Monday, 31 March 2008


Arthur was sitting down eating, and didn't smile but waved. No "Jenn!" like he always does. I did the nice thing of going over and as he was being pissy since he screwed me over and I was pissy, I acted the same. It's about mirroring for me. And as dirty as this may be, but I don't need his help any more.

I received a wave from Elliott who hasn't noticed me on campus lately, and I smiled with a hi. Don't always assume people are snuffing you.

Class came and I was corned by Arthur's German friend, who is friendly to me, and we were talking even once we sat down.  I just feel awkward around him because he stares and smiles while he's waiting for me to talk, but even when I do, he's only thinking about what he will say next to impress me.  Nevertheless, isn't it all about socializing and testing the water?

Mike smiled at me and I joked that he was early.  

I rushed to the next class where Ying joined shortly thereafter.  I was nice, but when I am, I feel so fake.  Regardless in one day I managed to fix all riffs amongst my friendships with Arthur, Ying, and Ines (Ying was level headed and asked Ines for the work, who did have it done, and now I don't care if she's pissed at me).  I had to "fix" Ines because of peer evaluations.  I had to fix Arthur because he is giving me two books for free.  I had to "fix" Ying because I have to fucking deal with her in HRM and there's group work in there. 

BUDDHISM  I know this is not buddhism per se, but it's about forgiving and creating balance right?  

There were teacher evaluations ("tevals" as they call it here) today and thankfully for the first time in my higher education career I spoke my true feelings.  And from what others are saying, they feel she's a bitch as well and the class is a waste of time.  I'm thinking she'll get a bunch of terrible reviews in a month's time.

DISCOVERED  I discovered that the so called elite in our group had the worst presentation.  Even if they appear smart doesn't mean they are better than you.

Sunday, 30 March 2008


{My hair was actually decent today, good curls, and I felt inspired to take some photos. Although I'm not happy with my nose, let's not concentrate on that. Let's see the good.}

{Then I had to take a photo of even more flowers I picked}

" that class, Miss Brit's class...the one with the terrible group I interesting. I know you are probably sick of hearing about this, but I've never come into such horrible groups in my life until I attended Bond. I guess when you take international students with different work ethics and work ways and then add in the fact that most aren't here to study (just to hang out in Aus for a bit), group work won't work. So Ines, the French girl, did it again to us and I have facebook to thank for it. She added me for some reason and thankfully it helped in my favour because she posted she was going to this Bond sponsored presentation at 4pm, which is one hour after our meeting time. Instead of telling us that, she texted me with, "Hey jen, I can't go to the mtg. I should have my part done by Tues. I have my pres tomorrow to worry about" (as if having a presentation stops her from meeting us for a whole hour). I texted back asking her to send what she's done, since the meeting solely relies on her work. She never texted back.

Unfortunately, there's more. Ten minutes before we were due to meet Shivang cancelled as well and never got back to me like he promised (he must've sensed how pissed I was in my tone over the phone). All because he wanted to watch the billionaire Sir Richard Branson of the Virgin group came to Bond to give a whole 30 minutes of a presentation (I wonder how much that cost us students for Bond to do that?). Reasonable I thought, until he never came to the meeting after Branson's presentation. And this is the last meeting I wanted since we have to present this coming Monday.

You can imagine I'm livid. Ying actually had to calm me down (not that I went ballistic).

Maybe I'm being irrational? Maybe I have to accept that most people aren't going to do their share of the work?"

Ying said to be calm about it, that we're doing a peer evaluation. So let's hope.

Uni Residents
  • Ying was acting like a good friend again, but will I have it? Not sure yet. We just don't mix well.
  • I ran into Jillian's friend who was nice and talkative. Considering no need since she barely knows me.

Saturday, 29 March 2008


UNI RESIDENTS how is it that I can get really close to him in such a short period of time, but with others it takes so long? I was in the IT labs and Shivang walked in after spotting me during his walk. He sat down and we talked for a good while from class to PR to this book he's writing. It was just naturally flowing with both of us helping. So why can't I do that with everyone? And it was enjoyable, pleasurable, like as if I really do have friends on this campus. Now I don't see him as a friend, but a aquaintance, just to make that clear.

On the way back I ran into Jillian who was all smiles and talk with me again. And yesterday I ran into her on the way back from the Bra, her with her two friends, and she was the same cheery girl. That added to the blond surfer Bra worker knowing what I wanted and being nice.

HOLIDAYS I participated in Earth Day, and Bond made a half-assed attempt inself (okay,so you run alllll the fluro lights and yet turn off six main ones for the arch?). It was so awkward walking around campus with the arch spotlights off and it made me realize how important and yet wasteful they are. So Earth Day conserved energy, but also got me out walking in fresh air.

Friday, 28 March 2008


BEST FRIEND Is he my best friend any more? I don't know how he feels these days. But regardless he's the best I have at the moment. To compare, Betty sent this: "Hey how are you? When are you coming home again? Sorry I forgot." I don't think Gaz would be that dense?

UNI RESIDENTS I waited all day to hear from Arthur, after telling him three times the night before to text me when Stephen was gone, but he never did. I went to the library to get a marketing book, hoping not to see him, but there he was right by the books...and with Pam. And so I couldn't avoid them, but he expected me to come and stop to talk, but I waved and carried on. He knew I was pissed. I didn't stop being pissy either. Why should I always be cheery? Especially when he did something wrong? I wasn't mean, but I sure wasn't myself. In fact, he also invited me to dinner the next day and I told him we're doing that at the end of the semester to celebrate. Enough said.

Pam was too pushy, as always, and finally apologized after I said, "I don't know, really. I'm not the smartest person in the class" after I tried explaining that it's been a month and that I've been going off May's paper. No point in tearing and tearing away for a non-existent answer.

To be honest, I don't care about here. You get what you give. As for Arthur, we'll be fine.

Then he had the audacity to imply that we can work on it tomorrow.
(I. don't. think. so.)

Thursday, 27 March 2008


UNI RESIDENTS Some random was in the classroom when I arrived and would not leave until Toby showed and he got the idea, or was just not as ballsy any more. Either way I said hi to Toby and we were chatting and joking around, and he's not so bad. Yes, he has many friends whom he uses when he pleases, but for my purposes I feel the same way towards him. So it's mutually beneficial really.

The nice South African-NZ-Australian entered and we were all having fun, but then class started. But wait, it was actually fun today! I was called to the board to mark a line, unsure, and May helped me and the boys laughed nicely. When I was finished I walked back and Toby and Mike clapped, they all smiled, and I took a bow. It was funny. I like being fun as such.

May already has our entrepreneurship group chosen, so that leaves my HRM class. Amazing how I have it chosen way ahead of time, but it feels good to know I don't have to worry.

UNI CLASSWORK we had a group lunch, minus Shivang, and it was so uncomfortable. The best part was Megan, cool Bra worker, going, "About time!" when she went to grab the take-away and I told her no this time. It was just so awkward, and besides Ying playing back American stereotypes innocently, at least she kept up the mood. She has to learn that unless she goes to a country, what she hears is not necessarily true.

On the way to meet Shivang it was like a mini-group meeting on the steps. This is the socialness fun of Bond. Pass people, say hi, stop and chat, and feel good. It was me, Ying, Ines, "Fish" (South African above), Shivang, and later Arthur and Stephen. Stephen just said, "Marketing meeting?" and was an asshole passing. He just used Shivang for Finance and then kept walking. Best part was Toby passing and waving only to me and Fish saying see ya to me.

YING she may lack commonsense but she has one thing going for her: she's not afraid to interview people and ask people to do surveys. So she got our research for us, since none of us had the guts to do it. I congratulated her and she just beamed.

DISCOVERED this is like a re-discovery. Aussie men like to call me Jenny, especially my male professors here. I should go by it.

END Liz and I are officially over for good. She deleted her MSN. So goodbye to the Liz friendship, even though I knew it was over when I ended it in December 2006. She came back to me, and I was nice, but she wasn't as loving. So that's when it just died off. In her own famous words: Meh.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008


LIFE HERE Life in Queensland is cooler than NSW at times. Instead of kangaroos, we have blue-tongued lizards on campus.

UNI RESIDENTS It started off well and ended great. I went to the business building to re-fill my waterbottle only to turn around and see Ash and Arthur walking towards me. So we walked around chatting when we met up with Stephen, and then met up with an Aussie girl I only know by site while I held the lift for it. It was socially beautiful.

But then I was waiting for Arthur in the loo (ha, nice word, Jen) and I heard, "Hellooooo!" with that Chinese accent. It was Ying, just when I thought I had come late enough to avoid her. But no, there she was annoying me. Instead of asking for Fish Liquor's approval, she had to be a strict pain in the ass as always. Always and forever.

After class I was waiting outside for any of my friends (Stephen, Arthur, or Ash) to come out but there was Mike. Cute Mike. The one who is hot but is famous with all the American study abroad students, and so I don't like to get too attached to him. He may think he can use me and then I'll let him.

So I was standing there and he asked what I was looking at and started walking as he was I walked with him. We talked about our classes. About how I should break into the social world. And about staying to live here. It was easy for us, surprisingly. And this was the longest conversation we've had since he cornered me in the brasserie about the stats exam, so it was thrilling. And this was the first conversation, long one, we've had outside the brasserie.

He gave me that flirt of a smile as we parted at the Brasserie steps.

At the brasserie Toby made me smile by sneaking up and teasing me, so I nudged him back. And the cute blond Aussie worker? He was nice again today, giving me the largest chocolate cake and smiling.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008


On my way to International Trade I ran into Pam, a friend of Arthur's, whom I met through Arthur one day in the library. She's snobby, one of those snotty Americans here. And so she looked at me and I couldn't just ignore her, so I said hello, and she followed me into IT asking what I was doing. Not nicely, but abruptly, and knowing her I just ignored it.

She said, "Not to scare you, but International Finance is hard" and so I told her snottingly back, "I was fine with my undergrad." This is after she asked me for the second time how I got out of Fundamentals Finance. I can't stand people who don't remember the first time around.

Finally she asked if I like Bond with this obvious distaste on her face and I told her the truth, that I hate it. The people, the professors, the admin. It's like a backwaters uni. And she agreed and told me, "We'll talk later, hun" after her friend came.

The best thing to come out of it? The "hun" part since I love the petnames from people.

About halfway May and I stopped having the awkward conversations and now we're doing fine. In fact, she's remembering to always ask me about how my group is going. And when I told her the lastest tale, she laughed and said, "You're in our group for Entrepreneurship then" and I couldn't hide my excitement. I love being included.

Monday, 24 March 2008


"The place where the fantasy seems to be dwindling is with the people; we have more tourists than travelers running around the world. I run all over the country and all over the world, and still find spots that just take my breath away. As long as you're in motion, life is an experience and it's meant to be lived. Fortunately, I come from a family of gypsies and sailors. When I was 5 years old I was already thinking about getting out of Mobile."

--Jimmy Buffett

CULTURE I think Ying's lost face when she did literally nothing and I wrote 1/3 of our paper for us. Now she's emailing me pointless links as if it makes up for it. Huh. She critized us for not starting the paper, before I told anyone, as if she couldn't do it herself. So when I told her, her face was shocked. I laughed. Shivang placed his hands as if in prayer and moved them up and down to thank me. I brushed it off, but inside it felt great.

After the horrible group meeting, since none of them did what I told them they had to do prior to us meeting, I went back to the library with Arthur and Stephen to laugh. I was bored so I pulled out some med books, was disgusted by the photos, and went back to sleeping why they studied finance.

GESTURES Apparently Stephen's asking a lawyer about immigration for me and Arthur, without me knowing it. It made me feel great.

Slept 15 hours straight. Not depressed, so is it because I'm stressed?

Saturday, 22 March 2008


GREAT PLEASURES Arthur just happened to find me in the library shortly after it opened and I heard that famous, "Jennnnn!" from him. It was perfect timing really. And following him, an hour later, was Stephen who brought more pleasure to it by hugging me after joking about sexual harassment. This is the second Aussie to hug me that way- as if choking, but caressing, and it's soothing. Just like Tim, the Aussie from Bungie 2 did last semester when flirting with me. Now, Stephen's double my age, but we are just friends. Enough said. I haven't laughed so hard in so long, that I was trying to catch my breath and my face was red.

Another great pleasure? Being in a tall building and looking down on the rest of the world, which is why I want to go to the Q1 building in Surfers after learning it's the tallest residential building. But this is something I also discovered a few months back after flying home from Gaz's place: the thrill of a plane ride. Don't think of it just as transport, but also as a ride, as a thrill It's literally being on top of the world and for a few hours (or more) you get to have the ultimate amusement ride and watch people get bigger and smaller. You get to ride through clouds after staring at them most of your life. You get to be larger than it all.

UNI RESIDENTS & YING Ines was actually on time for our observation, then came Ying ten minutes later. She's pissy all the time, and has been this entire semester. But it's to the point that I don't care at all (since I didn't care much before) and I find her very annoying. I'm hoping that next semester I won't have to deal with her and that she takes strategy instead of Entrepreneurship. It's just that she's too annoying and lacks commonsense ("They are all driving here, so they must live far away." "No, they're just lazy. It's a cultural thing. Like you guys don't drive everywhere in China, but they do here" and the other two agreed). It's just too easy to correct her, not that I'm bringing her down on purpose, but she has to realize that she doesn't know it all.

Regardless of how irritating she is, I have to stop with her. I have to stop thinking of her as a friend, and strictly as another girl, and that will stop the badness from both sides.

CULTURE We all parted and thankfully Ying went opposite with Ines and Shivang went with me. What I like about Shivang is that he may be a pleaser and smile and do whatever it takes to get his way (He is Indian) but it still makes you feel good. He gave me a really cheerful, "See ya!" as we parted on the boardwalk.

LIFE HERE This is what I like about uni life: you can run into friends and be exceptionally social. I ran into Arthur in the labs, without even trying, and so we had a fun hour and a half. On the way out I walked in the rain with happiness and carefree-ness, eating chips which satisfied my hunger for junk food. It was bliss. I was so satisfied after that.


Friday, 21 March 2008


What discipline I have for writing in this thing every day. And just think, I didn't even record my fun days at CSU. I barely touched on them.

DISCOVERED how to beat Americans at their own game. They come to the Brasserie in droves and don't wait in a queue while it's opening up, so I go on the other side where only very few people wait and then beeline it to the register. Otherwise all thirty Americans take forever and cut in front. It feels good to be crafty without doing it in a mean way. And for the first time in three semesters, I was the very first customer.

Megan walked by and said, "Fish and Chips on a Friday! What a great meal!" I wish I could be as outgoing and carefree as her.

CHANGE for a change I took my laptop outside to stare at the stars, listen to the crickets, and breath fresh air. What a difference it makes. Watching the moon slowly creep across the sky and the southern cross before I can't see it any longer.

Thursday, 20 March 2008


UNI RESIDENTS I tried to socialize with Toby and Alex, but either they were in bad moods or just wouldn't have it. I failed, but at least I tried, and it's not like it's going to deter me anyway. But when May came in, she was always bubbly and I love talking to her because she makes me laugh and smile. We would give each other looks during class and it was just FUN.

DEEP SADNESS Then this happened, which scared me since I have an STD (trich) and may become infertile because of it (as written to Gaz):

I'm in the uni centre, the main building on campus, eating my lunch and there's this loud girl here (let's just say I'm on the fourth floor, she's on the third, and I can hear her perfectly). And she's on skye with her mom saying she thinks she has AIDs because she went to Bryon Bay and some guy bled all over her. She's whining that she wants tickets home so she can go to the her doctor because she thinks she's dying now. Her mom keeps yelling really loudly back: "YOU DON'T GET AIDS LIKE THAT. Did he bleed on a CUT? Did you share NEEDLES? Have you had UNPROTECTED sex?" "I don't do drugs! But I did have unprotected sex with Joel. Just Joel, I swear. Just him, really."

I wonder why is she announcing it to the the entire fourth floor? She keeps going back and forth. One moment she wants to leave, and the next she wants to stay since she'll never be in Australia again. Stay, go, stay, go.

Ooooh, drama.

LIFE HERE This is what it's like to live in the Gold Coast: I did my laundry and I have sand all over my "clean" clothes because the person before me went to the beach. I laughed, actually. I found it amusing for some reason.

TEXT Ines sent me a text about our group meeting with "xoxo" at the end. Hmm, girl friend love? But are we really that close of friends?


Wednesday, 19 March 2008


UNI RESIDENTS I felt left out as I was listening to my iTouch on the way to find Arthur and Stephen helping a girl find a calculator from the U.S. But I felt left out because I went to talk to Arthur who was busy listening instead of talking to me. Brushed it off as Ying looked in spurts from seven feet over by the class door. I'm not going to be fake with her.

GREAT PLEASURES Once inside Stephen made up for it by saying, "Jenny, my Jenny" to me which caused me to giggle.

GESTURES I was talking to Arthur while I was getting to leave and he was whinging about not having a stapler, so I ran to the library and did it for him. It felt good. And on the way, who did I see? But my favorite Canadian I was just thinking about a few weeks ago- Gillian. The one who saved my ass so many times in classes when I didn't now the American answer. Turns out she's here still, taking a job at Bond.

YING I was tired of waiting for Ying so I went to leave. "JENNN???" a whine came with that annoying Chinese accent. I told her I was leaving, that I wasn't waiting any longer, and she said she'd meet me. Here she was taking her time, but the moment I left, she got her behind moving within minutes to meet me at the brasserie.

I told her that I was going to my dorm to eat, she knew that. I'm tired of doing whatever she wants. Time for me to do what I want. I want to take like she always takes. So she followed, because she's Chinese and can't argue directly, while I can. But dinner wasn't so bad. And again I have to give it to her- she but up with a moody me (because I had to eat with her). Thankfully she asked a lot of questions, considering we haven't spoken for a month, but no I don't see myself ever being friends with her again.

She hurt me too much on Valentine's Day.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008


I sped-walked to international trade thinking I was late only to walk in and see half the class there and half still missing. Listening to my ipod I was sort of shut out of the world, but it brought me back to see all the faces smiling and friendly at me.

Class was awkward because the professor got in trouble with the dean, about his teaching quality, (although he's smart, he's too smart for us) and he wasn't his bubbly self. I was actually scared and guilty for him. I didn't know most of the answers, but I did know one and he smiled at me.

CULTURE Toby and I smiled when he nicely mocked the U.S. again and it's just this bonding we Americans do. And it's nice to be talked about again in economics, since the U.S. is always used and not Britain. It's nationalistic pride in a way.

I walked out with May and we talked on the way down with Toby behind us. He walked with us, disinterested, and more interested in saying hi to people as he passed. He's a user. He doesn't really care about people unless it's when e wants to.

LITTLE PLEASURES My group meeting-- again, Shivang has surprised me and it was entertaining to listen to him. In fact he said that I shouldn't be saying sorry, even though I know that, and I told him I'm getting better. But see how obvious oneself is to others, even ones that barely know them? And he listened during my presentaton the previous day since he quoted directly with numbers! It feels good to know someone listens. We joked about how fun the multi-cultured uni can be and yet how annoying it is as well.

And that's when I realized that I don't take culture seriously anymore. I'm not learning from the individuals anymore, like I used to with the Aussies. I hear them and see them, but take it for granted because I'm surrounded by every culture under the sun.

GESTURES Now I know why people help. I'm much more patient and helpful with Arthur and it makes me feel so good.

Monday, 17 March 2008


BEST FRIEND I was upset by his boring email, and questioning if he wanted to travel with me even though he brought it up himself at the start. Because even though I know him, and know he won't say it right out, I know question it ever since Sam entered and stirred it up. Knowing he's in love with her pissed me off, hurt me, and know I could care less- but he still values her way too much.

I stirred most of the night about it, even writing semi-snarky stuff. But when I woke up I was calm and collected and checked his email account. I read the email Sam wrote him and it was about her being pissed he said he would visit her and then he never did, three months on. So he even does it to a girl he's in love with. That made me feel better. What sort of pissed me off was reading his response: "When would you like me to come?" Not excited, and yet he said he would come directly. But with me, he didn't say that. He just said that he will during break and so forth. So which is better? Who knows. Who cares.

I give up on him. My love is so small, so remote, that not much can hurt me any more when it comes to him.

UNI RESIDENTS I went to find Arthur to ask him about registration, listening to my music and loving the sun. I find comfort in knowing where to find him. And when I did Stephen was there, who pulled a chair close, and made me sit next to him as he gave me my astrology profile. Most of the things were dead on. About how I'm not happy if I don't get exactly what I picture. About how I always look at the bad and bring it out on people. It was pretty much scary.

I went to see Helen, since I failed the midterm, and she belittled me. She mocked me. She made me so upset that I went home and wanted nothing but Gareth or Mom. She's a British prude who cuts people with her words. And what can I do? I can't piss off someone in control of my marks. But that's a lesson: Brit women are worse than Aussie women. Wow. Thankfully my entire class agrees as well.

After that I had another meeting with my marketing group, and Shivang was actually hilarious and funny and enjoyable to talk to. Why have I not seen this before? Now I get his humour maybe. Now I realize that he just likes to poke at you and be blunt.

UNI CLASSWORK I had my presentation and I wasn't nervous and I don't think it showed either, so I felt great about that. What I didn't feel great about was the actual material and if it at least semi=pleased Brit Prude Helen.

Then the Aussie got up to present and I just felt this immense pride that I have one of those of my own. And when I got home I eamield him even thoguth I wanted to put it off for a few days because he's just frustrating and has too much of a hold on me. But knowing I have an Aussie after three years, someone who loves me, just made my heart swell.

AdVICE {This is taken from someone else who wrote in on a livejournal friend's page}
Sometimes people just grow apart, and become people that we don't need in our lives.

Good riddance, if he's going to belittle you like that. The only people who deserve to be in your life are the people who love you and support you unconditionally, who love the shit out of you, because that's what you deserve.

It sucks so much to lose someone you love and who was so important to you once upon a time, but he dug himself into this grave, and you are so much more and better than he will ever, ever know.

Sunday, 16 March 2008


BUDDHISM & LITTLE PLEASURES I went to the lab and saw someone left a USB behind. So far I stole one from CSU and LEC, but this one I returned. But I felt guilty after seeing they had just worked on a paper last night by right-clicking on their assignment. And then I remembered how I felt when I thought I lost my three drives. So I took it to security where I met a nice man and told him I found it. He was friendly and thanked me, and I felt so good that it was like stress was just rolling off my back as I walked home.

Then I picked pretty, yellow flowers today.

Then I did this for and so I have a tree in Australia named after me now:

Saturday, 15 March 2008


DISCOVERED  I stayed up the entire night, which was refreshing to walk to the IT labs at night and exit with the sun rising. If I make myself stay up the night, I feel like I'm being productive since I'm "up early." I worked on my stats project, discovering that I work best by example and the reason why stats was easy to knock out three weeks early is because I had May's work to review first.

But then I fell asleep because I didn't have caffeine the entire night, only to wake mid-afternoon to walk over to the library (resolution!) and enjoy it while cruising along with music. Just feeling the sun on my skin while it lasts. 

CULTURE  That's where I went looking for Arthur and found him, staying for a few hours to semi-help him and to just read the news myself.  His American friend, this black French-American chick, was being pushy and taking May's finished paper.  I told Arthur, don't tell people we have it or else we'll be caught for "copying" when we aren't.  Arthur's just too nice though.

Even though she was snotty to me and pushy, even though I was trying to help her, she placed her hand on my shoulder and said she'd see me later.  Some Americans are so full of themselves.

I then went and picked some pretty flowers.  I did this at Hargraves, now I'm doing it here
It makes you feel better just looking at the prettiness.

Friday, 14 March 2008


ADVICE May's advice is working. I'm acting like a leader now, taking it upon myself to take charge and send update emails. I even sent them the survey I MADE and told them they are to question seven people this week. We'll see if they do it. If not I'll be firm then. This is going to be the real world, isn't it?

YING During our group meeting I was happier towards her than usual, until she started her usual shit. She called over a friend, after Shivang left, to chat in Chinese and of course I blew her off after that. Not in the mean way, but then she was cold after I didn't talk to her (in a busy way, not mean way). She asked for me to help her with stats, but I told her no since I had to go help Arthur and that I was already half way through. It felt WONDERFUL to blow her off, as always. I'm nice to her but I refuse to be close to her anymore.

Otherwise I spent the afternoon and some of the night with Arthur working on stats. It actually makes me feel more sociable joining him in the librayr. It beats being in my room alone.

UNI RESIDENTS So what is the advantage of just talking to people? You can rely and network later on. I mentioned to Adriana that I had a survey to do and she was all game! It was great, but I need to learn to know my stuff. To be able to "sell" what I'm doing.

CHANGE I moved my bed 180 degrees and what a difference a major change makes. I feel so new and free now.

Thursday, 13 March 2008


RESOLUTIONS; My weekly resolution almost stands. Except for one day, I've gone on at least a decent walk around campus to get out and today was an unplanned one with Arthur and Stephen. I ran into them and before I knew it I was tagging along around Lake Orr, soaking in the sun.

EMAIL & TRAVEL; Hmm, looky there-- jobs in Brissy, Gaz? Haven't I been telling you to come here for a year now?

  • And this really hurt me at first, considering he makes a lot of mistakes himself: "Couldn't care less, couldn't care less...("could care less" means you actually 'could' care less...and I'm being a pain in the arse)."
  • But the truly best part? I quickly read over it and it didn't really hit me at first since he's hurt me a lot these past few months. It's like he's using me for travel and that's it. And so I just went, "Sure, yeah, as if you'd want to" about it. But then I thought that he had the guts to say it, so here it is: "The real Australia...I'll see it one day too. Maybe if you write down a list of all the possibilities you could explore and look at it every now and then, a plan'll develop? (and maybe, just maybe I'll have my shit together...or a little bit of it anyway)."
  • And then I noticed he was back to his joking and caring ways, which he hasn't been like for a bit now. Is it because he cares more about me? Or because he's happier? Or because Sam's gone again? "10%!...phew, nothing to worry about" made me feel much better. Then more loveliness: "Yay, your life monotonous too! We can whinge together (it's so much more fun when there's someone else)."
  • Then he finished it with the salutation I hate, but with a redeemer at the end: "Bye-bye for today, Gareth."

UNI RESIDENTS Arthur is nice and gives me a lot by helping with stats, but then he expects me to do it all and figure it out while he watches people walk past. I don't get it.  I understand he has a learning disability, but I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe he can't stay focused?  I am somewhat understanding, but I wish I could be more.  

Regardless I went back to see him that afternoon to work on stats only to run into Stephen and him walking towards me.  Talk about timing.  After our walk from above I went to the career fair with them and left because I can't network and I'm just timid.  That's when I ran into Ashnita who sat with me and I learned something.  We will never get far as friends.  We are, but we aren't.  I was telling her semi-personal information about how I don't know what to do with my degree and her reply was to go to the library.  

I'm still learning with social situations.  I thought she wanted help with stats and I was waiting for her to say something, but thankfully arthur arrived and saved the tension and uncertainty.  He's outgoing like that.

I texted Ashnita for the first time and emailed May for the first time.  It was a day of newness.  I got Ash's number when she asked to meet us for stats and I got May's email when she asked for an old assignment of mine.

At lunch Megan, the cool and sometimes snarky Aussie but otherwise nice one, was finally joking after a long time of not with me.  She told me how everyone is ignoring me and she came to save me.  But then after that...the cute Aussie blond?  He started talking out of nowhere to me, which is unusual for the two of us.  It was just that nice.  I was smiling all the way to my bungie.  When I make more Aussie "friends" it makes me feel better.

Wednesday, 12 March 2008


UNI RESIDENTS  I finally got Ash's number since I invited her to meet with me and Arthur to do stats.  That's how I used to get people's numbers, right?  And the other thing that's good and bad-- we have all three subjects together next semester, but she's trying to get out of entrepreneurship.  So it depends if that's good or bad-- will I be in May and Ying's group, or not?  So I guess I just have to let it fall where it falls.  

YING  On the way out Ying looked worned out and I went to Arthur with Ash just to chat.  I was nice to Ying, but still not overly happy, not that I was with Arthur either (just because Ying was there).  And we talked and then I had to leave since Ash was and out I went, feeling sociable with my "old friend" from May semester.  Ying drains me.  We're just not compatible friends.  Honest truth.  I tried with her and our cultures are just way too different.  I have a personality and I have humour and she doesn't.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008


DREAMS I was in a card shop and a guy approached to help. and the more he helped the more I realized he was my boyfriend pretending to not know me until we got further and further away from his co-workers. And when we went into the backroom we were holding hands. And once back there we were somehow in a movie theater. Once there I went off on my own for a bit and saw three young kids stealing candy from a machine they broke into. I asked for a reece's cup and they gave it to me, but then the little girl asked for a dime and I refused. So they got mad at me. They were just thieves being sneaky. Eventually I wound up by some couches and a girl was involved somehow, until my boyfriend came back...

UNI RESIDENTS  leaving class made me feel good as always.  May and Ash and I were all chatting about going home, since all three of us are after extended periods away, and it's funny how it was like we were sex in (and?) the city.  Just chatting back and forth, giving fake and semi-real condolences, and no breaks with just chit-chat to keep up busy to play catch-up.  But outside of uni?  I don't think we'd make good friends.  Both are too fake.  I'm even fake with them at times. We can't go beyond much.  But it's good for now, right?

We said goodbye to each other, and only Neil said bye to me, as we walked down the steps and May talked as she texted and said bye before we parted.  Basically I was smiling on the way out. They make it bearable.

Monday, 10 March 2008


I've discovered that I really work when I'm under time constraint. Like today, I actually went through outlining our consumer behaviour paper because it was two hours before class and I needed something to do. Mostly why? I was listening to the soundtrack of Juno and Skins and then Lupe Fiasco's newest album. Music makes it all better.

To top it off, I re-feel in love with David Sedaris after finding videos of him online.

UNI CLASSWORK I failed my 10percent midterm for customer analysis like I knew I would so now I'm missing like 6 percent from my total. But it's only 10percent, right? I've been in worse situations, right? I didn't freak, then I did in private, and then I was fine again.

YING Zala came up to talk while Ying came as well, and Zala kept talking to us both (me at first) and it was fine. But thankfully the boys (Arthur and Stephen) came and the doors to the classroom opened so I could get away from Ying.

I have to get it to the girl: she has guts. I sat down and was nice but cold, and she started tearing up and she said something about her weight. So I was blunt and told her that I was worried since she talks about it a lot and that I just want her to be okay. See, I can show emotions. And that's been she started getting happier. She even asked to have dinner next week.

My Best friend emailed me the day after I emailed him, which for some reason is something has hasn't done in a while (that I can remember at least). So while I wasn't expecting one, I was hoping for one, and it made me feel so much better in regards to failing my one midterm.
  • There was an email from Sam there today, not much, but hey it's an email. The problem is I never have anything to say...all the people I know are doing something with their live, unlike me. It's kind of hard to make what I'm doing sound interesting, and not boring instead. Finally, more Sam talk to make me feel included. And I'm pretty happy that he's relieved. Because I'm happy when he is.
  • I guess that's what I mean by the whole themepark thing in Australia. You may as well see Australia (tasmania, north west Australia, northern territory etc...although your parents sound like that'd just make them bored). I've decided Australia are crap when it comes to running decent theme parks. Does he think my parents are coming here?
  • And Owen's coming along on the weekend with the whole posse, so I'll wait and see how that turns out. Finally calls him by his name.
  • So I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, fingers crossed...should be a problem...and I have to remember to get my eye appoinment booked, I noticed just how bad my eyes are getting! Yay, he'll let me know ;p
  • Messing around with camera settings. The water bottle was with "vivid" and the others were with "dawn/dusk." I'm trying to either achieve an over saturated look or a muted look.

Sunday, 9 March 2008


WEEKLY RESOLUTIONS Over at doc-u-menting Mae Jane has noticed the idea of a fellow blogger to create easier, more obtainable goals by looking at them in a weekly sense. Just like with listography, it should make it more easier and a lot more fun for me to do this. But what will be my resolution this week? I think this week I will take a short walk every day just to force myself outside of my room. And this is why:

LITTLE PLEASURES I was tired of being stuck inside, with no sunlight or fresh air, so today I went for a twenty minute walk around campus while listening to Lupe Fiasco. Not only did it feel refreshing to get out, exercise, and be renewed, but I also find that listening to music while driving or walking is the best entertainment.

Watching Lars and the Real Girl is making me laugh.

Seeing a smirk on Mike's face made me smile.

Knowing the Bra well enough has made me content.

DEEP SADNESS but it also makes me sad to know that I won't meet anyone. No one to wake up to. No more sex. Nothing romantic. I guess Gaz is a substitute for some of that? But I guess if things get too lonely and travelling runs out, I can always have a baby via artificial fertilization.

I want my photos to look like these.
I want to be able to take photos like these.
I LOVE the show Skins and wish my life could be just as fun.

Saturday, 8 March 2008


I waited for either Arthur or my group to text, but no one did. And on the way to the library before it closed I heard that annoying, "JEN!" from Arthur. Where he draws it out, and I joked that he didn't call me. Apparently he spent all day working on his assignment and felt too busy to text me for his own benefit. I told him how I had already done half of mine, but can show him how to do it, and he made a time with me...only to back down on his two minutes later. It's for his benefit, so I shouldn't care at all.

The brasserie. I walked in and Mike was walking the opposite. Do I say hi? Play it off? I don't even remember who said it first. We're not exactly close friends, just acquaintances, and I don't want to come off as a flirt, so it's always questionable. In the end he asked how I was and we were smiling, but both of us were acting awkward.

What I was going to write to Gaz and decided not to include because he wouldn't appreciate it:
"The Cleveland Cavs were actually on your news. I mean, *Cleveland* sports on *National Aussie* news? How weird. I finally finished There Will Be Blood and I did the usual IMDB thing I do where I have to check the trivia and boards. I found this: "Father was a local celebrity in Cleveland, where he hosted horror shows using the name Ghoulardi" (I didn't know Ghoulardi had a Hollywood son). So there's just weird stuff I'm finding out about home, without looking for it...

Then I found this site and was a little put off by the satire of "stuff white people like" until I read the part about studying in Australia. Then I couldn't stop laughing: this"

Friday, 7 March 2008


On the way to see Arthur for another meeting for stats coursework, I ran into Ying. She wasn't smiling at first, but I was smirking just to be civil as I walked down the steps and she walked up. "Hi" we both said and she asked how I was, while I did the same. She stopped, as if she wanted to talk, but I kept going with a smile on my face.

TEXT That night she texted me to sleep well and have a good weekend. I was surprised to be honest. She hasn't done that in a long time. Trying to be friends? Upset that I'm cold now that she has been cold this entire semester?

GREAT PLEASURE Dinner was the best. I went to Mike and got my first paddlepop at the Bra. And I asked him about International Trade since he had this BIG smile on his face as I approached. He kept the smile and even kept me there as I cued that I would leave. I didn't want to, but I also didn't want to over flirt. But then he brought up stats and we kept at it and I was giggling. My crush treats me well. Now if only we could hook up.

Thursday, 6 March 2008


Should I talk about only the most important or go through everything? I'm never sure which way is best. Because really, do I ever look back at these things? Very rarely, if ever. But today was Thursday, meaning I had a tute in the morning and then I had my usual marketing meeting right afterwards.

UNI RESIDENTS on the way out I ran into Jillian who got me smiling by saying hi cheerfully and wanting to talk. It's becoming easy with her and seeing a smile makes me skip along. Maybe it's the acceptance? The socializing?

UNI CLASSWORK got to class knowing I didn't do my homework, nor did I want my midterm back, but I went there happily and chatted easily as usual with those classmates. Saying hi when they walked in, getting a great smile from the German, and chatting up the two girlies (Ash and May). And once class started I felt bad that he sadly sat there waiting for us to talk, but almost everyone did (except Ash). And I even answered three times, twice on my own. The first time he called on me I was the first to be correct and he was excited. Even May didn't know what she was doing and supposedly she's one of the smartest people there.

The third time I answered was the best part. He was so excited that he turned toward me and my mouth kept blabbering out as he smiled and got excited. I've never talked so much in a class before and it felt great. Obviously I was the only one who read the case study and it felt great to help him out.

I just hope he doesn't get fired. He's intelligent but a horrible teacher. That's why I felt so obligated to answer so many questions.

Before our meeting I went to the library to see Arthur to discuss when we were meeting to do our stats homework. And as we were standing there I noticed May and Ying in the printing room, behind us, only to have May come over and interrupt us. Started talking to Arthur and I joined in, as if I didn't notice Ying walk up since she didn't say anything herself.

Eventually Ying broke in and took over May, so I talked to Arthur as we looked at his brother's website. And as we looked at it, May was leaving and made a point to say goodbye to us as I went back to Arthur. "Jen, our meeting?" that ugly, annoying accent went. "Yeah," I said and turned back to Arthur. As if I'll give you attention now.

LITTLE PLEASURES 12:01 I walked outside and ran into Ines just in time and excited talked to her as Ying came and then Shivang. A little pleasure was waving excitedly to Ines who reciprocated.

Inside we went. Now the fun started. Shivang and Ines are wearing thin with Ying. She questions you to death, acts like she knows it more than you (even if it's something personal about you), and doesn't stop. She drives you mad. And I could see it on their faces.

In fact, we went unannounced to Fish Liquor since Ying went herself without telling us to get an interview, and we had to go back. First, I'm amazed at her willingness to do it on her own and not be afraid. Second, I'm amazed at her lack of common sense. You don't just drop in and question people. But he was an Aussie bloke and didn't seem to mind.

That's when Ines and Shivang got especially pissed at Ying, just like I have these two semesters. She lacks common sense. She thinks differently. As we parted ways, it was me with those two as Ying went else where and all three of us simultaneously started bitching about her. This and that. It didn't stop until we had to each go our own way.

At least I'm not alone. At least someone else finally gets what I mean about her. She's ridiculous.

The best part of the day was going to the Brasserie and finally chatting with the cute blonde Aussie Bra worker who smiled and laughed. All I did was joke at my mistake of giving me the wrong coloured ticket. It made me feel so beautiful inside.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008


After our tutorial, in which I saw Ying look at me out of the corner of my eye as I left without acknowledging her, Arthur asked me to go to the postgrad drinks. So time comes around, Stephen calls, and I'm walking over with him so we can wait for Arthur to finish his exam. We stood there talking easily for almost forty minutes about this and that, etc, and how I should apply for a visa here since it will do be good down the road to have two citizenships.

Arthur finished, we walked over, and it was only twenty minutes left until postgrad drinks was over. Me being scared, as always, didn't want to bother but those two acted like they belonged and it was their right and got in without paying. In fact, I stood back until they coaxed me.

The German, the cute one I have a silly crush on, was outside and Stephen went right to him to talk. He has amazing skills like that. Barely knows him and can just talk and keep it going without any awkward pauses. And so when he did I stood near and eventually they moved closer while the German kept including me.

Eventually we were inside and Stephen was sitting right there, keeping in mind that he's married and like a father to me, but he still acts like a 25 year old boy. He kept hugging and joking, being really loud. I felt semi-intelligent being able to talk about visas and booming economies and the election. Usually I'm not that news worthy intelligent.

Kept hugging and so close.

On the way back I said "footpath" and Stephen said, "Footpath? You've been here too long!"

And once in the bungie Stephen was talking about Gaz for about thirty minutes. He said I love conflict, and that Gaz takes it, which is why I nitpick and fight and we never part. He said that I have to keep my eyes open meanwhile. And that Gaz is just needy and wants it, which is why he doesn't come but wants me to come.

The best part? We were loud enough that Jillian heard and knew I wasn't a loser. It made me feel good to have friends there and to talk about my personal life so she knew.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008


Another weird dream, third in a row that I remember, just like when I was in Newcastle and had memorable dreams almost every night. It was about Gaz again, but this time he had given me some birthday presents (which is something he's only done once out of three times so far). They were a massive candy bag full of lip gloss, a dark brown tube of lip gloss (which perplexed me since it wasn't my color), and two aquariums full of jellyfish and turtles and the like. I remember one massive turtle hiding under a lily pad. It was odd.

I woke up to a Ying missed call and then a Ying email, being anal and nosy. But knowing her, it's her horrible English skills and she just comes off anal instead of "caring". She told me I "missed a lot" but to her everything is valuable and I know for sure that it's bullshit, considering that I heard that the speaker took an hour and that the presentations took 40 minutes. Leaving about 40 minutes of nothing- in which they probably went over course material. She's that blessed annoying- why does she care? She treats me like crap. But still I like attention, so that fed it.

May was already in the classroom, which is unusual and she started her fake speech; " are you? How'd you do? I think I did sooooo bad. I had finance and then ran to take that exam...." I don't believe her. Don't believe HD students who know their assignment questions. But to honest, I was terrified by "Jennnn..." that it had something to do with Ying somehow. Thankfully Ash joined by sitting in between us for the first time.

Our international professor giggles. He gets to excited about the subject. And yet people don't appreciate him. He keeps that happy outlook no matter how much they mistreat him because he can't teach. I try to smile at him as much as I can.

On the way out I walked with May and we had a pretty decent conversation for the second time and ran into Joey for the second time this semester. I loved it. I felt like I belonged again. Bye to Toby and Ash and walking out with May and running into Joey. I just loved it. I can't explain what it's like not to have a lonely walk to my bungie.

Monday, 3 March 2008


{Finally added some photos}

I stayed up the entire night because I couldn't sleep because of Gaz. But of course, I woke up and found his email, so then I couldn't sleep still because by then it was 3am. Even though this technically happened last night, I'll mentioned it here:
I was expecting him to get defensive, but actually he seemed pretty broken down. In fact I ignored reading his email until this morning out of fear. But the best part of the email? "Hey, I know you don't "love me" love me, and don't worry I feel the same way back."

Stats eventually came, real fast too, and there I was with Zala standing next to me and having no problem socializing while I was wishing she'd shut up. And as she was speaking, Ying arrived and stood at the side, thankfully. Doors opened, we went in, and I went to my newly updated iTouch to have Ying want to "ask me a question." She fucked up her referencing and got in trouble with it, but she never took my advice to learn endnote, so why bother asking me now? I was cold and stayed relatively cold, and managed to work Stephen in so I didn't have to bother much.

After she left and class started, no Ash or Mike showed, meaning it was pretty quiet throughout. And although I listened, I was dead-tired because I hadn't slept, and I almost fell asleep twice. Ines kept making faces and vice versa because he was dragging on and we were bored. We're pretty decent friends- not close, but have fun.

That's why I pre-decided not to go to Customer Analysis. I have not missed a class yet, and being week 8, I had to miss at least one. And so it felt good skipping. On the way out, walking with Arthur and Stephen, I felt like I belonged with them as if it's just that easy with everyone. Until I ran into Shivang who pulled the Indian bullshit-in-your-face-for-no-reason stunt with me when I told him I can't go to class. "I didn't sleep either? Why not? Why?" I kept it relatively cool, but I don't like that Indian trait. I just need to learn to keep it more calm though.

Talking with Stephen he said that his wife's upset that I was charged $900 in fees with my plane tickets. See? I'm important enough to be talked about otherwise. It made me feel like they all care.

Sunday, 2 March 2008


I slept until 3pm again, and he hadn't checked his email as of 5pm. So either he is gone or he is ignoring my email. If he ignores my email, then I will call in two weeks about my book and my money, on a Tuesday. Question is, that discussion with friends and family was a month old. That last month he's been in close contact with me, so it must be a heated thing like I've done. And it's true anyway. But he must've been upset like I was, and that neither of us want to part, but that we just have to deal with it. And why would he be semi-decent in his last email to me if he friends emails were like that? So the question still is, is he ignoring me now?

Saturday, 1 March 2008


I slept from 5am to 5pm. It felt great, but that's how depressed I am. I'm better though! I smiled once I got out of my bungie. I realized that I have Jess and Betty, and that I just have to put up not emailing him (which is a chore) and not receiving birthday wishes. Importantly I did discover that I am too anal, that I take it out on him in the wrong way, and I need to calm down with my friendships.

I especially felt better when it was dinner and Mike was there to smile at me. Life does go on.

*The big question now: "Why did he ignore my email on Tuesday?" He hasn't checked his mail since Thursday/Friday, so he must be in Sydney.

*Think of now. Yes, he badmouthed me, but with reason. If he didn't like me (he called himself a wanker and said he felt weird reading it), then he wouldn't have continued emailing me. Like he said, he's lonely. And it was MY choice to leave.

*So wait till Sunday/Monday to see if no response and then just email that snarky one asking for my things. Don't wait around this time.