Entry HUNDRED-TWENTY-ONE

I want to create beautiful things. I wish I had my old talent back, or maybe it's just on hold because of uni.

KNITTING A few days ago I finished a knitted cozy of a squid and also a few days ago I finished adding ears to my red & cream (original) ipod cozy. Knitting the bear ears made carrying that ipod around even more fun. It's embarrassing, but it's mine, it's fun, and it's cute.

CREATIVITY this creative piece from pushing daisies (season 1, episode 8) made me giggle so hard since it was unexpected, sweet, and the delivery was perfect. This is what sparked my desire to be creative.

UNI RESIDENTS Stephen stood me up, which is unusually, even though he is usually late. I was glad because I got there and didn't want him to show, even though it would've helped me. That's how I get these days. I want to do it, go to do it, and then I don't.

On the way to lunch the redhead wasn't very friendly, overly like usual, but on the way out I ran into one of the workers I see smoking under the passway and he said, "Oh, thanks, love" when I was holding my cup of coke and waiting for them to move a large door. It made me laugh and giggle.

Before dinner made me feel special. Stephen came to find me for the exam and it felt great running after him, all free, talking in the common room.

Dinner was fun. Brunette-teeth woman was laughing so hard because she didn't notice me standing there and short-blond got the take-away tray because she didn't hear. On the way back to my bungie for once Jillian jumped when she saw me on the porch and we were laughing so hard because I'm always the one jumping.

Afterwards I realized how nice it is not to have Ying around all the goddamn time. I like peace.
BEST FRIEND Gaz emailed me. It wasn't very friendly or caring, so I've already written a short draft to send tomorrow. Meh. I'm losing so much love for him.

Gareth's an asshole and I don't care, and then I do care. So I sent him a semi-cold, semi-fuck you email. Like a I don't need you kind.

Entry EIGHTY-EIGHTY

I tried so hard to get to the congee this morning, but it only reminded me how much I need to get around once in a while. After I got ready and rushed to the Lakeside Grille, I saw it was empty in hopes I could take a picture of the congee, but instead I found that it was deserted because they've stopped offering breakfast this semester. No wonder the Brasserie offers breakfast so much- why couldn't I see that? Of course, it makes sense. And so that's why I should get out more and see what's been changed and updated sometimes. Why is it so difficult to get to now that I actually want to try it? I even tried the Brasserie and found that they were only offering porridge, baked beans, and spaghetti. Gaz believes me I know, but it's got to be funny how I can't get ahold of the stuff. This is my second time trying and I will try again tomorrow (friday) and, if not, Saturday or Sunday. I need that photo to prove I'm good to my word.

No German in marketing made me feel free as I smiled and felt no pressure to look as if I were keeping busy, as immature as that may sound, but that's always my reaction around someone I'm blatantly not talking to. Even though I did no wrong. Elaine surprised me with how talkative she was with me for once, but maybe because she was a bit more earlier than usual. Either way, she gets on my nerves, never asking about myself.

Joey and Dino (two Chinese) sat in the back as usual and I asked Joey to see their draft (which we already did ours weeks ago) and Dino was obviously talking about me and pointing in my direction. Joey smiled and when I handed back the paper I gave a "meh" and "rude" smirking look and didn't say anything. Joey must've realized and wanted to talk while they both smiled at me.

"So there's this other German guy (a forth of the class is German, after all) and he sits at the table next to mine, always bothering me with seemingly pointless questions. Anyway, today he asked me what I thought of the midterm, so I told him the truth (that I didn't like it, even though I prepared two weeks in advance). I don't know if this is a personal thing, or a German thing (because I found this with Franzi), but he told me I didn't like it because I didn't prepare. He told me I didn't study right and I didn't study the right stuff. I just kind of looked at him and went "uh-huh" and went back to working on my laptop. Cultural things, it's the little cultural idiosyncrasies that are just as annoying. He doesn't know me and yet he "knows" I studied wrong and that he's automatically smarter than me. Hmm."

Elaine must have been tired of eating alone because she asked me to lunch. I knew she wanted Lakeside so I obliged while she went around the fact with, "What do you want?" The place was busy, the salad made me bloated, and it was disgusting as usual. She knows I hate it, but I'm always the one giving in. No more. What made the situation even more unpleasant is that we were conversing fine, but as usual she didn't care about my life. Only hers. She wanted to talk about her boyfriend, but was emotionalless when I told her I was staying here with Gaz.

"And once again the academic highlight of my week was my favorite subject, regional studies. I felt good for once in that class because we were talking about Australian history, and guess who was the only one who knew her questions? Me for once, go figure (take that Europeans who think they know everything!)...I think hell just froze over and pigs are flying. Anyway, it's thanks to you teaching me so much over the years. I even giggled when she brought up Holt, because I instantly remembered you telling me that. Let's see, and strangely enough, I was the only one in the class to have gone to Melbourne and to The Rocks and know about Ned Kelly..."

Jillian kept looking back and me and commenting, as Americans and Canadians know each other, and it made me feel good to talk to her. I want to be her friend but she's sometimes hard to get to. She's cool and has her friends already.

On the way back from class I ran into that random cute, blond guy again who said around week two, "Hey, how ya goin'?" which I love. Then Matt saw me and was especially happy like old times, running the conversation in his fast talk and smile.

I started mom's beanie/hat yesterday and so far I've been working four hours on it (what is above). I love the pattern of it, the little bumps. That's why it's taking longer than Gaz's did, but it's going to be so pretty when it's finished. A little hiccup occurred when I didn't realize the pattern was big enough for doing it in the round, hence the double "ribbing", but I like the look actually.

Entry SEVENTY-TWO

UNI CLASSWORK class was pleasant because of the social aspect and the fact Peter finally recognized the fact I read the chapter (I used to, but now I go ahead and answer his questions the night before). Anna was involving me in her talk, wouldn't stop smiling and talking to me before class, and it just feels good to be noticed like so. Talking, laughing, smiling. We exchanged mouthing words thoughout, as well as with the other Anna(belle). People who don't even know my name are nice and I enjoy that; it feels good.

Jillian's pretty nice after all. At least when others are not around her, begging for her attention. I ran into her on the porch and we had a nice short chat. She's not bad at all.

BUDDHISM today is the day I started "converting" over so to speak, but it kind of scares me considering I've been a catholic...although I still question it. And so I'm reading my Buddhism book, highlighting, and hoping I'm doing this for me and not the fact I'm trying to be exotic. The whole Aussie thing isn't doing it anymore.

I finished a third of it all today! It took about
three days total, I believe. So easy and turned out fine.
I love looking at it. So now I've almost finished a scarf,
almost finished an afghan, and I've finished a beanie.

Entry SIXTY-SEVEN

For the first time I'm so worried that I'm not even feeling it yet.
Why has the German fucked us over?
Why didn't I finish the presentation and paper earlier?


UNI CLASSWORK As written to Gaz: "So it's Thursday/Friday and it's the usually uni debacle. At this point I'm freaking out- the German told us yesterday that he didn't do his part and we have the paper and presentation due on Monday. Um, I was so upset (not angry, but incredibly frustrated and disappointed) that all I could do was smile. Elaine and I talked and if he doesn't have it by our meeting, then we're going to ask him to do the entire presentation while we write up his part.

Group work never works, I wish they'd stop it in these subjects. I get why they attempt to make us do it, but it almost always (there's only been two situations where it hasn't) works out that one or two people do absolutely nothing and we're picking up their slack. So hopefully Elaine and I can salvage this and then meanwhile I get to finalize my China paper and give that short (5 minute) presentation on Tuesday (all these speeches are upsetting my stomach). I'm kind of excited to get them over with, but at the same time it's really getting to me.

I was proud of myself though, because when we went to see the lecturer, I wasn't nervous (usually I shake for some reason when I'm in someone's office for the first time)."

UNI RESIDENTS After the mistake of seeing the lecturer, Elaine asked me to lunch, where we didn't talk much. When dessert came, the "cool" Brasserie worker was nice and was chatting to me about chocolate, and how she doesn't crave it. They're so nice if you give it time! I thought it was over with Elaine, but then she asked me to walk around the lake, and I knew she was worried or otherwise she would've ran off. We walked, it was pleasant, and then I sat on the end of the fountain area where she joined me. We chatted pleasantly, easily enough, and I enjoyed it. Even Ray Gordon walked by and made sure to say hello to me- professors here are really nice and remember you the next semester.

Gaz emailed, which was not expected, and it was shorter than the last. But regardless, he seems excited about his beanie!

I started knitting Gaz's beanie on Tuesday, the 16th, and I've gotten pretty far. It's difficult and takes longer since the thread is smaller, but it shouldn't be too bad since it's just a beanie. I've learned the stockinette stitch on top of how to use a circular needle...along with doing a purl stitch for the first time since I attempted a few years ago.

Entry FIFTY-NINE

UNI CLASSWORK Woke up with twenty minutes before class and never before have I slept in and woken up with such a short period of time to get ready. I stumbled around, rushed to brush my teeth, barely covered my self in cover-up, and ran out the door. Thought about skipping, but it would be my second time, because I just loathe being late and having to walk in with other people sitting down and looking, afraid I won't find a seat even if half of them are empty. But I was still the first to arrive, panting, and not thinking clearly because I was still a bit asleep. The professor likes to touch my forehead whenever I tell him I'm sick, he gets under my skin, and I just cannot pinpoint why he bothers me. Besides belittling my culture, speaking slowly and signing words as if we're mentally handicapped, and claiming and blaming culture wise...I just can't say exactly why I don't like him. When he's not praising me, it's like he wants to cut me down. So I firmly told him, "I'm almost finished with my paper" with pride. I even answered over six times in one class period!

Why do I want to build classroom realtionships with those I won't see, especially when they're from an elective? Melissa and I are good, but I wanted to smile at the Floridian, and one of the Bostonians made me feel special by talking about the Indians. Even the only Aussie guy was so cute; I liked his fun and friendly way.

BEST FRIEND Now I feel a little odd; is he or isn't he? My view of him hasn't changed and I love him the same, but now I'm not sure how to act around him? Sadly, I wish I didn't feel this way, but now I'm not "in love" with him...not even the tiniest bit. I can't be. But at the same time it sort of makes up for him turning me down. I will always love him, but yet I don't feel as close to him, because when you "like" someone, you tend to act more closely and lovingly.

I finished my second stripe!!

Entry FIFTY

Writers regret, hoping he doesn't take the way I worded it wrong. He said, "both" and I took it as an invite. Otherwise he wouldn't have offered? Why worry! Wait till Monday I say!

Slowly changing like how I take more showers and how I eat brekky each morning. But also how I'm keeping up on my homework and continuing with my knitting, meaning I'm taking responsibilities. I get little surges of energy at night for some reason and I can tell when the drowsy feeling is replaced with hyperness and the desire to dance or do some work. Worried a bit about Gaz now that I've come across even more info about bulimia. My fourth week is about to start and I've already started studying for marketing and some of it seems to sink in while the rest is merely passing through. I wish I retained all the info from my marketing classes, how do people do that? Oh, and if I truly don't care for Liz then why am I playing MSN games with her? Closure, that's it. I want her to come to me and I want to blow her off. Why, not sure. But I love doing that to my ex-friends. Meanwhile, where is Pearly? She hasn't responded to me all day, which is strange. Proof that I don't just obsess about Gaz, but all people I care for.



Finished the brown stripe and now to finish the blue stripe. Not as long as I wanted, but I don't have much to work with considering mom only sent down a limited amount of yarn. For my first blanket, not so bad. This is only pushing me to continue to finish this thing, and be happy I accomplished a finished knitted piece.

This adorable email made my night!

Entry THIRTY

UNI RESIDENTS She must be American. Undergrad, too. A cute boyfriend and I think she's American (I can never tell anymore since Aussie is just as normal!) because visiting boys said, "slurpee!" So she's not alone. So she has a few boys over. It's odd how it's not quiet anymore. Therefore I hope we do become friends (her idea after all). Now to get that going...How did it happen at Hargraves?

Woke this morning with the urge to work in my moleskine, but what would I write or draw? Jess emailed and it seems excited, but I haven't read it yet. She was the one I wanted to hear back from the most, but I was expecting at least Cassidy to email as well (maybe too soon?). I'm fearing Gaz, as if I did it too early, but it's nothing out of the ordinary for me to reply right away. I just hope he emails soon. If not, he will eventually.

Turned my head to the side and watched the little blinking bar instead of the words and I love this new perspective. See things differently.

The boys are going back and forth from her room. It's going to be a noisy dorm this semester- good. I just want to be included. It's like Hargraves all over again.

Later that night Jenny stopped by to welcome the new girl. I heard her say as she left "Jen is here" but I'm not sure why since I couldn't hear the whole deal. But I thought it was sweet she still remembers and that she mentioned me.

IM/Text/Email
Gareth Thomas to me 12:24pm (11 hours ago)

Hey Gen

So I woke up exhausted today, which is weird because I skipped the gym yesterday- wonder why? I did go to the gym just then to make up for missing he last couple of days, but after...oh...twenty second on the bike and then the treadmill it didn't look like that was going to happen, good thing is I actually got a weights session out of the way for the first time in four weeks (feels better than nothing. I might just have a movie session today, sitting in front of the heater?)

I guess I'll try doing a bit of homework too. Search the internet for a few leg etc exercises other wise I'll never get it done.

That and return the video (I've got more fines, I was to stuffed to bother yesterday- nobody should have to get up that early, even if they've got no choice).

I've run out of money like always, but I've already sent an SOS to mum. Asked for thirty and she's going to give me fifty- I love how they always do that (she knows it's fifty I really want anyway, who asks for thirty dollars? It's a stupid amount).

So I'll try to finish my other book later and get started on harry potter I guess- may as well.

I'd visit the tattooist today except that I'm too zoned out and I've got no money anyway. It'd feel weird going in and not making a booking (plus he'll just tell me to come back monday anyway), so Monday it is, then booking the soonest time I can.

And that's about all, oh except I did a massive pooh this morning- felt so good, it's not going to last.

I'm betting you made it back fine...stay away from annoying 'knowitall's, I think a kick in the balls is a perfectly understandable reaction.

I'd write more, but as you can see, not much happens in my life in twenty four hours (guy at the gym had nice arms though...bastard)

See ya,
Gareth.

PS. find out wht all the asian dishes are, my minds going crazy with curiosity!







KNITTING Oh, how I missed you so! The majority of the down time in Canberra I was craving to work on my blanket, have to relax and half to just get my first finished knitted project. Today I did just that. I got the urge to sew the pieces together, on inspiration, and it worked so nicely and they are as if knitted together. Only problem is the obvious jagged edge, however this is my first blanket and I'm proud of it regardless. I did it with no help.

Brown side: 71cm
Blue side: 62cm
In total: there will be three brown, two blue. The middle brown will be "fancy" (the last piece I will do).

Maybe one fifth of it is finished, and I feel so good now that two pieces are together and I know this will work. I've pushed myself to continue.

But do I keep it, give it to mom, or to Bear? Decisions, decisions.

WELLBEING Rules to live by: live by your rules. Don't stick with what is easy or familiar, or else you will not discover or learn. Be kinder. Be patienter. Laugh and smile more. Take some chances and risks. Be bold when need be. Be confident. Know that you belong here as well. Don't sabotage friendships. Value those you have. Believe in yourself. Be positive. Know your life will get even better. Remember you always have Gareth. Don't waste time. Dream. Listen. Look. Try again and again. Let go of the bad. Remember and record. Don't worry about tomorrow and live for today. Make the most of what you have and remember that it can always be worse.

Entry TWENTY-SIX

Woke up at 10pm to a hiccup and then I giggled. I hope it was him ;)

"And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here.

See you,

Gaz."

It made me giggle today thinking of it. The whole, "I'll tell you how my day went when you get here" deal. Just think that a few months ago we were still emailing each other once, twice a week and now it's everyday. That's why I think he said that, because then I won't hear about his Monday!

LIFE HERE That IGA was a little rough again, so I have to remember to smile and never look away as if bored. It's always the same girls, so there's no point in getting on their bad side because because I'm nervous about my accent. (ADVICE say "hi, how are you?" first).

Things change when all the popular regulars are around and you know you won't be scrutinized. I was blasting music. I opened my room door, not afraid someone would walk by and even if they did, so what? I placed food in the fridge. I felt like this was my bungalow as well, for once. I walked around campus, even though it was open day, looking straight ahead as, "I already go here. I am not a freshmen." I blast my ipod and laughed at their "international food" tent, full of Mexican and Chinese and stereotypical food to please the tiny groups. If they have to go all out, then they are compensating for something or begging for you to come be a Bondie.

I began to get nervous about Canberra and started knitting to calm my nerves. (KNITTING) 30 inches in one day! Just look at that brown next to the blue, how beautiful. It gets exciting to see my work coming together.


KNITTING is distracting me from Canberra. It's my new thing to calm me down, calm my nerves, and distract me from life as I subconsciously move that yarn. Just look how the two colors look together! I can't wait to see what this thing will turn out to be like.

LITTLE PLEASURES no class. being able to knit. knowing that everything always works on. learning that no one is more important than you. having a good dinner with everything you like. being able to walk around campus freely. good music. good roomies. seeing hot guys across the street. knowing that gaz loves me. knowing that I get emails from home, more than last time. an empty laundry room. calling greyhound and getting a cheerful, nice woman. realizing that making phone calls are easy and fast. ice cream after a month. feeling at ease in the Gold Coast. being told by an Aussie that he understands and that I'm adventurous. chocolate mint cookies after weeks of none. a warm room. tea that is not too hot. seeing older pictures of Tiger. laughing so hard. getting a stranger to smile. a good conversation with no pauses. seeing your best friend after three months. going to bed when I'm completely exhausted. a real hug. slipping into bed with a best friend. realizing there are no classes and no responsibilities for a bit.

GROWN UP if there's no Aussie visa for me, I want to try Italy, where I hear the boys woo girls. Meanwhile though, Jess and I both coincidentally want to try Florida and she's got an apartment she wants me to move in with her. I like having a plan. I want Gareth in it, but I won't think anymore about that just yet.


Tried to donate, but I will be outbid while I am gone.

SMALL GESTURES I am on an artsy, helping kick. I'm gathering ideas how to rejuvenate my room, make it more inspiring. I want to help out as much as I can. I started this blog to remember the feelings and deep insides, instead of the boring surface. I have two flickr accounts. I will start a moleskine again in Canberra.

Entry TWENTY-FIVE

64 cm (25 in); 10 hours (fast and slow),
all my pale blue yarn is finished!

















It is still relaxing, but I don't like the feel of the yarn anymore. It rubs, it's rough, and I feel like I'm stretching it too much. Starting the brown was a little difficult to get the casting on down again, but then it was simple again. I love the color, so muted and easy and not blue (which you can get sick of if you see it a lot). And as I was counting 35 stiches, I remember that reading Harry Potter and watching the movies is why I started knitting in the first place. I wanted a Harry scarf! This project was started as a Christmas present for Gaz since he was always complaining about the weather. Will I give it to him? Not sure.



IM/Text/Email

Hey,

Well, today's appointment day to get this tattoo drawn up (I think I've forgotten all my ideas- I don't know how the hell I'm going to explain what's in my head? Iv'e decided to just try empty it, and hope it doesn't cost anything yet!). I'll have to see what they say about being in a swimming pool- probably not allowed so I'll have to delay it for a while....

Lucky for you I can't check out the list you sent on this computer (firewall), probably a good thing for me too I'll start to get big ideas (you can have too much of a good thing).

Fun giving speeches to kids!?! Have you gone mad- speeches fun? I'll get nervious as much as talking to adults (I've just realised I've never really worked with kids in any way what so ever).

You seriously don't know what gourmet means? Usually it just means good ingredients and fancy food (where ever it comes from- ie no fish and chips, vanilla ice-cream (unless it's made with real vanilla beans etc) and so on and so forth).

Eh, don't worry, you probably worked out by now that it's way too hard to get lost in Australia.

And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here.

See you,

Gaz.

INVITES Tonight, in a handful of hours, I will be having a somewhat uncomfortable dinner with Arthur and Stephan, at Stephan's house. I kind of hope others will be there as well to take half of the attention off of me, but I don't think so. Happy I was invited, that I get to do something different, but it's uncomfortable since my fallout (quiet one at least) with Arthur and how I am the youngest by far. My finickiness when it comes to food shouldn't stop me from eating, however.

The dinner was already set up, beautifully in fact. Each corner had two little burners and two mini frying pans, along with a platter of butter cubes. The rest was just covered with capsicum, egg plant, beef, fish, chicken, bacon, onions, and you name it. I loved the idea, something that came from Europe. You sit for hours cooking mini meals and you can eat whatever you like. Even picky eaters would be happy.

Although he continually talked of himself for four hours long, I began to like him. I felt comfortable and I was amazed how he can insult. "I get along with Americans," he told us. Yet he always has to be a know-it-all, a real turn-off. He talked of things beyond me, his experiences, and about the business world. Every time I mentioned something, he turned it to himself.

(CULTURE) He swore big time in front of his six year old daughter. Drank a lot and drove home going over the line. He just grabbed food with his hands. Yes, even "refined" aussies are hicks. Or "easy going" as he says.

He knew I wasn't happy here because my friends aren't up here. Amazing.

Four hours of him talking and on the way home he invited us back again. He kept insisting in fact, that he needed something to talk to now that he'll be on research. My only regret? Not saying at the very end of dinner thank you.

UNI CLASSWORK I have this urge to buy my books for next semester now that I have nothing to do. I have the urge to distract myself and to get a head start, although I was so excited once all the weight was lifted off at the finish of my Global Business final and I realized that was it. No responsibilities for three weeks. Three weeks of carefree fun until another three months of reading and studying!

DISCOVERED just kept walking and I discovered that even the old can look new if you're in a pleasant mood and looking around. I discovered that one bridge on the way to the wetlands actually leads to the island in the middle. A nice hideaway I will have to discover at once I have time.

Entry TWENTY-TWO

I finally got to sleep around 3am only to wake up at 8am, something I did not want, but my body wanted. It yearn for sleep and yet I yearned to study some more. Waking up in a panic, I freaked out thinking I wouldn't be able to study now. I'm just scared I won't be able to get even thirteen points on my exam; I just want to pass. That's all.

I caught the clock at 11:11, but no email so far. What's going on? So I want to cry, but that's also from frustration with this subject and how tired I am with organizational behavior. It's all bullshit and I can't bullshit. But Gaz, I know he's not mad at me or ignoring me, so that's why I want to know what's up. He said he would let me know today, but he hasn't. And so I know it will still be fine, because I'm coming Monday!

Try, try, try, that's what you've got to do. It's the best you can do, but I just don't want to waste my parents' money and I don't want them to be upset with me. I'm really trying to, but I know I can do more, and that upsets me.

UNI CLASSWORK and RESIDENTS "Prices for international flights to Europe vary depending on when you book and with which airline you book. It's a good idea to check every few weeks to find good deals. For convenience, I suggest you fly into London and out of Frankfort, the closest international airport to Strasbourg where our tour finishes. You might consider arriving in London a few days earlier, and do some sightseeing. London is a great place for New Year's Eve."

I arrived early as planned and thankfully Joey found me, to which he sat with me and we chatted. He scared me by saying that good exam essays should be 400 words (according to the internet), but then Nash joined us and said he would be writing three pages total (for four questions, 45 points total). It was easy to talk to Nash, but as always we abruptly ended and he wandered off, while I didn't care. We can only talk about class and once that's over, it's awkward silence and pushing our luck. Whereas with joey it's more of a language barrier and him only half understanding, so it's tougher for me. He wants to ask questions, but it seems difficult because, again, the language deal. Excited Joey found me and I wasn't sitting there alone, because don't we all want to belong?

"Hello, gorgeous!" Victoria smiled at me. I love older, kinder Aussie women. Speaking with her is incredibly easy, not forced, and always worth lots of smiles. We laughed and joked, I felt bad for isolating Joey, and we just let it flow. She was blunt and funny with Canberra. "I'll go to Thailand and you can go to Canberra." "Uh, no!" she replied real quick. She asked who was there with a smirk, which set off a fit of giggles and blushing. I've noticed that the older people know right away that I still have feelings, although I know longer think like that. "Come on, giggler," Victoria said as we entered.

Now my second time doing the exam situation in a large, poorly lit hall, that makes me feel weird because there's too many people and too big of a space. I lucked out not having a partner at my table (because they tend to distract you! or shake the table), nor people in the table behind me. It was nice how things work out as such.

Stephen stopped by and invited me to dinner at his place (aw) and said Arthur is coming as well- at least now we can not be as awkward around each other. So I thought that was nice coming from an "American hater". My first invite beyond Zala inviting me to her party (which I misunderstood).

I believe the exam went well, well enough to pass at least, so I was at peace following Gillian's lead and leaving early.

45 centimeters!

After my second exam I just go the urge to calm down and relax with a bit of knitting. I ended up knitting 23cm in one go while watching the Family Stone.

Entry SIXTEEN

IM/Text/Email As I was trying to fall asleep last night I realized that I only receive SMSs from boys for once. First Hugh, then Gaz, Joey, Andrew, Steve.... That makes me feel good since I've always been more attracted to male friendships, but found it difficult to get past the awkward "we're just friends" barrier.

UNI RESIDENTS Just as I figured, Paco fucked me over, but I only stayed nine minutes, so I really don't care. In fact, I'm glad he won't get my notes and my time wasn't wasted. But Steve, the Chinese guy? He doesn't even know my real name, he's using me for my notes because he never went to class, and now I'm kind of upset at myself for giving him my course book. Then Shravang, who used to be nice and talkative, is doing it again because...yep, my notes. Boys are using me for my note skills. I'm not desperate enough for friends to be like, "Yes, take them!" because I'm being used and I see it. However, at least Shravang was decent enough to be nice about it and we've talked throughout the semester.

IM/Text/Email I was just not expecting it and it was the best surprise after a frustrating meeting with three iffy guys to sit down in an empty classroom and see his name pop up at me!

• "How do I remember these things? I think I might have said at one stage that I always remember the pointless stuff, but never the actual important stuff."
• "Funny, I'm glad and sad that I'm finally away from uni when you tell me how things are going there...?"
• "Today’s list- return video (try to find the one the guy’s borrowed), Gym, Red Cross thing (on my own now…let’s see what a crazy mess I can cause)
• "See you in a few days"

GESTURES Anger, anger, anger. I can't believe I was used today and I thought Paco using me was bad, but then it turned to this Steve guy, and now Shravang. These boys better acknowledge me from now on, or I'll be pretty upset. I'll purposely ignore them and so forth, because what can you really do? Not much. Just hope good karma comes back to me.

UNI CLASSWORK Joey arrived early and I was sitting in the back with my laptop, feeling all cool for the first time by finally being brave enough to have it out. We talked until class started, Paco didn't show like I figured, and thankfully Steve did so I could have my coursebook back. All I wanted was my coursebook back, to thank Shravan, and to get maybe a few questions answered. Shravan asked, "Question, Jen?" and that made me smile since he wanted to help. Managed to avoid Shravang by leaving a bit early, something I haven't done here yet, so that also made me feel good, less stressed.

CULTURE It was so funny that I had to stop myself. We were talking about how the blinds stick (the one that closes the blinds) broke and I wanted to say, "Cheap made in China shit," by had to stop since Joey's Chinese. He he he.

GESTURES Dinner. Big flirt. Big, big flirt. James gave me that cheeky, flirty smile of his till I smiled and then said, "There's that smile!" Makes me feel good; I love male attention.

3 Hours and 30 minutes of work
30 cm; 11.8 in

Entry FIFTEEN

AMERICAN HOME Last night I noticed that Jess had posted on a bunch of people's facebook walls, but not mine, which worried me that we were slipping away and that my only stable American relationship would be gone. But just as I was thinking that, literally, I received one from her, which lifted all that worry away. I will still have an American place when I return, thank god, and with my most fun and popular friend as well.

UNI RESIDENTS No Harry Potter book, but a relieving outing in the hot sun to stretch my sleepy legs, and a morning run in to James, who looked a little surprised to see me with my hair down I think.

An unsent portion of an email to Gaz:
"I'm more relaxed now that my two group projects are over and no more, whatsoever. The presentation wasn't as bad as I thought, seeing as I'm so nervous when it comes to those things, because I know everyone minus two people in that subject. It's not hard when you're with the same people in all of your subjects, literally, and the school of business is small as is."

KNITTING Twenty centimeters so far, with another twenty or so minutes added onto my previous total. My hands ache, but my blanket looks great and so warm so far.

DISCOVERED No why John would invest in firm x and sell product y, I would rather create a room with artsy Polaroids and wall decals, something to inspire me. I would rather knit my blanket with aching hands, hoping that I can either give it to Gareth or someone else I love, while I loop and pull and stretch at the pretty blue yarn. My throat clogs up and jokes and spurts whenever I speak for a long period of time after three months of not talking or being overly social. Starting over is not fun as they make it seem in movies and books, and now I know how much it hurts when someone says they don't know anyone in their new home. Sneezes, and I hope that means Bear read my email with a smile.

UNI CLASSWORK Tired eyes want to keep closing and my brain aches as I try to choke down fiber. Don't want to fail and I want to prove to myself that I can excel in the Aussie schooling system.

Revision for Global Business was a little disappointing since Alex and May were nice, but Paco was dictating after a bit and I felt left out. Then I wanted to reach out to the Canadian, but I know she doesn't hold stuff like that, so we'll be fine. Why didn't I turn around when I heard her hang up on the mobile?

CULTURE Dindin. Dinnerdinner. People are incredibly rude and don't take others into consideration, but I'm just rude back and it never really hurt me. I just can't believe it! After a bunch of people cut in line for desert I decided to come back later to be met by Jesse (the stoned Brasserie worker) who asked, "to go?" exactly as I said, "take-away." The Aussie saying the American word and the American saying the Aussie word. How funny.


DAYS TILL CANBERRA: ten! (ahhhh!)

Entry THIRTEEN

Lucky thirteen I hope.

Woke up around 8:22, the famous one, kind of wanting to touch myself after a sexy daydream and when I tried to orgasm, my insides were raw, so I had to leave it be. What a shame.

Strange thing is, she was not on when I signed on, and a few short moments later I check back and she is. I'm ignoring of course, as if I care enough to do anything about. My only concern is why?

Lately I've taken a liking to drawing my arm to my chest in thoughtful thinking or resting just so I can push against my breast. I don't know why, I guess because I was never the kid to really look at her body and to touch.

UNI RESIDENTS Lunch at 10:45 was awkward, so I don't think I'll be staying to wait for my food again. Standing alone, but alone while others were standing alone as if we were trying to find comfort in each others' company while we waited and waited for the pasta to be cooked. I made the mistake, or maybe not, of putting my chocolate mousse on an empty table to look up as a guy was sitting down at the table, to which I had to politely turn around and find an excuse to move away. I was unsure of it I made a mistake, if he had already taken it, or if he was flirting. Either way, it was akward; I never know how to take advances.

Then the girl. I was standing by another table, which was sandwiched between me and a couch, while also held my mousse and water. The girl decided to sit at the couch and it was uncomfortable with me already facing the couch, waiting, and her sitting there. I was there first, so I stood my ground knowing she couldn't have been trying to be rude, but just joining in. Just used to the rude foreigners around here unfortunately; all these cultures mean people have different understandings and meanings of rudeness.

KNITTING Walking back I had a great idea, because I've realized that ideas come when I'm walking outside and not really thinking about anything in particular. Why not use the blue in a long strip, like a really thick scarf, and then when I run out of it, start on brown? That way I have long strips to "knit/sew" together to form a large blanket! So proud of my either creativity or knitting stupidity, but ran into the Norwegian while I was proud of myself with the usual smile and hello exchange we do.

IM/Text/Email Couldn't believe it. Walked in just at 11:11 and found a blue envelope with a "1" staring back at me, hoping it was him, and kind of knowing it was. I was right and this relief just ran over me and I smiled and ran to the library to print it out. It was a lucky thirteen!

My email to him was good, but I didn't put much heart into it after reading his blah one; I much prefer when he writes from his sister's house when he has time. Or maybe he's losing interest, don't know, and I doubt that.

"Hmm, I'll have to think of stuff to have fun with in Canberra- I guess Questacon's a must- have to think of food to (of course), there's a little korean place I've decided to make my occasional lunch place, so cheap and good at the same time (they've got a salmon dish too, but I guess the aim is to get grilled salmon, european style...I might go for a wander to find some, shouldn't be too hard).

He's bringing up Canberra on his own, without me saying anything remotely about it, and it came after "Okay, my jaw just hit the floor. I can't really ask for more (dead prez maybe- that's kind of out of left field isn't it)." I love how he keeps surprising me, considering Dead Prez is rap and he's not one to like anything remote to rap.

UNI CLASSWORK Half an hour early thinking I would have the theater to myself, but instead I was greeted by a mumble from the German. He asked me a pointless question he knew the answer to ten minutes later, why I don't know, and then asked me to watch his notebook (as in "laptop") ten minutes after that. One thing I've learned is how trusting people are with mere students in their subjects to watch their important belongings. Everyone does it. There's the mutual trust.

Joey and I were doing our usual questions back and forth until a Chinese girl walked in and I knew somehow that they knew each other. I find it awkward to talk a few rows in front of me when my voice carries and others can hear anyway. May walked in with her usual serious face and then smile after she said hello, followed by Adriana (that's the other woman who thought I was an Aussie, I found out), and then a loud chatter of just Chinese as the Aussies and Europeans were mostly gone. How do they survive here? Their culture is nothing like the Aussie one and they can't understand half of what happens...

It hurts to think I may never live here again, but only because of Gareth. I'll miss him like nothing else, my only true friend, although he'll still have Sam and that will only piss me off.

IM/Text/Email Joey sent me some texts, which is great considering Gareth supposedly doesn't have money to buy credit. Meh. I hope he's not lying to me, but then why would he- he's the one who texted first.

CULTURE How cute, Australia's getting it's first smartboards. I had those early high school days. God, it's like I'm in a baby country that is so behind and I'm the experienced, smart one who is frustrated with how ignorant they are.




Around 40 minutes of knitting


Around two hours total of knitting


I can't put it down, it lets me think, and I get lost in it.