Entry FIFTY

Writers regret, hoping he doesn't take the way I worded it wrong. He said, "both" and I took it as an invite. Otherwise he wouldn't have offered? Why worry! Wait till Monday I say!

Slowly changing like how I take more showers and how I eat brekky each morning. But also how I'm keeping up on my homework and continuing with my knitting, meaning I'm taking responsibilities. I get little surges of energy at night for some reason and I can tell when the drowsy feeling is replaced with hyperness and the desire to dance or do some work. Worried a bit about Gaz now that I've come across even more info about bulimia. My fourth week is about to start and I've already started studying for marketing and some of it seems to sink in while the rest is merely passing through. I wish I retained all the info from my marketing classes, how do people do that? Oh, and if I truly don't care for Liz then why am I playing MSN games with her? Closure, that's it. I want her to come to me and I want to blow her off. Why, not sure. But I love doing that to my ex-friends. Meanwhile, where is Pearly? She hasn't responded to me all day, which is strange. Proof that I don't just obsess about Gaz, but all people I care for.



Finished the brown stripe and now to finish the blue stripe. Not as long as I wanted, but I don't have much to work with considering mom only sent down a limited amount of yarn. For my first blanket, not so bad. This is only pushing me to continue to finish this thing, and be happy I accomplished a finished knitted piece.

This adorable email made my night!

People I've met:
-franzi
-liz
-mersiha
-hugh
-pearly
-nickx2
-gaz!

Entry FORTY-NINE

Woke up at 6am, 9am, then 11am. I needed my rest as I am sick, but I always feel guilty sleeping in. Although, I never really do any good work in the morning. It's always at mid-night and night and late night.


I'm perplexed, why did Gareth email me today??
BEST FRIEND I mean, I'm happy because it's a shock. He was supposed to email on Monday or Tuesday and the only time he's done it on a weekend is when he was at his sister's house...so maybe he was seeing if Sam emailed and instead replied to me? Who knows. Does it matter, no.

"We'll both get back there one day, and get to see the rest of the place- St Kilda, Geelong....." As in we'll go together? (Regarding me saying I miss it there and want to go back). "Probably catch up Monday, or Tuesday...soon." Aw.

He's my best friend. He makes me happy. He makes me dance to stupid songs like "scatman" to get rid of the giddy-energy he gives me.



LITTLE PLEASURES having old friends come back and maintaining friendships from back home while living over here. It's becoming difficult to keep up with though. Making sure Jess emails, or sending facebook messages if she doesn't. Christina's been accomplished as well (with Jess, asking to see when I get back), but now I will respond to her new blog to keep up. Gaz, well I didn't mention him first, since thankfully we're maintaining easily enough and it's better than never. On top of it, I send him postcards once a week as a little reminder that I'm thinking of him. Now Elaine and Pearly. Elaine is easy this semester since I have lunch and sometimes dinner with her, on top of seeing her in class and being in her group. Now Pearly we started strong and I need to make sure we keep up. MSN or best yet, facebook messages. I asked her about Melbourne and she said she'd like to see the Gold Coast, so I think we'll be fine. Kenny's invited me and Melissa to a game next season, so there you go, a double hitter. It's just exciting overall! I have good friends!


Had trouble with a rude Asian who served a girl when I was next and then got pissy and slid the jelly to me. So next time I know better. But on the way out Muslim girl smiled at me and I smiled back, so I got back to reality.

Entry FORTY-EIGHT

This is the beauty you get to see when you're up at 6am.

GESTURES Judith asked me how I was, asked if I went to palvalor, and then when it was my turn to get my meal (she asked while a handicapped girl tried to get her student card), she again said she hopes I feel better. It was a nice, pleasurable conversation that was easy, and it was a very nice gesture of her.

UNI RESIDENTS Elaine and I are much better. She tried to help with my sickness, so I bought her an Asian pear as thanks. I think she threw it out, not caring, but she didn't mean it on purpose. I don't think she understood what I meant. Regardless, dinner was pleasant and talking was easy, but I find myself talking about silly things with her.

The best part was on the way to meet her for dinner. Jillian and I smiled with pleasantries while she was with a few friends in the common room, and the two guys outside said hello. We shook hands, they said they've seen me around, and we exchanged our names. It was just nice to get to know people.

11am and I knew it had to be coming. Although it wasn't long, my favorite parts are as highlighted. Little surprises. Actually thanking me for my attempts at cheering him up. Saying he got the postcard, and showing his love for the turtle. And saying when he'll write again, although I think that's because I mentioned I'll let him know what happens (ed) on Tuesday?

Entry FORTY-SEVEN

UNI CLASSWORK "We are a minority here," Stephen said, but why? Do Aussies really align with Americans only when it benefits them? That great thing was he sat by me, meaning German boy couldn't, and I was much more relaxed because of it. In fact, he joined me outside the classroom, sitting next to me, and talking while we waited for the room to be opened. Joey joined a bit later, sat next to me to see what I was typing on my laptop, and I was just enjoying the comfort of having two "close" class friends.

UNI RESIDENTS The biggest surprise had to be Elaine coming up behind me, "Jennifer!" at the end, leading to lunch together which had pleasant pauses, and a nice dessert encounter. The cool hair Brasserie worker smiled at me and said, "see ya" and so it always feels good when they "know" you and acknowledge that.

UNI CLASSWORK Ashnita and I talked before Regional, but I want to make it my goal that we talk more. I want to get closer to her, although it will be tough. Class itself was good and Gillian had to do my presentation instead:

(per Gaz): "Had to miss last week because I was sick, so thankfully I managed to luck out, but the poor Canadian had to pay for it. Apparently the lecturer was going to assign me a presentation for this week on the differences and similarities of US and Canada. Gillian did much, much better than I ever would have been able to do but I felt bad because she was so stressed out about it and shaking a lot. Then the lecturer called NZ "our version of Mexico" and class was over."

LITTLE PLEASURES Pearly added me on facebook! I was smiling and very excited. (Per Gaz): "I couldn't believe it, but somehow Pearly found me and added me on facebook out of no where...I haven't talked to her since that one pub night November before I left after our little tiff over nothing. It was a pleasant surprise, just kind of wondering how she found me? (Didn't know she remembered my last name). Anyway, she's down in Melbourne, which means I was reminded how much I miss that city (it was definitely my favorite one we saw)."

I told her if she's ever up here to come visit. She seems really friendly and nice so far! Another lost friend has been gained again.

Then there's the pleasure of Mr. South Africa initiating talk for once and then saying, "See ya".

Lastly, Elaine came to visit again, although it wasn't smooth because I was so caught off guard. Hopefully she does it more often though.

Entry FORTY-SIX

I'm doing a lot of work and barely procrastinating! It feels so good, too.

UNI CLASSWORK good thing I really was sick, because it gave me a cover for missing the day before. He's so nice regardless, but I felt guilty since that was not the reason I skipped yesterday (it was to avoid the role play). The tute was fun again; thankfully.

DISCOVERED during the tute I was opinionated and I wanted to talk, which means I have the ability. The reason I don't in class? A large audience. So I must imagine the class is smaller and be more confident, because I can do it. I just get nervous and then I can't think clearly otherwise.

UNI RESIDENTS I happened to look up as American-Florida, Annalisa, went by and she gave me a nice smile and wave. It was a great coincidence. And Melissa? She's growing on me and I hope to run into her outside of class, because she's very nice and easy to talk to (English is great). The tute is fun with her and I learn a lot about Taiwan, so it's very pleasant.

LITTLE PLEASURES I discovered a new hideaway in line with the North Tower, on the the lake, that is perfect to sit on and study. It was such a pleasure sitting there in the setting sun reading about the regions of the world coming to power for regional study tomorrow.

IM/Text/Email/Post Another two pager? I really wasn't suspecting that because I figure his last one was just a blessing. It was yet another good email and I was happy to see he gave me his new number (aw, because he's a silly boy who doesn't think of those things). He even talked about his troubles with Sam, which didn't even phase me, wow.

KNITTING Mom sent me new yarn and it's been three weeks since I've been able to, so this feel so good. I'm like a novice-pro, still going fast and I haven't forgotten it. I'm using my wrist brace as well, and it is slowing me down just a bit, but it feels so much better.

I managed just over two inches (about six centimetres) before I had to do the rest of my work tomorrow.

Entry FORTY-FIVE

{EMAILS}
Best friend emails: Bear.
American friend emails: Christina, Jess, Kenny, Melissa at times, and once Kristen.
Family emails: Mary Rose, Lisa, Marcia, and sometimes Cassidy.

Christina's response to "I hope to see you when I get back": Get a hold of me when your back in the states mate!



CHANGE Will he remember? No. Did I get out without him noticing the plate? Hopefully. It was like a little adventure in the way that it deviated from the typical and there I was feeling awkward until I got to the fourth floor to stash my food. Temporarily. In a drawer of a random sink down a semi-secluded hallway.

LIFE HERE {As written to Gaz} Strangest thing happened. I was in line at the Brasserie and the place was packed (even the "reserve" section was filled) and for some reason I was getting nervous. Typically my heart races and I just want out of there because meanwhile people are pushing and blocking your way so you can't see the food. But I was surprisingly calm and, I don't know, I actually felt like I live here now. Like this is my home in a way, whereas last semester I would do just about anything to get out of this uni. And the other day, my communication lecturer made fun of Cleveland like it has no importance and all I could think is maybe he's never heard of it? I mean, I admit the place is not up there like NYC and LA, but I don't understand why he would mock it, not that I care much because it's just interesting to see that reaction.

Also the other day I realized that even considering how I lived last semester (basically in seclusion unless I was in class), I don't mind living on my own, so to speak (technically, do I live on my own if I'm in a dorm?). Then again, maybe I don't mind because there are the dormies and I go to class regularly which forces me out amongst all those cliques, which I would stay away from otherwise.

Entry FORTY-SIX

I'm preparing myself for embroidery. I want to learn per Krisatomic's examples. She makes it look so nice, and very un-granny like.

UNI RESIDENTS Elaine didn't even look at me when she came in class, nor did she wait for me. Do I care? Not really, but because I'm not close to her and I know I have to see her on Thursday for our meeting. And it felt great not having to sit in the cafeteria with her, forcing conversation, and watching her suck up her food. It felt good, like I was free, even though she does not suffocate me. The question is though, why?

Stephen joined us, which was my ticket to avoiding German guy, "Damien". Joey had said, "Jen!" and I looked up to see Stephen walking in to sit n front of me. We talked throughout in bits, being friendly, but he's not his usual happy self (maybe because he's being forced to take classes, and it's not me?). We talked on the way out which helped in two ways: one, gave the purposely delaying German guy a reason to back off, and two, if Elaine saw it was a way for me not to come to her.

The most important aspect of that class Icelandic girl. We were sort of cold to each other, not acknowledging the other until I asked her if it was okay if I opened the window for air. Then she added more, I added, and so forth for fifteen minutes until people really started to come in and join us. It was nice, and easy, and fun. I didn't really listen to her accent, but she's really nice. Why are the good ones always finance or some other unrelated major to mine? At least I have Arthur and Ashnita.

Woke after my nice nap to hear the lullaby- seriously, what are the chances? Bear emailed me and he seems happy and he even gave me a title again, something he hasn't done since I've come home from Canberra.

Why do I put it off? I know it won't say anything bad. Is it fear of what he didn't say or maybe that once it's over, it's over until next time?

{Reading his email: I actually said, "Fuck" at it's length. I was amazed he's written so much- maybe even the most he's ever written? I was smiling, I was very happy. He got deep with his job and roomie situation. He wished me good luck again with my assignments. He even attached a photo of a journal entry he likes (from page 4!) via the link I sent him.


CHANGE If I move back home, I'm not longer the exotic one. My travelling will be behind me, unless I keep it up. But regardless, I will no longer be the Aussie girl, or will I? And recently, I think I want to keep up with the exotic motif by learning Buddhism for good. I want to buy Teach Yourself Buddhism by Clive Erricker and finally have a religion I believe in....and yet I feel like I'm betraying God as a Catholic. It's difficult. Then there's Florida. I want to vacation in Florida for a bit, and maybe even look for a job. Jess wants to come as well. I just feel the need to be free.

IM/Text/Email/Post Somehow I've managed to perfect the typical introduction talks with new students.
1. Is this your first semester?
2. How do you like it?
3. What do you think of the class?
4. Do you live on campus?
5. Have you seen much of Australia yet?

UNI CLASSWORK I went to the library, feeling very scholarly with my Bond tote to hold my books. A nice elderly woman took care of me, and I felt sort of awkward when the nice Chinese man I saw upstairs came down and watched my "Chinese" titled books go under the scanner. Maybe it made his day? Either way, it felt great walking down the steps with all my books and starting to type out my section of the marketing paper.

Entry FORTY-FIVE

AMERICAN HOME We were never that close at work, with him only paying me attention towards the end when he had something to say or he wanted to tease me like he did Doris. In fact, at first I didn't like him much because he would come over when Doris was training me and not even look at me. And so it was slow, and therefore I was amazed and confused when he asked for my email address before I left. Was it because I was going to Australia? Came down here and it was awkward at first with the emails, but now he emails almost instantly the next day. I should be flattered, I know. And when/if it stops, I will miss it.

Opening my email in the morning I found two from Kenny (normal), one from Lisa, and none from Bear. I was disappointed in the Bear reaction, but then again I know he will on Monday, his day off. Just love knowing he loves me. He is my source of comfort, communication, sanity, and love. Now I have Elaine and I'm not so dependent on communicating with him since I actually have a friend here, but she could never replace him.

Lisa cried when I told her Geauga Lake as we know it no longer exists. I was surprised by her reaction- crying? I understand we spent almost all our lives there, but crying?

Christina also emailed me (hotmail account, as usual, just like Liz). It is going great, hope you are doing good, drop me an email sometime about your travels and what you have been up to. Is that sincere? She didn't have to reply or even send the original email, so I guess. I hope it is because I do miss her friendship and hope to see her when I get back. In fact, I should tell her that.

DISCOVERED I realized as I was drifting off to sleep the other night how Liz has impacted me. I treat Elaine with girl-love because Liz taught me how. She taught me how to maintain female friendships. Too bad ours didn't work.

READING It was such a beautiful, and yet chilly, day that I went to my secluded spot outside the Business building to read since I was too afraid of the lake steps. I tried, I really did, but there were too many people walking around for once. For shame, being afraid as being seen as a "dork". I finished Memoirs of a Geisha, although it was disappointing towards the end and I just wanted it over with about about pages to.

INVITES Kenny has invited me and Melissa to a Tribe game next year, and it made me so happy I was dancing around. Knowing that I will have friends when I get back is very important to me.

(Where is Jess? She hasn't replied to my email lately.)

Around 5:45pm I had to wait for Jillian to leave, only to find out how wonderful it was that it happened. I came across a waving, smiling Ashnita who stopped me on the way to the IGA. She asked what I was up to, I asked her if she moved (yes!), we talked about regional study, and she invited me to a housewarming party! I really want to get closer to her. She'd be a great and fun friend.

Then walking the boardwalk I ran into Anna from communication. It took both of us a second to realize who each other was and she was so happy, smiling, talking. She told me it was "good for you" that I was walking with my groceries (extra weight) and we said, "see ya."

ADVICE It pays off to even say hello and sit next to people in class.

Entry FORTY-FOUR

DISCOVERED how good it feels to finally get motivated and complete some work. How once I start, I can't stop.

IM/Text/Email/Post The next day when I finally couldn't take it and read it, having peaked a bit like a little girl but wanting to save it for a good time, I said "Holy fuck" at it's length. I don't know if he's ever written something longer than that before for me.

I smiled while I read it. I loved it, in fact. His sarcasm and all.

{I hiccuped past ten pm, not realizing it could be him. Just as I went to click on a link I mistakenly clicked on his facebook, only to find he added someone at 10:17pm. I hope he didn't get sad when he saw I hadn't replied yet. So I hurried and replied hoping he'll see it tomorrow}


Hi Gen,

Well, I went back to the gym today, and it worked out pretty well (the first five/ten minutes are always painful anyway), and I am feeling better...I'm off solid food too- not feeling great, so it's off to the bottle shop for some bourbon/dark rum for the next few days (except breakfast of course), think I'll live off mixed drinks for a few days (old fashioneds sound cool, or a made up version of what you had in Brisbane, remember the one with all of the berries..I feel the need for some lazy warm days for a little bit, even if it is cold outside), and little bits of chocolate/biscuits...

It's rediculous how I manage to set things up, after I get all the pay forms soughted out (I need to get a proof of age ID to finish the forms) the day I finally get payed is the 3/10. Of course it ends up being the day after the booking...so I guess I'll just have to steal some money of my mum or dad (or both) just for that day...huff!

When it comes out in a few months? It'll be years before we get it on video...but yeah, I might go see it next week or something.

I'm tossing between annoyed and relieved at the moment. On of the other instructors returned to "work" (to be honest I just feel like I'm filling in for someone more qualified/better at the job at the moment anyway- I had an idea, maybe I can just jump from institute to institute using the last one as a reference before I get caught out for not actually having any idea what I'm supposed to be doing! And there are so many of them that I could just go on forever, maybe I'd even find something I'm good at along the way...now that's a crazy thought, but you never know)...so one of the instructors has returned from whatever he was doing (I think it's going to happen every six weeks, I wasn't really listening) and my work load has gone down a day...I've lost my Mondays. I'm yet to fully decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, it's (was) my biggest day so I'm earning 100 less each week, but now I don't have to work as much (which is appealling to my lasiness, and dog tiredness too, did I tell you I'm so tired? And so white to, it's disgusting...I think the two are connected).

Apart from that not much...the guys at the house are thinking of shifting us all to another house somewhere (I think they're having fantasies about on in Lyneham...manely because it has a pool, not to mention being the size of a castle. Now I'd love to live there but it could be just a little unrealistic-600 dollars a fortnight between four probably a bit to expensive...unless there's a tiny room in which case I'll take that one...it does have a pretty varanda though, better than the pool). One of the guys is moving on to Sydney, he's the one that just pisses me off for some reason (not that anyone knows), so there's that at least (he's the one you didn't meat).

Hmm I haven't read 'memoirs', but I have seen the movie, I remember being confused and amused about why they decided to hire chinese actresses to fill all of the major roles (it's not like japanese women don't act???), bit boring though, I can tell it's a book that'd never quite grab me. There's a japanese lady who writes crime novels though (based in japan) that I want to read, but I've totally forgotten who she is...

Maybe you should switch to hot chocolate instead, after all the caffiene in the tea and coke can't help, and for some reason (seritonins or something) hot chocolate is supposed to help with sleep.

Oh come on! That's not creative- "let's make a bag in the shape of an octopus", I bet some little kid's mother already did it yonks ago. Now writing a decent piece of music, or whatever..that's creative.

Sorry about the last email too, I had to end it abrubtly...I sat down at the wrong computer without realising (some fat bastard had taken mine of course- they should make electric chairs that only let the right person on at the computer...that's also creative) and had to jump off when the lady who booked it turned up...couldn't be bothered to tell the other guy to piss off.

Hey there we go, biscuits and milk is an idea I agree with...microwaved biscuits (unless by some amazing stroke of luck you can find just baked ones somewhere).

See ya,
Gareth.

Think my sister's dog could be epileptic, apparently it had a fit on Monday morning just before big sis was going to work...which is...shit.

And that's all done (have to remember football shorts- maybe black, or black and gold harlequin...)

Apparently the last bits are when he was reply and he forgot to add them in. I think it's cute, because he replies the way I reply.


UNI RESIDENTS "anything good?" Jillian asked me while I was carrying my dinner back and we were talking about that while her phone tried to connect. "Not working!" and we started discussing phone services. She's nice, I just wish we could get closer. At least she's talking first now!

Entry FORTY-THREE

UNI CLASSWORK AND RESIDENTS She's difficult, but I knew that from the start. She thinks from a Chinese prospective, forgetting we're in Australia, thinking I'm lying about Aussie women working while pregnant! And then the presentation. She's a fucking hard-head. On the bus to Pacific Fair, where I offered to join her for her mistake while she returned a shirt, she was arguing with me about the presentation. She told me, not asked me, that I had to give it...even though so far I'm the one doing all the fucking work. Things got better, but then in her room on the way back she was odd. Cold. Upset? And I asked when to meet for lunch and she said something about doing some reading and going at 11:40, but not about meeting me. I told her I would be there at 11:30, but never went. I don't play games.

What to do, what to do?

"Hey guys," Jillian said as she passed through while the skinny Malaysian just mouthed something to me (so unusual). I was surprised by both: that Jillian bothered and the Malaysian wasn't her usual chatty self.


IM/Text/Email/Post Just happen to be awake as it came! It was such a pleasant coincidence.

UNI RESIDENTS I got back to my room after the meeting not worrying, but wondering what was up. Why did she act so pissy? She took over, wouldn't listen, wouldn't look at me at first, and didn't want to present any part of the presentation. And yet things changed and we were all talking and laughing at the end, all such headstrong personalities, and she waved goodbye with a "Bye, Jennifer!" I just didn't understand.

But then she called my dorm and sounded really strange. Not cold, but scared or worried or sad. She asked to have dinner with me so we could talk (after I offered to come over, why Liz has helped so much in the past). Honestly I was worried, it was like she was depressed.

I sat outside the brasserie waiting, not afraid of people looking, and she came. For forty-five minutes we talked about her problem, how she doesn't think she can do well with the Aussie school system, or English. That's why she was acting strange, trying to hide the fact that she is scared and doesn't think she'll do well (hence wanting me to present). I tried to help, assuring her that I've been through it, and at the end she looked better. She said I had helped, and it looked it, but she still looked a bit worried.

It felt great to help. And now I know our friendship is okay, too.

DISCOVERED I get really frustrated when a non-native English speaker misunderstands me and acts like I'm the unitelligent one. Also, I need to be more patient when this happens.

INVITES Audrey caught me as I was going in my room and she was coming out. She's so cute, that smile on her face the entire time, and waving hello and goodbye. I was talking to her before she had to leave, about how "jealous" I was that she was going swimming, and she invited me to come next time. That made me feel very good.

Entry FORTY-TWO

DISCOVERED I rarely look closely at myself, the little dots of brown covering my arms. Ones I've never seen before. My skin is such a pretty shade of golden brown that I envy those who have it naturally.

INVITES Damien, I think that's his name, asked me out during marketing, or at least I think he did. He kept asking questions the entire time during marketing and I was mumbling, "uh-huh" Apparently that's him flirting? But lesson learned, make sure you know what they are saying. He asked me if I would go to the beach with him right after class, and thankfully Elaine had just asked me at the beginning if I would go to lunch with her. My saviour.

UNI RESIDENTS We went to Pacific fair together, me skipping regional study, and enjoying it. We laughed so hard. Three hours long went so fast, that's how easy it was. I finally have a friend to shop with, (a female I mean, to replace Liz), and I love that. Someone to help me to get a new wardrobe. She even made fun of the Chinese, herself:

(an email to Bear):
"This may be funnier in person (one of those "you had to be there" things), but I have to tell you this. Know how there's a general consensus about Chinese made products as to their quality? Well the Chinese girl was looking at a shirt at Supre and was asking where it was made (I figured China, but I looked anyway). And when I told her she actually shouted, "No! Chinese clothes are horrible, the colors run!" Don't think I've ever heard that from a Chinese person before, so I as pretty much shocked to her response and highly amused."

IM/Text/Email/Post I was gone all day until 7pm, so I didn't have time to think about Gaz and I didn't wonder once if he had emailed me. And he did, I felt so much better at that, like someone told me they loved me. I knew he would, I had no doubt, but just wondering when.

My favorite part: "Yay! Thank god, one presentation done, yeah, I always had a buzz after finishing my speeches- even if they were bad though (probably just the stress messing with my head I suppose)."

Entry FORTY-ONE

UNI CLASSWORK Wish Audrey wasn't stopped so I could say hello, so she knows I'm not blowing past a second time, but I think it's all okay. And what does it matter anyway? We're just friendly dormies. Well, that's a bad attitude, so it does matter.

More importantly, there was my second tute for intercultural communications, which was much better than I expected. DISCOVERED I really do know what I'm doing, I just need a smaller audience. With him, I was fine talking about my article from memory, because I didn't have twenty others listening.

The Vietamese girl, Melissa, knows more about international relations than I do and it makes me feel inferior. I don't like politics, I don't care about them, and so I don't know much about it. But do people understand? No. Regardless of feeling pretty much unintelligent, the tute went so fast with the two of us and he loved how much work I did (the readings and questions) and so that made me feel good.

On the way out he asked if we're gay after assigning an article to read about homosexuality, and I couldn't believe it. He was laughing and didn't mean it that way, but that was incredibly unprofessional...and I answered! Number one rule, don't answer at all. But I did, and I can't believe I told him no, even though it was inappropriate of him. And so, there I have it, the first and hopefully last time I will ever be asked that.

As she and I walked down the steps she initiated the talk down the slow stairway. "Do you have more classes today?" I like her. She's kind, she smiles a lot, and she speaks wonderful English.

CULTURE On the way to the dorm I passed an Indian girl with perfect English showing how much cultures blend: "I love this stuff! I'm going to have it everyday now!" regarding Pearly Tea.

BEST FRIEND Asshole didn't email me. Pfft, whatever. I had my hopes up; it fit his pattern and I two 11:11s and lots of hiccups that morning around 9am, but apparently I was wrong.

Unrelated, but Gaz said the words "I love you as a friend" first, which is amazing. Really, it is. And I never let it sink in because of the time it happened, when we were at each other after I started it (as usual). It reminded me after seeing Klara's "I love you as a best friend because you saw something in me when no one else did," and it made me realize I have that. I have that! And so I must remember that. Especially when it takes me (now) two days to reply to an email. He loves me!

UNI CLASSWORK My stomach churned seeing my name on a powerpoint slide for tomorrow. Instinct pushed me to just happen to check the slides for regional.

Entry FORTY

IM/Text/Email/Post Finally I did it, I joined postcrossing and I've already sent out my first postcard. And so now I will hopefully have a lot of pretty postcards to hang around, from all over the world, although the downside is the fact that it's nothing really personal.



I'm tan without even trying. Taking a shower the other day I realized looking tan how different my breasts were compared to my arms. The paleness to such a golden brown, that looks so natural that I didn't even notice. But when did this happen?

UNI RESIDENTS Ran into Jillian this morning on the porch and she said first thing, "I'm freezing!" She's nice, I know it, but it's taking us a while. And I think she's finally warming up to me trying to be really friendly to her. I explained to her how to turn on the heat in her room and she was still smiling, so that felt great to be able to help and the fact she initiated it.

UNI CLASSWORK So proud of how I wasn't nervous until I stood up there alone. And even then my voice nor my hands shook. I just had the nervous feeling, but I don't think I showed it and so I was confident to do so well! Many factors played in: I set up before they arrived, the lights were dimmed, there were only eight people, and there was no lecturer.

Thankfully the Floridian girl helped me without realizing it by walking with me, acting as a leader of the herd and responding to my initial question. Together we walked and talked and it made me feel so good to have someone on my side, so that it didn't look like I was alone or felt it as well.

In we came and like I've mentioned, there wasn't much fear. In fact, I think I was excited. Melissa helped a lot, more than I thought, and she was level headed and knew what to do. Need to learn to think clearly at all times. And it went well and I didn't get nervous when I noticed the two Aussies at the end looking kind of in either disgust or in confusion. It pushed me to ask if everyone understood and it made me stronger instead of hindering me like it's always done in the past. After they started they were all nice to me, so it had to be confusion, which was understandable.

Now I know how a teacher must feel. Thank you to the South Carolina girl for volunteering to be an observer. No one else raised their hand.

It went so smoothly and I was able to explain every question, which made me feel even more empowered and confident. Although I have to learn how to explain more clearly, I was still able. We were all laughing while they played and overall they treated me very well. Talking to me, which means this gave me a chance to make some "temporary friends". It was unbelievable how over an hour passed and it seemed like only ten minutes. My mouth ache from laughing and smiling the whole time in pleasure.

Even though a few of the Aussies stopped listening after a while, they weren't rude- I think I mumble and carry on too long.

Back in the classroom they lead the discussion and I held back, because I was thrown back into a bigger audience. I was glad one of the Aussies was able to explain how our Beta language worked because my mind was too mumbled to reorganize the information in my head. We all laughed and we all acted like a family, like when people do that on the last day of school because they figure that it may be the last time they see everyone. So everyone talks and the happiness just flows.

On way out, the chubby aussie said "see ya", so that made me feel so good. She could've ignored me like most Aussies do, but no, she looked at me and said it. I was so startled that my reply was a little delayed.

I was adrenaline happy. The presentation was so smooth, Gaz had wished me luck beforehand unlike my own mom, people were kind and talking to me, and so I couldn't stop smiling and talking to people. If no one was around, I would've probably skipped to the brasserie. I took up a conversation with the dark lipstick girl who was kind to me as usual.

UNI RESIDENTS Don't know how to take Elaine. I'm worried because I was a little off by trying to explain to her that I don't like crowded Brasseries and then kind of did the, "okay, let's go" thing. Not mean, but I wonder how she took it? But from what she explained, she doesn't analyse things, so I believe we're fine.

I was walking fast, not in anger but out of habit, and she asked me to slow down. We were walking like sloths, barely taking steps, but it really didn't annoy me much. It's just that's not exercise. But I complied and we talked with no problem for an hour. It was pleasant and I was even able to help her with boy trouble, like a real girlfriend. She's no Liz or Franzi, but she's entertaining. There's a language barrier at times and she's not very westernized, but she's loving and caring and fun.

IM/Text/Email/Post Nah, we're fine. She called and asked how to fix her internet. So in other words, I'm the closest person she has here. Aw.

LITTLE PLEASURES taking walks and having deep talks with someone you're trying to get closer to.

UNI RESIDENTS After dinner on the way out the Muslim girl opened the door for me and asked if I lived in the South Tower, and we had our first conversation. She's so nice and I happen upon her all the time, although she's easy to spot. All because she happened to ask me where two buildings were on separate occasions, the second time recognizing me. So each time I see her, I say hello.

Entry THIRTY-NINE

UNI CLASSWORK I had the urge to see the wet, fluffy tea leaves inside, so I slit open my non-used teabag. It was an urge that came to me and I spontaneously did, spilling it all over. Felt so good.

I bumped into the middle eastern guy at the bottom floor of the business building and said a nice hello to him. He smiled and it made me feel good. I love when people recognize me from class. Then Joey walked into class once I got up there, smiling when he saw me and that made me feel even better.

Elaine sat with Joey this time, which sort of hurt me, but she was talking with me throughout and that made it better. She even asked if we were going to have lunch together afterwards. The downside? The creepy German sat next to me and stared, but only said one sentence before we left.

Saw Elaine's room before lunch and she shared her cookies with me, reminding me of how Liz used to do that. I just wish I wasn't so shy and sat down right away. I always feel like I'm sort of invading even though I am not.

(LITTLE PLEASURES) We went to Lakeside and it was a very long line, all the way out the door. The girl behind me asked if there were any slips of paper left, after I thought of giving her my extra, and then I did so (wish I had the first time when I thought of it). She was so happy it surprised me. There's such a pleasure in helping and seeing someone so happy.

(LITTLE PLEASURES) Judith recognized me, which made me feel good (along with that stoner guy, short blond, cool-hair woman, and once-mean woman!). We sat outside to eat and for once I wasn't conscience of eating around her, after all I'm still getting to know her, because she looked down most of the time. Asians have a messy way of eating anyway, so I had no problem with my salad.

We had a heart-to-heart kind of talk about her troubles with her friendships (and also earlier how I'm her only visitor to her room), which made me feel happy and made me wonder at the same time. Does that mean she likes me? Or doesn't like me and wants other friends? (Only to find out later that I'm the only one who knows her boyfriend never wants to get married and that she's so happy to have me as a friend).

Bear emailed me, but I didn't have time to let it sink in since Elaine was around. After we departed I went to the library to get Memoirs of a Geisha and ended up with a nice, talkative librarian. Except for the (gay?) young guy at night, it's hard to find nice ones. So walking out with that in mind along with seeing beautiful white flowers bloomed on the path was enough to make me smile and feel warm.

UNI RESIDENTS Had a nice run-in with Arthur who was very nice finally and we were talking all the way to the library. I think the Hugh stuff is in the past finally.

It's difficult to record my past memories when my most recent ones are fading from me. How much I loved New Year's Eve at Grandma's, drinking fake champagne, and feeling cool because I could stay up so long. Then New Year's Eve last year when Gaz made me cry. Or the year before when my high school friends were partying and I stayed home, friendless.

Shopping with my mom every week.

Lisa pounding on the tub singing "tub thumping" as Aunt Mickey screamed at her. Lisa pretending we were going to the library and me being so naive I didn't get she was kissing a boy in his house while I waited outside. Playing on the playground with Albert. His name was so old fashioned that I remember. Or when we were in Pymatuning and she announced she had a boyfriend, named Albert, only for years later to be married a second time at twenty-one. How our lives change!

Lisa and I always wanted to write a book on our family, maybe we should.

The first time we talked about it was in high school. It was a drawing class that I took as an elective and in some sort of coincidence, she had signed up for as well. We were laughing in the back row of desks and talking about how we thought our family was crazy. "We will have to write a book about this one day," I laughed. She agreed, however, I was serious.

Entry THIRTY-EIGHT

BEST FRIEND Reading The Lovely Bones page 200, made me think of the night I needed Gareth the most. Roaming a still existing Tops, that's how long ago this was, and wanting to call him. Call him and ask him if he can make me laugh because I was sad. Sad about him, but I wouldn't tell him that. Never did, and I don't know if I would today. The difference being, he doesn't make me sad like that any more. He actually emails me all the time and so I don't feel lonely. But if I really needed to call, I know I could.

This year he'll remember my birthday. And Jess should as well considering there is facebook. And that makes me so happy. I don't want to be forgotten. Almost every year since junior high at least someone has made me feel special with an email, call, gift, or meeting. I don't want that to stop. Last year I barely had Gareth, and I hope that this year is better.

First thing I noticed when I walked in the room was how he hung photos of me on the wall. Did he do that during the Hargraves days? I'm trying to keep little mental notes and the new things I've learned, daisies and poppies and rock-climbing, and the old things I've forgotten, mulberries. Best of all, when I passed some small, wild daisies and decided just as I passed them to go back and pick one for him. When I handed it to him he smiled so wide, thanked me, and told me he was going to press it. I hope he realizes that was me saying, "I love you."

I love his family, I love him, and I don't want to start over again. It was hard enough the first time. But then I realize that I'm starting over again from Liz with Jess and Elaine. Not so hard after all? Maybe the fact I was always terrible at playing house and never liked it when I tried, is why I don't want domestic life. That, and the one I love may not be the one I love that way. He might not have ever loved me that way, either.



The boy next door strums because sounds from his acoustic. I happened to look up at almost the last passing point to see him sitting alone on the porch next door. Wishing I could be brave enough to say, "I love when you play," I continued on and opened my windows to hear instead.

Just not pretty. I feel they all look at me as I pass, so I put on a sour face. Although I got a late start, I went to the library around noon thinking only residents without computers would be in there, and I was right. Quiet to the point I was brave enough to go to the main room to search for a computer. Shortly after I finished copying the powerpoint to the desktop, two Japanese girls arrived to join me. I left after she looked at me, I don't feel comfortable with that.

As written to Gareth: "It's so sticky hot here already that I'm eating lots of oranges, pears, and apples and trying to stay out of the sun. Although, not so good I guess since I noticed a very apparent tan the other day I didn't know I had. Kind of looked down in the shower and went, 'oh, a tan, uh, how?'"

UNI RESIDENTS Tea stains all over my desk, at least three cups a day. These Aussies have a way of influencing me. I heard "Jennifer!" three times before realizing it was Elaine. She's a good kind of crazy and I felt so good stepping out barefoot to greet her. I asked if she wanted to go see the Boardwalk and I converted her. She asked if we can walk everyday after dinner- I was elated!

And so things are looking up. Not what I expected, but close enough. I thought I would have some Japanese friends, maybe a Japanese boyfriend, and dormies that loved me. Instead I have a close Chinese friend, a Chinese guy that had a crush on me, and two really nice Malaysian dormies. And I have Ashnita in my one class and Elaine in another. Not bad at all.

That night I got the urge to return my library book. She was on the porch smoking, I jumped so high that I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop and she was as well. We laughed. We acted like friends. It was like we liked each other and then I felt good towards her. Returning she was on the porch with four friends and she introduced me as, "This is my roommate, Jen." That surprised me. She introduced me and remembered my name.

DISCOVERED be nice no matter what.

IM/Text/Email Kenny's emailing me a lot, like I would do with Gareth, and it's scaring me. Why is he suddenly closer to me? What is going on? Wish I knew what went through boy's minds. And Gaz himself. Is he getting closer or further away? Adore how he finally emailed me the day after and he's getting busier, so now it's every other day. Can't complain. It's just enough.

Entry THIRTY-SEVEN

ADVICE "everyone's journey is different."

This morning I think Elaine called and I was disappointed there was no message. Who else could it be? I would call back, but that would be odd. Maybe I should call tomorrow to study?

Donned some shorts with a long AE shirt that made me look cute, since just a bit of short-shorts is in. Or at least in America it is. Although I stay away from wearing AE shirts, I can't help it, especially since it's easier now that campus is just filled with Americans. Felt so sexy in shorts; so summery. A breeze ran over my legs, I felt free as I could move more easily, and the touch of my skin to the air felt sexy in of its self.

Keeping in touch feels so good. I facebooked Lisa a birthday message (thankfully it reminded me, how sad I forgot her birthday almost!) and now I'm in the process of replying to emails still in my inbox. I crave that female friend, someone to watch out for me, and someone to hug me. Someone to get dressed up with and go out. A female, that is. No one will be able to replace my Gaz, my Bear, my Gareth. I know we're best friends, but I hope we're not slipping away. I hope his 'boring' emails are only because he writes all the time now. I hope he wanted to hug me more...oh, yes, that's right- he's the one to hug me the second time.

How did I change so much and will I change even more by the end of this graduation?

DISCOVERED how beautiful a walk at 5:30pm can be. The sky was like a paining with thick stokes of muted blue, muted grey, and a tad of pink towards the horizon. Then it changed. Suddenly it was like a spotlight in the middle with a section of the sky illuminated with pale, light blue and bright yellows while surrounded by dark grey. It was gorgeous. Ducks were swimming in lines and birds were sleeping on rocks.

BEST FRIEND his line of, "You were known as Gareth's best friend," keeps running through my head at the oddest of times. I wish I knew the context of when it was said, who said it, and what they meant by it. He confessed it, I believe, when I was whining about his care for me.

REVIEW I wished we hugged more and took more photos of the two of us, but I have no regrets with Canberra. Yet again our fights got us closer and I think we're doing well. He sat close to me, got me gifts from work, asked for my attention, wanted me to come with him, and slept so close. He said he loved me again without saying it when I asked why he wouldn't let go of me when I pushed. Even remember him saying he'd come see me when he saved the money, per my whining request a week earlier.


Said by Daniele from Bigbrother8 on her LJ (241dani):
"Sometimes it seems like the things you want most in life take the longest to attain. Is that bad? Or does it just make you appriciate it more in the end? If you ever get it..."

Often I wonder, what are people doing at this moment? I'm sitting here watching a rugby game, is Gareth watching it as well?

Entry THIRTY-SIX

Class makes me tired. I went to bed at two am thinking I could easily get up at 6am, only to wake to a bunch of talking and thinking, "everyone is up at seven am?" It was half past eleven, and I was so upset I slept so much. Still tired, my eye ache, and I haven't been able to get much done except to buy my two course books. That's it. I hope Bear emails me because it's been two days and this is the pattern. Every second day. Please email me even though I missed my eleven-eleven wish! I hiccuped and I hope that's a good sign. This as the heat sticks to me and I feel the weight of my dark clothes. I'm not cute enough to dress like them, I feel odd. Once I'm finished with my masters, will I feel special, different? Those will PhDs like to flaunt it, so will I have that with my masters? None of my friends from LEC have one! I should feel good. Then this thought came: maybe he'll actually acknowledge my birthday on time this year. Not get me anything I know, but at least remember.

ADVICE The girl, the young snotty brunette, took care of me and didn't bother acknowledging me, so for now on I will do the same. I won't even say hello.

INVITES Elaine, my new Chinese friend, called about the meals and I'm glad that she calls about questions like that. Must mean she's not that close to anyone, which is great considering I'm not that way another either when it comes to campus. She asked me to call when I'm studying so we can do it in the library, and I said for sure. So come next week we should do that!

The heat is getting better, but I still don't like. Buy fresh fruit as often as I can to get some cold juices in my stomach in an attempt to mellow out the hot tea I need for a caffeine rush. Sounds of summer, helicopters buzzing and 'brrr brrr' ahead. Construction workers with their backup beeping from their large trucks. Shovels, machinery. I want to close my window but I can't because I'm trying to not use the A/C. It's not so bad having open windows as I can people watch and hear their somewhat private conversations, which keeps me busy as I'm locked up inside.

IM/Text/Email You're such a dork with your dorky smile, warm feeling inside, and beating heart as your slowly read the email you sent him and you happen to receive his reply. I was calm about it, but worried before the notification knowing that I won't hear from him over the weekend. So, thank you.

After receiving a still unread email from him and pleasing myself as the yank walked from the common room, I was ready to start reading some of my assignments. Get started early, that's what I have to do. Done well so far, but could've done better.

Several hours later, before the day was officially over, I finally opened his email. It wasn't so much from fear but trying to make it last. That, and I'm always afraid it will be so short and boring. Yep, I was right. Nothing special at all except that he got the postcard (surprised he mentioned it), thanked me for the photos (unusual of him), wanted to send me a photo of the tattoo design, and he said he'll write again soon (or he meant me, don't know). Content wise it was short, but I guess he still loves me and is telling me everything considering his life is slow (no lie this time, I experienced it).

So meh, I'm just glad he emailed :)


supposedly means 'Jenny':
أنثي الطائر

Entry THIRTY-FIVE

ADVICE Ran into the American dormie, Jillian, on my way to class and I purposely looked at her but didn't say anything. "Give two spoonfuls of salt and a spoonful of sugar," ran though my head subconsciously (best advice Pearly ever gave me). It worked because she asked when the cleaners come and then smiled big with thanks. Just tired of trying to come up with small talk with her and her acting as if I'm bothering her. So no more, it's up to her.

UNI CLASSWORK Was early as well as Joey, who didn't seem too happy to see me at first. We did the usual greetings and soon I gave up since he wasn't too into it. There's comfort in knowing someone for a semester and knowing nothing is wrong and then confirming this when

She sat next to me, perfectly as I had planned, although I didn't plan for her to be one of the last ones in. At first it looked as if she wasn't going to until I looked up and realized after she said hello, but I passed it off. I just felt awkward having friends in there and yet sitting at a table alone. Loneliness. Smiling trying to pass it off. Trying to look busy meanwhile, but trying not to go over the top.

Time came to pick groups and if I didn't have a friend, it would've been awkward as the way he set it up. Such a big class and a "go to it" reaction. She and I were together unspokingly and then a German in front kept turning around to watch us. He shyly asked if we had three yet and asked to join us, to which Elaine took over about thankfully. Then came the moment where he managed to mess up by thinking we were group five when we were really group one, thus wasting twenty minutes and leaving it a mystery to everyone but us. Not a big deal, but that we will have to go first, starting on October twenty-second.

UNI RESIDENTS After marketing she followed me down the stairs and asked what we would before the Brasserie opened, which was nice. An unspoken act that meant we would eat together, like as if it were expected. Which means every Monday and Thursday I will be eating lunch with her in the Brasserie, a nice social change. I love that. Although the first time around was easier since I was able to somehow come up with a bunch of questions, this time was more comfortable. I was slacking a little in the conversation department, but she was as well. Once dessert came she shared with me, yet another oriental custom I am still trying to get used to.

After lunch I was upset to see her go, but what can I do? I tried to hint that she could stay in my room for an hour before I had class, but she had already seen it while the cleaners were still there and that was good enough for the time being. I guess I'm trying to get her to fill my female friend void.

My last class, finally! I arrived early and then a weird looking German came in, with cross eyes and a funny shaped face, not that I'm making fun of him. I created small talk and he advanced it in a smooth way, and thankfully we were talking as Arthur entered. I was nice and said hello, he did that blank stare he does with the delayed "Jen", and I continued with the German. Ashnita soon entered, THANKS!, and so now I know I have a friend in there and that we can talk even more. She asked how my break was and we were laughing about Canberra (she remembered) and I asked how her's was. Like old friends, I love that. It always feels important when I know people and strangers watch.

Neva came soon after and I like her. This presentation shouldn't be too hard, and the class only has nine people who all seem so nice. A small class is so comforting, secure. Can say anything. And Neva makes it interesting, tells her stories, and doesn't try to cram in a lot of information. She smiles the whole time and makes it fun. She's renewed my faith in my major!

"See ya, Jen," Ashnita made a point of before she left ahead of me. It made me smile and feel so good. I can't wait to talk to her more.

DISCOVERED I'm becoming more open with my feelings with Gareth for some reason. I'm actually saying what I'm thinking and maybe our little fights in Canberra had something to do with that. Maybe I know how blessed close we are, how much he loves me, and what it feels like to push him away only to have him fight to stay. I feel secure.

But also how good it feels to have emails from Kenny, Melissa, and Jessica still in my inbox and how bad it is not to see one from Kristen, although I don't think we would've reconnected again outside of LEC.

Also, I tend to stay away from the unknown when it comes to empty stores and small town shops such as those in the country and those out in Hunter Valley. How do mom and Bear do it? I must be able to walk into a store with no one in it, my head held up high, and knowing that I have every right to be in there no matter what I look like.

Entry THIRTY-FOUR

Slowly trying to improve my photography with new colors.
Using layers and brown filters.

UNI CLASSWORK I was scared because I happened upon the undergrad tute, not knowing I had a separate one, and he saw me to which he invited me in. He introduced me as the post-grad and his partner, which made me feel important, so I said hello to everyone. I feel like this is a job again. I feel superior. That will help when I have to give the presentation. So turns out for an hour on my own with him I will have tute. He also explained how I'm helping him out by giving this presentation, and that he will "take that into consideration" towards my mark. Uh, yep! So a thirty minute presentation to 10-15 students? Not so bad at all. Better than what I thought and I feel much better. Now's just the fifteen minute workshop, but he said several times he will help me :)

UNI RESIDENTS I ran into Audrey who had a big smile on her face when she saw me, making me feel important. We had a good short chat before I had to leave for lunch, and it feels so good to talk more and more. No more hiding in my room, that's silly. There was also the Brasserie worker, the younger one from Lakeside Grille, who saw me after the chubby mean blond was being her usual self and said, "Hey, doll." Made me feel like I belonged and I didn't stop smiling until I got to my room.

ADVICE Change life around a bit, redecorate your room! I've been inspired somehow to make my room more of a home and even more artsy. More inspiring. I printed paintings and drawings to hang on my beautiful cream walls, almost the color of moleskines. Printed my Canberra photos along with some American ones to randomly group on my walls. Next was a new Frankie poster and three paintings on the negative space in the bathroom.

Feel so lost without a book to read, so I'm going tonight to get The Lonely Bones again. I need something to perk up my imagination, to keep me busy.

BEST FRIEND I was waiting for it because somehow I knew it was coming, and there it was. Nice and slow since my computer was lagging and his name just slid up gracefully as I smirked wide and felt warm inside. Somehow I knew it was short, but so what? I heard from him the next day, like usual.

Sep 12, 2007 1:25 PM
"Wednesday"

Hey, ginger fish and brown rice sounds cool, and tandoori chicken.

Hmm, I think you should take some ti chi classes to switch of the nervous thing (I could not survive with the lack of sleep you get). I keep falling asleep after reading about ten pages of the book, so I think I might try reading while I have dinner or something (come to think of it, I tried that last night...and almost fell asleep).

I might be cooking bacon and eggs for the red cross kitchen on saturday mornings...I'll have to wait and see where that goes, sound kind of fun though.

Eh, australia were always going to win (the surprise is how much they won by! New Zealand can usually get scores like that, but generally Australian peaters out at about fifty), I'm loving it- I wish there was a game every day though (come to think of it I think there might be one tonight...so a late night for me (I'm trying to find some exercises for the new sick people who've come in, maybe I can do it then because I can't find anything in the library).

Don't worry too much about the rules, they're bringing in a new bunch next season, so by the time you've got a grip of these ones you'll have to learn a new set! (even if it's not that hard).

Hooray, I'll keep my fingers crossed for the movies- I'll have to wait a long time I'm guessing.

Okay, now it's my turn to say I'll write a proper email next time round...my times up.

see you.

Gareth.

The weather is changing to spring and I can feel it in the air, all sticky with windows open. We would fight, words exchanged civilly and sometimes with anger, but in the end my heart and your maturity and determination kept us together. Think of days in the future where you will come visit, and I hope you stay. Until then I hope your mature enough to say money, make your way up here, and if not, then I'm not sure. But the new me is not worried. Keeping tabs on emails to find hidden emotion. Still love? Hope so. Know so. Looking forward to the Polaroid of your tattoo that should arrive one day as my gold key slides in the slot. Anyone around in case my hand touches nothing? No? Good. Hand slips in and hopefully graces your mail. Spending my days trying in vain to keep in contact with those at home, my love here, and up to date with the stress of my subjects. Day one, day two, day three, weekend can't come soon enough. Meeting more people slowly, seeing some old faces, and being greeted by once grumpy uni workers. I love how we still have so much to say and I hope it stays that way.

Entry THIRTY-THREE

acadmic, yet ppt and books to look up for and stumble. eas to talk to, not too bored.

walk next to. so i ask hwere. she so nice. see ya when diverted. nkew postgrad and felt after like this is a job, superior.

she asked if scared, she saw postcards, but both x eye contact.


It's getting better and better the more I think about it. I figure this: All classes are going to have presentations in them, so why not get used to it now? This will be good practice for me, so suck it in, and be the business girl you have to be! This is nothing new, just a bit longer, that's all.


Dinner, behind them. Both big smiles. "Ivette" siad hello. Both said bye.

i found it to my demise. nice bus driver, happend to find a seat! woohoo. she and then i backe dout right away. so dull, knew it and tried to tell. "we", we, we. supermakret knew where. she's nice and goes to ask ike pearly, but difficult to talk sometimes since topics and tryng to get comfy. hug cold, aw. (DINNEr? and SiT BY! and go out tr,etc)

Entry THIRTY-TWO

Difficult to sleep last night and I think I'm more nervous this semester than last. Maybe it's the massive amount of new students doing it to me. 4am to 8am, it was not fun. Woke up to a sea of students stumbling around and a Middle Eastern girl asked me where the law building is, but for once I couldn't tell her exactly where! I felt so bad. Class could've been worse, but then again my nerves always ruin it and I'm just getting used to the embarassment and uncomfortable feeling. How sad is that? A girl walked in first, Elaine (her western name), followed by a guy. He started it and then all three of us were chatting, but she was drawn to me for some reason. Joey came in late

DISCOVERED I can sing in a decent manner! "You are my sunshine..." A commercial was singing it, I was down about not receiving an email from Bear, and so I sung. I never sing thinking I was "bad" and here I can! Wonderful how I'm still discovering stuff about myself.

BEST FRIEND Am I thinking of this wrong? He wouldn't be pissed if he emailed the next day! So, just wait it out for a week. I mean, did I say anything different or offensive? I told him I miss him, sent photos, and asked for his address. So...? He does not care when I "bash" Australia, so why would he about Americans? Also, when we both left mad that one afternoon after the picnic, he we fine at the grocery store. He loves me too much.


i hi
she ask sit
do i know you? - btchy itch one but so nice
pub: i mentione, she ask, she push others
she share
just like pearly
wantgive numer
put off, but straigh tand easy ocne did
then hung out laugh.
figured out melbas.
then she saw me and told see old students. mess up from him, but whatever (she know me?) and she x will remember anyway.



deep breaht intake, oh good
"You're boring me, Bear."
time?

BEST FRIEND

Hiya Genevieve!

Urgh, first actual full (for me) Monday since high school. I’m so tired…enjoying falling asleep on the bus home though, just like the old days.

Finally going to go into the tattooist’s tomorrow, just to see if he’s done and then seeing when the earliest appointment is. I don’t know what to get written with it though…whether just dates and Merry, or words like I was thinking (problem is I can’t choose the words). Eh, I’ll work it out tonight I guess. Kind of want an old traditional one to (guess well wait and see if it's all gone somewhere by next year).

Nice late lunch today, or I just might skip lunch and have an early dinner instead…yeah, that sounds better, and no caramels- I’ve already had too many today (estimated at six).

The other guy arrived back from India yesterday. Not fun sleeping last night knowing I had to get up early…I’ve worked out which one has the high pitched laugh- he doesn’t live here, he’s just a friend (I could have strangled him).

Maybe you need to give the fibre a bit of time to get through (doesn’t it take 48 hours to go through anyway?). Didn’t make too much difference anyway, just blew up again by bed time.

Harry Potter page 35, cruising through, might be finished before the end of the year!

You know I think too much of one colour can turn you crazy, so watch out.

Think I’ll go and borrow a date from superbarn.

Address:

Allambee St Ried

Canberra ACT 2612 I think….

Bye bye, lunch time- I’m kind of hungry….

Gareth

Entry THIRTY-ONE

six am i woke with a pain and urge to run to the bathroom only to be half asleep and have diarrhea (an odd form in which i don't want to remember). my nose is draining from the cold gareth gave me with love by sharing food and i must pop my ears to hear better. not that i wanted to be sick when classes started, but it was worth it to share food with him. lots of tea, mostly cinnamon, which is running out even though i can't help myself because i just love the taste and smell. head res jenny is doing her rounds and i'm not sure why. i guess this is the official start and may was just the middle?

around campus to get fresh air after getting the urge to have diarrhea again, to smile and smirk and laugh at "twinkle, twinkle, little star" being played over the bell tower. uni decided to change the class numbers on the doors and so i can't find some of mine, meaning that come monday i will be rushing around (or at least later tonight when i look after or before dinner).

UNI RESIDENTS the malaysians walked by, three of them, and i wish i could just talk to them. but i can individually, just not as a group. i'm not hargraves anymore. and the american? difficult to bump into her now that the others are around and i'm afraid to open my door. i'll get there, i'll make myself take baby steps until we're decent enough friends or at least acquaintances.

WELLBEING emailed jess back and wrote "love" back as well. feels so good to know that if i do go home, she'll be there still. a friend. someone to find me someone. someone to drink with. someone to talk to.

UNI CLASSWORK pre-uni starting blues. i want to get it over with, but it's difficult with an upset stomach and hunger pains and not knowing who is in my communication class. at least i have joey and ashnita, both of whom i'm hoping has me back.

BEST FRIEND life would be so lonely without him. one day i hope he does come live in the u.s. or that i am able to come back and stay.

two twinkles and a hiccup and 11:11 wish, i hope to hear from him on monday! temptation is there to check since he gave permission, but i can't because i don't know what i would find. merryisadog, how cute! that little hiccup calmed my nerves.

DISCOVERED The freedom and anonymity I have here is empowering. I'm no longer stuck in the old routine, however, I am falling back into too much comfort here. It takes a lot to rebuild here why still reconnecting back there. The more I see Americans here, the less I feel at home.

stop worrying, so easy to say. but baby steps, that's all. don't waste time and what you can't change, and just learn from it. live now, not the future or past. "it is what it is."

do i regret the fights in canberra? yes and no. yes because it caused us both pain and no because i got more from it, learning what really happened, and having him care more for me.

UNI RESIDENTS five o'clock. my dreams of a unified dorm is both real and unreal because it's now true malaysians versus new americans. i'm not sure how i feel about the american anymore, whose name i found out is jillian. so it's audrey (chubby), ivette? (skinny), and jillian (american), thanks to jenny introducing everyone. after the aussies left, jillian had her door open and i went to ask her where she's from, thinking she said boston and i was right. it's an ugly accent, i've never noticed before. she didn't ask me where i'm from, so i offered. then she asked how long i have, i asked what her major is, and then offered mine. she was getting ready when i came and continued, and so i just let it be. at least i tried after she had tried and i can keep at it, hoping it works out. if not, so be it. now she has this prissy air about her, so we'll see (she was treating the aussies and malaysians the same way).


dinner. i feel so out of place although i am not because all these new students (everywhere!) have someone it seems. i don't since my "friends" are off campus and my dormies have left me so far. the room was filled, so weird for a sunday, and so i brushed it off twice. people watching others since they're new and i felt so awkward.

such a baby i decided not to go and shove down an icky ham and cheese sandwich followed by an entire bag of lettuce. i'm nervous about tomorrow so i'm in sad mode, worrying about gareth not emailing and then being left out in class tomorrow. i miss having those couple of people whom are always there for me! damn you, bond. maybe i should leave? but then again this is life. i miss bear so much. i hope i didn't fuck anything up, but then again why would he email first (something he at first said many times he'd never do) the next day? he cares, i didn't fuck anything up. this is nothing new. i just miss him, that's what this feeling is.