Entry ?

LIFE HERE, GROWN UP, CHANGE, BEST FRIEND

Friends (AUS)

• Gareth!
  
• Ash...
  
• Mike...
  
• Stephen...
  
• Arthur...
  
• May...
  

Friends (US)

• Kristen
  
• Betty...
  
• Christina...
  
• Jess...
  

AUS lifestyle:

• No car
  
• Expensive food and clothing
  
• I can't even go shopping alone
  
• I would have to live with someone else
  
• People are nice and yet obnoxious
  
• No family
• But I have Gareth
  
• Good reputation
• Clean air, but HOT air
• So isolated and boring...did everything just about
• Has plenty of jobs
• Good pay, but expensive living
• Not so powerful, but no killings (supposedly)

US lifestyle:

• I have a car
  
• Food is so cheap, as well as clothing (which is styles I like)
  
• I can go shopping alone
  
• I don't have to live with someone
  
• People are nice, obnoxious, but just like me
  
• I have my family
  
• But I have Betty (ugh) and Kristen 
  
• Bad reputation, and yet they fucking love us
• Cleanish air, but I don't even notice + colder weather (nice)
• Soooo much to do
• Still has good jobs
• Not as good pay, but fucking cheap living
• We're powerful -> Our power may be dying, but then others die too

Overall, I'm going to be happier in the US.  The only thing that will bother me is knowing that undeserving people will live in Australia (because I WANT TO LIVE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY) and that most importantly...Gareth.  But, we have such a strong friendship that I can withstand only emails and seeing him every year.  We're so strong that he'll forever be my friend and we'll see each other for sure.

I've lost Betty and Jess, but really does it matter much?  If I have Kristen down the street, I'll be okay.  And with a job I can make new friends.  And if it doesn't work out, there's Gareth to go running to or another city.

UNI CLASSWORK  it was my last presentation ever.  Ever, ever, ever.  I was there early, followed by a few people I don't really talk to, then Nash who was a struggle (he just stares anymore and doesn't bother.  An asshole or has he always been this way?).  Finally, Ash came to the rescue and then Mike.  He was nicely dressed up and came straight to me.  "You're dressed up!"  "And he has shoes!" Ash added.  But then Mike left and I was left with my group and sort of Ash.

"Before class he came up to me and said he didn't mean to do that as far as giving me a 6.5 for "not putting in as much effort as the others" and that he's "really busy and must've mistake my true mark amongst all his papers."  I think he could tell on my face that I was thinking, "oh, bullshit, don't pull that" because he nudged me and said, "Don't take it personal."  Hmm."

Finally the presentation came and we were the last ones to go.  I wanted to be first, but it was okay.  Once I got up there it felt natural, but I felt so disconnected from everyone.  I need to get to the point where I can actually talk to them and know exactly what I'm saying word for word at the same time.  Also, passion.  I need to be more passionate without being annoying.

During the rest of the presentation Stephen walked past twice and May and I were laughing and waving.  Seeing Stephen actually made me feel better.

Afterwards he asked me a few questions, but they were so easy that I didn't mind at all.  Just clarifying.   May asked him, "Do you have any comments for our group?"  "I think the professor was really impressed because he said, "Great idea-- are you going to go through with it?"  (We all said no).  "Are you thinking of selling the business plan then?"  (We laughed- but I think he's serious)."

After the presentation I realized that I don't want to see most of these people ever again, and then ones I do want to see, I probably never will.  When I left I didn't say goodbye to Nash this time, because I'm tired of his pissy happy attitude.  He obviously doesn't care about me.

INVITES  "And then I talked to May and she invited me out to dinner with the rest of our group members since I'm going back home and ZeFeng's going back to China, but I sure don't want to go.  I have to go, but I surely don't want to.  Especially if Nash'll be there, since he's got this thing against me for some reason.  (Unless it's just his Indian-British background of just staring and not saying anything?)."

LITTLE PLEASURES  But I caught Mike on the way out, luckily because I thought he was long gone.  Maybe he was waiting up for someone or me, I don't know.  I asked him if he was going to the tute, and he said no (figures).  Then Armell walked past, the French chick, and she was oddly nice to me.  Mike hugged her goodbye and I was jealous, but also surprised at how touchy he is with people he doesn't even really know.

After Armell left, he was talking about how I could help him out and I told him, "What do I get?" HE HUGGED ME!  It felt so great.  How often do boys I like hug me?  Not often. What, just Geovanny, Gareth, and now Mike?  That's it.  And after he hugged me he said he'd give me something extra special.  He's such a lovable player.  And as he was leaving I called out, "See you in the brasserie!"  "I'll give you extra dessert!"  he called back.

UNI CLASSWORK  Beforehand I was with the boys chatting and trying to do some work.  And my last tutorial ever was fine- I brought my laptop and that was that.  I've never done it before, but it felt damn good just pissing around on the internet like every one else does.  Afterwards, our prof wanted a class photo.  Amei, Ying's friend, sat next to me and held me-- close!  And afterwards she got right in my face, just the way she is,to talk. Wow- talk about cultural differences.

LITTLE PLEASURES  That night at dinner Mike scanned my card and asked me about class.  Then he acted as if he was waiting so he could serve me, but then he had to serve the guy in front of me.  Dessert?  He ran over even though a woman already started serving me since no one was coming.  "Would you like anything else?" he said in a sneaky way, inferring to earlier in the day.  "Next time when there's chocolate I laughed."  I felt cool.

Entry TWENTY-SEVEN

Stayed up all night;
A bit nervous about meeting Gareth.
Do I hug him?
What do I say?
How do we sleep?
I even knitted 30cm
and then stole a corner table from the open, empty room across our bungalow.
I redecorated that corner of my room,
I love the results.

Entry TWENTY-SIX

Woke up at 10pm to a hiccup and then I giggled. I hope it was him ;)

"And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here.

See you,

Gaz."

It made me giggle today thinking of it. The whole, "I'll tell you how my day went when you get here" deal. Just think that a few months ago we were still emailing each other once, twice a week and now it's everyday. That's why I think he said that, because then I won't hear about his Monday!

LIFE HERE That IGA was a little rough again, so I have to remember to smile and never look away as if bored. It's always the same girls, so there's no point in getting on their bad side because because I'm nervous about my accent. (ADVICE say "hi, how are you?" first).

Things change when all the popular regulars are around and you know you won't be scrutinized. I was blasting music. I opened my room door, not afraid someone would walk by and even if they did, so what? I placed food in the fridge. I felt like this was my bungalow as well, for once. I walked around campus, even though it was open day, looking straight ahead as, "I already go here. I am not a freshmen." I blast my ipod and laughed at their "international food" tent, full of Mexican and Chinese and stereotypical food to please the tiny groups. If they have to go all out, then they are compensating for something or begging for you to come be a Bondie.

I began to get nervous about Canberra and started knitting to calm my nerves. (KNITTING) 30 inches in one day! Just look at that brown next to the blue, how beautiful. It gets exciting to see my work coming together.


KNITTING is distracting me from Canberra. It's my new thing to calm me down, calm my nerves, and distract me from life as I subconsciously move that yarn. Just look how the two colors look together! I can't wait to see what this thing will turn out to be like.

LITTLE PLEASURES no class. being able to knit. knowing that everything always works on. learning that no one is more important than you. having a good dinner with everything you like. being able to walk around campus freely. good music. good roomies. seeing hot guys across the street. knowing that gaz loves me. knowing that I get emails from home, more than last time. an empty laundry room. calling greyhound and getting a cheerful, nice woman. realizing that making phone calls are easy and fast. ice cream after a month. feeling at ease in the Gold Coast. being told by an Aussie that he understands and that I'm adventurous. chocolate mint cookies after weeks of none. a warm room. tea that is not too hot. seeing older pictures of Tiger. laughing so hard. getting a stranger to smile. a good conversation with no pauses. seeing your best friend after three months. going to bed when I'm completely exhausted. a real hug. slipping into bed with a best friend. realizing there are no classes and no responsibilities for a bit.

GROWN UP if there's no Aussie visa for me, I want to try Italy, where I hear the boys woo girls. Meanwhile though, Jess and I both coincidentally want to try Florida and she's got an apartment she wants me to move in with her. I like having a plan. I want Gareth in it, but I won't think anymore about that just yet.


Tried to donate, but I will be outbid while I am gone.

SMALL GESTURES I am on an artsy, helping kick. I'm gathering ideas how to rejuvenate my room, make it more inspiring. I want to help out as much as I can. I started this blog to remember the feelings and deep insides, instead of the boring surface. I have two flickr accounts. I will start a moleskine again in Canberra.

Entry TWENTY-THREE

Thursday is my ritual of hiding from the cleaners by running off to the uni centre with my laptop to occupy my early morning. I was thinking, I shouldn't blame them for something the bathroom cleaner might've not done, but I left my shower with the hair in it because I was sour they didn't clean...which lead to my toe fungus. Although I'm embracing this experience and realizing that nails falling off aren't so bad after all, once your first comes off.

ADVICE For the future though: do not make those suffer whom might not have done it.



Well I managed to literally catch the clock at 11:11 to make a wish, but so far no email. Now I'm getting worried...I leave Sunday. If I don't hear from him, what do I do? Just as I was typing that I got "Gareth Thomas" and merely said, "Thank you." His email doesn't seem happy...let's see.

Yep, as I predicted, not very loving at all. "Hiya" and "See you next week, Gaz". Then namedropping Guy, what the hell?

Now that I step back and look at it, it's fine. I was just expecting more of a "you're coming soon!" deal, but he did tell me my final would be fine and he did mention (at the end...) I am coming. So I will see his reaction email tomorrow morning before I go and book a hostel.

I hope I guilted him into being more loving tomorrow...if he emails.

UNI CLASSWORK Happened to go print my Gaz email which was perfect timing to catch Ashnita in the printing room. We were chatting about our finals and then she invited me to a study session...how nice! This is my take a chance and be brave moment of the day, because it will be awkward "crashing", but I was invited.

Ended up that when I arrived they were not were she said they would be and me being a nervous wreck didn't look any further. But I was pushed with guilt, I didn't want her to think I was blowing her off. Although not all think like me and if I see her, I will apologize and say I had searched and then got sidetracked.

MOVING don't get your hopes down until the immigration expo, there is always a way. And so what if I have to wait? That gives me the opportunity to go to Florida or Canada. And why do I want to be here? Only for Gaz, my only real friend.

CANBERRA The big day is coming up but I'm getting scared for some reason. How will he react? How will I? Do I hug him hello? Will he even meet me at the bus station? Am I still staying at his place? What will I do when he's off at the agency? What will it be like sleeping in his bed again?

The pregnant, blond Brasserie worker is always smiling and always kind. She made me smile, which felt great, and put a skip in my step.