Sunday 28 October 2007

Entry SEVENTY-SEVEN

BUDDHISM is luck apart of Buddhism? I saw two lady bugs, and one landed one me. Scores of butterflies flew around me. It was beautiful. I was smiling looking around and I probably looked really strange doing so, but it was too pretty not to do so.

BEST FRIEND Trying to study I just couldn't. I started crying thinking about how Gareth doesn't support me. He hasn't visited me yet or at least said he couldn't, only that initial and after remark. But when I asked last week if he meant the Gold Coast? No response. So whatever, I need to ween myself off of him. If his (possible) email on Monday is not to my liking, that's it. I'll send his beanie, but that's it. No more depending on him to only have him rip my heart out by never visiting me before I leave. That just shows he won't come to America. So fuck it. That's why the push for New Zealand. To make myself do something without depending on him.

LIFE HERE is pretty now with butterflies swirling around me and a bee coming right to my fast like in the movies and just drifting and buzzing in mid-air as if looking at me before buzzing away. It's so enchanting.




WELLBEING Right now I think I shouldn't be in your life with all the feelings of sadness I just can't get rid of. It's been almost a year since I came here and went through that hell, and I still just can't get over all the hurt I've experienced over the last two years. So I wanted you to know now. I guess I always felt like nothing to you, despite you claiming otherwise, and I see no point in going through all this several times a year with us arguing over this. And I don't think you intend on visiting me while I'm here, which means I won't be seeing you once I'm at home, so it's probably best anyway just to do it now so I don't go through the whole Bathurst episode again.
Thanks for all the happy times,
Jen


I don't know how we got on the subject considering I didn't want to talk about it, but we were talking about how it feels like Gaz uses me. But does he really anymore? He's finally giving me more attention. It's just meeting Sam...but she came to him, and the fact that he hasn't said recently how he's coming up here. So solution? I'm giving him until the time I leave to come see me. If not, fuck him.

TRAVEL Elaine's going to try to come to New Zealand with me! She loves the idea of how it's a powerful trip, my first without him.