Friday 29 February 2008

Entry TWO-HUNDRED

Well, Gareth must be gone. I was so nervous when I woke up at 1pm thinking that I was going to throw up. So nervous I didn't want to check my email in case he didn't reply, but I thought I'd take it slow. I woke bring it up to see if I had anything but not look who it was from. So 1 email, that's good right, because who emails me besides him? And yet, there it was, one from JESS! Augh, so I freaked out, cried, and can barely eat. I sent him another asking if he's okay, but who knows. He must be gone. Really, though, his last email didn't seem it. The only iffy part was the end where he seemed to give up if I wanted to. Otherwise it sounded like he wanted to continue on. We have plans and he said he could ask his dad for money to come up here. So what the fuck?


Apparently I need to either lay off him or let him go. At this point I'm so mad that I want to let him go. Yes, I figured out his password from what he mentioned a long time ago and I managed to get it [in case I forget: beatrix]. Wait to see what I found!:

-[to sam] miss you, love you as much as ever

-Jen ( the American friend came down, and just about burnt my brain out yet again (no surprises)

-Nothing much really going on. Had a friend down from the Gold Coast for a couple of weeks (exhausting, she's at least ten times as neurotic as me),

-I guess I'll be looking for some part time/casual work at the same time I've got my RSA, so I guess I can always look into a few bars or pubs to see what's available there. I promised Jen I'd head to Thailand in...Semptember I think it is, so I have to start saving my pennies (which I've never been able to do up until now, so it's not looking great just yet). I guess I could have said no, but emotional blackmail was involved, apparently I don't find the time to go anywhere, where as every one else does...but I kind of think it's less to do with taking the time and more to do with the lack of saving which has been deciding all of that (I'd go everywhere if I could).

But anyway, that's probably why I seemed a bit distant at christmas, Jen was staying over, and if I'm shy, then she is something else (and easily offended too, I don't know whether that's an American trait? So I was a bit concerned about what emotional beating I was going to be taking if I was gone to long...which is a bit weird because we're just friends, a fact which has been worked out well and truely by now). That and of course the tension Bron has a habit of causing, it was much easier this time around, but still a bit of snapping at each other.

-[sent to what? about me? Oh! he talked to her on the phone...]
'I don't like her...? All it is is petty fights and bitching about nothing (I have to admmit this involves the two halves), maybe it's the drink talking (evidently I'd had a drink at the time), just frustration I guess that we both want someone, but we honestly know that it's definitely neither of us (atleast I hope she does...hmm, but then I've explained it enough...I think?). I'm not sure I even like her at all, but I can't tell her anything like that...the biscuits worked by the way...I think I'm more than just a bit of a wanker'...it feels weird reading it afterwards.

-It'll always be a fight just to stay friends with Jen, that's just the way it is (the positive I can take out of it is we're not around each other much). Things will never 'turn out' anymore than they ever have before. Apparently I snore most nights...my greatest fears aleays come true!