Tuesday, 31 July 2007
Ah, that's why. Suddenly that "icky", crampy, bloaty feeling hit and I knew I got my period, which may be a reason for my sudden emotions.
WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED: Group work here is different. Everyone has laptops, which means they are messing around on facebook and flirting on MSN than actually doing the work. Be more confident in your work. It seems like a lot of people bullshit sometimes. Start early since people will not live up to their part.
SMALL GESTURES: I smiled at a girl walking on the bridge, a pretty Asian, and she smiled back, which made me feel so good. People here are usually too rude to return a little smile.
UNI RESIDENTS and CLASSWORK: Ashnita sat by me in the tute and did small talk until I left with her saying, "rest up." I hope the sick feeling I had made me look sick and not upset with her. I told her I was sick, so that's called paranoia. Paranoia with someone I only make small talk with- why do I do that to myself?
For some reason I was sad, and it wasn't Gaz since he's been good, but maybe the fact that I want a guy here to love me. As I was leaving the tute early I ran into Andrew, but I didn't look up and acted like I was lost in my thoughts with my pencil to my mouth like a little girl.
"Jen? Jen??" Andrew asked twice since I was passed him and lost in thought. "Aren't you going to economics?" he asked me. I told him I was sick. "I hope you feel better" he said with a wave as I thanked him and left.
So does he view me as a friend?
Monday, 30 July 2007
Meeting was boring and draining me and I thought I would feel important by signing onto MSN like Andrew. However it backfired on me when Liz then signed off, apparently ignoring the fact I had signed on. I just wanted to feel better about myself after seeing Andrew receive a MSN message and mobile messages... I figure that I can try again, but I didn't want to see her in person anyway, so it's okay.
Bear emailed me! Seeing his message and name pop up during a meeting made me feel so good inside, especially after Liz ignored me. I wanted to just stare at the blue envelope in disbelief.
Paco and Andrew kept leaving on top of the fact they weren't helping at all, and so I was becoming livid at how they weren't even trying to fake it. Out of no where they suddenly had to go to class, one that all four of us (me, Joey, Paco, Andrew) had to go, but I stuck back with Joey to show Stephen that we weren't abandoning him.
At this point exhaustion. A really long meeting and now a really long seminar to which Stephen sat next to me for some reason and Chris, that's his name, came to ask for my number to copy my OB notes. An excuse to ask me out? Maybe, but I'm not into Asian guys anymore. Even more than that, I get nervous. I do. I really want a boy here, but I get so nervous and I would prefer an Australian anyway. I get their culture and I like them, not a Chinese guy.
After the seminar I fell right to sleep; exhaustion.
Hey Janice (there’s that one to),
Well, just back from my sprint to the toilet. Sigh, another ten metres and that would’ve been just a little embarrassing! Sorry about that, but it was just a little exciting. Ergh, group work, I’m so glad I don’t have group assignments. I think they were the worst part of uni (except group presentations were always easier, when you present them anyway). So I’m gradually getting my own designs down on paper, instead of having piles and piles of pictures to confuse me. So I’m looking at late August-early the month after…September. But I might lag a fair bit. Twenty days! I’m going to miss the holiday feeling (but then I’m on a kind of permanent holiday right now anyway, hah!). I think your group members just seem that way to you (I always feel like a kid around everyone else, not as smart, I’m not sure if that’s how people see me though…not all the time anyway. When people think I’m smart and switched on it just confuses me. Well today’s going to be exciting purely because I’m finally going to be able to do some real food shopping (I hope- accounts withdrawn because of the gym right now…I’m not sure if the bank fines you for that, it is only 9 dollars. Kind of seems like it’d be like taking food from someone who’s starving really- maybe a little dramatic, but…). I can stop stealing the guys’ food…for a little while (I bet they can tell anyway). Yay, poaching eggs. I only just managed to get that all worked out properly. It’s kinda tricky getting it to turn out well. Hmm, still haven’t finished that book, about an old Cuban guy catching a fish. I always get pats half way and then slow down to snail’s pace. Well, I guess I can finish it of tonight, I’ve only got about thirty pages left. Must remember to return those videos later. Oh well, I think I’ve been here long enough, they should let me go now (I have to come to the recruitment agency everyday 9-12pm. They don’t help me out here at all, but at least this way centrelink’ll keep giving me handouts). So, I’m off top the gym (I’ll have a nice break tomorrow), library, shops. See you in oh it’s around twenty three days right? Well have to see how to make Australia’s most boring city (other than Brisbane) exciting…It’s possible (treat myself to the movies tomorrow- Earthsea.
Sunday, 29 July 2007
- Well, lets see, I view you as a...well, a friend. It's not really that hard to understand right? If I repeat it 24/7 does it make it better? I've got two close friends (unfortunately not geographically, but then this never really seems to change), and the rest I like to bump in to every now and then (never get the chance though). You make up one half of the close friends. I'm tempted to move to Cuba or something and become a loner in a boat, friends are emotional (and very hard to convince I've discovered). Leaving? Guess I never like the idea of going/leaving/fairwells, I just switch off to it all, guess it's why I never know how to say goodbye. You dwell on it, I pretend there's nothing happening.
- So, stop being so PARANOID, I get the feeling your unconvincable, so I'll just let you make your mind up, I
loveyou as a friend, the other half is for you to decide I suppose.
- Don't worry about it, I'm just looking forward to a crazy time of time killing in Canberra in August, and not letting you miss doing all the stuff you planned when you have the chance (at least, at least eating salmon- you don't know how much that's been bugging me for so long).
- Pfft back out, it just makes me laugh and smile when you say stuff like that, as if I can back out, I wouldn't.
- Oh I know it's not my fault, it just gets a little strange when it's all "hey, look salmon! Hey let's get salmon, the the perfect chance. Over there, salmon, you want salmon? No? Where just going to keep going? No salmon? Oh...but you wanted salmon"...and then your unhappy because you didn't get the chance (salmon's just an example buy the way, it's not just specifically salmon).
- My old ID might still work, maybe. And Dickson! I actuallt know where that is we are definitely going there.
Big Brother 07 is ending, also known as the Aussie one, and so I'm going to force myself to get addicted to Big Brother 8 (the American one) again since I can't be home to watch my summer guilty pleasure.
This is what it's like to start over again, but with a new culture mixed in. Yes, I've done this before, but this time it's harder since I'm trapped. My best friend is a state away, this dorm is not easy to force oneself to be surrounded by people, and I didn't start with a international group like last time. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I know.
Too much alone time but at least I'm realizing what it's really like now before I'm out of uni. At least I know what it's like to live without your established friends and your family. I'm doing fine, and some days I want to cry, but otherwise I'm staying strong. I haven't left yet.
UNI CLASSWORK This is called subtle panic. Uneasiness. I've done some work on OB to try to finish it, but the presentation is starting to freak me out now. Will Steve be nicer this time? Did I do the right research?
BEST FRIEND, READING Stressed. Fat. Locked in. Bored. Same environment. So I walked to the circle, where the buses come, and then walked to the lake by the Lakeside Grille. I was sad about Gaz. Started reading Franny and Zooey again, realizing it's so much like me and Gaz. The little tiffs. Him eating Octopus. Me crying over little things. God I love that boy. I hope he emails me soon.
I'm dreaming about him, picking him up in Hopkins, and driving him home to show him how life is there. "I might stop being so self-centred and make it out to America some day not to far away…stranger things have happened (first stop Chicago/Maine somewhere?)."
CULTURE Hungry stomaches mean you'll do what you wouldn't do normally. It lead me to the Fish & Chip shop where I happily was served by two very nice and smiley high school girls. Giggling. All it takes is an opening line and a big smile from the start!
READING: Franny and Zooey
DAYS TIL CANBERRA: twenty ("That's fucking awesome!")
Saturday, 28 July 2007
Two hours until yet another long group meeting and I had a great orgasm. Afterwards I felt so good, so brilliant, so fulfilled. Then the phone rang again, twice today, and it has been randomly a few times this month. Mom's the only one with the number, so who could it be?
UNI RESIDENTS The eighteen year olds, the nickname I made for the boys in the bungalows, whom I think are all younger than me, decided to play there weekend rubgy. This time though I kept hearing the kicks and knowing what was coming only to be satisfied with loud gun-shot bangs as the ball hit my wall. I wanted to scream, "Do you suck that much, or are you aiming for my bungalow side?" An hour to my meeting I gave up as they hit it five times and I ventured to the outside. One kicked before I arrived and one said, "We weren't aiming for you," as I stared ahead and kept walking. I wanted to reply, "No, but you were aiming for the side of my bungalow, right?"
I swear, it's a song. I knew the song the bell tower of the uni was playing, but I couldn't place it. Then after ten minutes of not thinking of it, I found myself singing, "The bear went over the mountain." Where did that come from? Oh...that was the song!
UNI CLASSWORK Be late, I told myself. I paced. I can never be late. It's something in me since...forever...where I have to be extremely early. Two minutes to I walked over and I was still the second one there and I wish I had forced myself to be a bit more late like Steve (fifteen minutes) or Paco (an hour and a half).
I'm weak. I worry. I get lonely. Therefore I decided against my best judgment to email him a kind "I'm in a boring meeting" email. He told me he loves me, he's done this before with nothing wrong, but it's just that I get worried. Worried, and lonely, and I love hearing from him. It's been five days, so that's why.
My intenstines started to be gassy, so I ran to my room in the middle of the meeting to try to alleviate it, but it only worked temporarily. Is it because I'm stressed and worried? I despise my gas problems. It causes so many problems. Embarrassing and I have to miss out of things. Making noises and trying to hold it in and trying to explain it- all since I was twelve.
UNI RESIDENTS Victoria spotted us in our big windowed group room and started hiding and reappearing, smirking, and waving, just like Liz used to do to me in Hargraves. She's very playful for her age and I'm glad we're friends. I wish she was in her twenties, but oh well. She thinks of me, helps me, and calls me lovely.
LIFE HERE "Realize is the only one with a zed?" "What? I always use a S." I was right and an Aussie was wrong- how strange.
I was watching a youtube video of Big Brother UK and noticed how strange their accent sounds! What? I've been living here so long that not only is the Aussie accent "normal", but now the "normal" English accent is no more.
Friday, 27 July 2007
LIFE HERE Although I had a meeting at nine am, the sun creeped up at 6am, and I snuck down to the boardwalk with bread. I was discouraged at first to not see any ducks, but I ran into two of them before I went to turn around. I fed them until....those damn seagulls showed up and wouldn't go away. I was there to feed the ducks, not the annoying seagulls.
UNI CLASSWORK Two meetings today from nine am to three pm. I was drained, exhausted- both body and mind- and I had to pee so bad. My intestines were bloated, so it was tough sitting there for so long. My biggest hope? That I'm not embarrassed or get nervous this presentation, but it's kind of different. Except for maybe two people, I like and talk to everyone else and it's comforting. This time we will actually practice as well, so I'm thinking positively this time around.
CULTURE "Bell peppers" "Green peppers," I smirked. It was deja vu. Stephen took me to Subway and he tried to prove how much he knows his culture, like "I know Americans!," but he was too technical. He's like a Liz, explaining the culture to me, and yet I like to think I already know it pretty well. I'm proud of myself, still, but not like I was two years ago. I still like to assert that I know what I'm doing to people, so I should stop that, or find a better way. However, I found it cute, and I did blush, when Chris said "pop" as if to translate for me. I think deep down they have fun with foreigners they know the culture of.
UNI RESIDENTS Joey and I are iffy, but okay. I'm not going out of my way to talk to him, with the smiles and laugh to a minimum from both of us, and it's because of early this week when he was completely rude to me. Ashamedly, I only care because I have two subjects with him next semester.
Chris and I started off really rocky, not speaking much to each other, barely acknowledging the other's existence. "Thanks for that." "For what? I just started the powerpoint." "You were an inspiration." Why the sudden friendliness? He looked at me a lot during the meeting, wanted to know my opinion, but it did nothing for me.
BEST FRIEND Bear? This is how I see it. He said he loves me. He knows I'm coming. Pushing him only drew him closer. All is well! Pun included, don't get me started on the disappointment called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
AMERICAN HOME I think I may be losing my identity. When I get home, will I have an even worse culture shock? No Gaz. No best friend. No fun with a new life. Trying to get a job, a real grown-up job, for the first time. No assignments. Missing Australia. What will I do? I don't want a real job yet.
READING: Invisible Monsters and Franny & Zooey
DAYS TIL CANBERRA: twenty-two
1. High school lunch- Spain
2. Betty discussion volunteering-Alchemist, Frank
4. Geovanny, fourth grade continents, ninth grade gray koala, Noozles
6. Reverse culture shock->Franzi, matej, red, billy
7. Month vacation back under->first time not belong
8. Finshed bachelors->cleaned life
9. Master's->a new start, again
The traveler in the family, they call me. The one who is not happy in one place too long, always dreaming of where to go next. Mom blames herself, saying that it all started when I was just a baby. My parents were always going somewhere and taking me on vacation or a long drive for the weekend.
The year came in college when I knew I wanted to do a study abroad despite my fear of traveling alone for the first time. There I was this girl, shy as long as she could remember, socially awkward, and never been out of the country.
Getting my second acceptance letter was a little daunting considering I have this habit of putting off looking at things that may bring bad news. I figure that what I don't know can't hurt me, even though it runs though my head until it's the only thing I can think about.
Thursday, 26 July 2007
MORNING I tried staying up all night, not that I wanted to, but I knew that if I didn't then I would be sleeping when the cleaners came. A weird dream woke me up. It was someone receiving a blowjob and I'm not sure who was involved. It was odd enough to arouse me and realize it was past nine am. Twenty minutes is all it takes to get ready if I don't take a shower. That's long because I scuffled around the room looking for things I might have missed to hide from the cleaners. I can't trust them. They steal. They destroy. They barely clean.
AFTERNOON I should be outside enjoying the sun, but instead I am stuck in the library for a "group meeting" of sorts. I should be taking the walk I missed this morning by sleeping in so I can feed the ducks my old bread.
The meeting wasn't so bad. Andrew showed, sat by me again, and he asked if I was Canadian, which started the whole American thing. He was kind about it, and I hope I was as well, but I tried to assert I wasn't the "typical American". We played with Google Earth and I showed everyone the uni and where I live. It was fun...and well I love attention. I miss that about working at Target, where I always had lots of attention, from lots of people. In the end Joey and Andrew high-tailed it out there, barely without any notice, and I just shrugged it off. I used to be one of them, but for some reason I was determined to do my part for this project. Maybe it's how Stephen screwed me over in Global Business by telling me I would do half, and then doing the whole thing when it came time for it. I was red, hot, and speechless. Yet I didn't feel it until I got home an hour later and I declared to myself that I wanted to go home. Now look how strong I am! Look what you can do if you put your mind to it, the strength you can have.
EARLY EVENING There was another part to our meeting. Before I could realize what was happening, Stephen was walking toward Market Square and I was following unknowingly. I was worried, but not scared, about what to do considering I had no money and he acted too quick for me to figure out what was going to happen. He told me it was okay and paid for our meal and he could care less. Surprisingly it was easy to talk to him before we sat down to work on the highlighting for our project. We talked. On and on. His bragging slowed down. For the first time ever, he was asking questions instead of dominating the the conversation. He kind of scared me by saying that you need to be sponsored for PR, but that citizenship takes 48 hours since Australia is desperate for citizens! Then I worked on him, like Andrew, but I was more careful. I told him that I do assimilate, that I love what I do, and that I love to learn along with the travel. He told me that we (he and I) are needed by companies since we do well with change. I think he changed his mind about me, that I truly want to be here.
BOYS Are Gareth and I okay? Why is it taking him three days? I jumped on his back and shoved a knife in there, and yet he told me he loved me, and so I'm sure that if I can survive that, I can survive anything. Maybe he's just busy and those days straight of hearing from him was his down time with nothing going on. I happened to catch 11:11am that made me smile with relief, so maybe that's a sign that all is well.
READING: The Old Man and the Sea
DAYS TO CANBERRA: Twenty-three
Wednesday, 25 July 2007
Livejournal is down due to a power outage in San Fran, so I've been inspired to start a proper blog. This is where I should keep track of more of my feelings, rather than a simple "this is what I did today" kind of every-day-type of entry. This is also where I will try to develop my skills of photography.
My body ached all over when I woke up this morning- that must mean that 30min-60min walks I started a few days ago are really getting my body into shape. I don't think I'm overweight...well, slightly. My jeans aren't falling of me as much, and my belly bulges with gas, and so I'm more conscience of how I look. The fact I live in "the sunshine state" doesn't help much either, since I'm surrounded by skinny girls who wear tight clothes.
I'm a bit worried about Gaz, but not really. It's been two days and I'm only "worried" since I crave so much attention from him. He makes me so happy and he makes living here that much more enjoyable. He's there to talk to when I have a problem and he knows me better than myself at times.
I love you as a friend still makes me happy, but it has yet to give me a giggling, warm, stomach-turning, kind of feeling. I think it's the way I read it. He was being pissy in reaction to the mean stuff I had said, so I wasn't in the right mood when I read it. BUT HE FINALLY SAID IT and I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT FIRST.
My nails have grown long. As much as the food can be repetitive and sometimes not to my liking, I love the variety I've never seen since my mom only knows how to cook five dishes. This is food heaven here. This room feels more like MY room, as if I never want to leave it. The bed is so big and sturdy so my back does not hurt. I was supplied with a pale green blanket that makes me smile when I see the beautiful color. Sometimes I love to detach my laptop from my desk and just lie on my bed to start typing or surfing. And my desk. I have a big desk unlike at home!
No rain means no rainbows, and I love the rainbows so. This state is true to its motto. Regardless, I feel safe here now. I feel much better now that the semester is coming to a close. Classes are not a chore and they are actually enjoyable, since that's when I get to be sociable. I do miss boys flirting with me and even chasing me, but I guess you can't have everything. Gareth and I are much closer, I feel comfortable here, and I have class friends, so all is pretty well so far. Maybe, just maybe, things will improve next semester. Maybe boys will start chasing after me!
My semester binder is almost full and it makes me feel accomplished to open it and see all that I have learned. It is also intimidating considering finals are approaching...fast. My new moleskine planner is also starting to bulge now that I've taken to printing out Gaz's emails and pasting them on the blank pages of each week. This way I can re-read his words when I get lonely, be it in class or waiting for class.
"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention.
Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day."
To be honest, just like with "I love you", traveling to Europe in January hasn't hit me yet. Maybe because I didn't plan on it and I was never one to get excited over Europe. I'm an Asia girl, by far. But regardless, I'm happy I get to check FIVE countries off my "Countries I've visited list" and those at LEC who had "Europe!" albums and statuses can be jealous that I've gone as well, on top of currently living in Australia. I can't hide that I've always been one to brag and one-up people I don't care much for.
Reading: The Old Man and the Sea
Days til Canberra: 24