Friday 17 August 2007

Entry TWENTY-FOUR

Lately I've been coming to terms with my breasts. Being naked more often, looking, and embracing.

I fucked myself over with Global Business, so I guess I will be paying to re-take it. It just sucks having to give those presentations again, but at least I will be prepared.

"You are fucking kicking ass! Go Jen! Now don't panic!" When I study I talk to myself. I'm dramatic. I use my hands. I get angry at myself if I miss something easy. But I'm proud of what I've accomplished, considering how I started out, and I hope that I do well since I genuinely tried! My driving need right now is sleep; I'm looking forward to getting this over, hopefully not feeling to guilty, and just sleeping and sleeping.

ADVICE Pass or fail, I've learned to keep up with all subjects and that I should study even the "hard" one early on, as I go along.

Try to portray yourself as a more positive person.

UNICLASSWORK and UNI RESIDENTS early, as always because otherwise I get nervous, and I chose a spot on the overhang that was sort of hidden and yet I could be seen. I was doodling swirls when I heard, "studying hard?" from Mike. He did the nervous laughing shaking thing he does when it seems like he is flirting with a girl, me. And it was so easy talking to him and I love it, because I still have my innocent crush on him, and I want to befriend him, and I love his South African accent. It's so rough and different, and yet so pleasing.

Ashnita joined us, mind you that generally these two don't always come to me, and I felt special. She sat close and we were all talking and then she did something that made me feel better. She was talking about waxing her mustache, so that made me feel better since she's one of the few that looks at where my lip is. She was so comfortable talking about it, so I should be, too!

Helped each other study and we got to chatting about how James feels I should be more social. "Come, you'll know us," Ashnita said when I told her how awkward it would be to go to End of the Semester Bash (although I ended up not going- you can't show up alone and without a decent outfit to wear).

"Canberra?!" they both joked. "Who's there?" asked Ashnita. Girls are so tuned in. "Ohhh, a boyfriend!" Mike joked. It's the kind of joking a male friend would do, one that knows you and is comfortable, so it felt really good.

We wished each other good luck as we went to take our final exam. I was situated as the last one in the Global Business row, but I had a nervous wreck of a woman next to me who kept glancing over and shaking the table. I was iffy on the actual exam and afraid to be the first to leave, but I did after Ashnita walked by and we smiled at each other.

Then, it was over! I felt relieved, as if all the weight was gone, and I couldn't stop smiling. I had no idea how grumpy or exhausted or stressed I was until I walked out of that hall.

Checked with accommodation about my room being still alloted to me, so easy, and then ran into Stephen who told me to meet him tomorrow at 6pm. While we were chatting, Gillian, the Canadian, looked at me and smiled as she ran. "I really need to pee!" she laughed.

The moment I hit my bed back in my room, I didn't wake for two hours. Something woke me up and I walked over to my laptop, which was still brightly running, and saw Gaz's email with a smile on my face. I knew it would come, but there was always that risk. I also knew it would be short considering there wasn't much to say, but he did the one thing I wanted. Gaz told me he would pick me up, since he never specifically said he would (just that I could stay at his place). That was one of the reasons I got upset, and here I was stupid about that, as always.

Two more hours of sleep and I woke with the urge to walk, but then I got a few minutes in to where the sun made me sweat right away. That was it, so back to my dorm I went.

Over two months since it's been since I've seen her, the one I met my first day, and I couldn't even remember what she looked like, and yet she remembered me. I smiled regardless, knowing there was a chance, and I was right. She came up to me and asked when I was leaving, etc, while we smiled and easily talked away. It always feels good.

The politics! Two women cut in line, but I ignored it, and I got out faster in my line regardless. I kept my calm and didn't get in a bad mood, so it felt so good. Why bother upsetting yourself??

Then I ran into my roomie again, and here was twice after two months, what are the chances? But I was glad as we chatted again, easily, while she walked over to dinner. I found out I will have the dorm to myself starting Sunday, so I was happy to hear that. I will use the fridge and TV, check out those magazines, and walk around easily. I'm only somewhat comfortable with them still.




Half asleep, knowing there was a good chance it would come, and it was there. I woke up after two hours, stumbled over to my alive laptop and noticed his name. Although it didn't really register, I stumbled back to bed and slept easily another two hours. Before I opened it I knew it would be short, after all there was noting much to say except about me coming. Overall I was happy considering I didn't really imply for him to come pick me up:

"And cool, I'll try to make sure I'm at the bus place right on time (maybe I should visit the pub for dinner, and walk from there).

I'll tell you how my day went when you get here."



CULTURE It's so odd hearing "aluminum" the American way...