Entry FORTY-FIVE

AMERICAN HOME We were never that close at work, with him only paying me attention towards the end when he had something to say or he wanted to tease me like he did Doris. In fact, at first I didn't like him much because he would come over when Doris was training me and not even look at me. And so it was slow, and therefore I was amazed and confused when he asked for my email address before I left. Was it because I was going to Australia? Came down here and it was awkward at first with the emails, but now he emails almost instantly the next day. I should be flattered, I know. And when/if it stops, I will miss it.

Opening my email in the morning I found two from Kenny (normal), one from Lisa, and none from Bear. I was disappointed in the Bear reaction, but then again I know he will on Monday, his day off. Just love knowing he loves me. He is my source of comfort, communication, sanity, and love. Now I have Elaine and I'm not so dependent on communicating with him since I actually have a friend here, but she could never replace him.

Lisa cried when I told her Geauga Lake as we know it no longer exists. I was surprised by her reaction- crying? I understand we spent almost all our lives there, but crying?

Christina also emailed me (hotmail account, as usual, just like Liz). It is going great, hope you are doing good, drop me an email sometime about your travels and what you have been up to. Is that sincere? She didn't have to reply or even send the original email, so I guess. I hope it is because I do miss her friendship and hope to see her when I get back. In fact, I should tell her that.

DISCOVERED I realized as I was drifting off to sleep the other night how Liz has impacted me. I treat Elaine with girl-love because Liz taught me how. She taught me how to maintain female friendships. Too bad ours didn't work.

READING It was such a beautiful, and yet chilly, day that I went to my secluded spot outside the Business building to read since I was too afraid of the lake steps. I tried, I really did, but there were too many people walking around for once. For shame, being afraid as being seen as a "dork". I finished Memoirs of a Geisha, although it was disappointing towards the end and I just wanted it over with about about pages to.

INVITES Kenny has invited me and Melissa to a Tribe game next year, and it made me so happy I was dancing around. Knowing that I will have friends when I get back is very important to me.

(Where is Jess? She hasn't replied to my email lately.)

Around 5:45pm I had to wait for Jillian to leave, only to find out how wonderful it was that it happened. I came across a waving, smiling Ashnita who stopped me on the way to the IGA. She asked what I was up to, I asked her if she moved (yes!), we talked about regional study, and she invited me to a housewarming party! I really want to get closer to her. She'd be a great and fun friend.

Then walking the boardwalk I ran into Anna from communication. It took both of us a second to realize who each other was and she was so happy, smiling, talking. She told me it was "good for you" that I was walking with my groceries (extra weight) and we said, "see ya."

ADVICE It pays off to even say hello and sit next to people in class.

Entry TEN

LIFE HERE Checked my mail for The Deathly Hallows and ran into that woman again, the one that thought I am an Australian. I don't know her name or even where she comes from, but we act like we know each other and just talk. This time was about Economics and if we did the sample exam yet.

GESTURES This has inspired me to send a postcard from Australia, considering they are Ohioans. I think that's a beautiful idea of her's and would love to help out since mom had cancer. Well, even regardless. This is not for selfish reasons and I'm proud of myself.

BEST FRIEND hasn't emailed me this morning despite all the good signs, but I shrugged it off knowing that it will always be okay. I'm not worried yet again. I emailed him the latest list of songs I got him, all proud that I managed to download 115 songs in a mere two days.

I was in the bathroom reading Franny and Zooey when I realized that he's the only friend that knows basically all of my weaknesses. He's the only friend who truly knows me, even what I don't tell him. I feel so exposed, but happy as well.

ADVICE listen to mom more often. I was walking home from the Lakeside Grille realizing how socially hurtful it would be if I hadn't met whatshisname...um...um...Hugh who convinced me that you can get takeaway. If only I listened to mom earlier when she said that I could just leave with my food to my room. I guess, lesson learned, on top of that is that we can make our own rules. Just do it. Do what Stephen does, that annoying guy in class, and just push and get your way regardless.

READING just finished Franny and Zooey, which was basically a waste of time. I loved Franny's part because I could relate to it (fights with Gareth), but Zooey's part was way too long and all about Jesus.

DAYS TILL CANBERRA: fifteen days
READING: Bush Oranges

Entry FIVE

LIFE HERE My ATM card didn't work, so I ran to town to find the lonely ATM broken. The stress came to me and I started freaking out. No Gaz and a boring, but beautiful town, made me feel lonely again. I need friends here, but it's difficult to get close to any of the girls my age. It's difficult and I'm honestly not trying that hard either, though. That and worrying about what's going to happen after this- will I be able to stay? Have to go forever?

Big Brother 07 is ending, also known as the Aussie one, and so I'm going to force myself to get addicted to Big Brother 8 (the American one) again since I can't be home to watch my summer guilty pleasure.

This is what it's like to start over again, but with a new culture mixed in. Yes, I've done this before, but this time it's harder since I'm trapped. My best friend is a state away, this dorm is not easy to force oneself to be surrounded by people, and I didn't start with a international group like last time. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I know.

Too much alone time but at least I'm realizing what it's really like now before I'm out of uni. At least I know what it's like to live without your established friends and your family. I'm doing fine, and some days I want to cry, but otherwise I'm staying strong. I haven't left yet.

UNI CLASSWORK This is called subtle panic. Uneasiness. I've done some work on OB to try to finish it, but the presentation is starting to freak me out now. Will Steve be nicer this time? Did I do the right research?

BEST FRIEND, READING Stressed. Fat. Locked in. Bored. Same environment. So I walked to the circle, where the buses come, and then walked to the lake by the Lakeside Grille. I was sad about Gaz. Started reading Franny and Zooey again, realizing it's so much like me and Gaz. The little tiffs. Him eating Octopus. Me crying over little things. God I love that boy. I hope he emails me soon.

I'm dreaming about him, picking him up in Hopkins, and driving him home to show him how life is there. "I might stop being so self-centred and make it out to America some day not to far away…stranger things have happened (first stop Chicago/Maine somewhere?)."

CULTURE Hungry stomaches mean you'll do what you wouldn't do normally. It lead me to the Fish & Chip shop where I happily was served by two very nice and smiley high school girls. Giggling. All it takes is an opening line and a big smile from the start!


READING: Franny and Zooey
DAYS TIL CANBERRA: twenty ("That's fucking awesome!")

Entry TWO

I'm so tired and yet I can't sleep. I toss and turn. Maybe it's my back pain. Maybe it's because I'm worried I may not wake in time tomorrow for the cleaners.

MORNING I tried staying up all night, not that I wanted to, but I knew that if I didn't then I would be sleeping when the cleaners came. A weird dream woke me up. It was someone receiving a blowjob and I'm not sure who was involved. It was odd enough to arouse me and realize it was past nine am. Twenty minutes is all it takes to get ready if I don't take a shower. That's long because I scuffled around the room looking for things I might have missed to hide from the cleaners. I can't trust them. They steal. They destroy. They barely clean.

AFTERNOON I should be outside enjoying the sun, but instead I am stuck in the library for a "group meeting" of sorts. I should be taking the walk I missed this morning by sleeping in so I can feed the ducks my old bread.

The meeting wasn't so bad. Andrew showed, sat by me again, and he asked if I was Canadian, which started the whole American thing. He was kind about it, and I hope I was as well, but I tried to assert I wasn't the "typical American". We played with Google Earth and I showed everyone the uni and where I live. It was fun...and well I love attention. I miss that about working at Target, where I always had lots of attention, from lots of people. In the end Joey and Andrew high-tailed it out there, barely without any notice, and I just shrugged it off. I used to be one of them, but for some reason I was determined to do my part for this project. Maybe it's how Stephen screwed me over in Global Business by telling me I would do half, and then doing the whole thing when it came time for it. I was red, hot, and speechless. Yet I didn't feel it until I got home an hour later and I declared to myself that I wanted to go home. Now look how strong I am! Look what you can do if you put your mind to it, the strength you can have.

EARLY EVENING There was another part to our meeting. Before I could realize what was happening, Stephen was walking toward Market Square and I was following unknowingly. I was worried, but not scared, about what to do considering I had no money and he acted too quick for me to figure out what was going to happen. He told me it was okay and paid for our meal and he could care less. Surprisingly it was easy to talk to him before we sat down to work on the highlighting for our project. We talked. On and on. His bragging slowed down. For the first time ever, he was asking questions instead of dominating the the conversation. He kind of scared me by saying that you need to be sponsored for PR, but that citizenship takes 48 hours since Australia is desperate for citizens! Then I worked on him, like Andrew, but I was more careful. I told him that I do assimilate, that I love what I do, and that I love to learn along with the travel. He told me that we (he and I) are needed by companies since we do well with change. I think he changed his mind about me, that I truly want to be here.

BOYS Are Gareth and I okay? Why is it taking him three days? I jumped on his back and shoved a knife in there, and yet he told me he loved me, and so I'm sure that if I can survive that, I can survive anything. Maybe he's just busy and those days straight of hearing from him was his down time with nothing going on. I happened to catch 11:11am that made me smile with relief, so maybe that's a sign that all is well.


READING: The Old Man and the Sea
DAYS TO CANBERRA: Twenty-three

Entry ONE

Livejournal is down due to a power outage in San Fran, so I've been inspired to start a proper blog. This is where I should keep track of more of my feelings, rather than a simple "this is what I did today" kind of every-day-type of entry. This is also where I will try to develop my skills of photography.

Wellbeing
My body ached all over when I woke up this morning- that must mean that 30min-60min walks I started a few days ago are really getting my body into shape. I don't think I'm overweight...well, slightly. My jeans aren't falling of me as much, and my belly bulges with gas, and so I'm more conscience of how I look. The fact I live in "the sunshine state" doesn't help much either, since I'm surrounded by skinny girls who wear tight clothes.

Boys
I'm a bit worried about Gaz, but not really. It's been two days and I'm only "worried" since I crave so much attention from him. He makes me so happy and he makes living here that much more enjoyable. He's there to talk to when I have a problem and he knows me better than myself at times.

I love you as a friend still makes me happy, but it has yet to give me a giggling, warm, stomach-turning, kind of feeling. I think it's the way I read it. He was being pissy in reaction to the mean stuff I had said, so I wasn't in the right mood when I read it. BUT HE FINALLY SAID IT and I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT FIRST.

Life Here
My nails have grown long. As much as the food can be repetitive and sometimes not to my liking, I love the variety I've never seen since my mom only knows how to cook five dishes. This is food heaven here. This room feels more like MY room, as if I never want to leave it. The bed is so big and sturdy so my back does not hurt. I was supplied with a pale green blanket that makes me smile when I see the beautiful color. Sometimes I love to detach my laptop from my desk and just lie on my bed to start typing or surfing. And my desk. I have a big desk unlike at home!

No rain means no rainbows, and I love the rainbows so. This state is true to its motto. Regardless, I feel safe here now. I feel much better now that the semester is coming to a close. Classes are not a chore and they are actually enjoyable, since that's when I get to be sociable. I do miss boys flirting with me and even chasing me, but I guess you can't have everything. Gareth and I are much closer, I feel comfortable here, and I have class friends, so all is pretty well so far. Maybe, just maybe, things will improve next semester. Maybe boys will start chasing after me!

My semester binder is almost full and it makes me feel accomplished to open it and see all that I have learned. It is also intimidating considering finals are approaching...fast. My new moleskine planner is also starting to bulge now that I've taken to printing out Gaz's emails and pasting them on the blank pages of each week. This way I can re-read his words when I get lonely, be it in class or waiting for class.

Advice
"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention.
Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day."
-Invisible Monsters

Travel
To be honest, just like with "I love you", traveling to Europe in January hasn't hit me yet. Maybe because I didn't plan on it and I was never one to get excited over Europe. I'm an Asia girl, by far. But regardless, I'm happy I get to check FIVE countries off my "Countries I've visited list" and those at LEC who had "Europe!" albums and statuses can be jealous that I've gone as well, on top of currently living in Australia. I can't hide that I've always been one to brag and one-up people I don't care much for.


Reading: The Old Man and the Sea
Days til Canberra: 24