around campus to get fresh air after getting the urge to have diarrhea again, to smile and smirk and laugh at "twinkle, twinkle, little star" being played over the bell tower. uni decided to change the class numbers on the doors and so i can't find some of mine, meaning that come monday i will be rushing around (or at least later tonight when i look after or before dinner).
UNI RESIDENTS the malaysians walked by, three of them, and i wish i could just talk to them. but i can individually, just not as a group. i'm not hargraves anymore. and the american? difficult to bump into her now that the others are around and i'm afraid to open my door. i'll get there, i'll make myself take baby steps until we're decent enough friends or at least acquaintances.
WELLBEING emailed jess back and wrote "love" back as well. feels so good to know that if i do go home, she'll be there still. a friend. someone to find me someone. someone to drink with. someone to talk to.
UNI CLASSWORK pre-uni starting blues. i want to get it over with, but it's difficult with an upset stomach and hunger pains and not knowing who is in my communication class. at least i have joey and ashnita, both of whom i'm hoping has me back.
BEST FRIEND life would be so lonely without him. one day i hope he does come live in the u.s. or that i am able to come back and stay.
two twinkles and a hiccup and 11:11 wish, i hope to hear from him on monday! temptation is there to check since he gave permission, but i can't because i don't know what i would find. merryisadog, how cute! that little hiccup calmed my nerves.
DISCOVERED The freedom and anonymity I have here is empowering. I'm no longer stuck in the old routine, however, I am falling back into too much comfort here. It takes a lot to rebuild here why still reconnecting back there. The more I see Americans here, the less I feel at home.
stop worrying, so easy to say. but baby steps, that's all. don't waste time and what you can't change, and just learn from it. live now, not the future or past. "it is what it is."
do i regret the fights in canberra? yes and no. yes because it caused us both pain and no because i got more from it, learning what really happened, and having him care more for me.
UNI RESIDENTS five o'clock. my dreams of a unified dorm is both real and unreal because it's now true malaysians versus new americans. i'm not sure how i feel about the american anymore, whose name i found out is jillian. so it's audrey (chubby), ivette? (skinny), and jillian (american), thanks to jenny introducing everyone. after the aussies left, jillian had her door open and i went to ask her where she's from, thinking she said boston and i was right. it's an ugly accent, i've never noticed before. she didn't ask me where i'm from, so i offered. then she asked how long i have, i asked what her major is, and then offered mine. she was getting ready when i came and continued, and so i just let it be. at least i tried after she had tried and i can keep at it, hoping it works out. if not, so be it. now she has this prissy air about her, so we'll see (she was treating the aussies and malaysians the same way).
dinner. i feel so out of place although i am not because all these new students (everywhere!) have someone it seems. i don't since my "friends" are off campus and my dormies have left me so far. the room was filled, so weird for a sunday, and so i brushed it off twice. people watching others since they're new and i felt so awkward.
such a baby i decided not to go and shove down an icky ham and cheese sandwich followed by an entire bag of lettuce. i'm nervous about tomorrow so i'm in sad mode, worrying about gareth not emailing and then being left out in class tomorrow. i miss having those couple of people whom are always there for me! damn you, bond. maybe i should leave? but then again this is life. i miss bear so much. i hope i didn't fuck anything up, but then again why would he email first (something he at first said many times he'd never do) the next day? he cares, i didn't fuck anything up. this is nothing new. i just miss him, that's what this feeling is.
