Friday, 29 February 2008


Well, Gareth must be gone. I was so nervous when I woke up at 1pm thinking that I was going to throw up. So nervous I didn't want to check my email in case he didn't reply, but I thought I'd take it slow. I woke bring it up to see if I had anything but not look who it was from. So 1 email, that's good right, because who emails me besides him? And yet, there it was, one from JESS! Augh, so I freaked out, cried, and can barely eat. I sent him another asking if he's okay, but who knows. He must be gone. Really, though, his last email didn't seem it. The only iffy part was the end where he seemed to give up if I wanted to. Otherwise it sounded like he wanted to continue on. We have plans and he said he could ask his dad for money to come up here. So what the fuck?

Apparently I need to either lay off him or let him go. At this point I'm so mad that I want to let him go. Yes, I figured out his password from what he mentioned a long time ago and I managed to get it [in case I forget: beatrix]. Wait to see what I found!:

-[to sam] miss you, love you as much as ever

-Jen ( the American friend came down, and just about burnt my brain out yet again (no surprises)

-Nothing much really going on. Had a friend down from the Gold Coast for a couple of weeks (exhausting, she's at least ten times as neurotic as me),

-I guess I'll be looking for some part time/casual work at the same time I've got my RSA, so I guess I can always look into a few bars or pubs to see what's available there. I promised Jen I'd head to Thailand in...Semptember I think it is, so I have to start saving my pennies (which I've never been able to do up until now, so it's not looking great just yet). I guess I could have said no, but emotional blackmail was involved, apparently I don't find the time to go anywhere, where as every one else does...but I kind of think it's less to do with taking the time and more to do with the lack of saving which has been deciding all of that (I'd go everywhere if I could).

But anyway, that's probably why I seemed a bit distant at christmas, Jen was staying over, and if I'm shy, then she is something else (and easily offended too, I don't know whether that's an American trait? So I was a bit concerned about what emotional beating I was going to be taking if I was gone to long...which is a bit weird because we're just friends, a fact which has been worked out well and truely by now). That and of course the tension Bron has a habit of causing, it was much easier this time around, but still a bit of snapping at each other.

-[sent to what? about me? Oh! he talked to her on the phone...]
'I don't like her...? All it is is petty fights and bitching about nothing (I have to admmit this involves the two halves), maybe it's the drink talking (evidently I'd had a drink at the time), just frustration I guess that we both want someone, but we honestly know that it's definitely neither of us (atleast I hope she does...hmm, but then I've explained it enough...I think?). I'm not sure I even like her at all, but I can't tell her anything like that...the biscuits worked by the way...I think I'm more than just a bit of a wanker' feels weird reading it afterwards.

-It'll always be a fight just to stay friends with Jen, that's just the way it is (the positive I can take out of it is we're not around each other much). Things will never 'turn out' anymore than they ever have before. Apparently I snore most greatest fears aleays come true!

Thursday, 28 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS Arthur does have a learning disability, but I don't know what it is, or if it effects his thinking. Because we ran into each other at 7:30am and he just stared at me opened mouth when I said that I had been up the whole night. "How are we going to do stats?" he asked. How weird of a question is that? What does it matter? In fact, when we got to the library at 8am, I was the only one doing the work! Three hours of stats in the library and I was doing the work.

I kind of got snarky to him in a nice way. He wants to move here and yet he admitted himself that he doesn't love and know the culture. Then why do it, asshole? You people make me sick. And here I love it and know it so well and they're giving me a hard time!

Twelve pm was my marketing meeting. Waiting outside a very happy Ines came out and we were easily talking before a smiling Shivang came. After which Ying was walking up the steps, coming closer, and we got ready to meet her but then she passed us. "Is she for real? Was that serious?" Ying asked. Shivang went after her-- how could she miss the three of us?

YING We sat at the picnic bench aside the main walkway and the sub-walkway between IT and the Uni building. And while I tried acting natural in front of Ying it was hard since she didn't talk, not giving me the chance to look at her. And she was quiet and she didn't make sense while Ines made, "What the hell?" faces behind her back. But Ying then got upset at us all (or me since I've been ignoring her the past two weeks) and told me exactly what to write in the email before leaving mid-sentence while Ines was talking. We all laughed and she had to heard. What the fuck?

But after she left we were talking for thirty minutes non-stop about fun stuff, laughing loudly, and just joking. See what happens when you cut out the person with no personality? And Ines' birthday's in March and she invited me and Shivang.

Basically it's the most fun I've had here in a while.

BEST FRIEND Bear still hasn't emailed me back. If he doesn't tomorrow, on Friday, then something's up. Then I have to email him. I'm pretty calm considering actually. On the way over this morning I realized that if he was upset at me, then he wouldn't have replied to the first email, right?

Wednesday, 27 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS Arthur and I worked together as planned, however, we were both being iffy for no reason (me because of PMS). He called and woke me up, I ran over to meet him, and when I got there he was complaining about the uncomfortable chairs even though he chose to be there. So, of course, he loves to be in my bungie and wanted to stay there. But working together didn't help as I didn't understand, neither did he, and he left to go talk to Kauldeep. I thought he wanted me to come, you know since we were working on it together, but he went off on his own.

Three hours later after sleeping I got a call from Stephen and here Arthur figured it out in the library and he wanted me to come over and copy his work. I thought he was purposely abandoning me when here that wasn't the case. And what I found out is that Ying has been copying May's work and not sharing with me, and she didn't even want to tell Arthur & Stephen that. She's a tricky, sneaky, unlikeable girl.

YING The two guys and I walked over of course to go to class when we were standing there and Ying comes around with this big smile on her face, after Mike arrived, and I ignored her. She ignores me, I ignore her. And I do not forget her hurting me on Valentine's Day when she ignored me when I told her I won the Top Class award. So when she came, thankfully, the classroom just opened up and I went inside.

UNI CLASSWORK Class was kind of uneventful even though Ash sat next to me, but we weren't fooling around and joking as much as I was copying homework and she was on facebook. But at the end I went to Arthur to return his homework and I sat down to talk to him meanwhile. Ash came over and said goodbye and I wished her luck in Brissy. And off I went without having to deal with Ying. I love that.

BEST FRIEND Gaz hasn't emailed me back from yesterday's email I replied to. I'm not worried so much
yet, but I am anxious about it. This is my best friend. No matter what I can't lose him. That'd be crushing basically. But really, didn't his email just act like "I fucked up" and now he understands if I'm upset? Not that he doesn't want to stick with it? We'll see. If he doesn't reply in a week, then I'll send off a thank you and best luck email after I hack into his account. Oooh, sneaky, haven't done that in months and months.

Okay thinking about it, what is bugging me is this: usually when he fucks up he apologizes or acts different and doesn't say anything about giving me the option to leave. Usually he tells me he cares about me. This time he didn't and he mentioned that I could leave. Is that because this is a valid fuck up on his part? And he thinks I'm pissed?

Tuesday, 26 February 2008


During my tutorial I started crying after thinking of Gaz's email. Why so cold? Why mention how he should be in contact more and yet he doesn't? But meanwhile Arthur came by to visit, just an excuse of returning my calcultor, since he gets bored and wants to be social. It was actually a nice distraction from my midterm and didn't want him to leave, actually. Regardless, after he did, I emailed Gaz at 2pm:

I will write a proper email later (I'm rushing to study this international trade stuff for tonight), but out of curiousity, why haven't you come seen me? You mentioned not calling more (but you don't call at all...) and not messaging more, then you mentioned that all of that is not being enough compared to seeing me. I guess I've been telling myself that $98AU return is a lot of money for you, but I've been here for ten months in which you could've saved during.

Not a major issue, but I am only here for six months and I don't know if I'll ever be back considering your government makes immigration tough for non-Brits.

And I did try calling, by the way, if your phone says so.

But now I'm off to study and deal with this defer issue (she said no AGAIN, so another tactic must be used).

Three and a half hours later he replied:

I could write a page of how hard it is to get around. But your right, when you think about it I could have easily saved up enough money here and there by now. But I haven't, and I could blame that on a bunch of other things (So being what?), but that's not going to get me anywhere or change anything. I haven't called my Dad for a while, and I'm sure I've got a break in the not to distant future so there's an option (he thought of an option). I wouldn't hold my breathe getting a job (at the moment I've got a feeling that'd mean going to Sydney and not Newcastle, which'd also mean dropping out of yet another course. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get to the end though, the way things feel. But I'd feel like dying if a stuffed up again). To be honest right now I'm worried about failing with the whole thailand thing (he mentioned it!), if I find a job and the course get in the way (but poor excuse), then it's good-bye TAFE! (talking to the psychologist today, he seems to think I'm not eligable for study allowance, and I can't get jobsearch allowance because I'm works the only option). I do want to get to America one day (For me or to travel?), but if I'm realistic, I'll be an older man before I can afford just to get there, I think I've hit the point where travelling has become a retirement dream (unless I go for broke right now, and die young! Which is a plan). By the looks of it I'm not actually going to be able to afford to get to Sydney anyway. I'm not going to read over the email to check for mistakes or bad wording because I'll just be tempted to delete it all or reword it to avoid things (?). Bye the way, while it's popped into my head, my phones been broken for months, I haven't been able to do anything about it, which makes me wonder how many important unread messages or missed calls I have on that thing. But the gist is, if you feel like it's the best thing for you to call it quits and move on, that I'm not worth the energy put in for what you get in return then I'll I can accept that (He thinks I want to?). As you know, I'm pretty solitary by nature (although it'd make it pretty damn solitary- although...not much more when I think about it) so it'd be kind of per-usual (sorry to get all shitty just at the end to!) (So does he want me to or does he think I want to leave?).

Good luck with the study (urgh pain),


PS keep bugging them with the going home issue...the whole world can't be arseholes (So he said the last two which were nice as well).

So, good or bad? I sent him a VERY nice email asking him if we could just talk on the phone. I'll wait to see his response. And so I'm sad but at the same time I don't care. I mean I will down the road when I have no one to talk to, but when I'm back in America, he'll be exactly like a penpal really.

Meanwhile, before I sent the reply and after I got his, Ashnita nicely distracted me by coming over while we were waiting for the exam. She might be popular, but she still sticks with me. After she came the South African whose name I don't know came and we were making nice chit chat. He had guts to join after Ash and I were together. But really, then the German (cute, nice one) came and he had even more guts. We all kept it going but it was still like we were testing the waters with the two guys joining us and not sure what to say. Good thing is, we're all in International Financial Management together next semester.

Best part was that night when I went to dinner out of the blue, after deciding earlier that I wouldn't bother, and Mike coming right up to me and asking about the exam with that gorgeous smile of his. He stuck around and talked and then off, placing this massive smile on my face.

Sunday, 24 February 2008


Nothing but studying.  Fun!

But Gaz did email me awfully fast, compared to what he usually does, so that made me night until I realized that he barely mentioned me not being able to go home (my second mention, at least) and how I don't want to bother staying anymore.

Saturday, 23 February 2008


I totally forgot about this thing for today.

Bear emailed me; made me happy. Good thing I didn't go spastic on him, because he accidentally saved the email instead of sending it, and was worried why I wasn't emailing him! Most important part of the email? He asked if there was anything he could do. HOW FUCKING SWEET IS THAT???

And Ying messaged to check on me. Is she trying to be good friends again?

Friday, 22 February 2008


Miss Malaysian #2 (the "ivette" one) has her boyfriend over again for like the fifth time.  And it got me thinking now that Gaz hasn't emailed for a week-- do I really want him to since it's been a year and he's never visited me?  How unfair is that?  And I've told him this before over Christmas time while we were in the kitchen and I was staring at the pond.  He came over to check on me and asked if I was okay, and I told him no, and that's where it gets hazy.  I think I told him that it's not rally friendship if I'm always coming to him and he doesn't to me.  And I think he said it's because he can't afford it and he wanted to and tried.  Something about me being sad up here and wanting to visit me?  I think, who knows.  And I do know at one time he emailed how much he saw the Gold Coast for and how he wanted to come up.

I don't think he's my best friend any more, meaning I don't even have one any more.  

In a little happier news, the woman in the Cashiers office was really kind and happy and smiling.  She made me feel happy considering I haven't heard from Gaz in a week.  It's not too hard to get what you want, as long as you know some how to get it or how to start.  Unlike how I didn't know how to get the dean to accept my pending deferred application.  Mom was able to get contacts to do it.  I would never be able to do that.

Thursday, 21 February 2008


First class the South African turned New Zealander turned Aussie came the same I did. So for a good ten minutes our conversation just flowed until Toby, May, and the German arrived at the same time to interrupt. But see how easy it is with some people? Finally Ash arrived and sat behind us, to which I turned and smiled because I didn't see her come in. It's just too enjoyable; I love it.

At the end I had to wait 15 minutes before the Brasserie opened and May was there standing by me asking what I was up to. Seeing as she had to wait half an hour, she told me to sit in the classroom with her. We ended up not studying but talking about Ying's mood changes. I told her how she just said "oh" after I announced winning an award. How it's difficult not to piss her off, and May agrees. So is it me? May? Both? Everyone causing it? What did she tell May? Either way, May wants to help too, so maybe I'm not causing Ying's bitchiness. And May's bringing me her stats project, instead of Ying, so that made me pretty happy actually.

See how people will help? It pays to befriend.

DEEP SADNESS Gaz doesn't care enough about me to write more than once a week now. He must be too "busy" to write not that he has classes a total of three whopping times a week. Oh, and I fucked my parents out of $2,000 while not even being able to come home on top of it. Yeah, life's good. I've been crying non-stop.

Then mom called again after she was supposed to go to bed. Apparently she talked to the same Jodie person and told her that I'm so upset that I don't want to come back to this uni (so true) and Jodie gave us one more try with a different person. Will it be accepted? Don't know. Kind of mean to give hope, really.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008


Ines and I met at 10am to get the appointment over with and just as we met, it started to rain, so she drove us over there. It was kind of scary going in and she was hesitant as were I, but she did it again. And this time when the manager came he was nice, but not overly friendly. So Ines started with, "We are from Bond university and we are doing a research project. We would like to do it on Dan Murphy's and last week we spoke to Reuben." But this time she kept looking at me for help and because I wasn't in the spotlight I was able to think straight. I convinced him that the main point was interviewing a manager, not interviewing customers like Ines mentioned. I told him Bond students who shop there instead. But I was so proud at how she did. At the end he was much friendlier and laughing.

So hopefully we hear back this time. Again, easy to talk, but it kind of went flat at the end. Despite that, she invited me up for coffee but I denied nicely. It would still make me feel weird and I wasn't sure if she was just doing it to be nice.

Shivang didn't want to work, as usual, pissing me off but I didn't show it. I texted him how Ines and I went, he didn't have to do that, but then he was too busy to help until 4pm. Six hours and can't work till 4pm? So whatever, I did it on my own, just fudging it.

Finally the tutorial. Ashnita came in and sat where she always does by me and then the fun started. She asked if I'm going to postgrad drinks, since I think she wants to be social with me, and I told her I would (in all honesty). But towards the end I was having fun with our excel worksheets. "Like my colour choices?" And she was joking how it was a real feminine touch and she'll hire me to do her excel projects. That made me feel hot with laughing. However, the real thing was when she remembered my dilemma with my plane tickets and cared enough! Sign of a friend, right?

Afterwards she wanted to walk out with me and offered to drive me home. Easy talking again. Lots of laughing and she remembered I'm in the bungies. It's all good.

I had a weird feeling yesterday about how long it's been since Ying's dropped by and she did today. What coincidence? After class I walked out with Ash since Ying takes too long and I don't play games any more. And since I did that, she came by and asked where I was. She's paranoid. And I told her about Ash and she laughed. Didn't seem offended. But then she was telling me about Toby and how he's friends with everyone in our marketing class. (Yeah, so?). Apparently she's hurt by that, that she wasn't included. And I told her how people who start a semester cling together, just like me with the May people. So of course she didn't like that, but tough. I don't sugar coat any more. She's lost my sympathy. So with Ash driving me home, me going with Ines this morning, her knowing I stick with May semester people, and me saying hi to a roomie and a roomie's friend, she didn't seem happy. That makes me happy, as evil as that is. Or I'm just imagining it, but am I? She left awfully early after I told her about the semester sticking together situation. Ah, damn, ha.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008


It's been so hectic that I can't think. In fact, right now I feel so weird just journaling, as if I'm talking to myself, and being a loner. Well I just finished running around and having to deal with bitchy Aussie women up the ass, so it's been fun.

But first, class. I sat in the way back out of gas problems, and Toby, Mike, May, and Ash were all commenting on that. First I talked to the NZ while we waited for everyone to show up (they were late), and then May came in to comment how I was sitting in the back. She's so fake, but a fake-nice. She said she felt lonely and made a sad face. Toby was next and he asked the same. Next Mike, and the same yet again. I asked him, "How'd you go with stats?" Notice how I said it the Aussie way? And we were talking about that, because I'm trying to be more sociable and more sociable with him at least. Finally Ash who said the same, and then sat with me. It was just an overall social time and I had fun with it.

And finally, today was a big lesson in tolerance. These aussie women are so bitchy and I need to re-learn to not be nice in return, to not act shy like I do. First the career woman. The lady who gave me the appointment was nice, but not this Amy girl. She asked if I was Canadian and I said no, American. Then she forgot and called me Canadian again. It seemed like a fake nice throughout, not too bad, but at the end she just sort of dismissed me by looking at the computer after saying goodbye. Maybe I look too much into things.

Then the so-called really nice woman mom spoke to in the business faculty. She came out, I smiled, and she didn't. Then she was coldish, not too bad, but then at the end she seemed to brighten a little. "So I can beg them," she said nicely.

I think I expect too much. I expect them to be nice. Maybe I'm too nice, didn't professor asshole say that's a downfall and then they feel more powerful?

Monday, 18 February 2008


Where do I begin? Before the exam I was pretty relaxed considering it was my midterm. I had studied a lot and I felt like I knew it (basically understood it to the best of my ability), and then class came when I went up there and Ash called my name. We were joking and talking when I turned around and noticed Ines. So she joined in and I felt great. It was kind of weird knowing the Norwegian was watching from afar, since I saw him out of the corner of my eye, but it kind of made me feel important to. I worked at this for three semesters, so I deserve some friends.

Once in we did our little corner deal and Mike sat by me this time, flashing that flirty smile of his. He was nervous since he didn't study enough and I could tell, but I also felt bad even though it was his own fault.

Ash finished shortly after me and I knew she was coming, so I hung back. But while we were chatting Ines walked out. So there we were, three girls, just chatting and Ines joined in as if she knew Ash. But it just seemed natural. And fun to be honest.

Ines invited me to coffee, which surprised me, considering we aren't at the "friend" stage yet. We are, but only inside the class, therefore anything outside of the class was a great start. Ines is one of those cool girls who don't know it yet, because they are just starting there yet and don't know enough people. The thing with her is how easy it is to talk. That I don't have to think enough and she's nice like me, with smiling and laughing and just agreeing. With Ying, she constantly disagrees and barely smiles.

So we sat there talking of introductions of sort, but not in the sense where it was dry and boring. It just flowed. She sat across from me and out towards the lake while she ate, and the time just passed so quickly.

On the way back to go to consumer analysis we ran into the two south americans and the canadian, all smoking, and sort of making it a community feeling even though they are nice but not overly friendly.

Ying somehow knew that I went somewhere and when I told her I had coffee with Ines, she seemed a little surprised. I was myself. Usually I'm not that sociable with new people. And during class, Miss Prude-Brit-Bitch called on me twice even though I was trying to answered, had already answered once, and was constantly listening.

Arthur came to visit, which he does several times a week now. And each time it's enjoyable.

And I had two good hiccups, but no email. Friday probably.

Sunday, 17 February 2008


She took charge, which was amazing really, as an undergrad. We had to interview a manager and she went to him after some hesitation and I'm embarassed to say I was too scared. So she told him, "Hi, we're from Bond University. We are doing a research project and would like to do it on Dan Murphy's. Is there someone we could speak to about it?" That simple. Why can't I do that? And then the Indian was doing the business thing by looking at his name tag, shaking his hand, and thanking him personally.

Live and learn.

But of course Ying had to be the pain in the ass. "What are we doing?" "What are we going to ask him?" "We're not prepared." We kept telling her that we only needed permission but she kept insisting that we had to interview him. What doesn't she get? She just doesn't have common sense. Or at least Western common sense.

I was very sociable with Ines and Shivang and that felt great, because I didn't have to talk to Ying. She held back mostly by herself, not saying much. And yes, I'm a bitch. But then she had to say, "I tell you good news. I go back to China." "Oh, like me." (I mean come on, she copied considering she was going to stay here until she found out I'm going home). Then Shivang said something and we went talking and I ignored her. Really, does she expect me to talk to her after what she did to me? After insulting me? No.

Best part was Ines. She wants to go to postgrad drinks with us since she's a newly postgrad and her friends have left.

And so thankfully that was that and we got our contact and all is great with the world.

Oh, and not to forget Toby. I saw him while waiting at the library and he waved and he sat to talk to me. I'm enjoying his company a lot.

Dinner is pretty socializing at times and today was no exception. I smiled and that made him smile, so that must be the trick. And so there Mike and I was talking to over five minutes, maybe ten, when I asked just as he was about stats. He's also so funny and he laughed so loud when I said, "And I even wrote on there, 'don't forget to draw your picture!'" And he said see ya happily and I just enjoy talking to him so much.

Saturday, 16 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS Before I go into the boring of a day today was (other than I'm proud at how much I studied), I want to go back and re-look at things I've missed. First of all, Jillian said this to me on Valentine's day which I thought was really sweet: "I saw you all dressed up in the brasserie" and we were talking and joking together while her friend smiled. I said "see ya" and she told me to have a nice day. So maybe she's not as snobby as I thought? Maybe she thought I was snobby? Not sure, but something did a 360 this semester.

But also, if I didn't write it, there was the day that started the Jill-ness really. I heard a scream and walked out for lunch to find all her friends there crowding the way. They said hello (first shock), said they were sorry (second), then Jill said she liked my shirt (third), and the previously "mean" girl told another to move out of my way (final shock).

CULTURE Then I saw this cultural thing later that same day: The Chinese non-stop joke with *each other* and laugh and tease and touch each other. But the greatest thing? I didn't want to go for sushi and I didn't want for Ying to miraculously meet her friend by chance, but I found $20 on the way home. The third time, too. The first was $10 while I took a bathroom stall after a Japanese girl in Byron Bay. The second was $5 that dropped from Jillian's bag. Yeah, I took it. Ugh.

YING So I think I've figured it out about what bothers me about the short, Chinese girl I know as Ying. Simply stated, she has no opinions of her own. She decided she was homesick when I said I was last semester. She decided to go into international business because I am, along with the other smart individuals in my degree. She decided she was fat because I went on a diet. She decided that the best way to exercise is to do "small things like sit-ups" after I told her that weeks ago. She can't think for herself. She thinks what others think.

But there's also the Chinese culture. This is where I'm mixed. She'll tell me her accomplishments, and yet she hates it when I accomplish something (she goes silent and ignores me). Hmm.

CULTURE But aren't I here to learn cultures and how to deal with them? Didn't I get the highest grade for Intercultural Communication? And yet I can't stand her culture. She's nearly impossible to deal with. It seems like I can only do wrong because I'm trying to assimilate with her when she won't with westerners.

EMAIL I felt good this morning waking up to emails from Betty, Mary Rose, and Arthur making me feel I had some love. Yes, me and Betty are talking again every since Grandpa called her by accident when he used my cell, making her think I cared, and she told me she still did. So here we are, talking like nothing happened. It's surprisingly easy. In fact, why did we stop talking? Just because of Franzi?

Friday, 15 February 2008


"Are you laughing, Jen?" The blond who barely sees me knows my name? What?! So that made my day in the brasserie.

EMAIL I almost forgot that he finally emailed me after five days. I woke up at 10am, checked the email, saw none, went to the bathroom, and returned to find it. I checked out of sadness, then saw it, not believing it to be him, and it was. I had no feeling. In fact, I was angry at first. No valentine's day? Nothing about my email? But it was long. And he said this, "Hope uni life isn't to stressful just right now (and all the rest of the time too). Gave [sic] a root beer and apple turn over for me. I'll have a hot chocolate (tea?)." Hmm? "Gave a root beer and apple turn over for me" means that I should "have" a root beer and apple turn over for myself for him? As in he knows me and what will make me feel better? Not sure, but seems likely since he added, "I'll have" at the end. Regardless he finally spoke of me and how I'm doing here at least.

DISCOVERED I picked up my award this morning, thinking that this must be what it's like walking into an unknown building and then trying to find the office for an interview. Because I was only semi-familiar with the building and unlike yesterday when I tried frantically to search for it, I walked through knowing I was allowed in there. So I searched around and finally found her office, she was nice enough, too. I always do this thing when I get nervous where I starting babbling and laughing and not giving eye contact. I must stop that.

YING May's right, Ying is pushing us away and then getting angry when we react. She wanted to meet for sushi, and there I was being yelled at and controlled by the Koreans. No, I don't like to be pushed to decide NOW and no, I don't like to be controlled. No wonder Ying goes up to westerner counters and demands service. Anyway, when we sat down I knew this would be difficult. She started talking about Helen, easy enough. But she was being cold and staring at my lips, which I covered up in an obvious way. She really has to non-stop stare? Maybe that's what pushed her over the edge? Then I smiled and looked down bashfully and told her that I won the top class award like Arthur, and only found out yesterday, so I didn't get to go to the ceremony. She didn't say anything but stare and say, "uh-huh." Cultural thing? Not like boasting? Tough shit, you do your cultural thing to me all the time. But she seems hurt by valentine's day, maybe because I didn't wish her one, even though she barely knew what was going on (only because her boyfriend told her that in the U.S. we do it even for friends).

I ended up saying, "Well, I have to go call my mom about my award since no one is congratulating me and I feel like crap" and walked away. Do I care? Honestly, no.

Dinner came and I didn't tell the redhead that I wanted take-away considering everyone else remembers, but she didn't. Meh, doesn't mean anything other than that's why I used to say it all the time. On the way back I ran into the bungie 2 guy again, the one I see at least one a week, and he literally waved again. Maybe, you know?

Later Arthur came to visit again to talk. I love when he does!


Thursday, 14 February 2008


Carrier: United States Postal Service
Tracking #: EE963354565US
Status: We attempted to deliver your item in AUSTRALIA at 12:14 pm on February 12, 2008.
Details: At Foreign Delivery Unit, February 12, 2008, 6:47 am, AUSTRALIA
Out of Foreign Customs, February 11, 2008, 11:38 pm, AUSTRALIA
Into Foreign Customs, February 10, 2008, 12:33 pm, AUSTRALIA
Arrived Abroad, February 10, 2008, 12:32 pm, AUSTRALIA
International Dispatch, February 07, 2008, 8:28 pm, O'HARE APT/CHICAGO
Processed, February 07, 2008, 8:27 pm, CHICAGO, IL 60666
Processed, February 06, 2008, 3:38 pm, KANSAS CITY, MO 64121
Electronic Shipping Info Received, February 06, 2008

{I bothered with this to show what great lengths a package gores through and why it takes so long for stuff to get here}

DREAMS I dreamt that I was taking a bus home, and had asked the driver what bus to take, but got on his bus even though it was wrong. And I was too scared to get off so I was stuck on there, but somehow I ended up near Jeremy. Remember Eric Arko from junior high? We were at his house when I realized I could just walk home. So I did.

Ah, but it's Valentine's Day.

Waiting for class Toby came by and said, "What a great picture" and I had to smile because his happy attitude is always warming. Yes, when Ying's not around I don't mind him. And he joined me to talk in which was really easy to do for some reason. Then the two South Americans came, and Johanna came to talk, but only about class, and that was that. Even though Toby was talking to them he tried a couple of times to include me. I thought that was sweet when most people won't do that.

The Ying came and we figured out that we both have class at the same time and next door to each other, but luckily Ash came to save the day since I don't like being stuck with Ying any more. And when we walked into the room she told me to sit in the back with her, which I did. It was funny because usually Toby, May, and I sit in the back and when those two came in they sat with me, realizing each would be alone. And so it looked like we were joining forces against him, the professor who can't teach. But it wasn't meant that way.

He let us out half an hour early and I stood there while Ash and May came out. We were chatting and doing girly things just laughing, but they talked too much for me. I couldn't get much in and felt left out even though they joined me and didn't mean to do so. May's just that fake that she has to be the center of attention. And she's socially strong. And I could tell that they were sneaking stares at my upperlip and of course I did the bashful looking down habit I've developed in response last year.

Ash wished us a happy valentine's day and I took a chance I asked Toby, "Can I watch since I have an hour to kill?" once I realized they were in the room still. And so May had to join. And in doing so she had to ask about Ying with concern, but agrees that she's bitchy and we have to stay away with her at times. So it's not just me.

After Toby finished and was going to leave, the fun started. He made a comment about being gay and May asked, "Are you gay?" Well, to me as a western, it was obvious. But then she was asking rude questions: what makes you gay? how'd you know you were gay? are you shunned back home? I backed him up, feeling awkward for him, but he did well considering he barely knows us. "No wonder you act like that!" May actually told him! Ugh.

Group meeting was next at 12pm. Ying was already there and I walked up with May, someone she fought with, but they played fake and nice and hugging despite Ying going off on May's boyfriend for no reason. And the three of us stood there talking until Ines, from our CA group came, and surprisingly it was easy to talk to her as well. Since I am terrible at socializing. But the fun part was seeing Joey for the first time since last semester and him waving with that huge grin he always gives me.

The meeting went faster than I thought and easier since ideas do come best in groups and so we were out of there quickly. When I went for lunch the dirty blond was nice and remembered me, which of course made me happy.

Maybe I'm easily pleased.

Maybe I'm that socially deprived.

DEEP SADNESS well, he's officially an asshole. I was thinking, hmm, it's been four days, so he'll email on valentine's day! But nope, none. So, he can go fuck himself. First over four days since an email and now he doesn't even extend the friendship on v-day like last year. Maybe he's talking to Sam. Maybe he met a girl. Maybe he realized he's gay. Or maybe he was offended by my inoffensive email. Yes it's sad and I started BARELY crying once it reached the passing point, but I'm so used to him disappointing me that I'm not that sad. I don't cry really. I don't stop eating and not sleep. I'm fine basically. That's how much out of love I am with him. That's how badly he hurts me. And it makes me think, do I really want to stay here for an asshole? Nope.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008


DREAMS I had this dream where Ying was helping me, but as we went to get food she was made fun of by a group of female Aussies. And me feeling like I can confront them since they're Aussies, asked, "Did you just make fun of her?" after Ying let the Aussie girl have 20 cents. After that I ran into an Aussie with pink jeans who made fun of me, just as a security guard came by who took care of it. Then I finally ran into Shivang who worked at an ice cream shop and let me have some. We finally all met together and had fun sitting on a curb and talking.


UNI CLASSWORK & BEST FRIEND Stressed over midterms, even though this is my third semester going in, and yet I'm stressing again. Although it may be because this is my first time have three midterms at once. Add on the fact that asshole hasn't emailed me, it kind of makes my mind race. I can't concentrate. Which is odd, because is he being mean or waiting for Valentine's Day? Last year he wished me one, so who knows.

UNI CLASSWORK My only tutorial of the day was Analysis which I actually look forward to because it's always fun and easy enough. It's socializing and being able to relax since he doesn't ask any questions and we hide behind a computer.

UNI RESIDENTS Waiting there was Ashnita who came to join but didn't stand too close, and we made easily enough small talk but her answers are always quick and simple as if she has better things to do. She doesn't mean harm by it, but that's just the way she is. And after we tried for five minutes Rosa joined as always.

Once inside Ash and I sat together as always and the class started and ended after an hour. Ash and I talked about the wonders of Gmail and she told me to wait for her as I got ready, this being the first. And once out she told me she'd walk with me. I joked with her, "Ashnita! You drove?" since she lives right off campus. We're getting closer in other words.

YING I felt guilty for taking Ash over Ying, so I went back on the premise that I "forgot something" and Ying was excited because she thought I left (which I had). The guilt got me. So we went to dinner together and of course we ran into Toby as always, who asked again, "Are you guys staying here?" No, we never do. Take-away is the way to go.

Must note that I made a breakthrough with the grumpy surfer Aussie that's been here for two semesters that I know of. He's always grumpy, doesn't smile, and only cares about girls he likes. So he asked first, "Take-away?" and I joked, "How'd you know?" while he kind of went, "duh" in his look and I pressed on happily, "With so many people I thought you guys wouldn't. But you always do" and he smiled! Just like with Gaz and with Dale, I love grumpy guys who need some work.

Ying, even though she knows I hate fucking populated areas, made me sit outside the Bra to eat. But happiness came, meanly, from the fact that her "outspokenness" once again got her in trouble. Her problem is that she has issues with the wrong things. She's made that May's boyfriend is trying to sell the place even though it's theirs and they have every right to bring people in. So now May is mad at her and likewise, which means the whole "happy friends" is over and I don't have to deal with Ying going, "MAY!" and hugging her while giggling.

After dinner we went for a walk and encountered Jill who was kind and ready with "Good" before I asked. The kindness is what matters.

LITTLE PLEASURES But the surprise of the day had to be Arthur stopping by to visit on the way home. I love talking to him since it's easy and he's American. He's the only American I get to talk to at this uni, so it's always proud and homewarming.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS I woke up only thirty minutes before my class, even though I had ten hours of sleep. How could I not hear two different alarms?? I got ready just a bit scared but at the same time not caring much since I always stress, only to arrive and be the second person in the room. Living on campus does have its benefits. And when May came in we spoke easily enough, no tension or pauses, except when I got back from break Mike was rude by not moving his legs spread across the hall while talking to Ashnita. Yes it hurts when he doesn't give me attention. But from there after class I just left out of sadness, and May said goodbye first, and off I went for lunch.

BEST FRIEND No word for Gaz. Yes, pissing me off for reason. Granted he's back to his couple/few days between deal, but I think it's the fact that he should've told me how his first day of TAFE went. Notice how I care less and less for him each day, each time.

Monday, 11 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS I was sitting there with my PDA with a hunch that the creepy Norwegian that tried twice to ask me out had just arrived when Stephen and Arthur could be heard approaching. And when they did I stood up but they continued talking, which thankfully Rosa came to talk to me meanwhile. Stephen was talking Arthur's ear off as I entered and we went to our usual spot. Stephen was being pissy, so I have to start leaving him alone. Bad day? Me? Who cares. Thankfully Mike arrived and smiled and Ashnita joined as always. Throughout class Ash and I made jokes and talked and smirked and tried to help each other out. At the end Ash purposely waited for me and we talked as we went along, me leaving behind Ying who was holding back. Meh.

ADVICE do not prejudge. do not let your emotions get in the way. Yes, Ines didn't show up, but her reason was real and you shoudn't be pissy.

Turns out she was nicer and apologized for not being there during the presentation. She is nice I guess, unless this is an act.

Ying had dinner with me as always, which for some reason lead to her taking me to her place to just sit and talk. Mind you again she was arguing about Gaz, how that it will be okay even though I know that. She pushes. Just like when we were in class and she told me I need sleep and that I need to do something about it even though I repeatedly told her my mom's a nurse and she said medication is not good. That I know my body, not her. She means well but comes across as bitchy and pushy. She's always right, not me.

And why does she always undress in front of me?

Best part of the day was going back to the bungie and running into Jill who said Hi first and wanted to talk even though she had friends there. She was being really nice.
"How are ya?"
"Great actually"
"Yeah, five hours of class finally over!"
Then she brought her friends into and it and kept talking but I had to say see ya and she said bye. I wanted to be social but I don't want to push it with her. As if she might not necessarily mean it. But also that I'm afraid.

AMERICAN HOME Mom called; Jess is actually excited I'm coming home and it turns out she's grown up finally. Her angsty teen days are apparently over. That really surprises me and weirdly excites me. I guess she wants to travel with me. But also: Mike wants me to talk to Dani about college and Dr. Urban wants me to talk to her son about international business. It makes me feel important. And here's Mike who gave me advice and now he wants me to pass it on for him.

Sunday, 10 February 2008


WELL BEING I watched the Dead Poets Society and then Endless Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, making me think about life. In one they push themselves to do what used to scare them or what they deeply love, and in the other she makes the most of life by acting immature and not thinking. She just does it. She doesn't care what others think.

YING arrived late. Yes I get pissy with her. Yes she bothers me and her mood swings mess with me as well. I can't explain what happens, but when she's late and she's on the phone with someone, it pisses me off. When she's just her, it pisses me off. And while I was in line she saw Toby (is he ALWAYS there?) and did the May thing, "Oh, Toby!" and acting all giggly and smiley at him.

I must've looked sad, because I know I felt that mixed sad-upset-shakey, and Toby asked how I was. Instead of assuming I was being a bitch (which I partly was), he stuck with it to make sure I was okay. In line, waiting, Ying trying to get my attention even though I was busy getting my food because she starves for it. And after we went to the picnic bench outside the uni centre

ADVICE "It's not the scar that you make. It's the Memory you leave with it"

GROWN UP Looking at facebook I wonder, what am I doing? No boyfriend. Lost my high school friends. Lost my LEC friends. Same old story, right? But then I think about how I have the most amazing best friend: Gaz. But then I worry, what about when I'm home in the U.S.? I'm grown up now. No more playtime. Jess is gone, and I have to work for a living now.

Saturday, 9 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS I kept moving around campus, going from the labs (which were full) to the law sitting area (where I saw Tim from my Macca's adventure looking at me as if he was trying to figure out if he he knew me) to the student lounge balcony and back to the uni centre couches. However I just couldn't get comfortable. Sitting all the time wrecks my back and patient, and yet it felt wonderful to move around and be out in the sun. Lately, or rather for a month now, it's so hot that I sweat from the moment the sun is out and to the moment it sets. I will be deodorant on and I still sweat and smell disgusting.

At dinner Toby went to me and asked if I'd taken OB, then asking questions while staring at my upper lip. How can a gay who people make fun of make fun of others? I played nice and tried helping but he wasn't really listening even though he wanted the help. He's one of those people who want temporary attention from everyone to feel important, which is why he left while I was still talking without saying goodbye. Do I care? Honestly not.

Then Mike wasn't that friendly today, maybe because he was in a bad mood.

Gaz surprised me and emailed a few hours after I had emailed him! So while he didn't mention me wanting to go to NZ with him one day, he did add these bits:

"Can you apply for a short term course (say one that goes for three months-photography fundamentals or something) and get a really short term visa approved for that? Or would that be just like applying for a permanent visa?"

"Same back at you, try to relax, don't focus to much on whether you've made the right choices or not (I do it non-stop...It's easy to see it's getting me nowhere). Eat some sushi, that's always good!"

"So I'll tell you how the next houses go (wonder what reasons they'll think up?Not German? Not gay? Not a uni student? It'll be interesting)."

I hate when I get nervous for no reason. Like some dipshit trying to get my attention because Jillian locked herself out. But I do feel bad after hearing her call my name (how does she remember by the way?), because I would help her but I wasn't dressed and I was afraid it was her friend doing it. But luckily I didn't have any noise going or the bright lights on. She thinks I'm not in her, heard her say it, which is great. Afterwards I felt so bad because I wanted to help but I wasn't dressed and I had already ignored her at first.

Friday, 8 February 2008


EMAIL Three minutes after he sent it, I found Gaz's email even though I wasn't sure if it really would be him considering it usually takes him a couple of days to respond. Thing is, I barely mentioned the visa and he seemed concerned, just because I said it's making me never want to move out of America again (which is true). But at the same time, he didn't seem to want to see me or offer, not that I asked. So who knows what goes on in his head. He really helped with my decision to stay here or go, but made no reference to whether he wanted to see me or not, if he was even concerned about that.

UNI RESIDENTS On the way to lunch I saw a guy on the bungie 2 steps wave and say hi to me. There's something about bungie 2 residents that makes them kind and social, but I don't see myself every socializing with them. They like easy girls. They like sociable girls. And they like to party. And I'm afraid unlike my Hargraves days.

But the second best part of the day was Arthur who came to visit like he said, and we went over to the uni centre to do our assignment for AA. And once there it he his idea to go in an empty classroom where we went step-by-step through the problems, complete with me writing on the board. I felt like I was teaching him and that it was helping me to remember, but at the same time he was also helping me. And AA is not that bad after all. I learn best when writing it on a markerboard and talking it out loud, so "teaching" him really helped.

Thursday, 7 February 2008


Not much to say today other than we made a collective point of trying to answer him in the tute today, after having to evaluate him because we don't like his teaching style.  I answered his first question and then people tried to follow, and we all smiled and felt good.  He smiled, we smiled.  And Toby and the Germans and I had a nice conversation beforehand which I started with, "How was the postgrad dinner?"  The tallest German, the cute one, made a effort to talk to me on the way out and I loved that just like he gave me a cheery "hello" when I walked in.  He's my second crush, besides James.  Otherwise, May and I talked easily enough even though she was more interested in Toby (she does that, like with Ying).  

But also today, for the first time in almost ten months, I was around when the cleaners were.  I'm tired of eating alone at the picnic bench while they take their sweet time, so I ate on our porch.  It felt great to be so-called brave.  I don't like to be around them.  Or eating in the open, either.  

Wednesday, 6 February 2008


CULTURE & YING  I wished Ying a 新年快乐 ("Happy New Year"), making me feel culturally more aware and culturally sensitive at the same time. Then I sacrifised my salad and gave it to her since she didn't want to pay for dinner. 

LIFE HERE stephen keeps asking if I've found a loophole for a visa and he wants me to stay here. He's telling me there's a way around it and that I just have to stay for a semester and pay for that one class. He told me to ask Jade, that she would help. And that to come back to him. At least someone cares! 

"i don't want to admit to myself that others influence my emotions as much as they do. i wish i could be someone who's completely self-reliant, someone who doesn't freak out (inside) if a friend is distant or a boyfriend doesn't call or an acquaintance doesn't acknowledge me. i wish i could teach myself to be less anxious and more go-with-the-flow. i can be very level-headed when dealing with others' conflict, but if it's just about me or just in my head, i can't stop obsessing. i revel in routine, but dream of the courage to flit about. i can't even make it a few hours without making a to-do list and planning out exactly the order that i'll accomplish errands and tasks. i feel like i'm in a rut, but honestly, i would feel even more out of control if i let it all go."

Tuesday, 5 February 2008


UNI RESIDENTS It was easy to talk to May. But more memorable was Toby telling me that he loves me laugh and how he can hear the giggling down the hall. Then Mike butting in and adding, "We all love your laugh" making me blush. And afterwards, Mike heard me from behind and talked to me with a see ya at the end.
Arthur called and we had fun chatting and doing some analysis before which Megan at the Brasserie smiled for the first time in a long time and knew I wanted chocolate cake.
To finish off the delight, Mike smiled when he saw me and we were chatting and he brought even another topic. I love talking to him when I bring something up and he adds to it.

Monday, 4 February 2008


AMERICAN HOME & NZ Mom called and she told me the same thing she did last time. "Why don't you ask Gareth to go to NZ with you and we'll pay for it?" "I already did and he wanted, but he felt weird. So that's how Thailand came up." "But you know he won't have the money." Yes, I know. But also he won't go to NZ with me since he doesn't have the money. So my parents don't want me to come home, which means I won't. Fuck it. NZ here I come. All by myself, alone. And then over two weeks alone in the Gold Coast. YAY! Oh, well, the rest of my life will be spent alone so I might as well get used to it.
THAILAND But what about Thailand? I know we won't go because he won't have the money, just like last time, so do I go alone?NT Well, how about this? Since we won't get to Thailand with how he's so fucking slow with getting a job, we just go to the

YING I called her at 8am and at 11pm, knowing I had to catch her sometime and that she couldn't have class for over three straight hours, but she never picked up. So you know what? I'm prepared for us, but they aren't because they think that only the Islander girl and I will be presenting. They don't realize that she posted to ilearn.

Ying called- she didn't have her mobile with her and she wants to play dumb and pretend she never saw it. But really, I rather do it the other way since I'm prepared (so she just must not want to present now that she has to). Anyway, point being, we were laughing and caring on together.

UNI CLASSWORK & RESIDENTS I loved the lecture for analysis because not only did Arthur and Stephen carry on a conversation with me (not that that is unusual), but Mike kept flirting with me. It might be because Ashnita wasn't there to occupy him, but he kept smiling at me and made a point when he walked in to say, "Hey, girl" with his charming smirk. All teeth, eyes shining. There to impress. Yes, my crush on him is now back.
Customer Analysis wasn't so great. The islander girl canceled on us and then Shivang was acting pissy at me and Ying because both of us were in class and didn't have our mobiles on us. Come on, you call us two hours before class and act pissy to us like that? So he acted that way even though I saved us, so it must be either an Indian thing or a man thing.
For the presentation I spoke first just to get it over with and amazingly I remembered everything since it was like I was telling a story, but I don't think we did that great (not that I care). And even though I wasn't that nervous, I probably showed it unfortunately. Point being, they are getting so much easier for me!

At dinner I ran into Mike and I said hey first, to which he smirked, and he asked how I was. Then he said see ya. Yes, I say this because we haven't done this since May semester, which makes it important.

But the other great part of Monday nights is when Ying and I eat dinner out at the picnic bench. Not because of Ying (even though our talk was better this time since neither of us were being bitchy), but because the Aussies (Nash and Vicky) and May come around 7:45. And it's always delightful to talk to Aussies who are funny, entertaining, and all smiles. I just love it.

Sunday, 3 February 2008


AMERICAN HOME & DEEP SADNESS  Mom called and she won't let me come home to see Tiger before she dies during April.  So to my surprise I cried so much.  I cried, stopped, and then cried even more. But then she called back that night and she said I misunderstood her (as always, that I always do that and that's why I have problems with Gareth as well- according to her). She said I could come home if I want.

Mom said the same thing happened last time and this is just repeating. Where he wants to see me, but we're playing communication games. Except I can't remember. I seem to remember me calling him crying about wanting to leave for good, that if I go home I won't come back, and then him offering Newcastle after that. But this time I remember saying how I'll stop by to see him on the way to Sydney and NZ and he asked if I'd just fly from Brisbane, like was snubbing me. The communication error was staying at his place versus a YHA and I booked the YHA in spite to learn he always assumed I'd be staying with him. This time I don't think he even wants me to come in the first place.

Bottom line. Do I ask him? Or assume we won't go to Thailand because he won't have the money and just blow off seeing him for probably the last time and just go home?

And what about when I leave for good? This will never stop unfortunately. And the funny thing is that I knew this was coming since we "talked" about this in January. Either he blew me off, I hurt him, or he thought I didn't want to see him. Who knows.

UNI CLASSWORK  We met together as a group and we were all on time, except Ying who was ten minutes late. Typical. No one really started, no one led, so I went ahead and got us started to my surprise. I don't like taking over or being a leader, but we had to do something. But Shivang was the one who had the good ideas and the content, so we were a good team while the other two added from time to time. Overall though I don't think we will have any problems with people not showing up and people fucking us over...this being the third charm.

UNI RESIDENTS & YING  I was hoping to escape afterwards and instead of getting away with not having dinner with her, she asked as I was caught talking to the Islander girl. She literally asked while we were mid-sentence with each other. That's how controlling Ying is. And it was just as I thought. Her being a pain in the ass, and not being happy, while I was trying. But instead of really trying this time I gave up and told her basically how it is. I told her that yes I'm going to New Zealand, but that's because I can't trust any of my friends. That they say they will go but don't follow through. Did she get I was talking about her? Probably not. But I'm tired of sugar coating it.

Just as if he were sent to save us from getting to far (and me going off and off in a tangent), cue Toby. He asked if were going to Post-grad dinner and then went off about our International Trade professor, making us laugh, but then left without saying anything. He doesn't want to be close friends with us, so why try?

Mike was the best. I took a chance and asked how he was and he then asked how I was. For him to be friendly now, in the Brasserie, you have to talk first. Before it was the other way around. Maybe he did like me before?

Saturday, 2 February 2008


DREAMS I had a bad dream where an asteroid was coming and we were trying to catch the broken pieces. Only after we got the largest piece, a bomb was coming and we managed to escape. Only we hid in a house with strangers while people slowly died, and I was scared because we weren't warned like they were. It felt so real, too.

AMERICAN HOME I think I want to go home instead of NZ this break since I want to see Tiger before she dies, see my family (yep...), meet Meatball, and eat American food. I want American TV. I want to drive my baby. Most of all, like I said, I want to say goodbye to my baby, my kitty. (But also, I won't see Gaz, who what's the point of staying here?)

UNI RESIDENTS I ran into Arthur this morning outside of the IT building as I was going in to do some work (which would be ruined once I realized ilearn is down). We were cheery as always and he invited me to this lunch he was having with his study tour buddies. I declined since I didn't go, but I thanked him for inviting me and I felt great.

Arthur came by to visit around dinner time and it was nice that he just drops by. It makes me feel social.

"other halves
In ancient times people weren't simply male or female, but one of three types : male/male, male/female or female/female. In other words, each person was made out of the components of two people. Everyone was happy with this arrangment and never really gave it much thought. But then God took a knife and cut everyone in half, right down the middle. So after that the world was divided just into male and female, the upshot being that people spend their time running around trying to locate their missing half."
-Haruki Murakami

Friday, 1 February 2008


BEST FRIEND Basically Bear is the only one I can really count on.  Jess disappeared.  Melissa hasn't answered back.  Neither has Kenny.  And Betty's still working on calling me back.

I say this because Bear "surprised" me so to speak this morning by writing back faster than usual lately and it wasn't bad (although he left out my visa concerns). 

EMAIL "Okay, so I was supposed to go to the TAFE yesterday, but I guess I didn't really feel like it. I went to the movies instead. 3:10 To Yuma. It wasn't too bad. Worth sitting down and zoning out for a couple of hours. It's okay though, I didn't just stupidly not go to TAFE, I called and apparently I just need to turn up on Monday, I managed to leave my name and all of that. So it should be fine.
The job agency took all of ten minutes to do, they gave me a few forms to fill out and just said okay, that's it...I have the bad feeling that there are alot more hoops I'm going to have to jump through before it's all done and dusted.
New Zealand seems wonderfull, especially down south...problem is I think you need a car to actually do anything, like around here really, without a car...there's just nothing to do.
I guess I might as well try to organise looking at some houses on Monday while I'm there too.
More conversations with strangers in strange places today. Well, maybe not a strange place, the bus stop, but a perculiar woman. A conspiracy theorist (amatuer) who has the worrying trend to treat strangers kids like she's their grandma or something, but too touchy.
Yet to see Juno, although it's on in Maitland, which is kind of surprising (it'd be considered a bit arty in Maitland- no guns or monsters), so it won't be hard to catch. And the nurse at mum's work must be having a bit of trouble finding those movies, but fingers crossed (probably because it's for me, and not mum means she doesn't feel the need to rush any).
No mail yet, so I'll be waiting to see if anything turns up.
Hmm, I'd consider Chicago central-north, same as Ohio. Not south enough to be mid-west really. I think Tasmania'd be more New Englandish, WA more Washington (perth=seattle?).
Apart from that, it'll all be pretty routine today, watch a video, a couple of exercise sessions, eat (salmon in the fridge- 
I'm experimenting with a cooking without heat trick, just chuck it in a bag with some lime juice, vinegar, salt, and sugar, and by the time dinner comes around it should be pickled...I hope), then sleep. That and try to email dad sometime by the end of the day (and check if the gym membership has been cancelled yet).
Hope you have a good weekend, seeing I guess today is the start of your weekend right. Don't do anything too crazy!
See you,
I couldn't think of anything worse than camomile tea (except maybe peppermint tea), urgh."

UNI RESIDENTS & CLASSWORK Arthur called me at 8am and I met him in the library at 10am where we both worked on our HW 3 assingment for Analysis and Applications. The only thing we couldn't get was 4D and of course he didn't get it either, so I had to wait until Stephen showed up at 1pm. 

GROWN UP & LIFE HERE I took the time during the wait to call the immigration lawyer back, but first I had diarrhea because I was so nervous and then I just made myself dial (telling myself I could just hang up). I dialled and had to talk to three different people before I finally got the answer I didn't want to hear: I can't use the two year study clause. This won't knock me down since I won't be able to live here off the bat anyway. I need some money first and some experience, so it works out. And meanwhile I can always travel to see Gaz. 

I'm being positive. 

Oh, and the call? I was so proud I called blindly and didn't speak to only one person, but three. I felt like a grown-up. The fear of a phone is about just using it.

UNI RESIDENTS & CLASSWORK At 1:30 Arthur called to let me know and I went over there, but again, I had my meeting with my marketing group at 2pm and I didn't have time to see his answer to 4D. He promised to let me know, but hasn't emailed me yet, making me not trust him again. And so Monday I will have to corner him and ask him what he figured out. And hopefully the rest of my answers are right. 

2pm and I was sitting there smiling while Neva walked past and smiled because of it, and then Shivang showed up first. Ying was in a "queue" and late because of it (as always) and the South American (?) girl was late because she didn't look at the time. Basically I don't like when people aren't early. Being on time is okay, but early is better. And being in a queue even though you know you have to be somewhere is annoying.

I was afraid we wouldn't have anything to talk about but it was surprisingly easy and it was fun and we laughed and smiled a lot. Shivang and I talked the entire bus ride there and the girl was always smiling at me. It was like shopping as a high schooler and feeling cool because you had "cool" people with you. I wasn't afriad to walk in shops because I was confident around them. And, I could tell people wondering why we were so diversed. A white girl with an American accent. An islander with a French accent. A Chinse girl. And an Indian. We were a sight.

YING But first, Ying. We were nice, but I wasn't overly friendly and in fact, I wasn't scared I would mess anything up. She goes unloving, quiet, and doesn't smile around me anymore and so neither do I. But as the day went on I gave in and was nice and she was smiling more and more. I can't be mean, but I'm only giving what she gives.

I'm much more relaxed and easy going about it all. I'm finally not much of a pushover and just going for it, but this only happens after I'm used to a place. Like with my internship. Lake Erie. And Target. But when I stand up for myself, "I'm a bitch". There's no happy in between. I say this because of how Stephen didn't email me back and how my "friends" back home haven't emailed either. 

But I have Gareth.