, Mike, the two Germans, and Toby fit in. It was a wonderful feeling as we all joked and whinged. "Did he know we had an extra 30 minutes?" Ashnita asked. "I'm so glad I have an economics foundation and that he didn't teach it," May added. "Is that really our lecturer? Or is ours hiding somewhere?" James joked.

The most awkward part of today was running into Audrey in the laundry room. I blabbered on and she wasn't too excited to be talking to me, and it was a non-as-happy-see-ya. Do I care? Not really, but it feels awkward just a bit. The good part being that the more I talk to people and the more I don't care, the more outgoing I'm becoming.

LIFE HERE & LITTLE PLEASURES I discovered where our 24 hour lab is after nine months of wondering. I also found out when the immigration expo will be (now for the courage to go).

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-TWO

EMAIL I had turned my computer off, not realizing I didn't have gmail alert running once I started it back up around 8:30, just to happen to find his email. I had checked manually a few minutes before, so there I was thankfully re-checking.

I don't like how seemingly unpersonable he is. It's finally bothering me. But when I re-read his email I realized it's not that bad at all. He's mostly been like this afterall.

"Yeah, I think there's still plenty of time not to worry about Thailand and worry more on the here and now...house, job, save, etc...And I guess by the time it comes around, my six months in the house'll be up to. Looks like I'm going to have to call him some time today, damn it...oh well."

"Too hot! Poor excuse, the hotter the better...you need to go on a hot day to get the full experience (I've never actually been to Byron Bay, so I wouldn't have a clue to be honest, but it's the theory I stick to with everything, except if your going to the snow or Russia or somewhere, in which case the opposite applies)."

"Whoa! That's stupidly expensive for NZ. I guess that's a tour though right? I think it's better just holding the money and doing it all at your own pace than neading to do it with a group. It's not exactly France, so you won't have to have someone who speaks the native language carrying you around...or a phrase book or anything."

UNI CLASSWORK & RESIDENTS  I was early to Analysis and Applications, as always, and so I was there when the Norweigen came early (again).  And again, so did the Indian guy.  But prior to his arrival, I was making easy small talk with the Norweigen (the typical, do you like it?  Where have you gone? etc).  Then I asked both of them, "Are you doing anything this weekend?"  It comes easy when I feel superior (in this case, my third semester and first for them).  And again the Norweigen asked to come by to see my book and I tried to brush it off.

Sat down and Ying joined me, followed by Zala saying hello to me with loveliness (but fakenesss).  I just remember Ying surprised considering she was trying to say hello to her and she forgets I know these people.  Then Arthur, Stephen, and Ashnita all joined by to talk as Ying was excluded.  In fact, I adored it since it made me feel special.  This is considering Ying is constantly saying hello to people like she's more popular than me.

Lastly, Customer Analysis.  Ying followed me and sat next to me, while we waited for people to join.  As Ying, me, and the Columbian girl were discussing OB, Shrivang came in and I brought him into the conversation, to which we reminised on the fun group examples we did together.  

During class the best thing happened.   I volunteered and was "embarrassed" for over thirty minutes while I had to be the spokesperson for my group.  It was kind of thrilling to volunteer, something I almost never do, but at the same time I'm now embarrassed after the fact since talking like that is so unlike me.  I had to show off my newer ipod touch while Ying didn't get their humor of taking the piss out of me while I laughed and joined.  I was embarrassed, not nervous, despite my voice altering.  It actually helped I think since they know my name now, the teacher knows I participated, and I got to talk to half the class.  It should score social points.  But also the dark hair girl kept looking and smiling, even when I sat back to my side of the room.  

Ying made a comment in class how the downside of my touch is that it doesn't have a phone, to which I said in the Western way to the teacher who asked, "There's the iphone, which is exactly this but with a phone.  However, that only works in America" and I saw Shrivang agreeing with me.  So I made Ying lose face with delight.  

Before we left Ying was brave enough to ask Shrivang into our group, noticing he has good ideas.  I like her initiative, how she just goes for it.  Unfortunately I can't do that very often.

During dinner she told me how cool my itouch is and I did the American (not Aussie) thing of agreeing.  I'm tired of her thinking she's better than me.  But on the way to her place she offered to buy my economics book and I accepted to my delight, which was squashed when we ran into May and her boyfriend.  She ran to her, hugging, and locking arms and leaving me alone.  She never does this with me!  I don't get Asians or how she got so close to May in such a short period of time.

So I took the initiative and introduced myself to May's boyfriend as they ignored me.  At least into May started including me half way to Ying's apartment.

Overall, it was a day of placing Ying down and having fun.  Even if I had to go through watching her go girly-girl with May at the end.

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY-ONE

DEEP SADNESS Tiger may be passing away, and I cried over the phone, but softly. I can't be with her and I feel incredibly guilty. I feel horrible, my baby of over twenty years.

DISCOVERED Not that this is grown-up per se, but I went to talk to the front desk to ask about the reserve and discovered that it's not so bad asking for help. Don't be afraid to just ask.

Also discovered that Gaz must want what is best for me, and that's why he sacrifices his feelings so I do what I want. That must be a true friend.

UNI RESIDENTS Second time in a row I've seen Jillian and once again she's really talkative. We ran into each other and she asked how my classes are going and then told me how she's working harder this semester. Talk, talk, talk, no lag in conversation. It was actually enjoyable besides being really surprising.

YING I met for dinner with Ying who wasn't very nice or talkative or smiley. And she wasn't because, I guess, something was bothering her. So if she's like that then something's wrong?

Entry HUNDRED-SIXTY

My mind is dizzy and I have a headache, but onwards with this entry since I'm so dedicated to blogging and journaling my life despite the fact that I never look back unless there's a social emergency requiring a memory jog of some kind.

YING & GREAT PLEASURES ying invited me over to see her place and I decided to go for it the next day, calling her that next afternoon. Surprise me that I was completely nice and we didn't have a lag in conversation once the entire four hours. I must learn to be a good hostess like her; giving me water and then food to eat. The great pleasure came with how easy it was to talk and relax with her considering I haven't had that since my time with Liz. Nothing too deep or too open, but just enough to get closer. I'm still not that close to her and we still have that cultural barrier, so it takes ease.

CULTURE "Give me face," she said when telling me to finish her food. I forgot about that- I must remember face.

UNI RESIDENTS Jillian was outside smoking when I came back and we had our longest conversation yet, with her initiating. In fact, she once again introduced me to a new boy (Elliot) and it felt great. Not that we'll ever be good friends, but I do want to get closer to her.

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-NINE

YING & BEST FRIEND Ying emailed me back last night, made me thinking of Liz and how close I used to be to a female and now how much it scares me and I don't want it, and yet I do. She asked to let her know when I'd like to come see her place and go for a walk. And I can't help to think how I want to be social and yet at the same time how it's too much work for me. How I'd rather be alone and watching Weeds...unless it's with Gaz. How basically I'd do anything with him since he's just a natural part of me now. I don't want to lose the "unconditional/mutual love and trust, and being able to call someone at any time for any reason, and being able to hang out and do anything together without any awkwardness or boredom."

LIFE HERE The redhead girl? All it took was, "How are you?" added on and she perked up even more and asked about going to the pub run.

TRAVEL I decided today that I'm going to Byron Bay on Friday, with or without Ying. I can do this. When I do, it will be my first outing alone for more than two years.

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-EIGHT

UNI RESIDENTS four different people asked me where room 27 was and I didn't have an answer for any of them, making me feel bad. But all of them were nice about it.

BEST FRIEND didn't email me, second day now, but I wasn't sad. Just a LITTLE worried and wondering why. I've decided that as a goodbye present, we will both get jellyfish tattoos. maybe.

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-SEVEN

GESTURES the girl in front of me was carrying a lot and when her water bottle slipped I surprisingly said, "Got it?" to which she smiled big and thanked me for helping.

YING texted me and I knew it was her the moment I heard the ding, knowing she must want company now that she's off campus. I would've replied by my credit ran out, so I fretted about it instead.

UNI RESIDENTS I saw Victoria on the phone and would've said hi, if she hadn't been busy. Again, showing how little outgoing I'm becomming. Instead of staying put and allowing them to do the work, I'm trying to do some of it for them.

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-SIX

DISCOVERED the post office gentlemen was nice and I went to him with a clean slate, not expecting him to be not-so-lovely, and it worked. Walking back I made my first run-in with Jillian of the semester who gave me a great cheery smile and hello, as well as asking back how I was. Again, I learned not prejudge with past experiences but to start anew when there has been a break.

UNI RESIDENTS I noticed the "German" guy from marketing stalking the hallway along with me, but before I could acknowledge him, Toby (the Mexican-American) came by and said, "So Elaine said you spent break with your boyfriend." First of all, she assumed he was my boyfriend and I never told her so, neither did I contradict. Second of all, why was she telling my business when she begs me not to tell hers? I giggled and Toby said it was because he asked. Normally I would find this cute, even romantic in a way, but this is Toby...the bisexual. And so I took it as a really friendly gesture and we chatted before we made our way into the room.

Once inside I sat on the opposite side since the "German" guy sat where I wanted, and that's when May walked in. She sat right next to me, placed this permanent smile on her face, and kept talking. How easy conversation is after a semester of not seeing each other? And James, too. He walked in and I told him it was the right room, since they had changed the room numbers except that one. We laughed about it: "They changed all the buildings!" "I know, I got here and she told me I was in building 15, but I was like, 'no, I'm supposed to be in the bungalows!'" and all three of us laughed.

Sometimes it's easy to feel like you belong, if the class is small and you know the people from previous times.

Dinner, "Nothing's changed, nothing's changed," she told me when I asked for take-away. I belong here.

BEST FRIEND he emailed me back again, that day, but it wasn't what I wanted--- not that I expected it to be. In fact, I knew it wouldn't be lovely and that it would be devoid of emotion. But to his credit he wasn't any different than usual, even though sometimes he can be lovely. I just feel like I'm unwanted, not that Sam's in his life like she was before, so it must be normal.

UNI RESIDENTS 1:30am I heard banging on the walls and shouting, "Whoever is up, come drink with us! Come, have a beer with us! Whoever is up in here!" I was half asleep but very tempted to go, but at the same time scared. It's not like when I was outgoing the first time in this country when I at least had Liz to accompany me. I think that is the difference, because if I had a girlfriend to go with me, things would be better for me and more relaxing since I could rely on sticking with her while having fun and not being dependent on just myself.

Entry HUNRED-FIFTY-FIVE

UNI RESIDENTS & LIFE HERE First thing 8am on the first day of classes and I run straight into Stephen, the Aussie who cuts down Americans and yet has a strange bond. And so we chatted, or rather he talked at me, but something was a little off this time. It was like he had someone else to talk to. Or he wanted to brag, but not to me. And he was acting as if I was wasting his time in a way even though he was the one talking. Finally the end was near and he asked, "What are you doing after this?" "I don't know, going home I guess." "No, you're not" and he told me to see the career department because they offer a 100 percent guarantee job placement.

The best part of the first day is all the welcome backs from the staff. Judith remembered and welcomed me back with such excitement that it made me blush. Only downside was that when I returned an hour later with my slip, the Lakeside Grille was way too busy even though lunch didn't official start yet. The cause? Arthur and Ying says it over 300 new Americans. The bright side? They go home and May will be silent again! I was strong, staying on in the crowd and not feeling uncomfortable. I was proud.

UNI CLASSWORK [class one] last semester, the very first class, I was hit on by the German guy who kept asking me out for two weeks. So first class of the first day of the third semester, a Norwegian guy hit on me. He was not cute, extremely large nose like the German, and a dirty blond as well. His personality was 'better than you' exactly like the German- dismissing the class as too easy for him and then finding a poor excuse to get my number. He asked if he could look at a book for a class I've taken, and asked for my number. I don't like breaking hearts, so I gave it. But I inadvertently, and purposely, squashed his desires when Ashnita walked in and sat between us (thank you).

We started chatting really fast and non-stop about our break and this semester, laughing about the possibility of Stephen's shenanigans for the future sessions. That's when I said, "I went to Newcastle and Sydney, with my, you know 'boyfriend'" and we laughed. Norwegian heard, he had to of, and remained quiet. I don't expect him to call- to my joy.

I've always find that the ugly ones are attracted to me, and that's harsh, but there has to be some level of attractiveness on my part as well towards these boys. And there's not. And I also find that the "eastern" Europeans and Germans are always attracted to me. Is it my larger nose? Dark hair?

Ying walked in and somehow missed me, but I took it that she ignored me, and I felt better after Ashnita checked her lab time with me and got excited at the same slot time on our papers.

[class two] small class, half of familar faces and half of strangers. I was afraid at first because all the familar ones have seemed to be unfriendly in the past, but I had Ying there with me. And she acknowledged me when I walked in and we squished the "not seeing me" and found that it was just that- she didn't see me. Funnily enough, Arthur said the same and so it had to be true. I just find I'm cold at first because I'm uncertain how to act, and then I warm up. I did that with her, kind of cold, and then more friendly.

[CULTURE] The professor is English with a horrible posh accent, like she's turning her nose to us. If she didn't smile so much I'd think she thought she was too good for us. Every time she spoke I thought of doilies and little sandwhichs and tea in china. But on top of it, she was too boring and too full of herself, unlike Aussies. It was like having Aussie slang but with a nasty accent. Then I found happiness in thinking about how she's a prude.

Time came for a "friend" to introduce us and Ying did me. She said I was a great friend, very helpful, and very smart since I got two HDs. Aren't Chinese supposed to downplay accomplishments? She told my "secret", making me look bad, but I blushed and felt good at the kind words she was saying anyway.

I escaped at break and Ying followed behind, rushing to catch up. A first for her. We ran into Victoria who said, "You know Jen" and made me giddy because she's an upbeat Aussie who a great personality, who smiles and sees the brightside of everything. Aussies have a wonderful way of doing so. As she departed she said, "I love how much you giggle" to me.

Returning to class went so fast. The professor saw my book and asked what it was, to which the "snobby" American to my left (from marketing) and her South American friend talked to me about all the way out the door. That made me feel more comfortable in the class, knowing they didn't mind me.

YING Elaine followed me and we had dinner together right after class. It was no longer awkward to and it was like it was back to normal but with a few more acknowledgements thrown in. I told her it was good to be with her again, when in reality I was just happy to be socializing right away. She told me that we can eat together and that we can go for walks (just call). And I will, but not right away, because I like my independence and only sometimes do I like to be social. It's just her. I find her personality to be a mismatch, along with her culture. She just stares and rarely smiles. Doesn't argue. Is boring.

On the way out she was happy to hear I may try to stay (from what Stephen said earlier) and I got a great reception from the curly blond form the Brasserie with my dessert.

"We're in the same group, right?" Ying asked. See, it's unspoken that we're together.

Entry HUNDRED-FIFTY-FOUR

not afraid to talk to people this sem (robyn, indian), jennyx2
forgot room number, inter password, mail box number
bought groceres without a care
hit right away how boring away from you

GOODBYE
DEPARTURE
ARRIVAL testing

no love in card, "because i like you", no visit?

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