Entry THIRTY-EIGHT

BEST FRIEND Reading The Lovely Bones page 200, made me think of the night I needed Gareth the most. Roaming a still existing Tops, that's how long ago this was, and wanting to call him. Call him and ask him if he can make me laugh because I was sad. Sad about him, but I wouldn't tell him that. Never did, and I don't know if I would today. The difference being, he doesn't make me sad like that any more. He actually emails me all the time and so I don't feel lonely. But if I really needed to call, I know I could.

This year he'll remember my birthday. And Jess should as well considering there is facebook. And that makes me so happy. I don't want to be forgotten. Almost every year since junior high at least someone has made me feel special with an email, call, gift, or meeting. I don't want that to stop. Last year I barely had Gareth, and I hope that this year is better.

First thing I noticed when I walked in the room was how he hung photos of me on the wall. Did he do that during the Hargraves days? I'm trying to keep little mental notes and the new things I've learned, daisies and poppies and rock-climbing, and the old things I've forgotten, mulberries. Best of all, when I passed some small, wild daisies and decided just as I passed them to go back and pick one for him. When I handed it to him he smiled so wide, thanked me, and told me he was going to press it. I hope he realizes that was me saying, "I love you."

I love his family, I love him, and I don't want to start over again. It was hard enough the first time. But then I realize that I'm starting over again from Liz with Jess and Elaine. Not so hard after all? Maybe the fact I was always terrible at playing house and never liked it when I tried, is why I don't want domestic life. That, and the one I love may not be the one I love that way. He might not have ever loved me that way, either.



The boy next door strums because sounds from his acoustic. I happened to look up at almost the last passing point to see him sitting alone on the porch next door. Wishing I could be brave enough to say, "I love when you play," I continued on and opened my windows to hear instead.

Just not pretty. I feel they all look at me as I pass, so I put on a sour face. Although I got a late start, I went to the library around noon thinking only residents without computers would be in there, and I was right. Quiet to the point I was brave enough to go to the main room to search for a computer. Shortly after I finished copying the powerpoint to the desktop, two Japanese girls arrived to join me. I left after she looked at me, I don't feel comfortable with that.

As written to Gareth: "It's so sticky hot here already that I'm eating lots of oranges, pears, and apples and trying to stay out of the sun. Although, not so good I guess since I noticed a very apparent tan the other day I didn't know I had. Kind of looked down in the shower and went, 'oh, a tan, uh, how?'"

UNI RESIDENTS Tea stains all over my desk, at least three cups a day. These Aussies have a way of influencing me. I heard "Jennifer!" three times before realizing it was Elaine. She's a good kind of crazy and I felt so good stepping out barefoot to greet her. I asked if she wanted to go see the Boardwalk and I converted her. She asked if we can walk everyday after dinner- I was elated!

And so things are looking up. Not what I expected, but close enough. I thought I would have some Japanese friends, maybe a Japanese boyfriend, and dormies that loved me. Instead I have a close Chinese friend, a Chinese guy that had a crush on me, and two really nice Malaysian dormies. And I have Ashnita in my one class and Elaine in another. Not bad at all.

That night I got the urge to return my library book. She was on the porch smoking, I jumped so high that I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop and she was as well. We laughed. We acted like friends. It was like we liked each other and then I felt good towards her. Returning she was on the porch with four friends and she introduced me as, "This is my roommate, Jen." That surprised me. She introduced me and remembered my name.

DISCOVERED be nice no matter what.

IM/Text/Email Kenny's emailing me a lot, like I would do with Gareth, and it's scaring me. Why is he suddenly closer to me? What is going on? Wish I knew what went through boy's minds. And Gaz himself. Is he getting closer or further away? Adore how he finally emailed me the day after and he's getting busier, so now it's every other day. Can't complain. It's just enough.