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BUDDHISM- for once this astrology stuff is making sense.

LIBRA "I Balance"
September 23rd - October 23rd
Ruler: Venus.
Zodiac: 7th House
Body parts ruled by Libra include the lower back, kidneys, and adrenal glands.

"There's never going to be a dull moment for you this month. Life runs rampant between chasing your long-term goals to trying to seperate fact from fiction as a friend or close loved one may send you on an emotional roller coaster. By the end of the month, moderation will come at a welcome relief."

DREAMS I had another dream about Mike. This time he was driving me, Jess, and his girlfriend in his 20 year old red car somewhere. For some reason we were in Lake Catholic, my old high school, and for some reason his car is surrouneded by people who are in love with him. Next thing I'm running to his car and getting his sister's stuff...even though he doesn't have a sister...so it must be his girlfriend. Then Jess is yelling at me for parking so far away.

It was bizzare.

UNI RESIDENTS Mike wasn't in a happy mood, but I don't worry myself about that. It's stress and I get that easily enough. So I made a comment at the end to which he had this big smile on his face and he said, "See ya" in a very happy tone.

Now, just so I don't forget. Darrell's the manager at the brasserie, a real asshole. He doesn't like women since he's gay and he especially treats me like filth. So I do the same to him. We won't speak to each other and I make a point of being nasty to him. At least this way he gets that I hate him and his attitude towards me doesn't affect me much.

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EMAIL (a cut down version of just the paragraphs I like):

"I’ve decided to write out a whole new email. I had one written out a few days ago, but that’s a bit old now, so it’s only fair…even if there’s not much to add.   Bit old now?  I wonder what it said, but it's sweet that he wanted to write me a new one.  And this proves that he drafts emails like I do.

Ah cool, I was hoping you’d have a nice big list of things. If you left to much of that down to me it’d be hopeless. All I’m good at these days seems to be what the next meal’s going to involve. So we’ll actually have to do some of the stuff you want to in the end.  So I'm the organizer in our friendship, yay.  I know he means it to, which is cute.  But what does he mean by "some of the stuff" and "you want"?

 

So far everything on the list gets a big tick, so I bet everything else does too. Hopefully ticket prices stay low, ‘cause that’d be really fun (plus you’d get to see somewhere you haven’t been after so long again instead of Newcastle or Sydney (we always turn up there in the end).  So he's say that he likes the list I came up with, and that anything else I come up with does as well?  So he doesn't want to commit to Tassy by buying tickets, but he does want to go?

 

Cool, Tokyo aquarium (you’ll have to twist my arm on Tokyo disney). Harujiku? Is that what it’s called…and the old traditional areas to.  So he wants me to go to Tokyo with him down the road for real I take it?

That makes it eleven days- a week and a half…that’s almost tomorrow. Not long now.  I said only 14 more days, which means he realizes the time difference of when I wrote and is noting it. Is he saying this for me or for him?

 

And as exciting as it is, that is everything for now…maybe we’ll head to dinner sometime this weekend…I don’t know, but if I actually do something, your sure to know.  I'm sure to know.  Of course I am.

 

See you in a few days.(you’re so close to finishing!)."  I giggled at this.  I think he's really excited.  So going home to the US instead of seeing him last break was an awesome idea in the end.  

amei, art visit, ash diss but now out of my life

DREAMS  house fire one

CHANGE  "So there were some deer on the runway and my flight was delayed.  And then there was this freak snow storm.  Sorry I'm late."

DREAM I was sleeping in an empty room somewhere, and I woke up walking through a large empty house. It's a house I dreamed before, sort of like grandma's, but more extravagant. I found a little girl but she was running from me. Next I know I'm at a dinner table with her and a lady who appears to not be her mother. The lady is dress similar to the freaky lady in the Ring video/dream/viral sequence.

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DREAM First day back at work in Target and Dale is there, but he for some reason doesn't recognize me. I go to call dad who says that he'll go to lunch with me, but even though I know that's him on the phone he denies it. I get angry and smart talk back to him. I can't figure out why he doesn't recognize me or is doing that on purpose.

UNI CLASSWORK Stephen needs power and control. That's why he's so nosy, I get it now. I told Arthur, just him, that he had to watch out for the professional degree since you needed a job for PR as well. Stephen was such an asshole butting in. And now he's taking the information as if he found it out, and he's on a power trip telling others. According to him, an internship=a job. Yeah... So what did the asshole say? "Give up," but I stood my ground and told him, yeah, because why do I care about PR for tax evasion? Aussie Kirsty was staring and I stared right back at her. Can anyone mind their own business in this fucking country?

Just to back peddle a little so I don't get confused in the future, but basically Stephen has been fucking us over the entire semester with his astrological view of finance. Mike went off on his own and got us started to finish our own project without the astrology part, but I ended up doing it all on my own anyway. I not used to that much responsibility. Ever.

So when Stephen went to present, he pushed Arthur out of it (who would be telling the class how the three of us went off on our own and used non-astrology) and spun it so that my money was only made because "I'm good at trading in gold according to my chart." Fucking retard, sorry the immaturity. And what happened? Zala attacked with, "So full of crap." But then it started to sound more like she was attacking our group as a whole, which was bullshit. But I didn't get hurt too much. Toby turned around and said, "I love you" while drawing a heart, like a fun and nice smartass.

When Toby went up there I was laughing so hard that I was crying. How often does that happen to me? "Did you know we could trade gold?....We didn't" in such a deadpan, serious voice. "We saw it, but we thought it was an asian currency." "We traded...10 units at a time. I traded 5,000 units at one point, but Kirsty wanted to kill me. We lost $500."

In HRM Toby was talking to our professor about where he was when major world events occurred, and I was just thinking how Toby is so natural at thinking of what to say and taking the initiative to talk to others. Of course Ashnita wasn't there and Ying was being a baby by hiding in the back away from me, and I was a little lonely without Ash. During the break I shared a lift with a girl who was making happy small talk about how cold it was, and then I ran into a guy who ran into me and we went back and forth with "sorry!" in a joking way.

After HRM I had to meet up with Arthur and Stephen to work on our finance assignment, but instead they were at an MBA seminar to which I met them at for the free pizza. Stephen being a no-it-all said, "You should do it." "Why? Tell me, Stephen, why?" And he spun his bullshit. "Yeah? But why do I care? In the US MBAs are a dime a dozen and you're better with a specialzation." What beautiful words did I hear from him? "You're right." OF COURSE, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I KNOW SOME SHIT, TOO. Alex and company ignored me as they went around me to get their coats, so I purposely didn't move out of their way. But then Selva came up to apologize on the behalf of Zala that morning-- such integrity! And it made me feel so much better. I thanked him and we were just smiling.

Finally we got out of there and I was sitting with Stephen at a picnic bench while we waited for Arthur. Stephen bothers the fuck out of me, such a loudmouth who cheats the system, but he's helped me in the past and he can help me in the near future. He told me hat he wants what's best for me-- that having an Aussie passport will distill less hatred on me overseas (ughh...what about my accent though?) and will allow for cheaper taxes. I call bullshit. But while he's annoying, a know-it-all, and only instills bullshit in my head, he still acts like a protective father. He's like Mary Rose- you hate her, but love her.

Stephen told me over tea, after Art came, that he'll employ me in Malta and I'll get cheaper taxes one day. But what's really relevant about this is that while I was comfortable, he seemed lost without Arthur with us. Like he didn't know how to talk to me for some reason?

All three of us, plus Nokita (his son) went up to work on our assignment, and I'm already acting like Stephen's assistant with me doing all the organizing and fixing, and him thanking me.

After a long day of frustration...

EMAIL & BEST FRIEND it was perfect timing. As I literally walked into the door I saw my blue envelope (from May) and then I saw an email from Gaz being alerted to me. And this is after a semi-shitty day and hiccuping at 5:30, so it made my day. But what makes this special is the fact that he had already emailed me and I hadn't answered yet. So is he bored? Does he miss me? What? And he basically covered some of what he didn't in the last email:

• He's telling me more about his family
• He's reminding me even more of my dad ("finally found one of those old fashioned metal desk fans I’ve always wanted- even if the electrics need fixing. It weighs an absolute tone- it’s brilliant")
• "We’ll have to check the place out, I bet there’ll be an old compass hidden away in there somewhere…" Did he want that, or did I? I think I did. WOW, he remembers more than I do!
  
• "like a French silk pie"...again, him remembering the littlest of things
• "They made a pumpkin pie as well (grammar they call it), but I’m still not too fond of them (it always seems to be connected to sickness…urgh)." Poor Bear, all because I made him one in Bathurst.
• "I can pick up my next money envelope on Friday. I’m being good, I’ve only spent fifteen dollars so far (If I save up enough I might even be able to run away- How much does it cost to get to America at the moment? Just out of curiosity)."
  
• "Excited about coming down! Such a bad liar." Huh, about me saying I was excited to come down?
• It seems like he wrote this over a long time period.
• "And that was my exciting day." Does he want emails more frequently now?
• "I'll see you in a bit" again.
  

IM aw, May! My face was actually red and hot because she said some really kind things. And, what, I never IMed Liz this much? And here I am doing it, so far, twice a week? Three times a week? She's so talkative and loveable, like Liz, that it's easy and it makes up for the loss of Liz.

CALL Then to finish the day Ashnita called to invite me out for coffee at 10pm, but I think it's only because she had no one else to go with. I told her I was too busy (honest) and that was that. Regardless, it was a nice way to top things off.

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DREAMS I had another odd dream, yet again. I woke up at 6am after dreaming that cats...were out to kill me. There was a storm we were hiding from or something, and there were good cats and bad cats. Then I dreamt that a plastic bag was eating me. It was shaped like how a kid draws a fish, and it had fangs. I was hiding from it and stomping on it to stop it from eating me...

UNI RESIDENTS I went to dinner and Mike was there. Just when I said hi to him, Toby was there butting in and smiling and so I had an excited, "Hi, Toby!" So I didn't get to talk to Mike, but it's okay. Afterwards when I went back to get my dinner wrapped, Toby was there and he asked how I was and he said, "Yes, you are lovely" to my "fun" reply of, "I'm lovely!" It's just a bad habit I picked up from somewhere. On the way back to the bungies I found Art at more door...and guess what? There's an 80percent chance I can move in with him and his friends! PR here I come...I hope!

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DREAMS I had a dream about Mike and Ash in class. He was was standing or walking some some books to his side, and he smiled. Ash sat next to him. I was wondering how they knew my name? Then I walked down a hall and saw Meatball on the ground with Jess. I was lying with them, remarking how light brown and incredibly fuzzy he was.

(Why am I dreaming about Mike and Ash??).

UNI CLASSWORK Toby, Arthur, and I were studying so to speak. But Toby kept asking questions, and I can't study in groups as is, so I used my dying laptop as an excuse to get out of there. For a little bit at least. I'm just too exhausted to study. He's so easy with talking, but I can't even remember what seemingly random questions he asked. It was about my past at least.

CULTURE It was just fun watching him flirt with another gay. That's the first time I've seen that in person.

On the way way past my dorm a little bit later Toby was pretending to hide when we were passing each other in front of the Bra. "You're supposed to be studying," I joked. "I need energy, Jen!" I'm so much more outgoing this semester!

BEST FRIEND After leaving them I hooked my laptop back up and...found an email from Gaz. Perfect timing! I'm not sure how that works sometimes...

Nothing really much to mention this time. I think we've exhausted the excitement of me coming down to see him now. But there were a few things that stuck out at me. Like, how he mentions the food again and reconfirms it and confirms again that we will be going to his beer place. Or his reaction to me watching a movie I remembered he hated, and I had dragged him to: "You re-watched Elizabethtown! Ouch." (he's using italics!). Kind of reminds me of how little I really did know him then, when he couldn't even tell me straight out that he didn't like the movie afterwards. Not that I hold it against him! And then this:

"Oow, that sounds really good. Where's the hotel in NSW? It would be perfect if that worked out [...]." (I told him I was looking in both Queensland and NSW, but he specifically asked about NSW! He obviously wants me to stay. Now if it's for myself, him, or both of us I don't know.

He finished with his/our usual affirmations. Telling me that he'll let me know how something specific in his life is going, and wishing me luck/etc when it comes to my life. This time it was aimed at a job and PR for me, aw.

UNI RESIDENTS Dinner that night, Mike was there as always. I just said hi and went on with my order, but he asked about finance and if we had anything to do for it. I told him about the quiz and the look on his face was worried. Now I know he's using me, but don't we all use each other time and again? Anyway, he was stalling serving the guy behind me to talk and I said, "take care of this guy first and then I'll tell you," as the guy was smiling at me as Mike and I talked. Whoa, assertive much, Jen? It was all in good fun. Either Mike was stalling as usual for me and being a good friend, or he was worried for himself. I'll never know. Either way, he joked at the end, "Do you think I have time?" "Do you want me to help or not?" and he shrugged a "not me" kind of shrug with a smirk.

Entry ?

I'm debating what I should do. I have so much to write about because I was gone basically the whole day. Where do I start? Write everything or just the bits that really stand out? We'll see.

Well, it all started out with a nightmare of sorts.

DREAMS I'm in a long and wide hall that reminds me of Lake Catholic High School. I apparently have killed a girl and I look down at the floor and notice a pool of dried blood they have not cleaned, wondering why not. I go to the water fountain and through an open door I see Suzie and Katie (elementary days) crying. Then I wonder, why am I STILL having weird dreams involving Katie considering I haven't seen her since junior high? But there's something to do with Jess, my sister. I guess I blamed her for the killing. Meanwhile I'm in my basement with Tiger and Sparkie (huh? I dream about our old cat?) with plane tickets to Zambia. I'm hiding from mom and when I go to feed my cats, I find the tickets.

Cut to the second part of the dream. I'm in Zambia. And I'm wondering in my dream why I've chosen such a random place. But all around me are black people dancing, all surrounding me, in their native dress. They're dancing up and down, and when I look up, I see a semi-circle of them clapping and banging drums.

Then I woke up.


CULTURE Cut to waking up at 6am and then again at 7am. I got ready to go meet Arthur, and I miscalculated and got to the library before it opened at 10am. So I was sitting there with three giggling muslim girls and one guy. There are always multiple girls and one guy, and he's always got that alpha male thing going on. I caught him looking at me, and then he went to the vending machine to get a snack while singing something that sounded like a terrorist song or prayer. Not that I'm mocking it, but it made a sick feeling in my stomach. I can't help it.

LITTLE PLEASURES Selva, Arthur's friend past by, and thoughtfully came over to chat to me. After which, Vishen came and sat with me to have a chat before the library opened. It's always pleasant to have random conversations with people I know and yet barely know.

CULTURE Once in the library, up to the top floor, I chose the computer in the corner. I was the only one, and the next person to come was a Westernised Asian who sat right next to me....with the entire room empty as is. Then Ying's friend, a girl I don't really know, came over and waved in my face (cute Asians) and then was talking to me on and off while we sat there (she too sat next to me, even though every thing else was empty). When I went to leave she was really nice and waving and giggly. Wow, but pretty cool.

IM But not to forget during the above...May IMed me again through G-Chat! I saw a "may says" pop up and I got excited. I looked around to see if anyone saw me chatting. I felt so cool (see chat log in gmail account!). She's becoming my Liz. Now to do that with others as well. She started it, so I can do that with others, too.

I went over to the group study room to meet Arthur, as he's clingy and always wants to study and yet we never study because it's just a reason for him to socialise. Once there Toby and Vishen, who were in the room over, kept going by and joking with us through the window in our group study room. Toby kept dropping in to talk and do the "going up the stairs" and "going down the stairs" manoeuvres. Then Vishen walked past and stuck his tongue out with his hands against the glass. When Art and I left, I waved like a queen with them mimicking me.

BEST FRIEND Art and I went to the IGA to get some groceries and he's acting too much like Gaz. Yet with Gaz did this stuff, I was smitten because Gaz is attractive. Art is hideous (sorry!). Anyway, Art was reminding me of Gaz with how he got a basket for me and held it. And then he took forever shopping.

AMERICAN HOME I called mom back since I missed her call and apparently she's checking the economy for me; I don't think she wants me to do the professional degree. I guess we're technically not in a recession yet, and she's talked to several people who are hiring master's degrees and that she had a 24 year old patient who is doing what I want to do in *Cleveland* (work for an international company with an IB degree, and she only has a bachelor's). We agreed: even if the US goes, so will Australia with it. Not to forget, the cost of living here is fucking ridiculous. Even if US food goes up, Australia is still more than that.

UNI RESIDENTS We also ran into Ann, the one Asian girl who knows my name but barely talks to me. She's cool, but we never clicked really.

But it didn't stop there. Nope, Selva was back and with Zala this time. She actually complimented me, but that was about the extent of her attention to me. She's so fake. She can't even pretend to care I exist, just as I don't with her either.

And that about finished our day about. Once again Art was being a pain in the ass not really studying, and so I left early.

DREAMS There was something about Liz (ugh, when will I ever get over her?) and bombs. She was telling me that she was on vacation in Iran and it was great, but every time a plane flew over she was scared of being bombed. So I went to swim in this vast ocean, but I was scared every time a plane flew over. Cut to me in some fancy building. On the PA system so boring guy is giving a talk. I go to take the lift down to do some errand for him. I run into a bland lady who says that "they are never coming back" about guys at war. I tell her they are. She looks at me and says, "They're never the same" about when they return. On the way up the elevator/lift gets stuck and I go across the room to take a spare one. But this one leads to some fancy room with chocolates and procures on tables and a kid's bike in the middle....but I don't have my glasses and my eyes are out of focus. The room is some fancy executive room. Then I wake up.

Two days ago I dreamed I was trading gold and kept losing. So much that I started crying. (This is about our Forex game. How serious do I take it??).




-IFM: alex all smiles but i not hi for some reason. toby in dancing and making me laugh continuosly. i made a point to ask him about IT to sympathize.

-BREAK: short mtg with steph and art. we told him $8K on our own and he was shocked- since he's not in control anymore? ran into pam- hi. then ash and walked over with her.

-HRM: i talked in class. alex turned to smile at me about loud clssroom next door. whispered talk with alex. ash took initiviate to talk to prof. ying kept "ash", "ash". ha. after went to leave, alex stopped to talk to me about exam marks. walked with ash and gossip about entre tomorrow.

-LIB: called mom to say failed, but okay. but went to lib to see art, she caled back, and no i didn't fail! used inter while talked to mom. alex came to visit but always fast and for his agenda. okay, not always. male ger and female ger and female french all nice since art with me. ying power walked by a few times, ha. then talk art from 1pm=6pm. so social. fun. smiles. tell art see myself in him. stand up for self.

-AMY: swating, but nice even thought in my head not to. but paid off. nervous talk fast and hardly eye contact when talking. but soo nice. touched to reassure. "look forward to hearing".

-DINNER: MIKE. he told wasn't there, asked miss, told entre, etc. He didn't pass it over to here, but rather kept with it. smirk bye.




US learned since here: guys suck, are arrogant, no respect, and not romantic. we judge each other by he state we live in. we are proud of US.

top 3 boy moments:
sem 2- tim and ginga
sem 3- elliot, mike stand talk
sem 4- mike outside porch and dorm area talk

Entry ?

DREAMS I woke up at 8am and went back to sleep for a couple of hours, during which I had another sexual dream. I dreamt that some badass was having sex with me and he was so big that he filled me up and left me sore. But it felt so good. But then my mom woke up and I had to open the window for him to sneak out. I even told him which car, even though it was his, to take as a getaway. His was blocked in but I figued he could still do it. And yet when I went down to my garage I found him and some of his buddies taking my family's cars. Then I woke up...

BEST FRIEND & EMAIL

Well I’m reliable in my own funny way. Yep, 17th of August. Maybe you should stay for longer than two weeks, There’s always a place to stay with me, I’ll make sure of that so you don’t have to worry about that (even if it’s not exactly the most fun in the world around here). Hmm, yeah, from what I’ve gathered your mum’s threat doesn’t sound too solid. So there’s mum or dad’s, neither of which would be put out (or I don’t really care if they are)- mum’s is good if you want to drive around the same old vineyards or go to Newcastle etc (pretty much if you want to go somewhere occasionally seeing it’s closer to everything and she only need’s her car three days a week, plus I think she’d be glad for the company…I get the feeling it’s a bit lonely out there)- dad’s is good if you want to get away from everything and just slob out for a while, it’s further away from everything, and it takes longer to get anywhere, and the people here could drive you crazy (it would involve meeting new people as well- at least you know what to expect from my mum, these once could drive you crazy pretty quickly…I know I get a little bit of a murderous twitch a few times a day- which is pretty impressive seeing they’re not around most of the time). So that’s what’s available here, unless we can come up with some other plans as well.

I woke up to his email, which was such a nice surprise. He's so wonderful! He's going way beyond what I expected!

UNI CLASSWORK I ran into May and Nash in transit to the library, both of which were all smiles. Once we were inside the library study room (I guess I should describe that since I may not remember down the road: on the top of the fourth floor there are six study rooms groups can book), it was all fun naturally. They're hard workers who know a lot, especially at this end bit, because they think more critically and they have more prior knowledge. I can't keep up. But I think May knows I'm trying.

She gave us lollies and we were eating, laughing so hard at the end that my stomach hurt. May hasn't done that to me yet, but things just worked out that well somehow. She's like Liz so much, just Asian. And at the end she told me, "Jen, you're a diplomat! You'd be good in HR" because I placed a :) at the end of her strict email to Dino.

UNI RESIDENTS Mike was all happy like at dinner. He went next to Jesse, who served the person in front of me, and grabbed my hard. He asked how I was, and then moved over right away to get my food for me, while Jesse served the guy behind me. Happy much to serve me?? How cute! We weren't as talkative, but he was still nice and happy. The added bonus was going to get dessert and Jesse was nice again.

Entry ?

DREAMS I had the oddest dream, but it actually made sense for once. The set up? Well I was living in a garage, with my bed hear the roll up door, and the carpet was white and cream just like grandma's old carpet. I looked outside my windows and saw new cars on the left and old cars on the right, thinking, "Age divide!" But perhaps it meant the cool, rich kids versus kids that weren't. Anyway, I saw a whole van go by with all the cool kids from the left living quarters, driven by an Indian looking guy who was afraid he'd hit the right side of my garage. I was sad, so I went through the side door on the back wall and found my dad going through the mail. "You're scholarship went through," he told me holding up a freebie packet of diapers. I told him I don't have a scholarship, and I thought the diapers would be good for Carmen's pending child. Meaning? It's my life in the bungies. I'm stuck bored while watching others have fun. It makes me jealous. And the cars were in the right place accroding to where they park here as well.

So supposedly this girl on ThoseGypsies can draw our fairies and I tried it twice, with different account names, to see if I got the same deal. They both talk of singing, but that's just basic. Oh well, I liked the star one best.

and the message:
"hey beautiful, do you sing in the mornings?"

and the message:
"oh joyous one!
the stars sing your name
how blessed you are"
~x~

Entry ?

DREAMS Last night I kept dreaming random things about Mike, and how I've finally got attached, which is not good considering I've leaving in two months. Part of me wants to chase after him and the rest of me is scared still. Why couldn't this happen earlier? But at least it happened!

UNI CLASSWORK Not much today in comparison to Tuesday except for a meeting for IFM, which Mike seemingly "forgot" about. Which meant that Stephen dropped into the Bungies to get me, and of course we couldn't find Arthur because he's slow and doesn't think to text people with where he is when he's supposed to be somewhere else. I had to endure Stephen for an hour with us trying to keep conversation going because when we're alone and there's nothing to talk about, we struggle. And when Art showed up, it's like someone poked us and we came to life.

Meanwhile Elaine walked by twice to which I ignored her and she ignored me, so it kind of made me feel empowering to not care. Because really, I do care in a way, but when it comes down to it, all I care about is having one less friend. Not her per se.

The great thing about Stephen is though, that he does teach us what we didn't learn in class and I actually listen and ask questions since it's just the three of us. It makes studying much easier and better for me.

CULTURE I took a break for lunch and ran down there only to be greeted by massive amounts of muslims girls. It was awkward only because I'm rarely around them and yet here they are in massive amounts this semester. Although it's great because that means I'm finally in contact with that culture. At the dessert counter there was Megan who said, "I prepared this earlier just for you" because she makes me laugh. Not bad for someone who I thought was a bitch last semester. A cultural lesson I learned long ago (that it takes a while for Aussie women to warm up to American girls) is still true.

ADVICE Stephen is always full of it. About how I should stand up from the start to prevent people walking over me (and then when I do stand up for myself they think I'm suddenly a bitch). And how "You're only worth what you think you're worth." And how I can do anything I want. And how I need confidence to just go in there and do it (if you act like you belong, they will believe it). JOB He told me that, yes, we learn on the job. Uni does not prepare you except for a foundation and discipline. And that I'm detailed oriented, so I need details before I start something or else I worry.

Talking with people these days, especially to Stephen, makes me realize that life experiences and reading the news does help so much when it comes to conversations. I feel smarter and I can talk about so much more now.

YING & LITTLE PLEASURES Finally at lunch I ran into Ying, unfortunately, and we were both surprisingly nice. She asked if I'd get take-away and of course I said yes, knowing she wanted me to invite her to eat with me, but I refused. Naturally she went off on her own despite me making small talk and stalked like a little kid when I stayed to talk to Mike about class. We talked for twenty minutes until he really had to go back to work (group work, exams, studying, Arthur's weirdness), during which he went out of his way to give me his number again (even though it's only for his personal use to have me call about when Stephen's "teaching" us again). Despite that, it still made me feel good for him to treat me so nicely. I'm not being used, as we're already friends, so it's okay. And turning out of instinct to see Ying staring as she ate her soup before she left was just pure gold. She's so jealous that it's easy to piss her off. Before I left he joked some more with me and then I was off to eat.

Entry TWO-HUNDRED-ELEVEN

DREAMS I was in a card shop and a guy approached to help. and the more he helped the more I realized he was my boyfriend pretending to not know me until we got further and further away from his co-workers. And when we went into the backroom we were holding hands. And once back there we were somehow in a movie theater. Once there I went off on my own for a bit and saw three young kids stealing candy from a machine they broke into. I asked for a reece's cup and they gave it to me, but then the little girl asked for a dime and I refused. So they got mad at me. They were just thieves being sneaky. Eventually I wound up by some couches and a girl was involved somehow, until my boyfriend came back...

UNI RESIDENTS  leaving class made me feel good as always.  May and Ash and I were all chatting about going home, since all three of us are after extended periods away, and it's funny how it was like we were sex in (and?) the city.  Just chatting back and forth, giving fake and semi-real condolences, and no breaks with just chit-chat to keep up busy to play catch-up.  But outside of uni?  I don't think we'd make good friends.  Both are too fake.  I'm even fake with them at times. We can't go beyond much.  But it's good for now, right?

We said goodbye to each other, and only Neil said bye to me, as we walked down the steps and May talked as she texted and said bye before we parted.  Basically I was smiling on the way out. They make it bearable.

Entry TWO-HUNDRED-FOUR

Another weird dream, third in a row that I remember, just like when I was in Newcastle and had memorable dreams almost every night. It was about Gaz again, but this time he had given me some birthday presents (which is something he's only done once out of three times so far). They were a massive candy bag full of lip gloss, a dark brown tube of lip gloss (which perplexed me since it wasn't my color), and two aquariums full of jellyfish and turtles and the like. I remember one massive turtle hiding under a lily pad. It was odd.

I woke up to a Ying missed call and then a Ying email, being anal and nosy. But knowing her, it's her horrible English skills and she just comes off anal instead of "caring". She told me I "missed a lot" but to her everything is valuable and I know for sure that it's bullshit, considering that I heard that the speaker took an hour and that the presentations took 40 minutes. Leaving about 40 minutes of nothing- in which they probably went over course material. She's that blessed annoying- why does she care? She treats me like crap. But still I like attention, so that fed it.

May was already in the classroom, which is unusual and she started her fake speech; "Jennnnn...how are you? How'd you do? I think I did sooooo bad. I had finance and then ran to take that exam...." I don't believe her. Don't believe HD students who know their assignment questions. But to honest, I was terrified by "Jennnn..." that it had something to do with Ying somehow. Thankfully Ash joined by sitting in between us for the first time.

Our international professor giggles. He gets to excited about the subject. And yet people don't appreciate him. He keeps that happy outlook no matter how much they mistreat him because he can't teach. I try to smile at him as much as I can.

On the way out I walked with May and we had a pretty decent conversation for the second time and ran into Joey for the second time this semester. I loved it. I felt like I belonged again. Bye to Toby and Ash and walking out with May and running into Joey. I just loved it. I can't explain what it's like not to have a lonely walk to my bungie.

Entry HUNDRED-EIGHTY-SIX

Carrier: United States Postal Service
Tracking #: EE963354565US
Status: We attempted to deliver your item in AUSTRALIA at 12:14 pm on February 12, 2008.
Details: At Foreign Delivery Unit, February 12, 2008, 6:47 am, AUSTRALIA
Out of Foreign Customs, February 11, 2008, 11:38 pm, AUSTRALIA
Into Foreign Customs, February 10, 2008, 12:33 pm, AUSTRALIA
Arrived Abroad, February 10, 2008, 12:32 pm, AUSTRALIA
International Dispatch, February 07, 2008, 8:28 pm, O'HARE APT/CHICAGO
Processed, February 07, 2008, 8:27 pm, CHICAGO, IL 60666
Processed, February 06, 2008, 3:38 pm, KANSAS CITY, MO 64121
Electronic Shipping Info Received, February 06, 2008

{I bothered with this to show what great lengths a package gores through and why it takes so long for stuff to get here}




DREAMS I dreamt that I was taking a bus home, and had asked the driver what bus to take, but got on his bus even though it was wrong. And I was too scared to get off so I was stuck on there, but somehow I ended up near Jeremy. Remember Eric Arko from junior high? We were at his house when I realized I could just walk home. So I did.

Ah, but it's Valentine's Day.

Waiting for class Toby came by and said, "What a great picture" and I had to smile because his happy attitude is always warming. Yes, when Ying's not around I don't mind him. And he joined me to talk in which was really easy to do for some reason. Then the two South Americans came, and Johanna came to talk, but only about class, and that was that. Even though Toby was talking to them he tried a couple of times to include me. I thought that was sweet when most people won't do that.

The Ying came and we figured out that we both have class at the same time and next door to each other, but luckily Ash came to save the day since I don't like being stuck with Ying any more. And when we walked into the room she told me to sit in the back with her, which I did. It was funny because usually Toby, May, and I sit in the back and when those two came in they sat with me, realizing each would be alone. And so it looked like we were joining forces against him, the professor who can't teach. But it wasn't meant that way.

He let us out half an hour early and I stood there while Ash and May came out. We were chatting and doing girly things just laughing, but they talked too much for me. I couldn't get much in and felt left out even though they joined me and didn't mean to do so. May's just that fake that she has to be the center of attention. And she's socially strong. And I could tell that they were sneaking stares at my upperlip and of course I did the bashful looking down habit I've developed in response last year.

Ash wished us a happy valentine's day and I took a chance I asked Toby, "Can I watch since I have an hour to kill?" once I realized they were in the room still. And so May had to join. And in doing so she had to ask about Ying with concern, but agrees that she's bitchy and we have to stay away with her at times. So it's not just me.

After Toby finished and was going to leave, the fun started. He made a comment about being gay and May asked, "Are you gay?" Well, to me as a western, it was obvious. But then she was asking rude questions: what makes you gay? how'd you know you were gay? are you shunned back home? I backed him up, feeling awkward for him, but he did well considering he barely knows us. "No wonder you act like that!" May actually told him! Ugh.

Group meeting was next at 12pm. Ying was already there and I walked up with May, someone she fought with, but they played fake and nice and hugging despite Ying going off on May's boyfriend for no reason. And the three of us stood there talking until Ines, from our CA group came, and surprisingly it was easy to talk to her as well. Since I am terrible at socializing. But the fun part was seeing Joey for the first time since last semester and him waving with that huge grin he always gives me.

The meeting went faster than I thought and easier since ideas do come best in groups and so we were out of there quickly. When I went for lunch the dirty blond was nice and remembered me, which of course made me happy.

Maybe I'm easily pleased.

Maybe I'm that socially deprived.

DEEP SADNESS well, he's officially an asshole. I was thinking, hmm, it's been four days, so he'll email on valentine's day! But nope, none. So, he can go fuck himself. First over four days since an email and now he doesn't even extend the friendship on v-day like last year. Maybe he's talking to Sam. Maybe he met a girl. Maybe he realized he's gay. Or maybe he was offended by my inoffensive email. Yes it's sad and I started BARELY crying once it reached the passing point, but I'm so used to him disappointing me that I'm not that sad. I don't cry really. I don't stop eating and not sleep. I'm fine basically. That's how much out of love I am with him. That's how badly he hurts me. And it makes me think, do I really want to stay here for an asshole? Nope.

Entry HUNDRED-EIGHTY-FIVE

DREAMS I had this dream where Ying was helping me, but as we went to get food she was made fun of by a group of female Aussies. And me feeling like I can confront them since they're Aussies, asked, "Did you just make fun of her?" after Ying let the Aussie girl have 20 cents. After that I ran into an Aussie with pink jeans who made fun of me, just as a security guard came by who took care of it. Then I finally ran into Shivang who worked at an ice cream shop and let me have some. We finally all met together and had fun sitting on a curb and talking.

Weird.

UNI CLASSWORK & BEST FRIEND Stressed over midterms, even though this is my third semester going in, and yet I'm stressing again. Although it may be because this is my first time have three midterms at once. Add on the fact that asshole hasn't emailed me, it kind of makes my mind race. I can't concentrate. Which is odd, because is he being mean or waiting for Valentine's Day? Last year he wished me one, so who knows.

UNI CLASSWORK My only tutorial of the day was Analysis which I actually look forward to because it's always fun and easy enough. It's socializing and being able to relax since he doesn't ask any questions and we hide behind a computer.

UNI RESIDENTS Waiting there was Ashnita who came to join but didn't stand too close, and we made easily enough small talk but her answers are always quick and simple as if she has better things to do. She doesn't mean harm by it, but that's just the way she is. And after we tried for five minutes Rosa joined as always.

Once inside Ash and I sat together as always and the class started and ended after an hour. Ash and I talked about the wonders of Gmail and she told me to wait for her as I got ready, this being the first. And once out she told me she'd walk with me. I joked with her, "Ashnita! You drove?" since she lives right off campus. We're getting closer in other words.

YING I felt guilty for taking Ash over Ying, so I went back on the premise that I "forgot something" and Ying was excited because she thought I left (which I had). The guilt got me. So we went to dinner together and of course we ran into Toby as always, who asked again, "Are you guys staying here?" No, we never do. Take-away is the way to go.

Must note that I made a breakthrough with the grumpy surfer Aussie that's been here for two semesters that I know of. He's always grumpy, doesn't smile, and only cares about girls he likes. So he asked first, "Take-away?" and I joked, "How'd you know?" while he kind of went, "duh" in his look and I pressed on happily, "With so many people I thought you guys wouldn't. But you always do" and he smiled! Just like with Gaz and with Dale, I love grumpy guys who need some work.

Ying, even though she knows I hate fucking populated areas, made me sit outside the Bra to eat. But happiness came, meanly, from the fact that her "outspokenness" once again got her in trouble. Her problem is that she has issues with the wrong things. She's made that May's boyfriend is trying to sell the place even though it's theirs and they have every right to bring people in. So now May is mad at her and likewise, which means the whole "happy friends" is over and I don't have to deal with Ying going, "MAY!" and hugging her while giggling.

After dinner we went for a walk and encountered Jill who was kind and ready with "Good" before I asked. The kindness is what matters.

LITTLE PLEASURES But the surprise of the day had to be Arthur stopping by to visit on the way home. I love talking to him since it's easy and he's American. He's the only American I get to talk to at this uni, so it's always proud and homewarming.

Entry HUNDRED-SEVENTY-FOUR

DREAMS I had a bad dream where an asteroid was coming and we were trying to catch the broken pieces. Only after we got the largest piece, a bomb was coming and we managed to escape. Only we hid in a house with strangers while people slowly died, and I was scared because we weren't warned like they were. It felt so real, too.

AMERICAN HOME I think I want to go home instead of NZ this break since I want to see Tiger before she dies, see my family (yep...), meet Meatball, and eat American food. I want American TV. I want to drive my baby. Most of all, like I said, I want to say goodbye to my baby, my kitty. (But also, I won't see Gaz, who what's the point of staying here?)

UNI RESIDENTS I ran into Arthur this morning outside of the IT building as I was going in to do some work (which would be ruined once I realized ilearn is down). We were cheery as always and he invited me to this lunch he was having with his study tour buddies. I declined since I didn't go, but I thanked him for inviting me and I felt great.

Arthur came by to visit around dinner time and it was nice that he just drops by. It makes me feel social.

BEST FRIEND
"other halves
In ancient times people weren't simply male or female, but one of three types : male/male, male/female or female/female. In other words, each person was made out of the components of two people. Everyone was happy with this arrangment and never really gave it much thought. But then God took a knife and cut everyone in half, right down the middle. So after that the world was divided just into male and female, the upshot being that people spend their time running around trying to locate their missing half."
-Haruki Murakami

Entry HUNDRED-NINETEEN

BEST FRIEND Well I gave him his chance to invite me to Christmas, but he didn't. Do I care? Not really, just as long as I have somewhere to stay those two weeks like he promised.

So Bear emailed me a second time last night (aw! it's been a while since he's done that):

"I had a little think about things today, and decided that next year I'll try to focus on getting back to normal again, getting my identity back (I'm not sure if I wrote it to you, or whether I just wrote it out in a journal to desperately try to stop thinking and get to sleep, but my sister told me that we all really just grown up versions of who we were as kids, but it can get lost behind all the layers of crap sometimes...I'm trying to believe that)."

"Naples...best pizza in the world I've heard. Even I could fantasise about working in an embassy. Who needs to get married, it's outdated...Get a job at an American company in Australia, jump at the first chance you get to work in the embassy, then retire to a lasy cafe somewhere (away from Sydney). And I'll just go here there and everywhere with absolutely no identifiable goals or direction, and drive everyone crazy...It's unavoidable, I think that's the way it will always go (I'll retire at seventy though, or sixty-five maybe...provided I live that long...not being fatalistic in any way)."

"I'll try (I've decide if I can't, I'll go crazy and wander the streets in the middle of the night in my pyjamas, Donnie Darko style). You sleep well to."

But he didn't email me today?

DREAMS and AMERICAN HOME A disturbing dream woke me up. I dreamt that I couldn't find Melissa (Kolbow) or Nikki's (which?) phone number in my cell after re-connecting with them, leaving me no friends. I think it's because I won't when I get home. Gaz is all I have and he's in Australia. Then again, I already live a life of sadness. When he's down there, and I'm up here, I have to go everywhere alone anyway. Jess did email me back, but it wasn't pleasant. I did have Christina, but that's just a dream now, I think. There's Betty again though. And where's Kristen?

I hope the U.S. is doing this. I love Australia for this kind of stuff.

Entry NINETY-TWO

Nothing spectacular today other than while I was coming out of marketing I decided to go see Neva about the paper so I could start it, but she was taking too long. Waiting there on the blue chair, waiting outside for the German guy to talk to her, and her speech was so slow. I decided to come back when I ran into a smiling Alex, the first time since last semester. He still remembers my name. About halfway home I decided to go back, but she was still talking, so I finally left for good when I ran into Ashnita. Smiling, in a rush, but still wanted to talk about regional.

No Gaz today, but I'm assuming in lieu of tomorrow since I sent a really long email. I know, excuses, excuses. And even though I was excited for it, I wasn't upset when I didn't receive it. It's a big step from earlier this year.

I was off schedule where instead of going to lunch at 12pm exactly, like I've done all semester and half of last, I went to Market Square to see that fountain. It felt good to be organized and yet deviate from it. It felt free. Unplanned. Change.

I had two odd dreams:
dream 1: I dreamt of walking through my grandparents house, the Ussai's. I haven't done that since I was eight, nine? I remembered the majority of the first floor, but not the second. I remember how scared I was of the stairs in the basement and that hidden bedroom as well.

dream 2: "three levels of building, raining, no marathon or bike, guys never spoke to from last semester, mean facebook winks, hide in third floor with roomes between floors and door must blimb out of, quiet third eatery and even fourth." Okay, I don't remember the first bit other than I was being scared off into this imagined building on campus that had four floors. I was hiding on the second floor, ran into a bathroom, and then went out the door but found I had to climb up since it was halfway between two floors. The ceiling was low. The third floor I found didn't have as busy as an eatery, and the fourth floor, which I never knew of, was quiet and like a nightclub with fancy dressed people eating at a bar.