UNI RESIDENTS Arthur met me at 8am to do the homework...only he already did it all with Stephen without calling me to let me know. I kept my cool even though I was frustrated with how he just wanted to socialize and not even try to help me. I kept my cool when he didn't even put forth any effort. I really do think he has a learning and social disorder. His mind works so slow. So I understand, even though I was upset.
YING & TRAVEL Ying was actually a few minutes early, since she must finally realize that I take people being late very difficult. After telling her how I'm always on time and I don't like when people are late, she finally got it. I wasn't overly friendly since the last time I saw her she wasn't either, but I was nice enough. Just a bit cold. She's only nice when she wants to be, so why should I always be nice and friendly? And instead of asking me directly if I could bring my camera, she asked around the bush. Instead of just brushing it off as I always do, I told her that I don't get it because westerners are blunt. Yes, I'm tired of her always doing her way and not adjusting.
But eventually things cooled down as we got to Surfers and it was her "first" time even though she's been there with me before. She keeps forgetting that, yes, Melbas was in Surfers. And I was even overly nice, compromising, and taking the initiative in what we should do. I didn't want a donut, but I took the clue and asked her if she wanted lunch.
CULTURE Again, the happiness soon died. Her friends called and instead of staying with me, she wanted us to go with them. I said yes even though I didn't want to, knowing she wanted to. I was afraid at first they were "traditional" but in fact they were pretty western from living here so long and that made me at ease. He even had a sense of humor, just like Chinese-Nick from Bathurst. Always knowing what to say and making it all a joke. They were so nice in the car, but then Ying and the other Chinese girl started talking Cantonese in front of me, even though I was standing with Ying first, and I sulked off. Ying didn't get it.
But eventually I talked more with the guy and Ying came around and paid more attention to me, so it was okay.
After they dropped me off (how high school it felt, being in a car with more than one person and laughing and driving), Ying emailed. She wanted to meet for a walk. And during that walk I told her how left out I felt. She didn't get it ("She wanted to talk Cantonese because she's always speaking English"), but she did apologize. I'm usually not so forward, but I'm tired of it. And at the end of the walk, she invited me to dinner for tomorrow.
ADVICE (Stephen Colbert, Commencement address): "This seems like a very nice place. They have a lovely Web site. Besides, have you seen the world outside lately? They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks. My God, I couldn't wait to get here today just so I could take a breather from the real world. I don't know if they told you what's happened while you've matriculated here for the past four years. The world is waiting for you people with a club. Unprecedented changes happening in the last four years. Like globalization. We now live in a hyperconnected, global economic, outsourced society. Now there are positives and minuses here. And a positive is that globalization helps us understand and learn from otherwise foreign cultures. For example, I now know how to ask for a Happy Meal in five different languages. In Paris, I'd like a "Repas Heureux" In Madrid a "Comida Feliz" In Calcutta, a "Kushkana, hold the beef." In Tokyo, a "Happi- Shokuji " And in Berlin, I can order what is perhaps the least happy-sounding Happy Meal, a "Glückselig Mahlzeit."
Also globalization, e-mail, cell phones interconnect our nations like never before. It is possible for even the most insulated American to have friends from all over the world. For instance, I recently received an e-mail asking me to help a deposed Nigerian prince who is looking for a business partner to recuperate his fortune. Thanks to the flexibility of global banking, a Swiss bank account is ready and waiting for my share of his money. I know, because I just e-mailed him my Social Security number.
Unfortunately for you job seekers, corporations searching for a better bottom line have moved many of their operations overseas, whether it's a customer service operator, a power factory foreman, or an American flag manufacturer. They're just as likely to be found in Shanghai as Omaha. In fact, outsourcing is so easy that I had this speech today written by a young man named Panjeeb from Bangalore.
If you don't like the jokes, I assure you they were much funnier in Urdu...
And when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-porous borders. Now I know you're all going to say, "Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America." Yes, but here's the thing—it's built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it's a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spanish, the next thing you know, they'll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.
So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That's the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we'll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we're at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we'll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It's time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls. Yes, yes, I agree with me."
