Monday, 20 August 2007


Stayed up all night;
A bit nervous about meeting Gareth.
Do I hug him?
What do I say?
How do we sleep?
I even knitted 30cm
and then stole a corner table from the open, empty room across our bungalow.
I redecorated that corner of my room,
I love the results.

Sunday, 19 August 2007


Woke up at 10pm to a hiccup and then I giggled. I hope it was him ;)

"And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here.

See you,


It made me giggle today thinking of it. The whole, "I'll tell you how my day went when you get here" deal. Just think that a few months ago we were still emailing each other once, twice a week and now it's everyday. That's why I think he said that, because then I won't hear about his Monday!

LIFE HERE That IGA was a little rough again, so I have to remember to smile and never look away as if bored. It's always the same girls, so there's no point in getting on their bad side because because I'm nervous about my accent. (ADVICE say "hi, how are you?" first).

Things change when all the popular regulars are around and you know you won't be scrutinized. I was blasting music. I opened my room door, not afraid someone would walk by and even if they did, so what? I placed food in the fridge. I felt like this was my bungalow as well, for once. I walked around campus, even though it was open day, looking straight ahead as, "I already go here. I am not a freshmen." I blast my ipod and laughed at their "international food" tent, full of Mexican and Chinese and stereotypical food to please the tiny groups. If they have to go all out, then they are compensating for something or begging for you to come be a Bondie.

I began to get nervous about Canberra and started knitting to calm my nerves. (KNITTING) 30 inches in one day! Just look at that brown next to the blue, how beautiful. It gets exciting to see my work coming together.

KNITTING is distracting me from Canberra. It's my new thing to calm me down, calm my nerves, and distract me from life as I subconsciously move that yarn. Just look how the two colors look together! I can't wait to see what this thing will turn out to be like.

LITTLE PLEASURES no class. being able to knit. knowing that everything always works on. learning that no one is more important than you. having a good dinner with everything you like. being able to walk around campus freely. good music. good roomies. seeing hot guys across the street. knowing that gaz loves me. knowing that I get emails from home, more than last time. an empty laundry room. calling greyhound and getting a cheerful, nice woman. realizing that making phone calls are easy and fast. ice cream after a month. feeling at ease in the Gold Coast. being told by an Aussie that he understands and that I'm adventurous. chocolate mint cookies after weeks of none. a warm room. tea that is not too hot. seeing older pictures of Tiger. laughing so hard. getting a stranger to smile. a good conversation with no pauses. seeing your best friend after three months. going to bed when I'm completely exhausted. a real hug. slipping into bed with a best friend. realizing there are no classes and no responsibilities for a bit.

GROWN UP if there's no Aussie visa for me, I want to try Italy, where I hear the boys woo girls. Meanwhile though, Jess and I both coincidentally want to try Florida and she's got an apartment she wants me to move in with her. I like having a plan. I want Gareth in it, but I won't think anymore about that just yet.

Tried to donate, but I will be outbid while I am gone.

SMALL GESTURES I am on an artsy, helping kick. I'm gathering ideas how to rejuvenate my room, make it more inspiring. I want to help out as much as I can. I started this blog to remember the feelings and deep insides, instead of the boring surface. I have two flickr accounts. I will start a moleskine again in Canberra.

Saturday, 18 August 2007


64 cm (25 in); 10 hours (fast and slow),
all my pale blue yarn is finished!

It is still relaxing, but I don't like the feel of the yarn anymore. It rubs, it's rough, and I feel like I'm stretching it too much. Starting the brown was a little difficult to get the casting on down again, but then it was simple again. I love the color, so muted and easy and not blue (which you can get sick of if you see it a lot). And as I was counting 35 stiches, I remember that reading Harry Potter and watching the movies is why I started knitting in the first place. I wanted a Harry scarf! This project was started as a Christmas present for Gaz since he was always complaining about the weather. Will I give it to him? Not sure.



Well, today's appointment day to get this tattoo drawn up (I think I've forgotten all my ideas- I don't know how the hell I'm going to explain what's in my head? Iv'e decided to just try empty it, and hope it doesn't cost anything yet!). I'll have to see what they say about being in a swimming pool- probably not allowed so I'll have to delay it for a while....

Lucky for you I can't check out the list you sent on this computer (firewall), probably a good thing for me too I'll start to get big ideas (you can have too much of a good thing).

Fun giving speeches to kids!?! Have you gone mad- speeches fun? I'll get nervious as much as talking to adults (I've just realised I've never really worked with kids in any way what so ever).

You seriously don't know what gourmet means? Usually it just means good ingredients and fancy food (where ever it comes from- ie no fish and chips, vanilla ice-cream (unless it's made with real vanilla beans etc) and so on and so forth).

Eh, don't worry, you probably worked out by now that it's way too hard to get lost in Australia.

And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here.

See you,


INVITES Tonight, in a handful of hours, I will be having a somewhat uncomfortable dinner with Arthur and Stephan, at Stephan's house. I kind of hope others will be there as well to take half of the attention off of me, but I don't think so. Happy I was invited, that I get to do something different, but it's uncomfortable since my fallout (quiet one at least) with Arthur and how I am the youngest by far. My finickiness when it comes to food shouldn't stop me from eating, however.

The dinner was already set up, beautifully in fact. Each corner had two little burners and two mini frying pans, along with a platter of butter cubes. The rest was just covered with capsicum, egg plant, beef, fish, chicken, bacon, onions, and you name it. I loved the idea, something that came from Europe. You sit for hours cooking mini meals and you can eat whatever you like. Even picky eaters would be happy.

Although he continually talked of himself for four hours long, I began to like him. I felt comfortable and I was amazed how he can insult. "I get along with Americans," he told us. Yet he always has to be a know-it-all, a real turn-off. He talked of things beyond me, his experiences, and about the business world. Every time I mentioned something, he turned it to himself.

(CULTURE) He swore big time in front of his six year old daughter. Drank a lot and drove home going over the line. He just grabbed food with his hands. Yes, even "refined" aussies are hicks. Or "easy going" as he says.

He knew I wasn't happy here because my friends aren't up here. Amazing.

Four hours of him talking and on the way home he invited us back again. He kept insisting in fact, that he needed something to talk to now that he'll be on research. My only regret? Not saying at the very end of dinner thank you.

UNI CLASSWORK I have this urge to buy my books for next semester now that I have nothing to do. I have the urge to distract myself and to get a head start, although I was so excited once all the weight was lifted off at the finish of my Global Business final and I realized that was it. No responsibilities for three weeks. Three weeks of carefree fun until another three months of reading and studying!

DISCOVERED just kept walking and I discovered that even the old can look new if you're in a pleasant mood and looking around. I discovered that one bridge on the way to the wetlands actually leads to the island in the middle. A nice hideaway I will have to discover at once I have time.

Friday, 17 August 2007

072 reminisce

First roomie I met: Christi in South Tower
First friends: Arthur and Hugh
First subject friend: Joey
First Bond student email: Joey
First Bond facebook add: Andrew
First text: either Joey or Andrew
First invite: Zala's birthday party
First "crush"/chasing: Mike

It was tough at first, not knowing anyone and not having immediate friends, but then I met Arthur and Hugh.

Found out I could take the food to my room. Food workers recognized me.

Finished my first case. Passed first exam.

Got closer to my subject friends. Chengi, group was chosen and easy to pick.''

Moved to the dorm. Felt belonged. Nice roomies.

Gareth! Email everyday ish, I love you, etc.

Zala invited, Mike/Chris invite, Ashnita invite, Stephen invite.

Nails grew, flossing, exercising, lost some weight, ?




Lately I've been coming to terms with my breasts. Being naked more often, looking, and embracing.

I fucked myself over with Global Business, so I guess I will be paying to re-take it. It just sucks having to give those presentations again, but at least I will be prepared.

"You are fucking kicking ass! Go Jen! Now don't panic!" When I study I talk to myself. I'm dramatic. I use my hands. I get angry at myself if I miss something easy. But I'm proud of what I've accomplished, considering how I started out, and I hope that I do well since I genuinely tried! My driving need right now is sleep; I'm looking forward to getting this over, hopefully not feeling to guilty, and just sleeping and sleeping.

ADVICE Pass or fail, I've learned to keep up with all subjects and that I should study even the "hard" one early on, as I go along.

Try to portray yourself as a more positive person.

UNICLASSWORK and UNI RESIDENTS early, as always because otherwise I get nervous, and I chose a spot on the overhang that was sort of hidden and yet I could be seen. I was doodling swirls when I heard, "studying hard?" from Mike. He did the nervous laughing shaking thing he does when it seems like he is flirting with a girl, me. And it was so easy talking to him and I love it, because I still have my innocent crush on him, and I want to befriend him, and I love his South African accent. It's so rough and different, and yet so pleasing.

Ashnita joined us, mind you that generally these two don't always come to me, and I felt special. She sat close and we were all talking and then she did something that made me feel better. She was talking about waxing her mustache, so that made me feel better since she's one of the few that looks at where my lip is. She was so comfortable talking about it, so I should be, too!

Helped each other study and we got to chatting about how James feels I should be more social. "Come, you'll know us," Ashnita said when I told her how awkward it would be to go to End of the Semester Bash (although I ended up not going- you can't show up alone and without a decent outfit to wear).

"Canberra?!" they both joked. "Who's there?" asked Ashnita. Girls are so tuned in. "Ohhh, a boyfriend!" Mike joked. It's the kind of joking a male friend would do, one that knows you and is comfortable, so it felt really good.

We wished each other good luck as we went to take our final exam. I was situated as the last one in the Global Business row, but I had a nervous wreck of a woman next to me who kept glancing over and shaking the table. I was iffy on the actual exam and afraid to be the first to leave, but I did after Ashnita walked by and we smiled at each other.

Then, it was over! I felt relieved, as if all the weight was gone, and I couldn't stop smiling. I had no idea how grumpy or exhausted or stressed I was until I walked out of that hall.

Checked with accommodation about my room being still alloted to me, so easy, and then ran into Stephen who told me to meet him tomorrow at 6pm. While we were chatting, Gillian, the Canadian, looked at me and smiled as she ran. "I really need to pee!" she laughed.

The moment I hit my bed back in my room, I didn't wake for two hours. Something woke me up and I walked over to my laptop, which was still brightly running, and saw Gaz's email with a smile on my face. I knew it would come, but there was always that risk. I also knew it would be short considering there wasn't much to say, but he did the one thing I wanted. Gaz told me he would pick me up, since he never specifically said he would (just that I could stay at his place). That was one of the reasons I got upset, and here I was stupid about that, as always.

Two more hours of sleep and I woke with the urge to walk, but then I got a few minutes in to where the sun made me sweat right away. That was it, so back to my dorm I went.

Over two months since it's been since I've seen her, the one I met my first day, and I couldn't even remember what she looked like, and yet she remembered me. I smiled regardless, knowing there was a chance, and I was right. She came up to me and asked when I was leaving, etc, while we smiled and easily talked away. It always feels good.

The politics! Two women cut in line, but I ignored it, and I got out faster in my line regardless. I kept my calm and didn't get in a bad mood, so it felt so good. Why bother upsetting yourself??

Then I ran into my roomie again, and here was twice after two months, what are the chances? But I was glad as we chatted again, easily, while she walked over to dinner. I found out I will have the dorm to myself starting Sunday, so I was happy to hear that. I will use the fridge and TV, check out those magazines, and walk around easily. I'm only somewhat comfortable with them still.

Half asleep, knowing there was a good chance it would come, and it was there. I woke up after two hours, stumbled over to my alive laptop and noticed his name. Although it didn't really register, I stumbled back to bed and slept easily another two hours. Before I opened it I knew it would be short, after all there was noting much to say except about me coming. Overall I was happy considering I didn't really imply for him to come pick me up:

"And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here."

CULTURE It's so odd hearing "aluminum" the American way...

Thursday, 16 August 2007


Thursday is my ritual of hiding from the cleaners by running off to the uni centre with my laptop to occupy my early morning. I was thinking, I shouldn't blame them for something the bathroom cleaner might've not done, but I left my shower with the hair in it because I was sour they didn't clean...which lead to my toe fungus. Although I'm embracing this experience and realizing that nails falling off aren't so bad after all, once your first comes off.

ADVICE For the future though: do not make those suffer whom might not have done it.

Well I managed to literally catch the clock at 11:11 to make a wish, but so far no email. Now I'm getting worried...I leave Sunday. If I don't hear from him, what do I do? Just as I was typing that I got "Gareth Thomas" and merely said, "Thank you." His email doesn't seem happy...let's see.

Yep, as I predicted, not very loving at all. "Hiya" and "See you next week, Gaz". Then namedropping Guy, what the hell?

Now that I step back and look at it, it's fine. I was just expecting more of a "you're coming soon!" deal, but he did tell me my final would be fine and he did mention (at the end...) I am coming. So I will see his reaction email tomorrow morning before I go and book a hostel.

I hope I guilted him into being more loving tomorrow...if he emails.

UNI CLASSWORK Happened to go print my Gaz email which was perfect timing to catch Ashnita in the printing room. We were chatting about our finals and then she invited me to a study nice! This is my take a chance and be brave moment of the day, because it will be awkward "crashing", but I was invited.

Ended up that when I arrived they were not were she said they would be and me being a nervous wreck didn't look any further. But I was pushed with guilt, I didn't want her to think I was blowing her off. Although not all think like me and if I see her, I will apologize and say I had searched and then got sidetracked.

MOVING don't get your hopes down until the immigration expo, there is always a way. And so what if I have to wait? That gives me the opportunity to go to Florida or Canada. And why do I want to be here? Only for Gaz, my only real friend.

CANBERRA The big day is coming up but I'm getting scared for some reason. How will he react? How will I? Do I hug him hello? Will he even meet me at the bus station? Am I still staying at his place? What will I do when he's off at the agency? What will it be like sleeping in his bed again?

The pregnant, blond Brasserie worker is always smiling and always kind. She made me smile, which felt great, and put a skip in my step.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007


I finally got to sleep around 3am only to wake up at 8am, something I did not want, but my body wanted. It yearn for sleep and yet I yearned to study some more. Waking up in a panic, I freaked out thinking I wouldn't be able to study now. I'm just scared I won't be able to get even thirteen points on my exam; I just want to pass. That's all.

I caught the clock at 11:11, but no email so far. What's going on? So I want to cry, but that's also from frustration with this subject and how tired I am with organizational behavior. It's all bullshit and I can't bullshit. But Gaz, I know he's not mad at me or ignoring me, so that's why I want to know what's up. He said he would let me know today, but he hasn't. And so I know it will still be fine, because I'm coming Monday!

Try, try, try, that's what you've got to do. It's the best you can do, but I just don't want to waste my parents' money and I don't want them to be upset with me. I'm really trying to, but I know I can do more, and that upsets me.

UNI CLASSWORK and RESIDENTS "Prices for international flights to Europe vary depending on when you book and with which airline you book. It's a good idea to check every few weeks to find good deals. For convenience, I suggest you fly into London and out of Frankfort, the closest international airport to Strasbourg where our tour finishes. You might consider arriving in London a few days earlier, and do some sightseeing. London is a great place for New Year's Eve."

I arrived early as planned and thankfully Joey found me, to which he sat with me and we chatted. He scared me by saying that good exam essays should be 400 words (according to the internet), but then Nash joined us and said he would be writing three pages total (for four questions, 45 points total). It was easy to talk to Nash, but as always we abruptly ended and he wandered off, while I didn't care. We can only talk about class and once that's over, it's awkward silence and pushing our luck. Whereas with joey it's more of a language barrier and him only half understanding, so it's tougher for me. He wants to ask questions, but it seems difficult because, again, the language deal. Excited Joey found me and I wasn't sitting there alone, because don't we all want to belong?

"Hello, gorgeous!" Victoria smiled at me. I love older, kinder Aussie women. Speaking with her is incredibly easy, not forced, and always worth lots of smiles. We laughed and joked, I felt bad for isolating Joey, and we just let it flow. She was blunt and funny with Canberra. "I'll go to Thailand and you can go to Canberra." "Uh, no!" she replied real quick. She asked who was there with a smirk, which set off a fit of giggles and blushing. I've noticed that the older people know right away that I still have feelings, although I know longer think like that. "Come on, giggler," Victoria said as we entered.

Now my second time doing the exam situation in a large, poorly lit hall, that makes me feel weird because there's too many people and too big of a space. I lucked out not having a partner at my table (because they tend to distract you! or shake the table), nor people in the table behind me. It was nice how things work out as such.

Stephen stopped by and invited me to dinner at his place (aw) and said Arthur is coming as well- at least now we can not be as awkward around each other. So I thought that was nice coming from an "American hater". My first invite beyond Zala inviting me to her party (which I misunderstood).

I believe the exam went well, well enough to pass at least, so I was at peace following Gillian's lead and leaving early.

45 centimeters!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

After my second exam I just go the urge to calm down and relax with a bit of knitting. I ended up knitting 23cm in one go while watching the Family Stone.

Tuesday, 14 August 2007


Last night as I was falling asleep, Liz kind of got to me in another way. Although she is 27 and I'm still 22, I shouldn't feel like a failure. I knew she'd get knocked up, just I didn't want her to tell me since we're not friends anymore. What would hurt me more is Gaz getting a girlfriend, and so I know there's worse out there. I also know that I'm still young and I didn't want that route yet. There's still hope for me!

I woke up much later than I wanted, but I wasn't too discouraged, but a bit and knew I would be fine if I kept telling myself that. First thing, as always, I started my computer to life and opened my see Gareth's email! Already! So that made my morning and he made me giggle, and I felt much better.

My book, my book finally came and it felt so good to stick my hand in my PO Box and take that slip out, after weeks of strangers seeing that I had no mail to pull out!

UNI CLASSWORK also yesterday, Stephen emailed me with great news that didn't sink in until today as I was freaking out. We only need 13 points (he needs 12) to pass the class! I was trying to figure out how until I found out it's simple: 100 points total. We might've gotten 19/30 on the group work (no one knows for sure), I got 18/25 on my assignment, and the test is worth apparently 45 points (to total 100, duh Jen!). I'm just so glad he was kind enough to email me, that was very nice of him.

ADVICE It can always be worse (example: That guy asked for one section of my notes, I blew him off, and then he ended up getting more than he originally asked for off of me). Be friendly to everyone (example: at the library that Middle Eastern guy I barely know made a great gesture by telling me ahead of time that the printer didn't work).

Germaine Greer- "The essence of pleasure is spontaneity."

Monday, 13 August 2007


My goal is to create a beautiful moleskine page and show it on my livejournal, along with a beautiful poem. Must comment before then, though. I think I found a visa that will work for me, so here's hoping, because if not, I don't want to go to Canada. I'm just wondering, what would I do with Gareth? This is how careless I am. It took me two months to figure out that you can't see in the window during the day and over two months to figure out that my window opened. This is after freaking out and wishing I could have sun and fresh air! OPEN YOUR EYES! Then this morning I got to thinking, what makes me stand out and who cares about me? Nowadays it's mainly Gareth thinking about me. But what makes me stand out? Not sure. Maybe my giggly personality? How kind I am until you push me too far? My grumpy expression, even though I'm just shy?

Thankfully I checked the exam schedule, wondering why it was 11:30am, to find out I picked the undergrad class instead of the post-grad class! Ohhhhh, thankyouwhomevergavemethatfeeling. I love how if I have an issue, it's only a minute away to be resolved. Walking at 8am usually derives at least some people on campus, but I only ran into three Chinese (two parents and a student to which I rolled my eyes) and two professors (at least two professionals whom work here). No students, all tucked away either sleeping, studying, or freaking out. No Harry Potter either, which I guess means I won't be bringing that down to Canberra with me for Gareth, so I guess December?

UNI CLASSWORK A few hours to my exam, but I just want to get it over with. Campus is so dead and I love it, although walking into the brasserie was a bit awkward because it felt like my every move was on display for the bored employees. It was deafeningly quiet to the point I could hear the workers speak and they could actually hear what I was ordering.

Finally the exam came. I was early, of course, and was sitting against the wall
++joey ran to
++may and james alone
++chin interrupt, kind of rude, spoke eng then fren in chine
++I first for econ, smile when saw me
++think at least passed
++wish smile zala who looked back, gillian wish as well

DISCOVERED sample exams are just a starting point. And if there's a midterm, more than likely one of those questions will be used. Even though it says online "no water" and "no bags", people had water and bags were kept at the back.

Also, unrelated to my exam, I've discovered that I will get $50 from global points, something I was not expecting!

BEST FRIEND Big hiccup at 9:50; "I hope that's good."
Turns out, I guess he decided not to email me.

Upset breathing, something I haven't done in months. Where it feels like my throat is closed and my stomach has a massive rock in it, where I can hear the air coming in and out. Why the fuck didn't he email me? All the signs were there, why not?

What a good best friend you are, thanks.

{I was going to delete the above, but thought not to. As I was pouting, he sent it late.}


Bear did email me, just a bit late, and I was so happy when he did of course. In fact I giggled and blushed when he linked to '' and was discussing which tighty swimmers he was looking at. Why tight ones, Gaz? No, you're not an athlete or...yeah. But it made me think of Sam discussing her red bra with him and how I feel special that he's doing this with me. Difficult to explain.

"Cool, I watched the rugby on the telly the other day, and even if I can’t get the tickets organised at ticketek we should just be able to just turn up at the gates and mark in (after donating a bit of money of course), don’t worry about the money." Aw, don't worry about the money?

"And now to buy a pair of swimmers (, can’t choose though- I’m leaning towards the XS illusion pair (black and white), but then again maybe the Origin in chocolate? I wanted the stripey ones in navy but they’re too small (I think)- on second thought not the XS ones, I just read the description!" Was he asking for my opinion?

IM/TEXT/EMAIL I played nice, honest, but I could've been much more excited, but how could one be? Two months she's ignored me, she's seen me online, and yet here she is with "we're going to have a baby!" as if we're still close. My hope though, is that she gets it that we are not close anymore and in fact, I don't see her as a friend anymore. After this she went to me and passed over Canberra, wasn't excited for me, we both got bored, and then I ignored her. She did what we wanted to do, I did what I wanted (that I was happy and going to Canberra real soon), so we should both be happy. I just regret not ignoring her from the beginning. I hope she got my non-response as me not caring and I hope she gets it when I'm no longer going to be on from now on.

An excerpt from the book Daily Wisdom: 365 Buddhist Inspirations
"One day one of the Brahmins who objected to the Buddha came to listen to one of the Buddha's discourses and, while he was still speaking, walked up and down in front of him. Then he proceeded to abuse the Buddha, using quite rough language. He reviled him in every possible way he could think of. When he had finally run out of words the Buddha, who had been quietly sitting there listening, said, "Brahmin, do you ever have guests in your house?" The Brahmin answered, "Yes of course we have guests in our house." The Buddha said, "When you have guests in your house, do you offer them hospitality? Do you offer them food and drink?" The Brahmin said, "Well of course we do. Of course I offer them food and drink." The Buddha continued, "And if they don't accept your hospitality, if they don't take your food and drink, to whom does it belong?" The Brahmin said, "It belongs to me. It belongs to me." The Buddha said, "That's right, Brahmin. It belongs to you."

This is a good story to remember.
Any abuse, anger, or threat belongs to the one who is uttering it."

Sunday, 12 August 2007


Allowed myself to wake up a bit late to catch up on sleep, even though I wasn't very sleepy last night. It caught up to me, unfortunately. Walked aimlessly around campus, letting myself to just go where ever, in an attempt to wake myself up and to cheer up (final fears are getting to me).

I would like closure, that's my new obsession with this deal, and I just want her to delete me off her list so I know for sure she's done. I want to know if she's done or just hurt by me. I don't get it and that's what bothering me- the unknown! Okay, since I'm the only one that reads this, it does hurt in the way that I'm waiting for Gareth to reply and I need someone to distract me until (hopefully) tomorrow.

I miss having that close knit circle of uni friends, but then again I do believe everything happens for a reason. In fact, I love having peace now, once I realized I couldn't be a Gareth and suddenly have all these "cool friends" and a potential boyfriend. He didn't until his last year, which gives me hope still, especially with more students next semester and the ability to get closer to those I already know.

LIFE HERE mmm, homemade sandwiches. first thing I've "made" since I've been belittled to make pb&j sandwiches with the lack of a kitchen or even kitchenette. Took mom's advice and the pains of hunger to drive myself to walk to IGA and buy cheese, ham, and spinach for a delicious and satisfying sandwich.

ADVICE Don't be afraid of your accent. No one else is, just speak! Then maybe the IGA girls will be nicer. Also, the trick is to say a comment, not to ask. Like for instance, Gillian told James on his facebook, "Let's have an economics party" to which he agreed and asked when. Finally, continue breaking habits such as drinking more tea and not using the dryer.

DISCOVERED "Shy people operate as if thy have a mirror in front of them all the time." Expose myself to new situations. If it's uncomfortable, don't run. Start with little conversations and then build. Sit by people regularly, and then talk. Talk, talk, talk (class, weekends, if first semester, etc).

What is with 8:22? I see that time ALL THE TIME. Is that reference to August 22? If so, what will happen then? Today I happened to catch it after I decided I couldn't fall asleep!

Friday, 10 August 2007


LIFE HERE Late late late, and I thought I could trust my ability to sleepily reset my alarm an hour later, but instead I woke up at 10am. Not 8am. Slowly got up, checked my email to find none, and walked to the IGA for some weekly small grocery shopping. Ran out of tea! I'm such a fake Aussie, craving tea, and missing it when it's gone. No more shopping on the weekends, including Friday, because it's way too busy. Rush, rush, rush, too many people in the small store and too many people lined up with one cashier, in the way of the door. "It's a bit blurry." "Would you like to see my ID?" as I pulled it out and showed her. "Thanks, doll." No problem, Aussie. I just wish Australia didn't care about signatures when American doesn't. At least she added the doll, because I don't like snarkiness.

Lakeside Grill was empty and Judith was happy to see me...because she wasn't being rushed. She's always happy, but the people here are much happier if they're not surrounded by chaos.
Oh, they'll stop to talk, but only if they're really close to you.

{Seeing the young foreigners here hurts; how they get along and leave facebook messages and travel the world. But I have an Aussie, and a fucking special one, and that's what matters most}

IM/Text/Email "Gareth, gareth, gareth," i mumbled as I walked back, hoping he would knowing from history trends that he usually replies before 11am. In my room, a glance at the screen, and I saw that blue envelope with a "1" staring back at me. It had to be. I smirked, and I slowly moved my mouse over to see "Gareth Thomas." Yep! And he seems happy as well. I put off reading till I ran to the library to print it off first.

Once I returned I checked facebook out of boredom to see what Jess was up to and just as I left..."Jessica has left you a facebook message" appeared in my gmail notifier. How funny? A quick look and I saw she finally admitted to me that she's having trouble with Todd, which makes me think we'll be fine when I get back. I hope so, I need that female friendship since Liz and I are no more. I need that link in America still.

"wow-it seems like you are getting so much done in classes. are you doing anything for vacation? i'm cramming for the lsat, but i think im going to wait to go to law school for at least a kind of burnt out from school-it happens. what else is new? my summer has sucked majorlly-problems with the bf and such:("

BEST FRIEND He seems much happier and I'm glad, because I was getting worried that I did something wrong or I wasn't doing something right once his emails went from fun and flirty to depressing almost. "Hey kiddo!" Kiddo? He's too cute though.

"Oh, and I saw a poster walking to the library- there’s a bunch of football (being rugby) coming up. Canberra Vikings versus someone (I can’t remember. It’s a new provincial competition so I don’t really have a grip of it yet, I know they’re trying out a set of new rules though, so I might be a little lost too when it comes to the rules- I think it might be Ballymore-QLD- now that I think of it). Anyway it’s on here (at Manuka, which isn’t too far away, just a little bus ride) so I might check that out- price, tickets etc- and maybe we’ll be able to get to a rugby game (one day a cricket match). It’s on on the 26th of August, at 2:30 pm. I’ll go around to ticketek later and check out the prices (shouldn’t be any more than 30 dollars, and that’s at the most)."

He must be getting excited about me coming if he's remember me whining about not going to a rugby game and now offering to get us tickets, something I've wanted to do since I first came here. He's even bringing up cricket, which is also something I've wanted to do for a few years now, so it pretty much makes me feel special and good. He cares, he remembers, and he's planning.

"I’ve found another salmon place- it’s a fish and chips place (not a greezy, sleezy kinda one though), you get to choose what fish you want, so you can just get it and walk where ever you want to, which is kind of cool, it’s in a shopping centre so you wouldn’t really want to eat it there."

The detail made me giggle on top of the fact that he's still thinking of me.

"Hmm, I’m sure one of the interviews’ll work out in the end, I just hope if it does, that they give me a bit of time to muck around in the mean time."

I hope so too, because I want to spend my days with you.

"See you soon. I’ll get back to you on the rugby thing if you want, maybe Monday, maybe the weekend..? The guys think the foxtel guy’s going to turn up today, so hopefully when I get back this afternoon It’ll be good news."

"If you want"- of course! So cute how he brings it up again and how he'll try to get back to me on the weekend.

I LOVE YOU, moleskine organizer.

Thursday, 9 August 2007


IM/Text/Email As I was trying to fall asleep last night I realized that I only receive SMSs from boys for once. First Hugh, then Gaz, Joey, Andrew, Steve.... That makes me feel good since I've always been more attracted to male friendships, but found it difficult to get past the awkward "we're just friends" barrier.

UNI RESIDENTS Just as I figured, Paco fucked me over, but I only stayed nine minutes, so I really don't care. In fact, I'm glad he won't get my notes and my time wasn't wasted. But Steve, the Chinese guy? He doesn't even know my real name, he's using me for my notes because he never went to class, and now I'm kind of upset at myself for giving him my course book. Then Shravang, who used to be nice and talkative, is doing it again because...yep, my notes. Boys are using me for my note skills. I'm not desperate enough for friends to be like, "Yes, take them!" because I'm being used and I see it. However, at least Shravang was decent enough to be nice about it and we've talked throughout the semester.

IM/Text/Email I was just not expecting it and it was the best surprise after a frustrating meeting with three iffy guys to sit down in an empty classroom and see his name pop up at me!

  • "How do I remember these things? I think I might have said at one stage that I always remember the pointless stuff, but never the actual important stuff."
  • "Funny, I'm glad and sad that I'm finally away from uni when you tell me how things are going there...?"
  • "Today’s list- return video (try to find the one the guy’s borrowed), Gym, Red Cross thing (on my own now…let’s see what a crazy mess I can cause)
  • "See you in a few days"

GESTURES Anger, anger, anger. I can't believe I was used today and I thought Paco using me was bad, but then it turned to this Steve guy, and now Shravang. These boys better acknowledge me from now on, or I'll be pretty upset. I'll purposely ignore them and so forth, because what can you really do? Not much. Just hope good karma comes back to me.

UNI CLASSWORK Joey arrived early and I was sitting in the back with my laptop, feeling all cool for the first time by finally being brave enough to have it out. We talked until class started, Paco didn't show like I figured, and thankfully Steve did so I could have my coursebook back. All I wanted was my coursebook back, to thank Shravan, and to get maybe a few questions answered. Shravan asked, "Question, Jen?" and that made me smile since he wanted to help. Managed to avoid Shravang by leaving a bit early, something I haven't done here yet, so that also made me feel good, less stressed.

CULTURE It was so funny that I had to stop myself. We were talking about how the blinds stick (the one that closes the blinds) broke and I wanted to say, "Cheap made in China shit," by had to stop since Joey's Chinese. He he he.

GESTURES Dinner. Big flirt. Big, big flirt. James gave me that cheeky, flirty smile of his till I smiled and then said, "There's that smile!" Makes me feel good; I love male attention.

3 Hours and 30 minutes of work
30 cm; 11.8 in

Wednesday, 8 August 2007


AMERICAN HOME Last night I noticed that Jess had posted on a bunch of people's facebook walls, but not mine, which worried me that we were slipping away and that my only stable American relationship would be gone. But just as I was thinking that, literally, I received one from her, which lifted all that worry away. I will still have an American place when I return, thank god, and with my most fun and popular friend as well.

UNI RESIDENTS No Harry Potter book, but a relieving outing in the hot sun to stretch my sleepy legs, and a morning run in to James, who looked a little surprised to see me with my hair down I think.

An unsent portion of an email to Gaz:
I'm more relaxed now that my two group projects are over and no more, whatsoever. The presentation wasn't as bad as I thought, seeing as I'm so nervous when it comes to those things, because I know everyone minus two people in that subject. It's not hard when you're with the same people in all of your subjects, literally, and the school of business is small as is."

KNITTING Twenty centimeters so far, with another twenty or so minutes added onto my previous total. My hands ache, but my blanket looks great and so warm so far.

DISCOVERED No why John would invest in firm x and sell product y, I would rather create a room with artsy Polaroids and wall decals, something to inspire me. I would rather knit my blanket with aching hands, hoping that I can either give it to Gareth or someone else I love, while I loop and pull and stretch at the pretty blue yarn. My throat clogs up and jokes and spurts whenever I speak for a long period of time after three months of not talking or being overly social. Starting over is not fun as they make it seem in movies and books, and now I know how much it hurts when someone says they don't know anyone in their new home. Sneezes, and I hope that means Bear read my email with a smile.

UNI CLASSWORK Tired eyes want to keep closing and my brain aches as I try to choke down fiber. Don't want to fail and I want to prove to myself that I can excel in the Aussie schooling system.

Revision for Global Business was a little disappointing since Alex and May were nice, but Paco was dictating after a bit and I felt left out. Then I wanted to reach out to the Canadian, but I know she doesn't hold stuff like that, so we'll be fine. Why didn't I turn around when I heard her hang up on the mobile?

CULTURE Dindin. Dinnerdinner. People are incredibly rude and don't take others into consideration, but I'm just rude back and it never really hurt me. I just can't believe it! After a bunch of people cut in line for desert I decided to come back later to be met by Jesse (the stoned Brasserie worker) who asked, "to go?" exactly as I said, "take-away." The Aussie saying the American word and the American saying the Aussie word. How funny.

DAYS TILL CANBERRA: ten! (ahhhh!)

Tuesday, 7 August 2007


Aussie office workers are unprofessional and you must do most of their work for them. Think for them, basically.

Really sad thinking I may not get a visa to stay, but only because of the loudmouth, although he says himself there's a brain drain. All he said is I would need a sponsor, but there are other ways I'm sure.

IM/Text/Email I was downloading Hot Fuzz when I noticed the blue envelope with a "one", knowing it HAD to be him and it was when I clicked the preview. Although nothing special ran over me. I guess it doesn't when he frequently emails me and since the last email was only so-so.

I miss the cutesy flirting we did when he had internet at his sister's house, and not this public place, quickie stuff, but why am I complaining when he writes back fairly quick?

LIFE HERE Running around printing, emails, buying stamps, picking up my letter, and mailing the letter. Hands shaking for some unknown reason, wondering if I made an ass out of myself for their wrong doing, and getting cheerful goodbyes from the male post office worker and one of the cashiers.

Lately I've been going to pain with gas pains, building up inside of me, causing back pain, and not wanting to release itself. I wish my bathroom wasn't paper thin or else I wouldn't have these problems.

UNI CLASSWORK AND RESIDENTS I was the first arrive with Joey being the second, a very familiar scenario, and then that Chinese girl was the third. Half Chinese and half English for my benefit while talking across the room to Joey, and only their language when they were grouped together. I thought that was awfully polite and yet so rare to find.

Paco, the Canadian with the funky accent, joined us after Joey waved to him, to which he pulled up a chair close to me to start talking about how we have to meet up to study. He's a business man, keeps asking until you can't say no, and so Joey and I both said yes. Thankfully as well, considering that he surprised me with how much he knows and I don't think he's doing it to mooch off us anymore; or at least not as much. I noticed this as well- Joey and I can talk because we've been friendly from the start, but with Paco it's easier even though we don't know each other much because we're both North Americans. It's so hard with a language barrier.

Cheyngi, or some spelling of it, looked back at me again and I wonder if she's thinking what I'm thinking of how our quick friendship ended. But it was so difficult with the culture and language barrier and the fact our class grew, to which she could no longer sit by me. Hopefully I see her next semester though- she was so nice and it's always fun with more people.

The German kept demanding answers from our incredibly nice lecturer and that's when Paco told me the quote below, which made me smile and feel warm inside, even if it's from a Canadian with the whole "nice" stereotype.

I felt odd wanting to say hello to all my subject aquaintances, but I couldn't even smile because Paco kept talking and everyone was in a rush to get in. I want them to become friends and so I was disappointed until Victoria came in by us in the back and said, "Hello, Stranger!" May smiled that big smile when she caught my eye and Andrew helped me and Joey with the blinds, although I wish WE could be closer friends. We're friendly, but we don't totally go out of our way. One day I hope I see him and to strike up a conversation; I regret not really do it that much.

Extra tute was over and everyone was rushing their things together, out, and about while Paco told us that we'll meet Thursday and while Joey and I talked about how we should meet in the morning. I love this idea, I've never had a group study for a final before and so I hope this helps me out muchly. Great things is as well, I don't need to totally pass this final to pass the class and that takes a great lift off my shoulders, even though I will still do the best I can.

Slacked as much as I could to hopefully catch some people and say goodbye, but I was out, and too bad Andrew slacked too much. Ashnita was in front of me, but happened to look behind her, and exclaimed, "Hey!" She's always been very friendly, but not in a "let's hang out after class way", but that's still wonderful. We chatted as usual and that made me feel good being that I'm never too social.

ADVICE Next semester I will sit by those I know to ask about their holidays and talk to those I don't know about the subject.

"People say Americans are rude, but it's the Europeans that are rude."
"Thank you, you've just made my day!"
"Eh, I'm Canadian, you're American, we stick together. We think alike."

Memoir Bits (Trip 3)

Part Three

Graduate school finally came and there I was starting from scratch with barely any knowledge of the surrounding area, no friends, and no orientation week. My trip with Gareth six months prior was of use to me I discovered after a few days of being in my room with no food or internet, but knowing that I had a photo I took of the bus schedule I saw in December. A quick expensive call home with the name of the local bus line and an hour later I knew how to get back to the large shopping center in town.

Monday, 6 August 2007


Lucky thirteen I hope.

Woke up around 8:22, the famous one, kind of wanting to touch myself after a sexy daydream and when I tried to orgasm, my insides were raw, so I had to leave it be. What a shame.

Strange thing is, she was not on when I signed on, and a few short moments later I check back and she is. I'm ignoring of course, as if I care enough to do anything about. My only concern is why?

Lately I've taken a liking to drawing my arm to my chest in thoughtful thinking or resting just so I can push against my breast. I don't know why, I guess because I was never the kid to really look at her body and to touch.

UNI RESIDENTS Lunch at 10:45 was awkward, so I don't think I'll be staying to wait for my food again. Standing alone, but alone while others were standing alone as if we were trying to find comfort in each others' company while we waited and waited for the pasta to be cooked. I made the mistake, or maybe not, of putting my chocolate mousse on an empty table to look up as a guy was sitting down at the table, to which I had to politely turn around and find an excuse to move away. I was unsure of it I made a mistake, if he had already taken it, or if he was flirting. Either way, it was akward; I never know how to take advances.

Then the girl. I was standing by another table, which was sandwiched between me and a couch, while also held my mousse and water. The girl decided to sit at the couch and it was uncomfortable with me already facing the couch, waiting, and her sitting there. I was there first, so I stood my ground knowing she couldn't have been trying to be rude, but just joining in. Just used to the rude foreigners around here unfortunately; all these cultures mean people have different understandings and meanings of rudeness.

KNITTING Walking back I had a great idea, because I've realized that ideas come when I'm walking outside and not really thinking about anything in particular. Why not use the blue in a long strip, like a really thick scarf, and then when I run out of it, start on brown? That way I have long strips to "knit/sew" together to form a large blanket! So proud of my either creativity or knitting stupidity, but ran into the Norwegian while I was proud of myself with the usual smile and hello exchange we do.

IM/Text/Email Couldn't believe it. Walked in just at 11:11 and found a blue envelope with a "1" staring back at me, hoping it was him, and kind of knowing it was. I was right and this relief just ran over me and I smiled and ran to the library to print it out. It was a lucky thirteen!

My email to him was good, but I didn't put much heart into it after reading his blah one; I much prefer when he writes from his sister's house when he has time. Or maybe he's losing interest, don't know, and I doubt that.

"Hmm, I'll have to think of stuff to have fun with in Canberra- I guess Questacon's a must- have to think of food to (of course), there's a little korean place I've decided to make my occasional lunch place, so cheap and good at the same time (they've got a salmon dish too, but I guess the aim is to get grilled salmon, european style...I might go for a wander to find some, shouldn't be too hard).

He's bringing up Canberra on his own, without me saying anything remotely about it, and it came after "Okay, my jaw just hit the floor. I can't really ask for more (dead prez maybe- that's kind of out of left field isn't it)." I love how he keeps surprising me, considering Dead Prez is rap and he's not one to like anything remote to rap.

UNI CLASSWORK Half an hour early thinking I would have the theater to myself, but instead I was greeted by a mumble from the German. He asked me a pointless question he knew the answer to ten minutes later, why I don't know, and then asked me to watch his notebook (as in "laptop") ten minutes after that. One thing I've learned is how trusting people are with mere students in their subjects to watch their important belongings. Everyone does it. There's the mutual trust.

Joey and I were doing our usual questions back and forth until a Chinese girl walked in and I knew somehow that they knew each other. I find it awkward to talk a few rows in front of me when my voice carries and others can hear anyway. May walked in with her usual serious face and then smile after she said hello, followed by Adriana (that's the other woman who thought I was an Aussie, I found out), and then a loud chatter of just Chinese as the Aussies and Europeans were mostly gone. How do they survive here? Their culture is nothing like the Aussie one and they can't understand half of what happens...

It hurts to think I may never live here again, but only because of Gareth. I'll miss him like nothing else, my only true friend, although he'll still have Sam and that will only piss me off.

IM/Text/Email Joey sent me some texts, which is great considering Gareth supposedly doesn't have money to buy credit. Meh. I hope he's not lying to me, but then why would he- he's the one who texted first.

CULTURE How cute, Australia's getting it's first smartboards. I had those early high school days. God, it's like I'm in a baby country that is so behind and I'm the experienced, smart one who is frustrated with how ignorant they are.

Around 40 minutes of knitting

Around two hours total of knitting

I can't put it down, it lets me think, and I get lost in it.

Sunday, 5 August 2007


Woke up late, dreary, just in time to catch the clock at 11:09 and not miss 11:11, although I could only hopefully make a true wish as I was so tired and my brain was not alert yet. How, how, how does my brain wake me up at 11:09 each morning when I sleep in? I love that I'm able to make wishes still, despite sleeping in...and missing rage! I missed all the music videos again.

LIFE HERE The girl and I are bathroom buddies. We seem to go at the same time. We seem to wake up at the same time; me first and then her. I flush the toilet and twenty minutes later she is as well. Although, she wastes so much water and that bothers me and my environment-tree-hugging ways are coming back to me.

I'm taking more showers, conserving more water, eating better food now that the Brasserie is cooking, going for more walks, talking to more people in my subjects, and flossing. The big and little things, I'm changing my habits.

ADVICE "A watched pot never boils." In other words, "Something we wait for with impatient attention seems to take forever."

If you're down, take a walk. That's my advice to myself. It always work when I'm trying to wake up and get the worries of finals off my shoulder. Just walk, wearing a lacy-girly white dress while feeling the breeze and listening to music on your ipod. I was thinking, thinking about how good the sun feels and how much healthier I feel when I walk aimlessly around campus.

CULTURE "You have a Northern accent. That could either be the Chicago/Detroit/Cleveland/Buffalo accent (easily recognizable) or the Western New England accent that news networks go for."

IM/TEXT/EMAIL I kind of feel bad about Liz, but only because I miss having a close female friendship, although I figure Liz and I were never really on the same page. To her, I was a friend, but not as close as Gareth and I are. She changed once I moved back home and didn't think of me, never called, barely emailed, and thought we were still close. I don't know. I turned on MSN again to give her a chance, not caring either way, and she hasn't messaged me. No biggie, but that makes me want a close female friend. Not her, but another one.

Hours of messing with each other and she messages me while I'm gone and I'm embarrassed to say that I'm glad she did.

Lizbeth says (6:56 PM):
Hi Jen, I know it says you're away nut I just wanted to say hello cause I haven't spoken to you in ages.
jenny renee says (7:12 PM):
hey, how are you? yeah, my computer keeps doing that because i'm getting cross-eyed from studying and keep walking away from it.

She never responded and then was signed off an hour and a half later. Kind of hurt, just a pinge, but I shrugged it off considering I never really want to see her in person considering the awkwardness. And the talks? They're awkward to, as if we're testing each other out. All I can do is try again another time by being signed in first.

Kind of stole another milk crate, but only because I always almost trip over it in the dark, on the way to dinner, next to the laundry hut. Besides, doesn't it make a nice tacky-college-like shelf? I've never done that cheap college deal and it makes me feel good. But in a crafty way.

Just before I went to listen to my ipod I caught 11:11!

Found out Jessica, as in my sister Jessica, asked to come to Australia to see me graduate. Shocked, completely, because we were never close. But I told mom to tell her to start saving her money and then to come live with me a bit before I leave here. Free food and accommodation! I could pick her up in Sydney and she'll have it made.

READING: Bush Oranges

Saturday, 4 August 2007


Just couldn't get myself out of bed, but somehow I woke up around 11:11, which I somehow always do if I sleep in. I tried, I tried to push myself out, but each time I would drift back to dream. I think it was the dreams.

I'm doing better talking to people, but I still do the nervous giggle thing that must make them think I'm somewhat of an airhead.

It's so strange. Just today I was thinking how weird it would be if Christina emailed me and our common room couch was returned...only to have both happen. How in the world?

LIFE HERE "WOW, that was goooooddd...." I sighed as I finished my first taste of ice cream in over three months. THREE MONTHS. Did the girl at the IGA recognize me? I think so!

Reading others' journals about feeling out of place and wanting home in comforting in two different ways. One, I'm not the only one that feels that way. Two, I seem to be of a rare kind that thrives on the differences.

Living here has disadvantages. No Marc's or equivalent to get quality stuff for cheaper. No Giant Eagle for twenty-four hour grocery needs. No Best Buy with extended warranties for electronics. No car means not being able to drive to the local store whenever, which means I can't do crafty things when I have the urge or inspiration.

Find myself randomly finding excuses and urges to go to the library and get food just so I can be social. I'm losing my skills, my mind, my sanity, my health. I wish Gaz were here like in Bathurst so I had someone to talk to every day and all day. Need to find a suitable substitute, a room buddy of sorts. Problem is, I'm not living in a huge dorm and people aren't like that here. It was just Gareth, who lived in my room, they didn't even do that in Hargraves.

BEST FRIEND I've been negative again and I think it's because it's been (a whole) three days since I've heard from Gaz. I keep daydreaming about me telling him, trying to guilt him, how I'll move to Florida and hopefully find new friends and a boy to love me. I write way too much about it, but then again, if I had any other close friends I would be doing the same about them as well. And yes, there's the feeling issue for him. I still would be his if he asked me, not that I THINK that he would. That's the difference this time.

Gareth and you are okay, so shut up.
Gareth will email probably on Monday, so shut up.

Fourteen days and then you have three weeks of living with Gaz, sleeping in his bed again (!), going out for dinner or breakfast or lunch, touring the city, and visiting museums. Maybe picnics and the sort. It's the little things and you will have three weeks of it.

Then that will give you the strength to continue on for another semester before you get to see him again. Another semester that will bring new people, which may mean new friends. Just join a club, please.

Meeting him has been the best thing to happen, and we both remember how it happened. I love how he still remembers and when he retells the story of how he made the move. It feels like a "how we met" story between to lovers, that's how special it is.

" I have found my best friend who I recently discovered was my other half.
I missed her so much and am beyond happy now that we've found each other again.
She is my unlikely other half. We live across the country from each other and have been friends for four years until we lost contact and found it again recently.

We both felt extreme depression during the time we lost contact. I know mine was because of how lonely I felt, even with the love of my boy. I was lacking the friendship I had once had with her. It took a lot of searching to find an address to send a letter to and once I did, it was returned open with stamps I mailed her stolen. I mailed it to one of the other three addresses I had and she was found. Now all I want to do is talk to her. I'm writing letters like crazy using up stamps mailing them all. I just have missed her so much and want to be back in her life and have her back in mine.

You, or maybe just me, would have thought my boy would be my other half. I love him to death and never want to be without him but I am pretty sure the saddness I felt from losing him might be cured in time. The saddness I felt from losing her dragged and never left completely. I already lost one best friend. I can't lose this one. I will work my hardest to keep us from becoming lost to each other again."

Mom and I realized how lucky I am to have met Gareth and how rare it is to meet someone you click with and stay with!

READING: Bush Oranges

Friday, 3 August 2007

Entry TEN

LIFE HERE Checked my mail for The Deathly Hallows and ran into that woman again, the one that thought I am an Australian. I don't know her name or even where she comes from, but we act like we know each other and just talk. This time was about Economics and if we did the sample exam yet.

GESTURES This has inspired me to send a postcard from Australia, considering they are Ohioans. I think that's a beautiful idea of her's and would love to help out since mom had cancer. Well, even regardless. This is not for selfish reasons and I'm proud of myself.

BEST FRIEND hasn't emailed me this morning despite all the good signs, but I shrugged it off knowing that it will always be okay. I'm not worried yet again. I emailed him the latest list of songs I got him, all proud that I managed to download 115 songs in a mere two days.

I was in the bathroom reading Franny and Zooey when I realized that he's the only friend that knows basically all of my weaknesses. He's the only friend who truly knows me, even what I don't tell him. I feel so exposed, but happy as well.

ADVICE listen to mom more often. I was walking home from the Lakeside Grille realizing how socially hurtful it would be if I hadn't met who convinced me that you can get takeaway. If only I listened to mom earlier when she said that I could just leave with my food to my room. I guess, lesson learned, on top of that is that we can make our own rules. Just do it. Do what Stephen does, that annoying guy in class, and just push and get your way regardless.

READING just finished Franny and Zooey, which was basically a waste of time. I loved Franny's part because I could relate to it (fights with Gareth), but Zooey's part was way too long and all about Jesus.

DAYS TILL CANBERRA: fifteen days
READING: Bush Oranges

Thursday, 2 August 2007

To do after Canberra

Hopefully I will have many artistic, worthy photos to stick on my wall in a similar fashion. I want to make my room...MINE. I want to make it inspirational and pretty and reflective of me.

I also want to try to do a double photo as such, with two similar, and yet contrasting photos. I want to be more artistic with my photos I will take in Canberra.

Entry NINE

Feeling like a little girl
makes me happy
and carefree
even though i don't like when
people mistake my age.

UNI RESIDENTS How can that guy smile? I first saw him my scary first week, before all the Aussies and like were back, and so the brasserie was near empty. He ate my himself, another girl with dark hair and a mean look ate by herself, and I ate by myself. I wanted to walk up to him and say hi, but that's too awkward. For some reason I thought he was American. Wavy hair, glasses, lanky, geeky-ish, and always a smile on his face. What attracted me to him was the fact that he was always alone when I saw him, and yet he smiled. I wanted to be comfortable like that. He serves as a reminder to take this all in with a smile.

I just saw him pass him, slowly walking, with a big smile on his face, as he passed through the Cerum Theatre.

LIFE HERE Slowly I am getting there with almost all of the food personnel here. The women at least. So the short haired, redhead, tom boy that usually works at the Lakeside Grille in the morning? Sometimes she's snarky, can't be bothered if she doesn't know you, and won't go out of her way to say hello or crack a smile. But I've been working on her.

This afternoon I decided to go to the Brasserie for lunch, short, little me behind the tall counter just waiting for one of them to notice me waiting to give my meal card. She noticed, walked over and said, "You're so little, I didn't notice you!" So cute. Then she said, "Thanks, sweets" when I thanked her for my meal ticket.

Stood there and I got the older woman, the newer one, to serve me. She's not bad, but sometimes she can be in a bad mood, but regardless she's not very overly friendly. This time she was and she joked with me, all smiley.

BEST FRIEND where are you?
two sneezes.
two hiccups.
catching 11:11.
so why no email?

Wednesday, 1 August 2007


  • of or befitting a lord; "heir to a lordly fortune"; "of august lineage"
  • the month following July and preceding September
  • profoundly honored; "revered holy men"

Something got me out of bed, even though I wasn't reseted enough, and I went through my usual ritual. Force myself out of bed, try to detach my contacts by blinking, and then check email as my eyes start to focus and uncloud. There were four emails, but none from Gaz. Just as I went to close my browser, his name popped up and I promptly went to read it. Although it wasn't very loving, as if he was in a bad mood, I was still satisfied nonetheless. Hearing from him makes me happy, reminds me I have a friend somewhere, someone to listen to me.

GROWN UP Thankfully I like to be over-prepared and planned on the fact I may need dressier clothes as a business major. And so today I felt like a grown up, breaking out my black dress pants, and wearing clanky heels. They went clank-clank-clank or thud-thud-thud depending on what surface I was walking on. I went faster to make myself feel and sound more important as I clanked and thudded past strangers. How is it that dressing more important makes you feel more important? I felt so fake, stumbling at first in my heels, but eventually I came to love the change out of my usual jeans.

My student ID was still not working, so feeling like a grown up made me walk over to admin to explain that I couldn't put printing credit on it and that I needed a new one. She thought I was a study abroad student, kind of insulted me, but I guess that's normal in an international based uni. Speaking of, I got a credit for accounting!

UNI RESIDENTS "Mornin'" a shirtless guy in bungalow two said to me. It's not normal for them to speak to me, those party boys, but then again I never give them a reason. I always feel insecure, unwanted, and abnormal amongst them.

More clanking of me heels to lunch and passed Joey without even realizing until I heard a, "Hello, Jen!" Turned to see Joey waving at me with this huge smile on his face. We got to chit-chatting as to why I was dressed up and he wished me luck as we parted. He's my cute personality-wise Chinese friend. My first Chinese friend as well.

"Thanks, doll" said the tomboy Lakeside Grille girl. I love the pet names girls say here to each other. I just LOVE it. It makes you feel special, apart of some group, and loved.

Had this energy because of my pending presentation and the fact I felt important in my heels, as well as many run ins. After Joey came that girl from economics that thought I was Australian, who made a point of turning around and saying hello. Then came the Norwegian when we said hello loudly to each other at the same time as I passed her bungalow.

Two-thirty exactly I arrived at the library for our last meeting. Stephen ran though it quickly and then left us to work while he went to talk someone to death. Chris and I were working alone in the group meeting room when the South African, James/Mike (he goes by either), found us to say hello. "Where's the other American?" he asked about Arthur. "Who?" asked Chris. "He's probably off looking for oil," James joked while I smiled. Those two got to talking about going out that night for postgrad drinks which lead to them asking if I was going. They invited me, but I was scared, so I said yes but kind of blew it off. This time in Australia I'm not so brave for some reason. Maybe because I'm not ignorant or I don't NEED to latch on or go crazy. I'm not sure what it is. I wanted to go with them, but I was afraid they were just making small talk.

Chris chatted me up while we went downstairs about where I got my undergrad and my accent, as if to flirt, but I don't know anymore. I just shrug it off anymore.

UNI CLASSWORK Went to class to find Stephen pissing off Ashnita by badmouthing Fijians while she tried her best to defend her people- so it's not just Americans he pisses off. "You just had to ask," James smiled as he moved his backpack so I could sit down next to him and Ashnita, accross from Stephen.

James and Ashnita helped me to say "Foster's" correctly and James confessed that it's not just my accent that gets mocked, that his is every day. Although we're not close, we do talk and we do say hi to each other, and I enjoy when he helps me out. One little line can help. He has a way with words. He's a charmer, that boy.

"Remember 'Foster's,'" Ashnita whispered after Stephen pushed his way up from to let us go first after many protested and lost. I ended up choking, but it wasn't too bad, and no one mentioned it, so I felt better after it was over. In all, I learned to have confidence. To practice again, like I used to before I came here. I can do it. Just speak and don't make direct eye contact. I can do it next time and now this is over! If I want to do a masters, I will have many presentations to go and I know I can do it.

During the break I came to the stairway to walk back up with the Canadian, Gillian, behind me from bellow. She talked first, as usual. We were talking about heels and how fake we felt, like we were in our mom's clothes. I love talking to her, she's always so happy and nice, and her accent is, well, like mine! "Doesn't it feel good to be over?" she asked. She always knows what to say and we continued our talk outside the classroom. She was telling me how she's bad at presentations and how she left the room during one once, while I reassured her she was a professional and did so well.

For the first time I heard the famous Canadian "about"! Abooot. It stuck out so well and made me smile.

The second to last class for Global Business and we were all in high spirits, talking to anyone, and smiling, having fun. I clanked on my way home, so glad my week of classes was over, with only revision left.