Entry EIGHTY

It's Halloween and there's no Halloween fun in Australia.

BEST FRIEND Gaz didn't email me today, so I won't be talking to him anymore. I just can't stop talking to the best friend I've had for almost three years, I don't want to, but I'm tired of being used. It's too difficult. Without him I won't have much. But if he seriously doesn't email me by the end of the week, I'm calling next week about my money. It's going to be hard to do and not know what to say, but I may have to.

UNI RESIDENTS I purposely waited outside the classroom Peter had his first tute in to ignore those walking past as I read. Not sure the reason, but it just felt right after half of them ignored me during my presentation. Even Analisa didn't say something as I sat reading and so I ignored her as well. I just give back what I get. There's no point in making an effort anymore with people in that class, none of which I will see again.

The redhead at the Brasserie was especially talkative today and I love that. I love how we get to "how are you?" when that's a greeting for only those they know and like.


IM/Text/Email/Post/Call "Yay beanie! I wish hair grew overnight though...."

I cried and actually really sucked in crying for the first time since I left in Canberra because I was getting ready to nicely tell him to fuck off after receiving an unloving email again. Yes, long, but only exclamation marks for him. Nothing exciting about my life. So instead I snuck in my disgust in the middle with the Guy saga and will see how he reacts. If not the way I want, then that's it.

But really, can I do that?

Entry SEVENTY-NINE

UNI CLASSWORK I'm not phased by it, which is good. I just wish I didn't stumble as much, although I don't think it was that bad. I didn't feel nervous, but I think I showed it. Speed talking automatically assumes that, right? But I smiled a lot and hopefully it looked like enthusiasm as well. Best part? Two more to go and it's not an hour...but only 15 minutes! How easy is that? But I don't feel bothered by it!

Im/Text/Email/Post/Call Elaine called, all frantic because she got 75 percent, yet when I have a problem she fucking brushes me off. I was in class, and here she was frantically calling and texting...

Why does Ivette always ask if I'm sticking around?
Why did the Brasserie woman who never does give me an odd look?

Entry SEVENTY-EIGHT

CULTURE The Chinese are an odd bunch to me. They are impatient when they want to be served, calling out to people even when they're not finished with the other person. And yet they take their time to gaze at the food in an "I don't know what it is" manner while it's their turn. They actually thanked me today after I tried to get her to go and she didn't get it, so I said, "I'll just go."

BEST FRIEND I was expecting him to email and he did. Although I was hoping it was shorter and involved "hiya" to make pushing him away easier. He called me Bip, but otherwise I didn't like his email. What's new? So mine was very unloving as well and I finally told him about the new NZ progress with how Elaine wants to go.

Entry SEVENTY-SEVEN

BUDDHISM is luck apart of Buddhism? I saw two lady bugs, and one landed one me. Scores of butterflies flew around me. It was beautiful. I was smiling looking around and I probably looked really strange doing so, but it was too pretty not to do so.

BEST FRIEND Trying to study I just couldn't. I started crying thinking about how Gareth doesn't support me. He hasn't visited me yet or at least said he couldn't, only that initial and after remark. But when I asked last week if he meant the Gold Coast? No response. So whatever, I need to ween myself off of him. If his (possible) email on Monday is not to my liking, that's it. I'll send his beanie, but that's it. No more depending on him to only have him rip my heart out by never visiting me before I leave. That just shows he won't come to America. So fuck it. That's why the push for New Zealand. To make myself do something without depending on him.

LIFE HERE is pretty now with butterflies swirling around me and a bee coming right to my fast like in the movies and just drifting and buzzing in mid-air as if looking at me before buzzing away. It's so enchanting.

WELLBEING Right now I think I shouldn't be in your life with all the feelings of sadness I just can't get rid of. It's been almost a year since I came here and went through that hell, and I still just can't get over all the hurt I've experienced over the last two years. So I wanted you to know now. I guess I always felt like nothing to you, despite you claiming otherwise, and I see no point in going through all this several times a year with us arguing over this. And I don't think you intend on visiting me while I'm here, which means I won't be seeing you once I'm at home, so it's probably best anyway just to do it now so I don't go through the whole Bathurst episode again.
Thanks for all the happy times,
Jen


I don't know how we got on the subject considering I didn't want to talk about it, but we were talking about how it feels like Gaz uses me. But does he really anymore? He's finally giving me more attention. It's just meeting Sam...but she came to him, and the fact that he hasn't said recently how he's coming up here. So solution? I'm giving him until the time I leave to come see me. If not, fuck him.

TRAVEL Elaine's going to try to come to New Zealand with me! She loves the idea of how it's a powerful trip, my first without him.

Entry SEVENTY-SIX

UNI CLASSWORK it was a means to get out of the room, but I was also motivated by the realization that our mid-term exam is in just over a week. So at 11pm I went to the second floor of the Uni Centre to study by speaking outloud and repeatedly going over the same chapters, making my voice ache (still) after two hours of studying in such way. I've discovered that I study better not in a library or in my room, but outside when it's sunny. I had the view of the lake and it was shimmering and gorgeous in itself.


UNI RESIDENTS The Brasserie woman I like looked surprise I was getting "for here" and I took a leap and got nachos, knowing the noise would drown out my crunching anyway. And so Elaine arrived and we ate, while she discussed a Canadian she met who is already give her "gifts" after knowing her for only a couple of weeks. Her solution? To invite me along next time when they have dinner, as if to say she's not interested that way. The Chinese have a way of being sneaky and not asking, but doing stuff this way intentionally to get what they want. At times I feel like she's using me, because I'm constantly doing what she wants. She doesn't want to shop alone, so she asks me. She doesn't want to eat alone, so she asks me. She wants to get rid of a guy, so she invites me.

We went to get our dessert and she tried again to flirt with James, but he gave her a cold face, but then smiled at me. I asked for a water and he gave me that cute, snarky, joking look. "What? You have no chocolate cake!"

Outside we sat while we watched a wedding reception out on the lawn, chatting and eating our "dessert". Jillian walked by, glad was I to have her see me with a friend, and she asked, "Want to crash a wedding later?" "How did she say the same you said?" Elaine asked. Well, I guess Americans were influenced by the Wedding Crashers? When Jillian came back I told her she just missed the wine and we laughed.

It feels good, like a community, to have people know you. It's warm inside to not feel alone. To feel like you belong.

Entry SEVENTY-FIVE

My body woke me up at 8am even though I set two alarms for 6am, to which I gathered my laundry and set out to the library to print Bear's email. On the way back I heard, "Jennifer!" which did scare me and I reacted, and there I was following and unsure if I should. Her smile left, but I don't understand why. I automatically sat with her and she offered me toast. I don't like how sharing easterners are. I just don't like it. I'm not used to it. It's bad enough eating in front of her, because I only like to eat in front of those I'm comfortable with.

DISCOVERED The conversation was easy enough, but I noticed I'm not as happy when I first see someone, even if I am and they must take me to be moody. I must change that initial uncomfortable feeling I probably give out. CULTURE I even turned down the muffin. In eastern culture "no" must mean yes, because she won't take no for an answer...until this time.

I started to say, "I have to..." and paused, which she took as me saying I had to go. After convinving her it wasn't true, she shared her orange juice with me (for liquid- I find that girls who share saliva for the first time overcome a milestone). It's sort of like saying, I'm good enough friends with you to share a part of me and know you won't mind either.

I tried napping only to stay awake dreaming of the day Gaz will come to America and I will be picking him up from the airport, driving him home. Tiger wasn't in it though. I love my baby to death, but I also realize that she's already so old. In this daydream of sorts I had an orange cat named Weasley.

Instead I went outside to study in the sun, with the large, brown table hidden on the second floor of the uni centre, overlooking the lake. The medicine faculty was outside blasting music to attract attention to the fact they were selling tickets, so it was great to listen to some good dance music. Moved my foot back and forth, smiled in the bright blue sky.

UNI CLASSWORK Elaine texted me per my offer to study marketing together, so we met at 3pm. She was on the phone and made no indication of getting off, so I mouthed I would be back and went upstairs to read Gaz. Eventually we made it to the study room where she chose to study alone, another characteristic that makes me wonder how the Easterners work. Why do a group study and yet work alone? She then questioned my view of Multiple Choice saying it was different because in China they choose two answers. Don't they get that their culture doesn't automatically work that way in another country? She finally believed me.

It poured and I had my camera, so we were taking photos while giggling and people smiled and watched. Did I mind? Nah. They don't know me and I was having fun. I've learned to let go of that fear. We laughed, talked, and she invited me to tea next week.

IM/Text/Email/Post/Call Got back to my room and received a second email for the day to which I literally went "err!" to because I just got back from printing the first. But this was different, as he was calling out for help to me.

Damn...I'm a whisker away from admitting defeat and heading back to Newcastle...till the end of the year anyway...this is shit...maybe it's not so bad up there.

My nerves got to me for some reason as I clicked his name and he must've been surprised to see me calling, and he gave me a cheery, "Hiya!". "So, what's up?" And he knew I was talking about the email. I asked him questions, I was interested in helping, and I wanted to make him feel good. 40 minutes. He kept it going by asking how my weekend will go (aw). He asked if I'm alright myself (aw!). And then when I asked him when he thinks he'll leave if he does, "Did you send the package yet?" "The beanie?" "Yeah" "No because I wasn't sure if you wanted it now and which address." He wants it now! He does like it. He does like gifts.

Now I worry. Did he appreciate it? Did he sound sad? But why worry any more, because I was calling for him, doing him a favor, and he knows it. He even tried continuing it on. And after I reply tonight, he will reply happily. He won't ignore me.

Entry SEVENTY-FOUR

BEST FRIEND should make you feel better, which he did. I finally read his whole email today and I'm glad I did; I was afraid of snarkiness back. Or a short email, because I just don't like those, although I understand he has less to write about. What made me feel better? His words on Thomas, and calling him an asshole, and how he didn't seem to take the James thing the wrong way (if he can talk about Sam, I can talk about my crush on James). But more importantly how he didn't take New Zealand the wrong way, he mentioned how he wants to come up here (but not straight out, so who knows for sure), and he called his beanie "amazing".

• The beanie is amazing! You got it finished so quickly...and don't worry, it's not too bright. I like the lines.
• I think you going to have to call him Tom from now on after that...or adolf maybe, inconsiderate bastard [...].
  
• [...] I should try to spend as little as possible from now...it's no fun walking the same old streets every day (don't want to sit around the house...), am tempted just to use what I've got to get on a plane, and worry about the staying alive part when I get there even if it is just a couple of hours up north (all a need is a place to chuck all of my crap...hmm, garage sale?).
• I got the package by the way...it's pure sugar! [...] so not much going on really...I'm thinking about escaping up there if I can...

Four minutes after he sent it, I found another email! Yay. I hiccuped before, not thinking much of it, until I saw the blue envelope with the one. Could it be Gaz? No, it couldn't be because I didn't reply to his last email yet. But it was him and I giggled and I giggled some more at how loving he was.

• Hi Jenny penny
• (and I know you agree...especially when it's six dollars in the long run and I probably wouldn't even find the books I want in the end).
• (have you seen a history of violence? Eastern Promises is by the same guy).
• I've decided to grow crazy tree hugging hair and fancy facial hair to make proper use of your beanie [...].
• I wish I had a digital, you still haven't seen the tattoo yet...it's still not finished!
• Saw Inside Paris (the movie) the other day...hmm, disappointed...don't think you'd like it too much.
• Anyway, give every german a kick in the balls for me (provide thay have them), and slap any stupid asian girls...it'll make me happy!
• Hope work isn't so shit this time round...can you work in a group of one?
• Please have a spoonful of congee and sausage (even if you have to vomit it up on the person serving it).

BUDDHISM Is the Buddhism changing me? All of a sudden I'm going to freerice.com daily (trying not to forget on some days) and everytime I knit I think about how I could donate to an organization (which I will once I get more yarn!).

UNI CLASSWORK class was okay as I had my laptop and Elaine was talking to me so I didn't see him walk in; it's Franzi all over again. Although this is different because he wasn't a friend and he caused this. He told the Aussie next to him that he's not well because he group kicked him out (I didn't hear the whole conversation, or what he said exactly) and I couldn't believe he's doing that, spreading it and it has to make him look stupid. Why else would he be kicked out? And he had the chance to come back, so why moan like a woman still? Although I know how he feels, hence why I tried to petition for him, but that's in the past. I tried, and I tried, and I lost.

The German next to me said he would've done the same thing and that made me feel better. Throughout class I was actually able to listen better by not looking at him, out of spite, and writing everything he said instead. Why look at Kale when he was accusing to me when I was mostly in the right, considering it was Elaine's doing? I wonder if he noticed. I even yawned several times and gave semi-nasty looks, so he had to have noticed.

Joey waved by and Elaine and I walked out, but it wasn't the usual pep because the bastard was behind us being loud. I can't think with loud German. Was he talking about us? Probably. Do I care? Honestly, no. I won't see them again, those semester study abroaders. Elaine wanted Lakeside, I don't, so I told her Brasserie and we split (she told me to call anytime to check the China presentation with her).

Passing to my room Jillian and I crossed paths and she told me right away they were still cleaning my room. See? Nice. I stood looking at the door for no reason, for fifteen minutes, showing I have patience, when I realized that entrance was temporarily blocked and the others were open. The Brasserie woman I like knew take-away, making me feel special.

Entry SEVENTY-THREE

Why is conversation with Peter Meggitt so easy?
And why can't Melissa and I get further?

IM/Text/Email/Post/Call 18 minutes after he sent it, I found his email. I wasn't expecting one because I got a little snarky about him not being there for me to call (in other words, how Sam knew he was in Orange and I didn't) and then about how I'm going to New Zealand (since he got to see Sam-- who did come to him --and he hasn't said anything about seeing me).

UNI RESIDENTS She sat right next to me and we talked a bit before she got her paper and she got distracted. Her English is excellent but I don't know how to get beyond to more personal things.

Lunch was nice; I have to continue where I left off with being friendly with the short blond who tends to trip me up at times, asking if I want a cup, and I don't expect it since the others always give me one. I had my first short conversation with the curly red-head about weird combinations and I want to do that with others; but not all of them recognize me or have a sense of humor.

BUDDHISM I hope it doesn't reflect badly on homosexuality? I know Catholicism does, and I don't listen, but can I switch over if it does? But why Buddhism? I never was happy with being catholic after I got out of St. Williams. I hated church. Nuns were mean and strict. Women were taught to be nothing. We didn't have rights I believed in. I first considered Buddhism after Lisa from the Simpsons joined (silly, but I loved the easy going beliefs depicted) and after Ellis taught it in our Intercultural class last year, but it wasn't until now that I've really done it. After seeing people online practising, I realized that I have similar ways already. I believe everything happens for a reason. Yoga calms me. It just seemed to fit. That and I want to try something new, be different, seem different. I want to go home feeling new.

Entry SEVENTY-TWO

UNI CLASSWORK class was pleasant because of the social aspect and the fact Peter finally recognized the fact I read the chapter (I used to, but now I go ahead and answer his questions the night before). Anna was involving me in her talk, wouldn't stop smiling and talking to me before class, and it just feels good to be noticed like so. Talking, laughing, smiling. We exchanged mouthing words thoughout, as well as with the other Anna(belle). People who don't even know my name are nice and I enjoy that; it feels good.

Jillian's pretty nice after all. At least when others are not around her, begging for her attention. I ran into her on the porch and we had a nice short chat. She's not bad at all.

BUDDHISM today is the day I started "converting" over so to speak, but it kind of scares me considering I've been a catholic...although I still question it. And so I'm reading my Buddhism book, highlighting, and hoping I'm doing this for me and not the fact I'm trying to be exotic. The whole Aussie thing isn't doing it anymore.

I finished a third of it all today! It took about
three days total, I believe. So easy and turned out fine.
I love looking at it. So now I've almost finished a scarf,
almost finished an afghan, and I've finished a beanie.

Entry SEVENTY-ONE

UNI CLASSWORK The asshole German decided to argue with me in front of everyone, but I kept my cool. We did a great presentation and I was even able to answer the lecturer's question (yay!), but at the end Elaine changed her mind. So again those two were arguing and I came in when the professor said we were also at fault for not coming to him sooner. But how could we be a tattle-tale and not give the German the benefit of the doubt? So what bothers me is that this is the "real world" according to the professor and if this happened otherwise, we would be fired or we would get a zero. He said it wouldn't affect our grade, but why then make a public announcement about the firing like that? Unprofessional- keep personal stuff to the group.

Calming down a bit, he wasn't taking sides, but it seemed like he was was just doing an overview. And he maybe seemed to take it that we had done the work, the German didn't, and that was that. I don't think he was aiming to hurt us, but he didn't know what to believe?

What I learned:
-Be more assertive if someone is not doing their work, from the start

BEST FRIEND is missing. I'm too stressed to care. What an asshole. I've decided to ignore him and not act controlling. Let's see how long that goes for.

I had a gut feeling not to email him and an hour later he emailed me. I don't know anymore. It was nice (he even called me Gen!), but I wish he hadn't seen Sam and Katie. Whatever, I've gotten back by telling him I've decided to go to New Zealand since those girls have visited him and he hasn't come to see me yet (even though he said he would once he has the money). Jealously. Sam, bitch. Good thing is, Katie was with her so no one-on-one!

Entry SEVENTY

Good morning Melissa,
For you and Jenny, now not until Tuesday week, 30 October
Only the differences and similarities on ONE PPT slide.
Have a relaxing Sunday. I hope it rains.Both of your case studies were first class.
See you Tuesday.
Best wishes,
Peter Meggitt

-----Original Message-----
From: shan-shan yang
Sent: Sat 10/20/2007 10:58 PM
To: Peter Meggitt
Subject: some questions about the presentation

Hi Peter,
I wonder when the presentation will be presented? Next Tuesday or Wednesday?
Do we need to talk about the theory or only present the differences and similarities?

regards,
Melissa

BEST FRIEND Then if felt great reading that (thank you Melissa and thank you intuition for checking), that I danced and felt relieved and smiled, only to hiccup and think that Gaz just may be thinking of me. You know how he said his friends knew of me as "Gareth's best friend"? It must be true because sneaking peeks at his emails found Guy, Sam, and Lou (and Tilly?) all mentioning me and my name.

WELLBEING 20/20 was on ABC and I thought I'd watch since Aussies love to bash the American health system. I wanted something to say next time it happens and this is what I should be doing regularly, watching news shows and reading magazines and newspapers so I can argue back.

Good things about our healthcare system:

-shorter wait time (no supply and demand driving wait time up)

-competition, so more innovation and incentives

-no one taking advantage (since it's not free)

-world leaders come here since our healthcare is so advanced

UNICLASSWORK It just worked for me, somehow and I'm hoping it continues the way I want. While waiting for him, for twenty-five minutes, I saw the crystal, light-blue color of the fountain and developed an urge to swim. Called Elaine, told her how Thomas didn't show up, so we agreed to make him present then. On the way back, feeling so much freer with this and the communication news, I looked to find that Adam had Emlily Guynn as a friend on facebook, a girl I haven't seen since junior high, how was so uncool. Now, with almost 300 friends, she seems to be fine. It's funny how much our lives change. Me, so shy, and here I am in Australia with the greatest best friend. But I also learned that anyone can have a boyfriend...if they lower their standards, that is. Jen ;)

Nine hours later of straight Elaine and working on our paper, her endlessly going over what's already been completed, I hope I've had enough to practice. Yes, that's right, we're giving it now that she sent a threatening email to Thomas. So he's out. I'm pissed she did that, but she's right, why give him any credit?

I'm hoping Gaz hasn't emailed since Thursday since he did go to Orange to his brother's and his sister now dropped him off at his place. I'm wishing. A sneeze and hiccup later, I feel better.

Entry SIXTY-NINE

Where's Bear? I miss him. I woke up and worked really hard on fixing this project, something that felt good, but my part of the presentation is still bothering me. What bothers me is being afraid of presenting the wrong stuff.

As written to Bear:
"I'm just upset...upset enough to puke and get other lovely effects. Thanks for reading that :)

Anyway, while I was working on my paper two ants bit me at once, so I got revenge! Screw being nice, it's been two weeks and they're only getting worse. So I used blu-tak and blocked their asses from coming in (and well, out...but I'll fix that problem later somehow). "

My fear of presenting the wrong stuff lead to an afternoon and thankfully fixing my mistakes, after I went back and read the book and his outline. It pays so start early, but it also means not assuming you're finished and that you did the correct thing. I feel better, but I'm still stressed and nervous. And I want to talk to Bear, but he's missing. I even went off on Elaine who called (she does this: emails me, doesn't hear from me in ten minutes, it eats at her, and then she texts me to call her...instead of her just calling me!). She was accusing me of being wrong, so I was like, fuck Chinese culture. I went off on her. I told her how I'm tired of fixing mistakes, how I've been doing this for five years and never seen her referencing, and how I have to do my other presentation just like she has to study. Funnily enough, it didn't make her made. She felt better by the end of the call.

After a day of working and hiding because Jillian and Matt were outside (as always around 5:30, learn that Jen!), I went to get dinner to go first by a boy even though he was first, make James smile and roll his eyes ("Perfect!" I said after he took his time to nicely wrap my dinner), and have a girl make a point of opening the door for me. Aw!

Entry SIXTY-EIGHT

UNI CLASSWORK Woke up at 3am because I went to bed early enough for it. Finished my communication paper and it felt great to just walk over to the humanities building and turn it in. On the lift up my heart was beating so fast because it was my first time, but then I felt better once I walked down the hall and spotted the cover sheet pile. I made one up and the woman at the desk was pretty nice. They're so professional here: giving me a receipt!

I don't have time, as as written to Gaz:

"So while most were out getting drunk and dancing, I fell asleep around 9pm after successfully not taking a nap that day (for the first time in weeks). I woke up around 3am and couldn't go back to sleep since I went to bed so early, and I ended up eating my chocolate cake and watching more documentaries on google video (on American prisons and the history of hacking). After four hours of successfully procrastinating, I ate a massive bowl of cereal, completed my last minute revisions for my communication paper on China, and then turned it in to turnitin.com. Then walked down to the humanities building for the first time and got scared at first. Why do big universities get so impersonal? The whole making a coversheet, turning your paper into reception, and then having her give you a receipt. I'm used to Lake Erie, which is the same size as Bond, just having us turn our papers into the professor the day of class (and him/her knowing each of our names).

Saturday made me so sick that I was throwing up. The night before the Thomas ("not Tom," he lectured me!), and Elaine were going at each other and fighting over the stupidest things about our presentation. Elaine wanted one powerpoint design, but Thomas wanted another, and then they were threatening each other...I've never seen anything quite like it. After I tried my best to settle that, then Elaine turned to me and was lecturing me on the size of my font of my powerpoint...she was nitpicking everything and she's never done a presentation in her life. Again, I tried my best not to get mean in anyway, but it was so hard and I ended up just not talking at all and letting them go at each other.

Now I'm in charge of putting together the paper (neither of them did theirs correctly), telling Thomas that Elaine called last night to say she wants her powerpoint after all (She actually called me at 11pm and asked me to tell Thomas to change to her design, because she doesn't want to tell him!), and fixing their citations and referencing because neither know how to do it. Meanwhile, I have to worry about my speech for China on Tuesday. All this because Elaine says she's too busy to meet us Sunday...and yet she's not too busy to call me about what she wants Thomas to change and to make up new powerpoints.

Did I ever tell you that I shouldn't be in business? That I've just wasted five years of my academic life studying international business?"



At the end though, I got to flirt with James and it was so much fun. He was standing at the dessert bar bored, and I walked over as always to get my dessert right away, not really looking at him after the odd look he gave me on my birthday. But he asked me what was up, we talked about our classes, and it was fun. We've done this before, but it's been a few weeks, and so it was so nice. Elaine tried to flirt as well when she joined us, but James kept his attention on me. It felt great, I love flirting with him.

Entry SIXTY-SEVEN

For the first time I'm so worried that I'm not even feeling it yet.
Why has the German fucked us over?
Why didn't I finish the presentation and paper earlier?


UNI CLASSWORK As written to Gaz: "So it's Thursday/Friday and it's the usually uni debacle. At this point I'm freaking out- the German told us yesterday that he didn't do his part and we have the paper and presentation due on Monday. Um, I was so upset (not angry, but incredibly frustrated and disappointed) that all I could do was smile. Elaine and I talked and if he doesn't have it by our meeting, then we're going to ask him to do the entire presentation while we write up his part.

Group work never works, I wish they'd stop it in these subjects. I get why they attempt to make us do it, but it almost always (there's only been two situations where it hasn't) works out that one or two people do absolutely nothing and we're picking up their slack. So hopefully Elaine and I can salvage this and then meanwhile I get to finalize my China paper and give that short (5 minute) presentation on Tuesday (all these speeches are upsetting my stomach). I'm kind of excited to get them over with, but at the same time it's really getting to me.

I was proud of myself though, because when we went to see the lecturer, I wasn't nervous (usually I shake for some reason when I'm in someone's office for the first time)."

UNI RESIDENTS After the mistake of seeing the lecturer, Elaine asked me to lunch, where we didn't talk much. When dessert came, the "cool" Brasserie worker was nice and was chatting to me about chocolate, and how she doesn't crave it. They're so nice if you give it time! I thought it was over with Elaine, but then she asked me to walk around the lake, and I knew she was worried or otherwise she would've ran off. We walked, it was pleasant, and then I sat on the end of the fountain area where she joined me. We chatted pleasantly, easily enough, and I enjoyed it. Even Ray Gordon walked by and made sure to say hello to me- professors here are really nice and remember you the next semester.

Gaz emailed, which was not expected, and it was shorter than the last. But regardless, he seems excited about his beanie!

I started knitting Gaz's beanie on Tuesday, the 16th, and I've gotten pretty far. It's difficult and takes longer since the thread is smaller, but it shouldn't be too bad since it's just a beanie. I've learned the stockinette stitch on top of how to use a circular needle...along with doing a purl stitch for the first time since I attempted a few years ago.

Entry SIXTY-SIX

Yet again, Michelle like most of the others, has never written a message despite being on my facebook for almost three years. I'm pleased, just shocked.

UNI CLASSWORK Stayed up the whole night, watching movies and working on my China paper. The more stressed out I become the less I sleep, but then I never get stuff done anyway. It's a vicious cycle.

BEST FRIEND emailed me a two-page email, something he hasn't had the ability to do for weeks and weeks now. It was such a nice surprise, especially how cute he is. Nothing really stood out except how much he cares about me. And how lovely it is how he tells me even the little things.

IM/Text/Email/Post/Call Elaine called about how she finished her accounting mid-term. See? We're getting there like Liz, but I just don't feel as close with her as I had with Liz.

Entry SIXTY-FIVE

This morning I went to mail Gaz's cheese and ran into Peter Megitt, the Communication lecturer, and he asked me to get a library book for him...thirty minutes before class. They're very personable here. It was a nice feeling to be important.

As written to Gaz: "My lecturer was there and he asked me to get a book out for him (they really *are* personable here...) and then he was doing the quirky banter that I've noticed a lot of people do here. You know how someone says something clever, and then the next person says something funny and they just go on and on? I wish I could do that."

No Gaz email, reply to mine sent my birthday night. He did say they were going down to Orange for a bit, but I don't remember when.



Post-AMERICAN BIRTHDAY I'm actually amazed, astonished, by the amount of American birthday wishes. I mean I only got one last year (from Betty) and but that's not the only thing-- where is Lisa?

Entry SIXTY-FIVE

IM/Text/Email/Post/Call Quarter til eight am and I saw "private no." flashing, instantly thinking it was mom, only to pick up be careful if not, and be semi-shocked it was Gaz to the point I didn't recognize it was him. "Happy Birthday!" he told me and he went on how he remembered this year, and later to say that he remembered last year but he was paranoid whether it was the forteenth or fifteenth. I was still surprised and so the conversation must've been weird to him at first, until I got out of the restraints of my room to the outside circle, where I sat and didn't care who saw me since I was cool and talking to my best friend. I started laughing a lot once I got outside and I noticed how he kept asking questions, so unlike him per our phone conversations back when I was at home. It must be the Canberra-love, how he suddenly started dominating the conversation and how much I loved how he took control for once, taking pressure off of me. Three hours! We haven't done that since...well, have we ever gotten that close? I know over two hours for sure, but maybe we did three hours back when we first parted or the time I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I was stalling. It was beautiful, fullfilling, put a skip in my step, made my day, and nothing could hurt me. I only hoped it was the same for him. There were moments where it slowed a bit and we weren't as enthusiastic, but he kept it going and even kept asking questions to my surprise. In the old I would be the one rambling and so for this, it was satisfying. Three hours! He had to go to the bathroom a second time, so we let each other go. I was just so excited.

To think of it: I didn't even call him on his this year, only the last, and here he is calling ME. He could've just emailed, but he's a TRUE friend.

While he was on the phone, out of no where I got the idea for him to choose the salad I would order, which ended up being a nice birthday treat from him, sort of like a gift. The chef in him is so good. While I was sitting there I didn't see James until it was too late and when the woman called, "Jennifer" James gave me his sneaky look, but I don't know why? What did I do? Was he flirting? He couldn't have been upset at me.

Jenny decorated my door, which was great, so that way my dormies knew it was my birthday. Althought I later ran into Jillian who didn't stop to talk, but smiled and looked at me nicely with a "Hey!".

IM/Text/Email/Post Bear seemed excited I was sending him his cheese, and when I went to buy the box for it, I found my first postcrossing postcard.

Besides a run in with the quirky-remarkable-talkable Ashnita, my birthday was uneventful after Gareth. Meh, it's no Hargraves, but Gaz stepped it up big time!

Entry SIXTY-FOUR

OLD My stomach feels sick, gurgly, and larger than usual, begging me to pay attention to it, when I see old Hargraves students on facebook. I see their fun photos, remembering when I used to share those times, and how I will never have that back again. I see them happy, wondering if they even remember me.

Pre- AUS-BIRTHDAY Elaine texted me and asked me what I was doing for dinner, and when I told her fish and chips, she asked to meet me at the Brasserie. I didn't get it. But then she surprised me with a bar of chocolate and wished me a happy birthday. She thought of me! And so that made me feel good, and but then I have to learn to calm my true feelings. I had told her in the text I was going to get Fish and Chips- I didn't want the Brasserie. Why don't people listen? And I get frustrated and it shows.

On the way I ran into Matt, the BBQ guy, who wished me a happy birthday and said he had knocked on my door to see if I wanted to come. That made me feel important. But I must've messed it up by not going.

Since he hasn't mentioned it in his email about my birthday, I plan to call tomorrow at 10am if I don't here from him:
1. tomorrow night call him: bitch him out.
I'm surprised you didn't remember my birthday....well, not really because you didn't care with my first one (remember telling me that?) and the second one you completely forgot about even though I hinted so many times like this time. I was crying the day before knowing you would when I read your email and you didn't mention anything.

2. BE NICE; bear, did you forget or did you irgnore me? ght i don't now what to do with you. my first, second, now third. you owe me one kickass surprise, you got me?

3. Hi handsome bear, guess what today was?


IM/Text/Email/Post
Hmm...hmm...that's a tough one (still haven't heard from the red cross people since...doesn't sound promising). Yeah, it's a pain, but in the end, unless an amazing job jumps into my lap in the next week or two, I guess I'll have to go through the whole centrelink thing all over again...huff.

Now that's something you'll be able to enjoy (at least you should be able to), big, fat, CHEAP mangos, and lots of them. They were five dollars each in Canberra the other day, and they were the crap ones!

Kids always stare at me in trains...it's scarey, especially when they're a foot away from you. Good thing is I'm home, but still in the middle of the getting better phase (I hope...sore throat and nose are gone though, so that's a step in the right direction).

No you weren't bad, just like I said, if you were like that, I probably would've decided to just watch the TV. But I didn't, because your not.

Is she the sort you can just bug and bug to change their mind, I've never been to a theme park, but I wouldn't want to go on my own, hey! maybe that guy!...no, no, just kidding.

What's a double rainbow? Two rainbows on top of each other?

Ah, lucky for me you don't miss what you don't know, always living on campus and all...then again though, I did enjoy the bus ride back from the AIS...but that could've been a bad sign.

I hate to think how bad the house's going to smell to me when I get back after being away...my nose won't be used to it anymore. It'll smell so badly.

You may as well go to the barbeque, I know exactly what you mean by the whole stressed thing, but at the same time I always hate myself later for chikening out and not going.

Anyway, I'll let you know how the whole being home thing goes (going to be early is the greatest thing in the world)

Bye bye,

Gareth.

Depression sucks and I slept until 11:30pm and found this which was sent shortly after 8pm, not really expecting one, but assuming I would get one considering he was at home with free internet. It made me extremely happy, gave me enough energy, and pepped me up overall. Although no mention of my birthday, his tone was beautiful and I loved how joking he was, something he hasn't been in a while. Therefore, I decided that if he gave me no notice on my birthday, then I would be nice and call with a kind tone. BEST FRIEND I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. He makes it all better. He's my only close friend in the world.

Entry SIXTY-THREE

WELLBEING Basically nothing today. I slept from 4am till 5pm, and it felt great. It was like my Target days when I was so exhausted and I would just crash the whole day.

Part of me worries he won't remember even though he has (or at least had it in his old phone) in his phone that it's my birthday on Monday. And so part of me also hopes he doesn't remember so I can get all this rage out on him. Does he really love me? His last email was unloving and he didn't today even though he should be home, so if none on Sunday and Monday, then that's it. Tuesday I will have the satisfaction of calling and being a bitch and just ending this heartache. What's the point? But then again I get emails and *some* support every other day, so I would lose that. Then again, once I leave, that's it...

I'm also afraid that if he does remember, then he may not make it special for me and I'll be disappointed.

But do I really want to lose him? In Canberra I had the option and I tried, and yet I worked my way back to him...

.

Entry SIXTY-TWO

Boys were out throwing a rugby ball in tighty-whitey boxer briefs, while I smiled, and wondered how they can do that with each other? Otherwise I woke to a nice surprise of another reply from Gaz, a fourth.

IM/Text/Email/Post "Looks like I'll just be heading home for a few days instead...some sort of recovery. The main agenda- good food, peace, and quiet and sleep...I hope the music' stopped, how can anyone like that stuff? I guess we're both stuck where we don't belong...for now. Hope your finally sleeping well. 4:08:49am"

After he texted me that morning and I texted back, I found an email that early evening. I was joking with myself about him emailing me...but there it was. And although it was nice, it made me sad because it was so unloving and he didn't mention my birthday again.

Then again I find babies grotesque too, I'd don't have any desires to fulfill there (...yet)

Oh well, I've got my bus ticket back home...wonder how long I'll stay for? Till next weekend? The decision is do I stay for an extra half week and consiquently become unemployed but feel so much better (at least 'potentially')...or do I stay till Monday, come back tuesday for a measly two hours at the pool? I'm leaning towards a certian direction, and I think we both know which one it is.

I've always seen New Zealand as a extra large Tasmania, dagginess and all...but I'm starting to fantasise again...it'll lead to a dangerous obsession.

Okay, chicken soup and guinness for dinner, with lots of pepper (they used to drink ale as a health thing back in the middle ages so guinness might just work)...I'll get mum to buy a bunch of fresh fruit and vegetables when I get there, and some meusli...haven't eaten any meusli since Cairns...mango slushies, meusli, and steamed vegetables, let's see how that works after a week (and the occasional beer of course...ah, no chocolate or caffiene...can I do it).

I get that, Canberra looks nice but it's boring as hell, no character at all.

Eh, don't worry the important thing is the people who are worth knowing'll put the time in to get past that stage...otherwise I'd never have a friend to speak of.

I can't wait to get some real sleep back home (at least that's the plan...someone'll pay if it doesn't happen, probably me).

Okay it's time to run, my turn on the home computer is over.

See you, Gareth.

TRAVEL After some research I've chosen NZ over Tasmania, but knowing I can't do this without Bear hurts. He's the one that did the planning internally and he's the one who made the traveling bearable.

AS TOLD TO GAZ: It was such a slow start this morning, but it got better. Elaine turned me down about skipping her classes Monday to join me at Sea World to celebrate my oh-so-lovely birthday, so I may be going to Surfers alone. We had a meeting at 3pm, as every Friday goes. She and the German made our meeting pointless, but it was pretty fun when we were looking at the world map and comparing our cultures. The way out of the library we were stuck under the arch building waiting for the rain to let up, so the German guy was asking me questions about home, what I'm doing for my birthday, if I've seen the waterfalls...and then I saw a beautiful full, double rainbow. On our way to dinner we ran into a group of young New Zealanders who needed to find their way to the Princeton Room (the room where they have meetings) and the Brasserie worker I like (which is rare) made me laugh because she was surprised I was actually eating in. Why do Chinese insist on sharing food when they don't like something?? She made me eat her tandoori chicken because she didn't like it, but she said it was because she was full (it was so hot compared to how I make it!). Her boyfriend is flying in from the U.S. to visit her, so I'm incredibly jealous of that. On the way "home" (i just realized today that living on campus and going to your room afterwards doesn't feel as satisfying as driving home after class on campus), I ended up running into the guy who invited me last week to the BBQ and asked why I didn't come, so I may have to skip out on his invite again this week (it scares me...but he's pretty nice and I like some of the other guys).

I forgot about the part of seeing Ashnita waving to me while we were waiting for the rain to let up, and a nice and easy chat with both Malaysians when I got back to my dorm. It was a really satisfying, social day.

Entry SIXTY-ONE

Lunch was actually good and very enjoyable. It lifted my spirits, made me laugh, and I had a good conversation. I shared my feelings with her and now she knows I also don't feel like I fit in here, that people are too cliquey. It's the first time I've had lunch with Elaine in a few weeks, thanks to me not blowing off her salad idea.

My google alert told me I didn't have an email, but I knew it was wrong since it wasn't showing my drafts. I was determined and after a bit I went to the actually website, and here I was right. I felt much better and thought, "hehehe, he's cute" to his email.

Then a few hours later, I heard this noise from my mobile thinking Elaine was texting me to find...GAZ! After the first text I was just thinking, "I guess he's not going to text me" after watching some of the fourth episode of the Gossip Girls when it came. So wishy-washy with him when I get depressed because just this morning I was writing out ways I was going to blow him off, and yet here he is texting me for the first time since May.

We sent each other a few texts back and forth and then I went to bed at 3am not hearing from him for a few hours (only to find one the next morning sent at 4am).

Entry SIXTY

Stayed up the whole night and as I was walking to the mailbox to mail Kenny and Gaz's postcards, I realized that I was more awake with no sleep than I am with eight hours of sleep. The thunder claps just roar through, vibrating, making me wonder how I was ever afraid of such a beautiful sound.

The tute was uneventful, although he annoys me more and more and Melissa is so sweet to me. It was better because I was so tired I didn't care about him, and it helped although some of the time I couldn't focus and think.

Woke up after five hours and found his email with no feeling because I just don't care as much any more.

Why am I crying? Is it because I think he'll forget, despite him remembering and having it in his (old and maybe new) mobile, just because he hasn't mentioned it even though I have? Is it the deja vu of him forgetting last year? He's why I'm depressed. I've already written a draft if he forgets and if he's not loving, because fuck it. Why have someone around who doesn't appreciate me after all I do for him?

Suddenly I feel better, not worrying about my birthday till it comes and realizing that I'll deal with it when it happens IF something happens.

Yeah, sounds like a good idea to me to, but Bron just raised the possibility that she might be going to Orange (and Mum maybe too), so it’d be easier if I could just hitch a lift with her over there (even if I feel like a break from her as well).

I’ve started to notice the nauseous pain in my intestines has become annoyingly frequent (almost constant…ouch). It feels a bit better today (hmm, just like I said, crap at the start of the week, slowly better by the weekend...?)

It looks like the AIS thing is slowly being strangled from both ends anyway, I no longer work Wednesdays either…apparently that was only a temporary two week thing (which’d be nice to have known earlier...I found out when I called to say I couldn’t make it this week again- using sickness as an excuse, not entirely convincing, but I hate to go into the yucky details). So that takes me down from about twelve hours a week to two! (including not working in the kitchen anymore (at least not until I tell them I feel like it again).

I’m getting through Harry Potter so slowly. I’ve just reached the point where Ron runs of like a little bitch.

You’d think she would’ve got the customs thing worked out by now- pumpkin seeds? Tell her to send a package of suspicious white powder, I want to see what happens.

I guess once this years over they’ll understand why your not drinking yourself stupid every week.

I don’t know, I’m living of chai at the moment, which I guess is warm milk just with a whole lot of crap thrown in. I can’t tell if it’s doing good or not…I think I’ll have to wait till I stop (you know, maybe it is the problem, but I like it too much!)

Anyway, tattoo parlor tomorrow evening, let’s see if I can’t repair this thing. Then hopefully of to Orange on Friday or something.

Hope your okay, treat yourself to a drink every now and then (especially since your getting your work done early!), and I’ll start brainstorming for work ideas…not very positive about that one though…

Bye,
Gareth

Entry FIFTY-NINE

UNI CLASSWORK Woke up with twenty minutes before class and never before have I slept in and woken up with such a short period of time to get ready. I stumbled around, rushed to brush my teeth, barely covered my self in cover-up, and ran out the door. Thought about skipping, but it would be my second time, because I just loathe being late and having to walk in with other people sitting down and looking, afraid I won't find a seat even if half of them are empty. But I was still the first to arrive, panting, and not thinking clearly because I was still a bit asleep. The professor likes to touch my forehead whenever I tell him I'm sick, he gets under my skin, and I just cannot pinpoint why he bothers me. Besides belittling my culture, speaking slowly and signing words as if we're mentally handicapped, and claiming and blaming culture wise...I just can't say exactly why I don't like him. When he's not praising me, it's like he wants to cut me down. So I firmly told him, "I'm almost finished with my paper" with pride. I even answered over six times in one class period!

Why do I want to build classroom realtionships with those I won't see, especially when they're from an elective? Melissa and I are good, but I wanted to smile at the Floridian, and one of the Bostonians made me feel special by talking about the Indians. Even the only Aussie guy was so cute; I liked his fun and friendly way.

BEST FRIEND Now I feel a little odd; is he or isn't he? My view of him hasn't changed and I love him the same, but now I'm not sure how to act around him? Sadly, I wish I didn't feel this way, but now I'm not "in love" with him...not even the tiniest bit. I can't be. But at the same time it sort of makes up for him turning me down. I will always love him, but yet I don't feel as close to him, because when you "like" someone, you tend to act more closely and lovingly.

I finished my second stripe!!

Entry FIFTY-EIGHT

Hehehe, Bear emailed me and I know I kind of expect it every other day, but it still makes my day, even if some of them are shorter than usual. I checked it real quick, not even caring if it was so short, and then ran to get lunch since the Chinese girl blew me off and ran into James who put me into an even better mood. That James mood made me slightly more giddy than Bear, but because it was in my presence and I saw it, such a visual girl I am, but then it allowed me to appreciate Bear more.

LITTLE PLEASURES James stood back like he wasn't sure how to act around me, as of lately I wasn't too flirty since he hasn't seemed to be as happy (always frowning, not his usual smiling). Then this massive smile burst on his face and I blurted, "You're smiling!" since he didn't all of last week. We talked; I asked him how his classes are going and as usual he was open and real with me. Telling me how he's failing and giving me a happy, "see ya!"

GESTURES On the way back to eat and read Gaz, a guy with wildly dyed hair, although he would've looked hot with only blond, said hello to me. He must be new, because I tried that last semester and no one wanted to say hello. But it made my day and makes the Bungies seem more of a "home".

I re-read Gaz and I loved how upbeat it seemed.
"AARRGGHH!"
"it's not fair!"
'If anyone asks why you don't go to things I always think it's easy enough just to say "I just didn't really want to".'
"I have to run! I'll write more a bit later. Bye!"
"Love the pictures by the way."

BEST FRIEND Then I found out why he had such a short message: he took twenty minutes doing facebook and maybe with something else, but at least he emailed me (and hopefully no one else). Jealous much? A bit. But I knew something was up before I read it and my heart just burst open when I saw: "interested in women, men." I knew it; bisexual? I felt warm inside and proud for some reason and I don't know why. Then it hit me- why announce to facebook first and not me?

Looking at it though scares me for him, hoping his friends won't take it the wrong way. It's so tough to look at, pretty much a shock even though all along I knew something was up.

And what made him change his mind about suddenly being horny??

Entry FIFTY-SEVEN

Woke up to a boy making noise in the common room, which meant I overslept and I didn't get to catch her in the morning. Would that be fun? No, at night would be better after the Malaysians go in their rooms for the night. It's not like I wasted any time either since I woke up 12pm, which isn't too bad. I woke to three emails from Kenny and an email from Melissa, hoping for a Bear one tomorrow.

Barely remember the context, but I believe we were having a tiff and I asked something along the lines of why he put up with me. "You know," he said. In other words, "I love you". He's my Bear.

Ran into Audrey, yet again, and we had the polite and yet nice chitchat we always have. And for once she asked me first how I was.





I like this outfit. It's actually "in"- usually I follow my own style, but this is cute.

The boys were at it agian and I sort of followed Jillian's suit by seeing what was going on by looking out my window. When I went to confront them with an apology to their apology, she was cold but agreed with me. After the ordeal, my heart raced so fast. As written to Gaz, "Know how someone means well by inviting you somewhere, but you know they only half mean it and won't go looking for you if you don't show up? The boys were outside hitting my wall again (YES, those damn balls, every day!) and I looked outside only to find one of them standing right there apologizing. I went out to say it was okay, that it only scares the living shit out of me, and one of the Aussies invited me to a BBQ they were having for the Bungalows. I said it sounded great, but I knew they wouldn't be bothered and I would have to go myself (something I don't do. I need a push). As much as I complain about not getting close to these people, I just can't be bothered because I love the friends I have, you know? (But I really do need to get over social phobia- I need to pretend I'm in Hargraves and nothing anyone can say or do will hurt me). "

DISCOVERED what upsets me the most is that I have a best friend who is a male, and yet can't find a boy to love me and marry me down the road.

Also, I discovered a bit ago that I don't want to live here long-term. I only want Gaz, and he doesn't even want to be here. When I told him that little discussion (which I have to look up again), it led him to saying, no, not Canada, but America.

Entry FIFTY-SIX

Woke up at 11:12, which means I should get my wish still; how am I doing this? I love that. It was so hot and sticky that I stayed in bed when my first alarm went off (8am) and while I was in that state managed to put the heat on by accident, only making it worse. Sticky, spread out. That afternoon Miss Bikini sat at the picnic bench with the big Aussie, making me jealous that she has so many guy friends right from the start and boobs as well.


BEST FRIEND He emailed me this afternoon and I was happy (not excited, just pleased) until I read it and it was nothing special. Or in other words, he didn't mention the Gold Coast. Should be happy that he took time on a Saturday again to email me, right? Right. I just miss flirty Gareth. In fact, he doesn't make me happy much any more. I don't think I love him any more. I don't get excited when he emails, I don't get excited to email him, and he rarely says something to make me smile. I know I probably don't for him either though. I try at least.

Does he even appreciate me? I think that's why I don't "love him anymore" and he doesn't "excite" me anymore.

I replied to him and during it I cried a lot; not audible but in a satisfying way. Then I remembered that he doesn't want me to go either, but he's not worrying about it now since it's a year away and it's painful. TRAVEL And he, on his own, said he wanted to come up here when I asked him to Tasmania. I have to let him do this. Meanwhile I plan a trip in December and if he doesn't come up by then, I go to see him on my way to or from the trip.

GESTURES Why wasn't the South African not smiling for the second week in a row? Next Saturday I will make it a point to ask him how his semester is going. I just didn't this week because I thought maybe he wasn't smiling because he didn't want to "flirt"? I want to do for him what he's done for me!

LIFE HERE she wants us to be more open and more "homely"...so I tried sitting in the common room. It lasted an hour since I was so hot and tired of waiting for her to walk in. Instead I was in my room with my door open, figuring she had to go by sometime. Okay, to be more clear, I overheard her whispering a reply to some guy who said over and over, "This does not look like a common room." I don't know if she was talking about me, but I know she doesn't talk about the Malaysians, and I do try to talk to her. I must make more of an effort since she's been so much nicer.

It didn't work, but I will keep trying.

The good of it is I overcame to shortcomings: how I don't sit in the common room and how I always close my door. I forced myself in the common room where I then was able to get some work done...there was no internet to distract me.

IM/Text/Email/Post First of all, Jess and Pearly has disappointed me. I thought Pearly and I would make a comeback, full of us visiting each other, but it doesn't look like it. And Jess? She seemed sort of standoff-ish in her facebook message. But what can I do? I'll keep up with Jess through facebook and hope for the best.

Now Bear's latest email.

"I think the general gyst of the messages was," in response of me asking what I had missed.

"You can see it when it's done properly." He wants to show me, aw. I hadn't asked this time

"What else...Um," half way through he's trying to come up with more stuff. Aw.

"I think I also complained about how sick I've been too, but then I'm always doing that...I think there's only one thing that'll stop that, and I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, so sorry." HUH? About how in the last two weeks I've talked about it? "So sorry"??

"I always promise I'll go to the doctor but I always feel so drained and disconnected all the way through, and by the time i get better again (I'm feeling pretty good today by the way)" in response to asking if he had found a doctor, to show I care about him.

(He doesn't talk about the photo I sent; that made me feel weird. I thought it was cute).

"Anyway, that should be a bunch of interesting tales, there's nothing more just now...sadly.
Bye bye,
I'll try to enjoy my smooth shaven face and stuff.
Gareth"
Usually he tells me there's more to come or how he's talk to me soon; this time it's about him. However, the first line does sort of make up for it. Like he wants to write more, but can't.

Entry FIFTY-FIVE

Judith was nice, but not very forthcoming and I'm not sure why. How can someone be so nice one week and sort of cold the next? I understand she's only a worker at the Lakeside Grille, but I see her laughing with others and she usually does with me, and so that's what I find so unusual. What's a Friday without that banter? I need to stop falling alseep during the day because I woke up still exhausted along with no work completed...not that I have too much. Just worrying about these papers and presentations. Seeing Jillian with her Aussie boys and bikini is making me jealous, but that's nothing that can be changed. I'm only jealous because Gaz hasn't emailed me yet today and I want to know a boy is thinking of me.

I keep falling asleep during the day and then staying up until 4am, which is one habit I have to break real fast. Somehow though I woke up in time for my marketing meeting on Friday...which the German guy didn't bother to show up for and so it really wasn't a meeting at all. I went through a lot of these things last semester to which I discovered a lot about how this stuff works, and when I told those two some suggestions, they turned them down thinking I was being silly. So there was Elaine and me being kicked out of a group study room (I knew it was booked, but people don't believe me for some reason) and Tom not showing up (and Elaine couldn't call to ask where he was, because she thought exchanging at least email addresses was silly). We waited for twenty minutes near the front door with Arthur while we exchanged what we had written...so if he hasn't written anything yet I think I'll tell him that he's giving the presentation and we're doing the paper part. Basically it was a waste of time; and I just wanted to sleep.

And so Elaine and I went shopping instead and on the way back Jillian saw that I do have a friend and I ran into Audrey again (as well as Ivette over to the library). I love this dorm life. I see people, I talk to people, I laugh.

Mom called last night to say that she and Jess went to visit and breeder, and Jess fell in love with one of the puppies. So she got it- a male she has named Meatball....I was whining on the phone about both the sex and name, but what more can I do? And so they get it in three weeks, to which gives me a bit of time to protest that my very elderly cat should be given free reign of the house and meatball should be locked in the basement (but sadly, I know they won't listen to me). She also asked what I want for my birthday so I can get it before hand (lately it's taking eleven days to get mail from the US!), and I couldn't come up with anything, so my mom's sending me more yarn and Hershey's bars.

Really there's no time to do anything fun, or maybe it just feels like it because I'm constantly worrying about presentations. I keep telling myself that it will be great to do all the work now and only have to study for one final, but meanwhile I wish I didn't have to worry so much (I'm just one of those people who thinks too much about the same stuff). Learned in communicatin class that Americans are "blunt", "harsh", and "to the point" even compared to other English speakers which kind of confirms a lot for me in a way. I also know that on a personal level I can be really blunt because I like to know exactly what's happening and when and how and with whom, and it's hard to turn that off.

Part of me keeps saying that it was stupid to bother with a masters, because it seems like so much work, and yet it's going so fast. You know I only wanted to do my Masters so I could get an easy visa to live here again, see you, travel, eat sausages, watch rugby...I just don't like these presentations! Can you tell what I've been working on all week and weekend? These two silly things on Las Vegas (for marketing) and China (for communication).



Gareth didn't email, but knowing he did three times this week (despite me not being able to read two of them), is enough. The only reason I'm kind of freaking out inside is that I want to know his reaction to my reply to his response about coming up here! So I think he received my email fine and hopefully I will hear from him Monday. If he was looking at the Gold Coast, then he's doing it on his own already. I'll remind him as December gets closer that I want to see him.

Bear might have not emailed, but something inside of me told me to stop reading and to check the clock....to find it at 11:11pm!

Entry FIFTY-FOUR

DISCOVERED It was not such a great start to the day with a five cleaners and their carts blocking the way to the business building and me not having a backbone. I get flustered at the unexpected and so I must've looked silly enough for her to call me, "kid." Hmm, really, kid? I heard a snicker as I passed, not sure if it was towards me, but I turned around none the less and no one was looking. I was prepared to ask, "Did you say something?" Being nice does not get you far, does it?

UNI CLASSWORK and RESIDENTS Elaine's too much for me, she's a demanding Chinese. She interrupted me and Stephen with a (what I thought) rude, "Did you have something for me?" Demanding and rude, very so. Stephen made a point of pulling the table I had (much earlier) pushed away so he could sit by me. I enjoy company, but I want alone time too. Regardless class was interesting in a way since I got to watch old American commercials, feeling important because they were mine and the others have never seen them and yet I have.

I stayed after with her so she could talk to the professor, whom for some reason gave me all the eye contact (?). I enjoyed it though, because it made me feel important. We went our own ways since she had to talk to a professor and I discovered my bungalow untouched, to which I am right now outside the uni centre. No Bear email yet, but I hope he does and if he doesn't, I will be okay until I'm assuming tomorrow.

Regional study was like the last day of school. The German spoke to me for the first time considering I took two classes with him last semester, Arthur kept talking to me after he sat next to me, and Ashnita was so sweet after I initiated a chat. More came and it became a group effort. Chatting, laughing, smiling. It was carefree. And once class started, I actually knew an answer and got a class laugh!




IM/Text/Email/Post Bear emailed me again, but it was blank for a second time. I'm just happy he emailed me so quickly again, but also disappointed I don't get to hear from him. Hopefully it will be fixed tomorrow or Monday.

Mom called at 11:10 after almost four hours of passing out without realizing it to wake up just in time for a wish!

Entry FIFTY-THREE

UNI CLASSWORK I'm not quite sure the point of our tutes (for communication class) when the entire time he answers for me (because surely he knows my culture) and then skips over me and asks about Melissa's culture (Taiwanese). Not that I mind he skips over me, but I kind of feel like I'm intruding when it's quite apparent he could care less and feels forced with asking me the same tute questions as for Melissa. He reminds me so much of my Spanish independent study professor (same deal, where we were one on one instead of in a class) where he doesn't listen, plays with his nails, and goes "uh-huh" when he's not belittling me (okay, maybe I'm bias, but the entire time for our tute this week he put words in my mouth and skipped over me).

Melissa was so sweet and asked nicely about the Gold Coast attitude towards foreigners and he blew it over, even when she explained why she was asking (an egg was thrown at her the other day). So maybe he's such an "academic" that he wants to be in control? On the way out I gave it a personal touch, telling her it was horrible what happened and that I hope it never happens again. We talked till we reached the bottom and went our way with laughs.


BEST FRIEND
2:14pm
"Enter now! Win a $16K adventure holiday to Rajasthan, India."
My email or Bear's email messed up and I received a blank! Although, I'm thrilled regardless because he thought of me and emailed me today, because his emailed yesterday was sort of "I don't know when the library will be fixed" kind :) I just wish I knew what he said, but I let him know and hopefully it will come whole soon. So I felt great and wanted to give him another email with some content it in, but... opps, I emailed him like he did the time I sent a blank (his CSU account wouldn't let him receive it) and I just realized that he may not get to let me know what he had said in the other email?

UNI RESIDENTS On the way to dinner I ran into Audrey and we chatted till I reached the Brasserie and she stood there waving me goodbye and telling me to enjoy dinner. She's so sweet. Maybe too sweet for me, but I like having a friend in the dorm.

IM/Text/Email/Post Elaine called, surprisingly, and she was asking about something of marketing which could've waited until tomorrow when we have class, meaning it was bothering her and she needed me to make her feel better. I don't mind, I just wish I had her support when I was new last semester, that's for sure.

Entry FIFTY-TWO

Someone's watch beeped at 11:11 and I made a wish, just in time.
Came home to find no email from him.
Story of my life, why do I bother?

UNI CLASSWORK Melissa chose America and I chose Vietnam when we had to choose an opposing country, making me think we enjoy each other's company. Silly, I know, but I want to try to befriend her. Class itself is pointless in that he just reads from books and sheets of paper, as if he really doesn't know what he's doing, going from here to there with no real order. It seems like a waste of my time, and I'm not really learning much.

UNI RESIDENTS Melissa thankfully sat next to me again, so I didn't feel alone and I knew I had someone if we did something. No one wants to be alone, especially me, and I want to befriend her even if it's temporary. She's Vietnamese, very friendly, and likes to talk to me; so why not hope? There are just too many cliques and I want to feel like I belong as well. On the way out she said bye to me and that made me happy, of course. She took the time to do so.

Annabelle. She's the Aussie I thought was being pissy during my presentation and the one who said "see ya" randomly afterwards. We met going down the steps and she made the first move. Talking about him and stopping at the bottom of the steps to continue. I want to be her friend. I do, I need an Aussie friend. She makes me feel "cool".

Lunch. The bitchy blond and I had a nice chat about how she likes the eggplant as well.

"Ivette" doesn't talk any more and I'm not sure why, because she used to last semester. She says hi and smiles, but doesn't want to talk. What did I do? I won't let it worry me because it was always Audrey I enjoyed and who was really nice.

But there's Jillian with her drove of Aussie boys, and I'm jealous she did that since day one. I was able in Hargraves, but not here, and so would I really want that again? Part of me says yes, but part of me says I don't have the energy or personality any more.

IM/Text/Email/Post 12:50 I found the email even though it was sent 12:31. "Walked past the travel agency, Brisbane/Gold Coast $125...think I might see when the next possible time is (probably a while away knowing my luck). Hobart, Hobart, Hobart! (Or Melbourne I suppose, either or. Ah, sounds like a chance to run away from Canberra, and this new responsibility thing and never look back! That idea sounds so tempting, so, so tempting."

And "Still no sleep, we should find a sleep therapist's somewhere, where thay play storm noises and stuff while you sleep."

And "All the computers at the library are down so I've had to comne to the camera shop instead."

Does that mean he's been thinking about what we both said about him coming up here without me knowing? He was "walking past" and happened to look it up? I find that cute and thrilling. I danced and listened to music and jumped around, giddy and giggly. And he wants to go Hobart more, like I knew, but I find it interesting and great how he expressed interest and yet let me know he doesn't have the money yet. So that means he wants to come up here first??

He went to the camera shop and paid to email me; I love him.